Disclaimer: Would Joss ever write something like this? No, he'd probably write it a heck of a lot better than moi. Or eviller, hmm. Hey, pessimism is MY middle name…er actually it's Faith but we don't have to get into that.
Spoilers: Season 4 Buffy upto "Where the Wild Things Are" (even though I haven't seen it, I think I have enough information on it to know what all happened) and really nothing for Angel.
Rating: Um, PG? I don't find anything too unreadable.
Feedback: I beg you, for once send me feedback! Instead of like, one piece. Please? Hmm, I don't think my begging is going over well. That's OK, I feel better after begging.
Distribution: Ask and I shall respond with a hearty "Yes" or a morbid "For the love of God, no!"
Side Note: This would be a letter Buffy's left in her dorm room for Willow to find. I wrote it in Geometry so forgive me for you know -- stupidity.

I feel just like I'm sinking. Simply sitting in Riley's bed makes me ill with myself. This is wrong and I know that. But you know what? I'm so different now that I probably won't do a damn thing about it. Ever since He had to leave me (and I know you know who I'm talking about) it's like…a part of me left too. The real me. Just the parts He loved the most to keep him going on his own. All of you guys say I'm so much better now. Either you're lying to me or this is the kind of person you really want me to be. You know, occasionally selfish, ignorant and uncaring about your well being. Here's where I dig deep and give you a piece of what's going inside the head that is Buffy. Hey, if you're too scared already, then I'd skip to the end and see how I've come out of this little "revelation".

Normal: Something I won't ever be and really don't deserve no matter how hard I fight. No it's not the exact definition but when it comes to me it is. I'm not stupid, I know what I'm doing is wrong but I have to keep going with my so called life. I can't be alone but I do, and Riley…he's what I need but don't. Does that make sense? He's like my paradox, but a good one. Now that I look back at all we've been through though, it's…its not enough that he cares about me. The first time he and I had sex it was penned up sexual angst. Simple as that and well the incidents a few days ago we were under the influence. But the first time…After we fought the Polgara it was like I disappeared and something else took the reigns. I don't like that, it's like when you're drunk and you don't know what you're doing but you remember after everything's finished. I died that day, I really did. I felt like trash and I was disgusted all over again at letting another man touch me in such an intimate way when it's not Angel. It'll never be Angel sure, but if I lose my dreams I lose myself more.

I can't change what I've down, god knows I want to so I can make better choices, but I have to stop fooling myself. Riley is a good man, but not good enough for me. I don't want to sound selfish, that's the last thing I need anymore but I figured if I wrote this enough I'll realize what I'm doing and put an end to it like I can do with the forces of evil all the time. That I can stop relying on Riley so much, we both know I was never this codependent before I met him and unless I do something, he'll probably hurt me too. How bad is that? I find a good guy and I can't have him because he's not my "type." Maybe that is selfish, but I think this time I'm being the good kind of selfish. Look at this, now I'm an oxymoron.

I'm putting a stop to all this, it's just too much to bear anymore. I know it's bad to hurt Riley when things are going well and I have no right to do it because he's been fairly good to me…but I need to be free. Scary though -- me free. I need to find the real me again and if that means seeing Angel, you know I'd do it. That's a spark of the old me, right? The crazy thing called "Hope" I used to have? Maybe now when I see him again we can clear up everything that was left unsaid last time I saw -- no wait, last time I chewed him out for just doing what he was asked to by the Higher Ups. If I have to walk to LA tonight just to keep this line I'm going on straight, then I'll bring all the tennis shoes I need to get there. It's not too far…

So Willow this is me walking. After I put down the pen and paper and tape this to the computer screen where you better see it. When you do find and read this you can give it to everyone else, but tell them that when I come back I won't be the same person. I'll be me again. Can you handle that? Kind of starting to wonder if I can…

Sincerely,
Buffy

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