Author's Note: Let's see. I wrote this in between Fool for Love and I wanna say before whatever ep aired after "Blood Money" was. (No, I don't *read* spoilers so if there's stuff in there that makes you go "Waaait..." it's *so* not my fault.)
TIDBIT: This hit me one night at 1AM when I was thinking about the movie American Beauty. So the funky music that plays in the beginning kind of goes along with the first part o' this fic. But that was my inspiration! If I didn't write it, it would've driven me insane

My name is Buffy Summers. I'm twenty years old and I live in Los Angeles, California with my boyfriend Angel, currently the sexy vampire with a Soul. He doesn't know it yet, but in six years he'll be human. This is my perfect world. Sunnydale is no longer an active Hellmouth. I go to college at UCLA. My little Sister stays with Angel and I in his Hotel. She loves it here, so does my Mother. I convinced her to retire early. I still have my old friends, it's the way things used to be only a little different.

In my perfect world, Gunn and I are best friends. He dates Cordelia and she and I actually get along, for the most part. Oz, Wesley, Spike and Xander are the older brothers I never had. Xander, by the way, still dates Anya. I think they love each other. After some complications, Tara (well -- died) and Willow found Oz again. He came back. She's happy again. Doyle's around somewhere because it's not a perfect world without Angel's best friend. Personally I think he likes Cordelia. Giles is still around he just has some of his own stuff going on. He's quite single in my world. He's too busy for relationships anyway. Plus it's kinda gross. My Mom lives here with us as well. We're one big family, and I should hope a happy one at that.

It wasn't always this perfect. I know there were a lot of things to get past but its better now. We're happy and I have my lover back so I couldn't ask for more. Well, maybe a longer life span...

I always think about this place. My routines, my new lifestyle, and then he walks into the room with a haggard expression and my perfect world disappears. It's not supposed to be this way. He's not supposed to be sad.

I go to him quickly wrapping my arms around his neck. His hands slip around my waist and I can feel his tension burning into my skin. It's been like this a lot lately. I lead him to the couch and we sit there embracing each other until he feels apt enough to talk. He's had things on his mind lately, bad things.

"Angel?"

The silence became too much for me, and that's all it takes to get him to open up. I say his name. He always knows when I'm concerned. But he huffs at me -- he's been kind of cranky lately too.

"She's back, Buffy."

And "she" is always back. I can't make her go away. I hope he knows this hurts me.

"She's real...she's..."

"Do...do you want her?"

His eyes snapped back to me. He appeared horrified at the very thought. I could only hope. Maybe now he'll know how distraught she makes me feel.

"Buffy, no--"

"Then *what*?"

"She was apart of my life for a hundred and fifty years."

"That wasn't your life," I said quietly.

I think I have him back in my hands now. His fingers toy idly with my hair and it makes me giggle. He always fidgets. It's one of the things I love most about him. That, and when he makes this pretend pant ('cause he really doesn't have to breathe) really, really fast--

"Mm," I melt as his lips touch mine.

We haven't successfully resolved the "her" issue. We never really do. But I know his heart is in the right place, or it will be when the time comes. We'll get through this it's what we do.

"Knock, knock," I hear Spike say from the door. "Oh you two..."

I giggle once more against my lover's lips before pulling away. "Did you bring Dawn back in one piece for me?"

"I did," he said proudly. "Ran into a little trouble on the way back, poor bird skinned her knee. I made Xander kiss it, she felt all better then. Didn't you luv?"

I glanced over to Dawn who decided to make her appearance with a bright smile. I love to see her happy. She nodded quickly at Spike and then looked back to me, ready to explain the situation.

"But on one condition," she began slowly. "I have to call Spike Uncle William, Gunn Uncle Charles, Wes Uncle Pretty Boy, Oz Uncle Wolfie, Cordelia Auntie Cordy and Doyle Uncle Drunk A Lot," then she pointed at Angel. "You're Uncle Angie."

Angel coughed. "Uncle *What*?"

I set a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "Calm down, Honey. It's just for a week."

With the look he had on his face, I think he'd rather be in a room surrounded by 1,000 Darlas. My poor Angel, but I'm sure things'll get better. They kind of have to.

"Ah, ah, ah," I tightened my arms around Gunn's neck. He was giving me a piggyback ride from his truck to the couch. Little does he know that I'm not about to get off just yet. He and I had offered to take the nights patrol. I thought Angel too tired. Dawn was probably still reading him to sleep -- that or he read her to sleep. You never knew with those two.

I smiled at my Mother sitting on the couch across from the TV; she was grinning away at me so I pouted.

"What?"

"Twenty years old and you *still* ask for piggy back rides."

