How Can You?

How Can You?

DISCLAIMER: I'm not Joss Whedon, therefore I don't own them
SPOILERS: S.1 for Angel, S.4 for Buffy
SYNOPSIS: Angel reflects on questions he has asked in the past
DISTRIBUTION: Please let me know if you want to take it
FEEDBACK: Please, please, I crave it
RATING: PG
AUTHOR'S NOTES: its back to angst for Kelley. I got an idea for this at like midnight, so it's not my fault if it's messed up, well ok it is, but… ok enough babble, onto the story. **WARNING CONTIANS ANGST**

I used to ask myself how can you love me? I'm not anywhere deserving. I have done nothing noble or gallant. I didn't think it was possible to steal your heart. All those days I spent asking myself that I should have been enjoying the love I could get. I took it for granted and it went away. That was mistake number one.

I used to ask myself how can you tear me apart or brighten my day with just one look? On occasion your sad moping eyes and the slight frown that played at your lips was enough to drive me into an all out brood for days. Yet with one small smile apparent only to me I felt like the world had been turned right side up again. You still have to power to do that to me, only now I can't quite find what is behind those expressions.

I used to ask myself how can you be willing to give me a second chance? I came back knowing I would probably never see you again, much less be forgiven and taken back. You have shocked me on many occasions, but this is one of the biggest. I didn't want to prod, or ask questions for fear that it might all go away. At that point you were the most gracious caring person I had ever met.

I used to ask myself how can you and I live without each other? Of course this was one of the few I never wanted to learn. But of course I had too. I knew better than to think it would last forever, but part of me thought it would. Who knows maybe it will, at least I hope so. We have managed so far though, but heaven knows it has been a challenge.

I used to ask myself how can you forget? You said you wouldn't, I hoped you wouldn't, but all reason in me knew that you would. I know it couldn't have been avoided, it had to happen. I hoped that because you were the slayer it would not affect you and by some miraculous way, you would remember, but you forgot.

I used to ask myself how can you have changed so much? When you came to visit I wondered who you were. You had changed so much from when I left, or from when I saw you at Thanksgiving for that matter. You weren't the Buffy that I knew and loved, you were someone else entirely. I didn't know what had changed you, how you came to be this way and I didn't dare ask. I was still surprised and shocked though.

I used ask myself how can you go through all that we've gone through and come out the same person? I don't think it's possible. When we were together we changed; we learned that we could be happy. When I left I learned what it felt like to be alone again. And now, I feel that we have changed more than we have ever before because we have been apart for so long. We've changed, and it's true what you said, we don't know each other anymore.

I used to ask myself questions, but now I know the answer to all of them is exactly the same. We can't go back to the past. We have new lives, new friends, and we can't change ourselves back to be how we used to be.