CLASSIFICATION: B/A Angsty Fic. (My specialty.)
RATING: PG/PG13
DISCLAIMER: The characters (with the exception of this mysterious stranger/vision guy) belong to the Joss and all of the great writers, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox, etc. The song belongs to Dido, off her "No Angel" CD (which I highly recommend). It's also the Roswell theme song, so I don't know if they own any rights, but I'll throw in some credit here.
SPOILERS: Uh... none? Maybe "I Will Remember You," but I'm thinking you all would have at least *heard* about that episode.
DISTRIBUTION: Felicity, if you want it, you got it. Gen, one point for the fictalk site! Dreamer, I gotta submit some stuff, and if you want it, take it... I will get it to the Slayerette site sometime in the future... Anyone else, just ask. I will be in awe.
FEEDBACK: I crave it. Please? I have to go with Serena and Felicity. I'm a feedback whore. It's an addiction.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Um... got the idea while listening to Dido's CD, and even though it's the last day of school (eee, btw!), and I'm hyper major, I managegd to listen to every angsty song I own and get myself in enough of a depression to write a sad fic. But I'm back to the joy! Yeah yeah! Anyway, if you don't like the ending, I agree with you. I couldn't figure out a good last paragraph. So forgive me if it's kinda... *cough*lame.

Angel lay on his bed. in his bed. curled up in the sheets. He felt broken. Like there were pieces of him scattered all around the room, all around his mind. He didn't know what to do anymore. Didn't know what to be. All he wanted to do was curl up in his sheets, the sheets that they had once shared.

He had dreamed of her last night. Of the time when he was human. It had happened over five years ago, and the dream made it feel like yesterday. Every detail was as it had been. It was as if she had just been here, just slept in his sheets. just left. She had left him, unknowing of everything that had been, all the happiness and pain she had just been put through. She left.

~*~ I didn't hear you leave
I wonder how am I still here
I don't want to move a thing
It might change my memory ~*~

He felt another presence in the room then. It was weird how the room could change from the emptiness of life to sudden sunshine. Hope was abound, and all of his memories were shaken as he lifted his head from the pillow. There were red splotches on his face from where he had dug his face into those pillows. And from crying.

It was a stranger, and yet it wasn't. It was someone he knew, or had known. He resembled Doyle not by appearance, but by presence. He was one of them. A messenger of the Powers That Be. Dressed in nothing more than a polo shirt and khaki slacks with messy brown hair hanging in his face, the stranger approached him. He had something in his hands. It looked like the scroll of prophecies that had been stolen away from him four years ago.

Only, the scroll was unbearably bright. almost as if it held the sunshine. Or the promise of sunshine.

"That's it, man. You're gonna be human," was all the stranger said. His voice was almost exactly like Doyle's, and Angel had to wonder, as he studied the man, if a part of Doyle was in him. Unless this stranger was simply a vision, a collection of his innermost thoughts and regrets. And if his mind was indeed creating this man, was there a part of Buffy in him? A part of that love that had once existed between them? He had not seen her in five years, and a part of him had forgotten what that love tasted like.

~*~ Oh, I am what I am
I'll do what I want
But I can't hide ~*~

"Wh-what?" Angel stammered, getting up from his bed. But he didn't dare take a step closer to the man. He was afraid that the stranger would leave, and from the sound of it, this messenger had something important to say. Angel squinted at the man. "Did you say.?"

The messenger nodded. He lifted the arm holding the scroll and unrolled the paper, revealing its mysteries. Angel could almost hear the whispers the prophecies spoke in. They spoke to him. They were about him. Blinding light filled the room, to the point where even Angel had to cower away from it. Yet the stranger did not squint. He read whatever was written on it, or perhaps was just looking into the light the scroll emitted.

Suddenly, darkness filled the room. Angel stumbled backwards at the momentary shock. Though he was a vampire, and had been for hundreds of year, certain human reflexes still remained, trapped in this demon body.

The stranger looked Angel in the eyes. "As the sun sets two nights from now, you will be made human. A request has been made. You are loved." This time, he didn't sound like Doyle. But it didn't matter. His words were what mattered, and though some were confusing, the idea was made simple. He would be human in two days.

Angel didn't move.

The stranger half-smiled. "So now what do you want?" There was Doyle. The faithfully departed friend was nearby, speaking through the stranger, if Angel had to guess. But before he could say anymore, the messenger walked off, disappearing into nothingness before reaching the stairs. He was gone.