"I'm de-maturing," I reported proudly. "Besides, Gunn can take it."

I mouthed a few words to her. She wisely interpreted it as: Gunn and Cordelia separated. That's why she's my Mom. I could never lose her. And thankfully, Gunn didn't notice our little exchange.

"Okay, okay, you can put me down now."

"Thank you God," Gunn knelt down for me to hop off. Sometimes he treats me like I'm just a girl, which is a welcome change I guess. He did it back when I ran away to here in '98. I walked over to sit with My Mom and we stared at the TV.

"You're watching Late Night -- ooh! Gunn, its Kev!"

That catches his attention and he settled down with us.

"So where's Angel?" I asked (during commercials of course, I wouldn't wanna mess with Gunn's favorite guy on TV: Kevin Eubanks.

"He said he'd be back later. He wanted to take Dawn out to meet someone."

"Oh," I curled up next to her and finally drifted away.

Later that night, I walked slowly up the stairs to head for Angel and I's room. I feel so tired. Immediately I curled up in bed, not even noticing Angel's entire lack of presence. When I'm tired...

That's not to say I don't feel disturbed at his absence. I do feel empty; I'm just too worn out to acknowledge it.

"Darla, stop--"

Did I say I was sleepy? I was just lying. I tend to do that a lot. I sat up in bed and stared at the door as Darla walked in like she owned the place. She scowled at me, I could care less what she thinks. Soul or no Soul, she means nothing to me.

"Oh, look, the cheerleader," she rolled her eyes at me. "When did you two get back together?"

"A month and two days ago. Darla this has to stop," Angel gripped her arm and turned her to face him. "You have a Soul--"

"And that means what, Angel? I get to start moping about like you? I don't think so. I'm *dignified*. I don't grovel for meager hope."

That was it, I was up in a fury. "He does *not* grovel--"

Darla glared at me. "Oh he doesn't does he?"

I didn't like her Soul. Of course, I don't like mine either but Angel does and that's all that matters. I was silently begging her to keep talking then I could knock that smirk right off her face. Maybe take a couple of teeth with it.

"No. You do. Look at you. If you really wanted to walk away, if you really didn't care, then you would have left by now."

Darla waved my comment away. "I would be, but love here won't let me budge."

I shared a knowing look with Angel. "He's stubborn. But I know him, I trust him. And if he sees hope in you...maybe I don't, but I support him. I'll tie you down just to keep you here if I have to because by god, he will not fail you."

Darla stared evenly at me. "You're so trusting. Here's a piece of literature written during my era that you should take to heart: 'Lord what fools these mortals be'."

"Darla," I could hear the growl that almost came out with her name when Angel spoke. "Let us help you."

I could see her perfect resolve caving and part of me was happy for the victory. She could be in my perfect world. That is, if she didn't hit on Angel. Then her Soul began to cloud once more...

"I don't want this," Darla shoved him back. "Just leave me alone!"

Angel didn't chase after her when she ran out. He came to me, sinking down on the bed. Then he reached for my hand like a lifeline.

"I'm sorry," I told him in all honesty. I am sorry: for him. Darla got gypped, sure, but she's acting all wrong. If you're not sure of your Soul, you don't get help then turn it away. She made herself easy for him to find because deep down she wants to be redeemed. Angel is so willing to do that for her...

"Don't be. I tried, she deserved help but...it's her choice I can't force her."

I smiled tightly at him. "You'll be back at it next week."

He gently pulled me to lay back on the bed with him. His hands were toying with my hair again. Maybe he finds a kind of comfort doing that, I know I do. It's soothing.

"I know."

But next week it was too late and she was dead. Literally re-vamped by her very own grandchilde, how keen. Angel was gone for awhile, seriously gone. I had to fight Darla and let myself be hurt by her so he would come back to me. That was the day he killed her. Drusilla casually danced her way out of town as usual, not that I cared. My family was in shambles (and not any of us strayed during the whole ordeal) and the next day we would be going before the Court. Angel has to go every year to see if he's worthy of the humanity promised him. It's probably all wrong again...he never catches a break. Our kind never really does.

So before the Council we went, Angel reminded me of a vampire caught in...Holy lights? Whatever. I guess the only time that phrase ever worked in my favor was when I mocked Gunn for looking so frightened.

I told him he looked like an innocent black man being arrested by the Police.

I stood by Angel's side, my arm through his and the rest of Angel Investigations lining the perimeter of the dome-shaped white room. The Judges were draped in white robes as usual, faces cloaked by the (probably) Holy material -- I'd do a test but Spike isn't around and Angel's been burned here too much. The last time they nearly tore his heart out - metaphorically of course. They told him, "Evil is as you see it. In everything."

