DISCLAIMER: I don't own them, just wish I did.
SPOILERS: Up to Restless and Shanshu in LA
SYNOPSIS: Riley breaks up with Buffy and she gets an unexpected visitor.
WARNING CONTAINS AGNST
FEEDBACK: Please!!!
RATING: PG

It had been 2 weeks since Riley had broken up with me. And can I tell you what an experience that was. He kept saying something about not trusting me and about life being short. Carpe Deim, ha, like when did that ever work for me? I could be selfish and say it was all Angel's fault. Riley broke up with me right after we destroyed Adam and Angel came to Sunnydale. Something I told Angel keeps replaying in my mind, "I trust him. I know him." I guess I didn't know him well enough. I don't know if I really trusted him in the first place, I just wanted to get back at Angel, and that was the first thing that came to mind.

So now I was doing something that Angel does best: brooding. I've been sitting in my room listening to "Music of Pain", as Xander would refer to it, eating ice cream and thinking about all the bad things in my life in my pajamas. It was not a pretty sight.

Willow had this absurd notion that it was because Riley had broken up with me. Well sure that was definitely a part of it, but most of it was just my stupid life and how screwed up it was. I was just doomed to badness, I was sure of it.

There was a knock on the door, so I quickly replied "Go away". The door opened anyway and I figured it to be Willow or Xander trying to convince me to come out and enjoy the summer.

Didn't matter much to me. I felt a tap on my shoulder and I replied with my usual right hook. Instead of it being caught it connected with someone's jaw.

Not just someone's jaw, Angel's jaw. "Oh my gosh, Angel I'm so sorry, I didn't know it was you." Then more quietly I added, "Willow and Xander know to catch my right hook by now."

Angel was here, in my room, what was he doing in my room? "Angel, not to be rude or anything, but what are you doing here?" He replied with his usual stoic self, "Well I heard that you weren't coming out of your room… at all, I was worried."

Then it hit me; Angel came here to comfort me after my break up with Riley, who he hates. He still cared about me. "So why are you sitting in your room all alone", then he added, "with the exception of Patsy Cline of course."

"Of course", I said.

Then took a deep breath, not ready to tell him what he probably already knew. "I feel like you, sitting here… brooding. Am I doing it right? I mean, should I have a book or…" "Buffy, you can tell me anything."

This was my Angel, willing to play best supporting actor, and he would do a heck of a job doing it. "Is it me", I asked him. "Am I like a pain magnet, or heartache, am I destined for it? Everything I touch falls apart in pain. Should I just block myself off and stay in my room. All I ever do is cause pain and heartache, you know? I just don't know what to do."

Then he looked at me with all his heart in those eyes, and he said, "I know the feeling." That's when I lost it, I just broke down and all the suffering and misery I had locked up in me spilled out.

Angel held me while I sobbed and it was a relief to have those strong arms around me. How I missed that. He let me sob and cry for who knows how long. Then I looked up at him and with all the courage I could muster I said, "Angel don't go, please, just stay, we could make it work… please?" Then I looked down; I couldn't bear to look in his eyes, because I knew they would hold the answer. He tilted my chin up to look into his eyes, and I knew the answer.

After all this time he still had the ability to tear my heart out with his glance. With that glance he kissed me, soft and bittersweet. I knew that this was not just a goodbye for a while kiss. This was our final goodbye. With that he turned and left, leaving me with my broken heart once more. Later I would find out that just days before he had learned he would one day be human.

He didn't want to be with me, even if he could, and that ripped me apart even more. I stood and forced myself to look in the mirror.

I walked over to the desk and looked. I wondered what I had done to myself, who I had become, because it wasn't the old me everyone knew and loved; it was someone entirely different.

Then I looked down at the desk and saw a generic CD case. It had the word Play written on the front and at the very bottom was one single word that tore me apart, "Goodbye". I reluctantly put the CD in and pressed play. The lyrics were that of which I would label "Music of Pain".

I had no way to know what might have been.
Sure I think about you now and then
But it's been a long, long time.
I've got a good life now, I've moved on.
So when you cross my mind,
I try not to think about what might have been.
Cause that was then
And we've taken different roads…
We can't go back again
There's no use giving in.
And there's no way to know
What might have been.
We can sit and talk about this all night long.
Wonder why we didn't last.
Yes they might the best days we will ever know…
But we'll have to leave them in the past.
So try not to think about what might have been.
Cause that was then
And we've taken different roads…
We can't go back again
There's no use giving in.
And there's no way to know
What might have been.
The same old look in your eyes
It's a beautiful night…
I'm so tempted to stay.
But too much time has gone by.
We should just say goodbye, and turn and walk away…
And try not to think about what might have been.
Cause that was then
And we've taken different roads…
We can't go back again
There's no use giving in.
And there's no way to know
What might have been
No we'll never know.
What might have been…

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