Was the stranger just a vision? Angel did not dwell on this, for something else lingered in his mind. What did he want to do now?

~*~ I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me ~*~

Sunnydale had changed only slightly since he had last visited. The tiny shops remained on Main Street, although the names had changed. For the most part, the houses and lawns in the neighborhoods were of the same style. The only major difference in the tiny, close-knit town was the new high school. He hadn't seen it yet, for the last time he had been here, it had been to make amends with Buffy. And to find out who this new love was.

But he arrived, driving in his convertible, two hours after the last harmful rays of the California sun disappeared over the western skyline. Angel felt a wave of nostalgia and sadness brush over him like a gust of wind as he turned onto Rovello Drive. He wouldn't see her immediately. No, he needed time to think first. Time to plan.

Instead, he pulled into one of the cheap Sunnydale motels where prostitution and drug dealing were common in the next room over. He paid the hotel clerk and found his way to his room. It wasn't really the sleep he was after. There was no way his mind could rest at a time like this. Instead, it was the silence he craved. The seclusion from the rest of the town, the rest of the world.

He drew the heavy, dusty drapery across the window and collapsed onto the bed, which fell several inches before supporting his weight. Angel closed his eyes and surrendered himself to his thoughts.

~*~ I don't want to call my friends
They might wake me from this dream
And I can't leave this bed,
Risk forgetting all that's been ~*~

He was human. Or at least, he would be. Two more days, and he would have his humanity again. He would be able to stare at the sun, to tan. To feel the air rush in and out of his lungs. To listen to his heart thumping in his chest. To see Buffy in the sunlight.

What would he tell her? What would her reaction be? Happy? Regretful? Would she tell him that he was too late? Would she even want him anymore? How would he deal if she didn't? What was humanity worth if he couldn't spend it with her? She was the reason he wanted it restored. He wanted her. He wanted to watch the early morning sunrises with her. To make love to her. Come two days. he would have all these things. But only if she would have him.

~*~ Oh, I am what I am
I'll do what I want
But I can't hide ~*~

The next thing Angel knew, it was daytime. A few streams of sunlight had managed to work themselves in between the drapes. They made patterns on the floor and walls, highlighting all the dust in the room. Sunlight. It used to scare him. And now he treasured it. He would never again hide from the sunlight.

Angel was ready. He needed to talk to her. He needed to see her. He had to be with her. And he couldn't wait another minute.

~*~ I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here ~*~

He traced his way through the tunnels by memory alone. His feet knew the route to her house, as he had walked this way so many times. Yet, as he pried himself out of the sewer, under the protection of a wool blanket, he noticed something in her yard. A 'For Sale' sign. It didn't look like the house had been purchased yet. But.

In a wave of panic, Angel hurried over to the sign. Joyce Summers was selling it. Good. That meant that the Summers still resided in this house. He glanced up at the two-story building. His eyes fell upon the second story, the place where her room was. So many times in that room. Must go.

His mind was racing as he quickened his pace towards her front step. His heart would not wait any longer.

~*~ And I won't go
And I won't sleep
And I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
And I won't leave
And I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me ~*~

The front door was ajar. Angel picked up on the oddity before his brain even registered the site. No front door should be open, whether or not someone was home. He pushed it slightly, and the wooden door gave way with a creak. It echoed.

Angel stepped inside. His feet echoed on the ground, their shuffling noise filling the whole house. What.? There was no furniture left except for one couch in the living room. A white sheet had been tossed over it to prevent too much dust from getting at it. Several moving boxes remained scattered around the rooms. But what had once been a home was deprived of life. Or happiness.

He heard someone sobbing quietly to themselves from somewhere in the house, and by instinct, he found himself walking up to Buffy's room. Sure enough, a gentle nudge of her bedroom door revealed Xander. He was kneeling in the center of her room, staring at the floor and rocking back and forth. He looked up as the door opened, his eyes red and puffy. He was crying.

"Xander?" Angel whispered quietly, not moving from the doorframe. His eyes darted around the room. All of her furniture was gone. Not even a speck of dust remained in the room. The only things filling the room were Xander's sorrow. and sunlight. He could not enter, even if bravery was on his side. "What happened? Where's Buffy?"

