Disclaimer: They never have nor will they ever belong to me. they belong to Joss Whedon, FOx and a bunch of other people so dont sue. The song "Never an Easy Way" belongs to Morcheeba.
Spoilers: Everything I suppose.
Feedback: This is the first thing I've ever written. Should I continue writting? If you think its good, bad, whatever Please let me know.
Notes: Please keep in mind that this is purly fictional and that I, in no way believe suicide is the answer. You always have other options. With that said on with the story. :)

\\ I think I slit the net
but I cut myself free
I'm not losing it
so dont forget me//

The phone sits in my lap. To say that it had surprised me to hear from Cordelia would be an understatement.

At first we talked about trivial things. Then she got to the point of her call . . . Angel. Or more correctly the way that I treated him on his second trip to Sunnydale since Graduation. She told me that just because I had a new "boy toy" didn't mean that I had to treat him like a piece of gum stuck to the heel of my boot. I thought about trying to say something in my defense ,but it was Cordelia, it would be fruitless. She told me that since he had returned he had actually LOOKED dead.

She screamed and yelled for what seemed like an eternity. She screamed out everything I didn't want to hear. She accused me of never really loving him, of forgetting everything he ever taught me, everything that we ever had, the second he stepped out of town. I told myself she was wrong. I told her the same thing.

I'll say it, replay it
and try tomorrow
I'll say it replay it
and live with sorrow.//

The truth? To me forgetting was so much easier than remembering. Hurt less.

You think I'd learn by now
there's never an easy way
I'll get through somehow
I'm on my knees to pray.//

Then she told me what had really happened at Thanksgiving. I told her to shut up, to stop lying. but this was Cordelia, she didn't lie. The memories washed over me.

You think I'd learn by now
there's never an easy way
I'll get through somehow
I'm on my knees . . . //

I dropped the phone. I haven't moved much since. Cordelia's still on the line. The pain coursing through me enables the command to hang up to get to my brain.

<* I hurt him. He gave up his humanity for me and I, I, I told him to stay away from me, that I never wanted to see him again. *>

I'll admit I'm wrong
but I'm getting on track
I've been here too long
I'm under attack//

I lied to Cordelia, everyone. I'm not happy with Riley, I try but Angel spoiled me. And I lied to him. I forgot.

The easy way out, pretend it never happened. Be what everyone wants me to be and not who I am. I can't remember when I became like this: a shell. I want to say it happened when he said he was leaving me. But I know that it started over two years ago. The silence began the day after my 17th birthday.

I'll face it replace it
and try to change
I'll face it replace it
and rearrange.//

That's what began the strain on my relationship with my Watcher, Friends. . .and Angel. That and the many events following. All I do is hurt them.

I can hear Cordelia on the line yelling to someone. Angel.

You think I'd learn by now
there's never an easy way
I'll get through some how
I'm on my knees to pray.//

I can't do this anymore. I cant keep pretending for everyone. I know they mean well , that they want me to be happy.

You think I'd learn by now
there's never an easy way
I'll get through somehow
I'm on my knees . . . to pray//

I reach into my dresser. Everything seems to be going slower. My skin feels strange.

I grab the gun I took from home. Lay it on the bed. I can hear Angel now, screaming to me, telling me how much he loves me. I entertain the idea of just picking up the phone and telling him I'm sorry. But I always was a coward.

I look around the room and think of every one. Giles the night we defeated the Judge telling me that I would only get his respect. Xander doing the snoopy dance. Willow and our late night girl talks. All of us in the library surrounded by old books. Cordelia , Oz , Anya, Riley. And Angel. The night we had met. The day he was human . . .

<* I have to make it stop.* >

On my knees . . .
to pray//

I put the tip of the gun in my mouth , close my eyes and pull the trigger.

\\ I think I slit the net
but I cut my self free
I'm not losing it
so don't forget me.

I'll say it, replay it
and try tomorrow
I'll say it, replay it and live with sorrow.

You think I'd learn by now
there's never an easy way
I 'll get trough somehow
I'm . . . on . . . knees . . . to pray//

Miles away an angel fell

On my knees to pray//

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