DISCLAIMER: Do I look like Joss Whedon? No, I didn't think so. The lyrics belong to Madonna
SPOILERS: S.1 for Angel, S.4 for Buffy
SYNOPSIS: Buffy gets a surprise while visiting Angel's old mansion
DISTRIBUTION: Let me know if you want to take it
FEEDBACK: Pretty please… with a cherry on top
RATING: PG
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Yea! Finally a fluffy fan fiction from Kelley

"Come on", called Riley, "I know it came this way."

"Can't we just let this one go?"

"Buffy", said Riley mock scolding.

"Ok, fine", I said reluctantly as I followed him down Crawford Street. We walked together in silence until Riley's loud exclamation, "look at that huge house, it looks deserted, let's go check it out" broke it. Realizing what he was pointing to I quickly said, "I don't think that's a great idea", trying to hide the emotion that was rising in the pit of my stomach.

"Oh come on, it can't be that bad", he said pulling me behind him. I reluctantly followed him into the mansion, trying to dissipate the scenes that ran through my mind. Riley noticing the chains stated, "This place certainly had some interesting inhabitants, let's see what all is here."

Trying to find an excuse to leave I stated, "Isn't this breaking and entering?" Riley having looked around and finding nothing to his interest said, "Yeah well, there's nothing here in the first place, but if it makes you feel better we can leave." I only nodded and started to make my way out, Riley following closely behind.

**

After making up some excuse to Willow, I slipped out of the dorm and made my way back to the mansion not so much as an upward glance. I walked in the door with slight resistance as if struggling with some inner turmoil. I glanced around noting dust everywhere; a painful reminder of just how much time had passed since he had left.

This used to be my playground
This used to be my childhood dream
This used to be the place I ran to
Whenever I was in need of a friend
Why did it have to end and why do they always say…

This was my sanctuary. I could come here whenever I needed him, no matter what for. I took those days for granted. Knowing he was here. I could have convinced him to stay. I should have convinced him to stay. But when it came to him, I was, as Spike would say, helpless as a kitten up a tree.

Don't look back
Keep your head held high
Don't ask them why
Because life is short

I shouldn't be here, wallowing in the pain of the past. I should be doing what he wanted for me. Enjoying my normal life, but I can't force myself to do that. Life is short, and in my case, even shorter, shouldn't I be enjoying it with the one I love? That question often plagued me, but I hadn't enough courage to follow through with it.

And before you know
You're feeling old
And your heart is breaking
Don't hold on to the past
Well that's too much to ask

Who did think I was, telling him I was going to 'start forgetting'? I could never forget, never. That's the problem; I should be having fun, living it up… but I can't. Not with the little voice in the back of my mind telling me I love him still, and I always will.

No regrets
But I wish that you
Were here with me
Well then there's hope yet

Part of me believes that as long as I keep loving him, then he will at some point come back. I wonder if he ever does this, sits with the pictures of us going through his mind. My 17th birthday, the summer of 98', Christmas, and most importantly graduation. Maybe not, but part of me, the optimistic part hopes he does.

I can see your face
In our secret place
You're not just a memory
Say goodbye to yesterday
Those are words I'll never say

I can't give up on the past when it's all I have of the future. I can't go on living in this state. This bewildered version of the old me. The hectic nightmares, the fever spun daydreams. I can't do it anymore. I need the past just as much as I need oxygen. I wouldn't be who I am today without all that has happened to us.

This used to be my playground
This used to me our pride and joy
This used to be the place we ran to
That no one in the world could dare destroy

We vowed that no on could ever tear us apart. No matter what evil came, no matter what happened, what got destroyed, we would stand still. But in the end, in the end it was us, you and I that tore us apart. The one thing we swore would last forever took us away from each other.

This used to be my playground
This used to be my childhood dream
This used to be the place I ran to
I wish you were standing here with me

Suddenly I sensed a presence, it wasn't a vampire, but it was. I turned around to see him standing there with a goofy grin on his face. He ran at me and lifted me up. He put my hand on his chest. Now I was the one with the goofy grin on my face.

"Thump thump, thump thump", I said with glee. Some wishes do come true was my last thought before I started my new life. The life I had always wanted, the one we deserved. Our life… together

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