Summary: Buffy's POV post season 4
Disclaimer: I'm Joss Whedon. Yep, that's right. I'm also Elvis, George Lucas, the bunnies Easter and Energizer, and a broke college student. I'm also paranoid. This was a joke. Joss, Mutant Enemy, and the WB own all. I own nothing.
Rating: PG-13

Make no mistake. I haven't forgotten. I know I often act like he never happened, but even in the happiest of times with Riley a shadow hangs over my heart. A shadow that he alone owns. A shadow that I secretly live in. It's the same part of my heart that carries the memories of our wedding. The wedding he thought he dreamt alone.

A wedding that did not result in a marriage. I'm not cheating on him with Riley. Not in my heart, in my mind, or with my body. My soul is his, nothing more, but then again there is nothing

more. I am, however, cheating on Riley with him. Every time I fall asleep in Riley's arms and dream of another I cheat. Every time he says he loves me, and I evade the implied question, I cheat. Every time I pretend like the sex is the best I've ever had, I cheat. He should thank me for cheating, because the truth would hurt more than anything else.

I ask myself occasionally why I am with Riley. I know my friends like seeing me with him. Willow practically threw a ticker-tape parade welcoming him into my life. And Fish Boy comments are significantly less popular than it's Dead Boy predecessor. Giles has stopped that worried-slash-hurt look every time I walk into the room. The one where he sees dual flashes of his Slayer killed by her lover, and his own lover's dead body left on his bed. Mom is thrilled. Strangely, her approval of Riley didn't hurt as much as her adoption of Spike. He gets hot chocolate with marshmallows, but my soulmate is met with instant and enduring mistrust. Way to go, Mom, first Faith then Spike. Not to mention Ted, Dracula and Darla. I can always count on you to invite the psychopaths over for dinner. But those are the reasons why they like Riley, not the reasons why I'm with him.

Let's see. He's human. Big change there. He's a soldier. Say what you will about Professor Walsh, she did a fairly good job of introducing a group of farm boys into my reality. He can fight well, and I don't worry much about him dying. Maybe that's because I don't care, but I prefer to think otherwise.

The real reason is he isn't Angel. They have nothing in common. Except good taste in women, but I'm just kidding. Or not. Riley is attracted to me because of the way I look, and the way I fight. Angel's feelings for me didn't grow out of attraction and admiration. They were always there, always of the same intensity. He doesn't love me because I'm the Slayer, he doesn't love me because what I wear or how I do my hair. He saw past all that, just as I saw past everything to see him. He saw me, and loved me for it. Me, the me beneath all the disguises and protective walls, the real me. He would have know it was Faith.

It is the intimacy and intensity of those feelings that terrify me.

Riley could never touch me like that. He can't hurt me, he's safe. The price of this safety is the drug that dulls my senses. I am numb. That might just get me killed, or maybe it will let me live long enough to fulfill my destiny. There will be a time for me and Angel. One glorious moment, however brief, when we can be together as we were always meant to be. It'll make all this suffering worth it. In my darkest hour, I cling to that. He crawled out of Hell to come back to me, and I'll survive this to be there for him. After all, I'll always be his girl.

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