DISCLAIMER: I'm not Joss Whedon, I don't own them, the lyrics belong to Amanda Marshall
SPOILERS: S.1 for Angel and S.4 for Buffy
SYNOPSIS: Buffy thinking about Angel
DISTRIBUTION: Let me know if you want it
FEEDBACK: Please, please,please… you get the point
RATING: PG * WARNING CONTAINS ANGST*
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I'm very tired so who knows how this turned out.

Fed up with my destiny
This place of no return
I think I'll take another day
And slowly watch it burn

I didn't get a choice. I don't get to live my life as a carefree teenager. I have a sacred duty, a birthright, a destiny. I used to try to fight it. I would push the limits, but now. Now I can't force myself to. It's too much of a struggle. When I used to fight, I was fighting for something, my life with Angel. Now that that's gone, what have I got to fight for? Anything, everything, nothing, it's all the same to me.

It doesn't really matter
How the time goes by
Cause I still remember you and I
And our beautiful goodbye

I tried to forget. I tried to have the normal life you wanted me to, but it all fell apart. I told you I was going to forget, but how could I. Have you? No I didn't think so. It's not possible to forget, I can't turn a corner without seeing something, or someone saying something that reminds me of you.

Staggered through these empty streets
Laughing arm in arm
The night had made a mess of me
Your confessions kept me warm

Around others you were quiet and sullen. But with me…with me you would open up. You would laugh about jokes and all the things we'd been through. Then you'd cry about your fears while we sat by the fire. It was beautiful and I never thought it would end. But all good things must come to an end, but I always ask why?

I don't really miss you
I just need to know
Do you ever think of you and I?
And our beautiful goodbye

I have my nice, "normal" life now, but I hate it. I don't know if it's you I miss, or if it's the feeling that you always gave me when you were around. It was a comfort feeling, my comfort zone, but it's gone now. Do you ever think of us? What a couple we were. To outsiders we appeared normal, but we were far far from it.

When I see you now I wonder how
I could have watched you walk away
If I let you down please forgive me now
For that beautiful goodbye

I could kick myself for just standing there. I didn't budge, or move an inch when I saw you. I could have ran to you, or screamed your name, begged you not to leave. But our pride was too strong, and you were too stubborn. So you left.

In this day of no regrets
I keep mine to myself
And all the things we never share
I can save for someone else
Nothing lasts forever, but we always try
And I just can't help but wonder why
We let it pass us by

I don't dare speak a word of this to Willow or Xander or anyone for that matter. I keep it inside, the way everyone tells you not to do. What they don't tell you is the pain that comes with telling it. I will always wonder why we didn't try and make it work. Neither of are happy like this, so why on earth did we think we should be apart?

When I see you now, I wonder how
I could have watched you walk away
If I let you down, please forgive me now
For that beautiful goodbye

If I ever run into you on the street I will smile and make small talk. But it can't ever be like it was. Those times have long come and gone and we've grown up. But I can't help thinking how great it would have been if we had stayed together. So if I do see you on the street I will smile my fake smile and possibly hug you, when all the while my soul is splitting in two just from the sight of you. It's funny that I can survive demons and darkness, but I can't survive one glance from little old you. But I'll always have our beautiful goodbye.

Send feedback to Kelley

Back to the Fanfiction Archive