When he figured it out, he cried for hours. I remember the feeling of his Soul, like it was this heavy weight he couldn't seem to bear anymore.

"So you come before us once more," the middle Judge says.

There are three of them. This one holds nothing but contempt for Angel. He basically scowls and snaps at whatever Angel tries to say. The first guy brings up all the past wrongs and stuff, and the third tells him what's left.

I hate this Court with a passion.

"So", the first guy says to Angel, "Darla."

Angel flinched and I grasped his hand in mine.

"Your path was changed."

"I needed to help her," Angel growled.

The middle one pointed at him. "You did nothing to help her but allow her to die. It took our greatest warrior to threaten her own life for you to do what was, again, fated. You do us wrong."

The last time I snapped at these guys I was Faith-ing it for a week. Cordelia told me how hard Angel fought them. So today my mouth stays shut, comas aren't my thing anyway.

"I would have--"

"Had she not been here," middle boy starts, "Ours would be a losing battle that we aren't even intended to win."

"She was a threat."

"Taken care of, yes. Because of your carelessness, however..." The third one shakes his head glumly. "No humanity this Wheel."

"What does it take?!" Cordelia screamed. ""I mean how many years now? How many Apocalypses stopped? He's--"

I turned around, taking on Angel's lightning speed to rocket over to her in time to clamp my hand over her mouth. I ordered her to stay quiet. But she went limp in my hands. I knelt down with her sinking form and Doyle slid next to me to witness Cordelia's fall from grace.

The Circle's broken and suddenly we're back in the middle of Beverly Hills Drive. I can't even begin to process what's going to happen now...

Doyle took Cordelia from me, checking for a pulse. He did this at least twenty times. I...I couldn't think...I didn't understand. His eyes slowly began to water.

"Cordelia?"

I ran back for Angel. For once I'm glad my Mother and Sister didn't come along. I buried myself in his arms, not noticing Gunn run off, Wesley standing next to me in mortified silence, or Doyle screaming obscenities at the sky. The others held their significant others, some crying, some closing their eyes in order to let what just happened wash away. They wanted to forget. It is easier that way.

I'm just sorry that I can't cry. I'm so sorry Angel and I don't have enough tears left for her. I'm so sorry for it all.

"Honey, how'd it go?" My Mother rose to greet me at the door. Then she spotted Doyle entering with Cordelia in his arms. She's floored. "What...what happened?"

"Cordy?" Dawn ran up to Doyle, eyes wide. "Cordelia?"

"She's...taken a bit of a rest, Dawn," Doyle told her shakily.

Angel pulled me aside, serious. "I need you to find Gunn. I'm worried..."

"He'll be at Anne's. I'll go there. Take care of Dawn for me?"

"Of course. Thank you."

"You don't have to say that to me."

I knocked gently on the door of the quieted teen shelter hoping that I had been right. Gunn would be here. He always had a penchant for Anne, ever since we three met it's been a second family thing. You don't ask questions, you just take them in and give whatever you can.

Anne opened the door and immediately enveloped me in a hug.

"Is Gunn here?" I asked quietly.

"Living room. I...I can't talk to him right now. Seriously, Buffy--"

"I'm on it."

She pitched a weak smile. The poor thing never really knew how to talk to him. That was always my turf. I found him, head in his hands as he openly cried in the living room. I walked in quietly and sat next to him on the couch. He finally sat up a few minutes later and looked at me.

"She really gone?"

He already knew that answer. My heart went out to him. Cordelia was one of his joys, dating or not. There was Faith too but she's still in jail. I'm not ready to enter her into my perfect world yet anyway.

"Yeah. She is. There's no chance they vamped her...or...zombified her. She's at rest. Gunn...please, don't...don't shut yourself off from me. I understand--"

"What do you understand?" He lashed out, "You don't. She was the closest I got, Buffy!"

He stood furious at...I know it's me but...

"She was always out to protect me and save me. I ain't got much family left. Allanna, you, Faith -- Anne..."

"She wouldn't want you so angry," I kept my gaze to the floor.

"No," he said stiffly. "Don't mean I can't be."

"Okay," I jumped to my feet, my jacket sliding off in the process. "You're going to take this out on something. And that something is me. Hit me."

His eyes are stony black. Sometimes he reminds me of the purely evil part inside Angel, only humans are darker than they'll ever know. Their emotions can kill and that's what's dangerous. Gunn let's himself be led by his anger and that scares me more than he'll ever know.

"I...I can't..."

"You have to vent. We've trained before."

"I'd hurt you--"

"I've been stabbed by my own stake. I can take my licks."

