DISCLAIMER: I don't own them, Joss Whedon does, lyrics belong to Third Eye Blind
SPOILERS: S.1 for Angel and S.4 for Buffy
SYNOPSIS: Angel writes to Buffy
DISTRIBUTION: Please let me know if you want it
FEEDBACK: Pretty please, I crave it!!
RATING: PG
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Like "Last Beautiful Girl" I wrote them a while back, so who knows how good they are.

Summertime and the wind is blowing outside in Lower California.
And I don't know what I'm doing in this city.
The sun is always in my eyes.
It crashes through the windows.
And I'm sleeping on the couch when I came to visit you.

June 23, 2002

Dear Buffy,

I don't know why I'm writing this letter. You will probably doubt it's from me, but it is. Enclosed is a picture and a CD. I'm not sure if you already own it, but lets just say it's a goodbye gift. If you're afraid your eyes are deceiving you, let me reassure you. The picture is of Cordelia, Wesley, and I in front of Angel Investigations… in the sunlight. Surprise… the oracles said I have fulfilled my destiny and this is my reward, I'm human.

Now, look at the above words in italics. They are the lyrics to song number 13. It very much describes our situation. No don't put it on yet. I want to explain them as I go. There were two things I could have gone about this when I became human. One, I could have come running to Sunnydale, hoping for you to take me back. It could have worked nicely, or it could have ended up as WW3. So I decided on the latter, which is to go on with my life and enjoy everything I haven't gotten to enjoy in some 200 odd years. If I had come to Sunnydale I would have ended up sleeping on the couch, like in the lyrics.

When I came to visit you.
That's when I knew, that I could never have you.
I knew that before you did.
Still I'm feeling stupid.

Now, in my mind, if I had come to Sunnydale I would have come to the realization that I subconsciously came to 3 years ago, that I can never have you. And yes, don't argue that fact that I knew before you did. If I don't write this letter then I will have gut feeling that I didn't do the right thing. So by putting my feelings on paper, I am not only explaining this to you, but me as well.

And there's this burning.
Like there's always been.
I've never been so alone.
And I've never been so alive.

There has always been a part of me that I ignored for the 3 years we were together. It was a burning to do things, myself, alone. I haven't felt so alone, no, not alone, because I have Cordelia and Wesley, but I have always had you in my heart, and I don't anymore. It's revitalizing having that feeling. It's like being free.

Visions of you on a motorcycle drive by.
Cigarette ash flies in your eyes.
And you don't mind.
And you smile.

This verse doesn't really relate, but hey, I had to put it in here anyway. Have you ever ridden on a motorcycle? I did the other day and I'm going to have to buy one, they are so much fun. Sorry, I'm babbling.

And say the world doesn't fit with you.
I don't believe you.
You're so serene.
Careening through the universe.
Your axis on a tilt.

You have always complained that you were different, and apart for the world. And that you didn't have a normal life. I hope you can find that now. When you do have a normal life you will appreciate it so much more, because you have know different. Or maybe you will miss your old life, and discover this one's not fun. I don't know, but whatever you decide I hope you are happy.

Guiltless and free.
I hope you take a piece of me with you.
And there are things I would like to do that you don't believe in.
I would like to build something.
But you'd never see it happen.

When you look back on your life I hope you remember me fondly and not hatefully. Of course after all that's happened I don't know what you think. If we were to be together now, it wouldn't work, because I've grown these past few years. I think I've grown more in these last 3 years than I have in my whole life, and unlife.

And there's this burning.
Like there's always been.
I've never been so alone.
And I've never been so alive.

You've already heard my opinion on these lyrics, so I will just skip them and continue.

Where's the soul I want to know
Sunnydale is evil.
The surface is everything.
But I could never do that.
Someone would see through that.

Okay, I know the song doesn't say Sunnydale, but I'm putting it, because it relates to us. When I visited you the last time I noticed that you had changed in ways I never thought you would. It's not my place to judge if those are good or bad. I can't come back to Sunnydale because it and everyone there would judge me for the old me and wouldn't accept the new me. And everyone there would see through me if I tried to be the old me, or if I tried to fit in there, so I can't come back.

And this is the last time.
We'll be friends again.
I'll get over you
And you'll wonder who I am.

I don't think in the past I was really over you, but I think I finally am, and I can move ahead with a clear conscious. We have tried the "just friends" thing a million times and it never works, so we will be I don't know, how about "working consultants". If you ever do need a favor, work related, or personal, let me know. If you saw me now, I wonder if you would recognize me. Of course you could physically, but emotionally you don't know me, and you haven't for 3 years.

I go home to the coast.
It starts to rain.
I paddle out on the water alone.
Taste the salt and taste the pain.
I'm not thinking of you again.

The coast, LA, it's my home now, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I've given up brooding, well, what I call brooding at least. Cordelia says I still do, but to me brooding is thinking about you, and I don't anymore. Well sure sometimes you will cross my mind, just like I'm sure I do yours, but you aren't dominating my thoughts anymore.

Summer dies and swells rise.
The sun goes down in my eyes.
See this rolling wave.
Darkly coming to take me home.

I love sunsets, I watch them every night and I am so thankful that I got my second chance.

And I've never been so alone.
And I've never been so alive.

I hope I haven't upset you with this letter, but I hope you are enjoying your new "normal" life. We now have our own lives and fresh starts on both of them. I wish you luck and happiness in yours.

Sincerely,
Angel

P.S. Now you can play track 13. Enjoy the CD. And Angel Investigations will be staying open.

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