Xander breathed. It sounded like wheezing almost, through the tears and the tightened throat muscles. He glared at Angel as he prepared himself to speak. How dare he have the nerve to ask such a thing. "She was. being granted a wish. By the PTB. Some whole thing. about being a warrior for almost ten years. or something."

Angel already guessed the rest of what Xander would say on this. The messenger's words came back to him. <*A request has been made. You are loved.> She had wished for his humanity. She had been granted one wish, and she had wished for happiness with him. He waited for Xander to continue.

"She wanted you to be human," Xander declared bitterly. He couldn't bring himself to look at the vampire a moment longer. How he hated Dead Boy. The sobs began to work their way back up his throat. How could he go on? "She. she wanted to tell you. to. surprise you. But. she never made it. to LA. She. was killed. in a car accident. on her way to see you."

Xander had barely finished his sentence before Angel was running down the stairs, tossing the heavy blanket over himself, and rushing out the front door. He didn't slow till his feet hit the pavement of the sewer. And even then, he kept going. Away. He needed to get away. He needed. He didn't know what he needed. Not anymore. Nothing made sense.

~*~ Oh, I am what I am
I'll do what I want
But I can't hide ~*~

He wept. Angel was strong, but her death was stronger. He couldn't win this battle, no matter how hard he tried. Life and death wouldn't let him play. He was nothing more than a bystander. A pawn of irony and fate.

He didn't emerge from the sewer system till the light had faded. He didn't want the light anymore. The sun didn't matter. Humanity didn't matter. Happiness didn't matter. She mattered. Buffy was the only thing he could think of. Her voice, her image, her love kept replaying in his mind like a movie that someone had on loop. He felt himself going mad.

In the silent coolness of the night, he journeyed to the cemetery. There were many cemeteries in Sunnydale, but he knew where she would be buried. Instinct led him, he thought. Or more likely, his broken heart. His memories of her called out to him from the shadows of the city streets, from the leaves of the trees, from the moonlight.

He didn't rest until he came to her gravesite. The dirt was still fresh. She had been buried recently, perhaps earlier that day. He kicked it slightly with the tip of his shoes, watching the way the dirt scattered slightly as the wind picked it up. Then he collapsed, pounding the dirt with his fist. "How COULD you?! How COULD you?! How could you give me life without you?! How could.?!" Agony overswept him till he had no more strength. The sobs and the tears left him powerless. "Buffy," he whispered, her name lingering on his lips.

He felt like opening his jaws and roaring at the moon. He wanted to take death in his grip and kill it. Defeat it. Demand her life back. He needed her here. With him. How could she be robbed of her life when his about to begin? How could life be so unfair? And fate so powerful? When did he become to helpless?

Angel felt himself curl up in a protective ball on top of her grave. He scooped up tiny handfuls of dirt and let them run through his fingers, watching the grains of dirt fall to the ground through his tears. He didn't want this world anymore. It was no good. Life was no good without her. He felt weak and scared and. alone. He was alone. "Buffy." he whispered, his tears flooding his vision until he was forced to close them.

He waited for dawn.

~*~ And I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
And I won't leave
And I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here ~*~

Xander arrived at her grave the next day, a handful of flowers picked fresh from his mother's garden. She would be upset to find some of her prized yellow roses missing, but he didn't care. This was Buffy. She had been in the ground for almost exactly one day, and he had to wonder if the rest of his life would be as hard as the past 24 hours had been.

As he went to lay the flowers on top of the headstone, he noticed something. A pile of dust was laying on the top of her grave. It was odd, he thought at first. But then it struck him.

Angel wasn't human yet. And he would never be, from the looks of it. The dust. They were together, exactly as Buffy had wanted. They were together, and eternity was their home. Happiness was finally upon them. Death hadn't gotten the better of them, for not even that could separate them.

Out of respect, Xander scooped the remaining dust into a neater pile, laying a yellow rose on top of it. He smiled as he took a step back. "I'm really gonna miss you guys." And he turned to leave, a little bit of peace comforting him as he trudged back to his car.

And as the dust began to carry away with the wind and the petals of the yellow rose began to tremble in the breeze, the whispers of the lovers were heard in the distance. The sun shone through the leaves, shining its heavenly rays upon the two lovers, laid to rest.

~*~ And I won't go
And I won't sleep
And I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
And I won't leave
And I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me ~*~

Send feedback to Katie (Shining Star)

Back to the Fanfiction Archive