DISCLAIMER: OBJ and -- ooh! UPN now! How cool! And Fox and all them Kuzui's. I own naught.
SPOILERS: All right. This is spoil-y for ALL the seasons, I believe. If you issue about quotes an' such.. (the only quotes in it are from Fool for Love, The Gift, Blood Ties, Triangle, Forever, Prophecy Girl, Reptile Boy, Graduation Day (Part 2) and that's about the it.)
NOTES: This is another one of those Buffy's thoughts things. During the 'The Gift' and her chitchat with Dawn. It's a weeee bit different (witness the way 'The Weight of the World' was done and the coolness therein.) than what I'm used to. Anyway. That's all.

"Every Slayer has a Death Wish..."

If that's the case, does that make me less of a Slayer? I don't recall ever having one except...

Well, Freshmen year of college sucked and I missed Angel so I really wanted to die. I wouldn't really call it a Wish I just...I wanted something to end the pain. I wished that I wished I were dead...

But Spike's words simply bothered me and I stop to think about them all the time. It doesn't make sense to me nor do I want it to. I care about life and...

"The hardest thing to do in this life is to live in it..."

I could hear myself pouring the words out. Time was ticking away and the Sun was rising, I could feel it in my bones. There were many things I wish I could say to Angel right now, a lot of explaining about my Gift but I just pray that Giles will tell him. For me...

"Live. For me..."

It's a good thing I can separate my Mind, Body, Spirit and Soul because right now I'm having a hard time keeping a grip on reality. I don't have a Death Wish, I have a Death Gift and that...that's scary to me because in all honesty I don't want to die but I'll gladly give up my life if it means someone else will live on for me. And that's what Dawn is going to do, she is me and she has my blood...

"Summer's blood..."

It's important that I die in her place because it's not forever. All that is forever is...well: I'm full of love.

"Their love will last forever!"

It took me a whole year and a half to discover what I really am. I go deeper than what anyone ever could believe and that's not because I'm the Slayer, it's because I'm Buffy Anne Summers. I broke all the rules according to the Ancient Laws and I became the first Slayer to Love. I'm going to last a lot longer than what people think.

There's a great Light surrounding me now and there is no pain. I can hear Dawn crying in my heart and I wish...I wish it didn't have to be this way, Death is a hard Gift to give and nobody deserves that. I hope she can see that, she's a smart girl. She's always taken after Mom in that way.

I want to be all wisdom-y and comfort her but I can't. I can't reach anyone around me now, I can feel them there and I can hear them cry and all I can do is walk away. For them, I'm over and I won't come back because Death is permanent. Death isn't something you can change and you don't bring that person back with a wish...

"Tomorrow the stuff of everyday living resumes."

Here lays the person that I can't even contemplate will take my "Death". If there was a way to let them know I was still here (because I'm always here) then I would do it, but there's not. All there is, is the memory of my small existence and the good I've done for the world written down in a Journal.

Yes, I remember a time of wanting to die.

"I'm sixteen years old, I-I don't want to die."

And I remember a time of wanting nothing but Love surrounding me. As cheesy as that may sound, it's true.

"When you kiss me, I want to die."

I'm just a girl with superpowers and stuff. I do things differently and this is by no means my swan song. I'll be back because I'm fighting for life now...

"It is never over!"

I just hope they don't forget me like I did.

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