His face almost seemed to calm it wasn't so scrunched and pained. It was a start. I've grieved before, I know what the pain is like and I know how hard it is to overcome. I never felt like I had someone then -- except Angel but he was the one I sent to Hell.

Gunn's shoulders slumped. He almost looked defeated. He fell back to the couch and I took my place next to him once again, covering his hand with mine. He gave it a gentle, reassuring squeeze. More for him than me, I know. I'm glad.

"Look. Someone will come to replace her. Not in your heart, you're never supposed to do that. You loved her, right?"

"Yeah, I did," he whispered. The grip on my hand tightened, but I can take it. He needs this.

"That's what matters. I'm worried about you, worried about what you'll do when I'm not here...you can get so angry...I don't want to lose you, too."

He instantly changed the subject. "Visions gone back to Doyle?"

"Probably. Angel may or may not kill me for this but...I want you to take off a couple of days. If you bury yourself in work it'll resurface all at once and it'll be so much worse. I'll always be here if you need me. Talk to Anne, it'll help. You could see Faith."

"A'ite."

"Gunn?"

He looked at me finally with swollen eyes. "Yeah?"

"I love you, you know that right?"

There came the smallest signs of a smile. "Yeah, Summers, I know." I circled my arms around him and he returned the hug. "You're somethin' girl, you're really somethin'..."

I patted his bald head and grinned. "I try."

I like being home. The Hotel's got this air of...I don't know, hmm. I'm busy swooning. I just want to see Angel, to tell him what happened. I hate the stairs they take so much longer to find him. I reached our room quickly though and push the door open.

"Honey--"

He's on the bed, head in his hands and crying.

"Oh god," I ran to him and knelt before him. I took his hands from his face only to hide them in mine. Our protecting hands...

"Love? What -- is it..."

"She's gone because of me," he choked.

"She was being there for you. We all were and damn the consequences -- it's for you, we're family."

"It doesn't mean you have to die for me. I don't deserve that."

I shook my head. "It's a choice, not yours, ours."

"I choose to separate myself from you."

"Angel, no," the fear that welled up in my heart the second he spoke those words... He had to have felt it he had to..."You can't leave us again."

"It's the only way--"

"To do what? Protect us? No. I don't want that. You're--"

He hauled me up and slammed me back against the wall. Things aren't going to be the same anymore.

"It's too dangerous now. You're too close."

"I want to be close," I leaned closer -- as close as he'd allow. "I want to be so close to you that I can't breathe. That I can't live because I'll die without you."

His expression doesn't change. "You'll die with me."

"Maybe not. It doesn't matter, so long as I *am* with you. That's all I've ever wanted."

I see him falter, then he ran a hand through my hair. "I'm so tired, Buffy..."

"Ssh," I cooed to him. "I...I know what you feel. I'm tired of everything. Tired of fighting, tired of crying, tired of hurting. I want...I want this day to be over. I don't want you to hurt. Can we make it over?" I shut my eyes, breathing in his scent. "Angel? Make love to me?"

"It's been awhile," he murmured against my cheek.

"A month at least..."

"I'm tired," he said again.

"Are..."

He silenced me with a kiss. Then he pulled away. I went to lock the door and dim the lights. He came up behind me, his arms sliding around my waist before he scooped me up and carried me to the bed. I make him happy and at least for now, his worries are at peace.

The six-year marker came. Six years from the day Cordelia died. Giles and Wesley followed two years later -- we weren't prepared for it. And months after that, my Mom died from a brain tumor that we thought was gone. The last thing she got to say to me was, "Bye Honey," the day before. I hate irony. So, all in all our losses have sucked. In the seven years I've now spent with Angel --

It's worth it. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I guess life's not that perfect after all. The major and last End of Days battle was last week, we got through that fairly easily, considering. No one on our side died, Wesley apparently had fallen in the first wave. But if he hadn't, our losses would have been so much worse. Giles never made it through week one.

Now we're back at the Court as we do every year, our depleted Circle begging for release but no one voicing it. I'm at Angel's side, beaten pretty badly but not complaining about my - oddly enough - slashed ribs.

They're ready to speak now. The middle Judge beckoned Angel closer, I moved with him.

"You have been very instrumental in the End of Days..."

"There is nothing left to cleanse," the first Judge continued.

The middle one seemed as if he were grinning at Angel. "I do believe your needs are finally met."

I was so shocked to hear such a jovial tone from such an awful creature. I wondered what demon had clobbered his head. Last year he granted Angel immunity to Light. I was so excited then, so happy...

Then again it was solely for the coming battles. It took some of the thrill out, but it gained Angel a tan. Plus side to everything. Sometimes he felt warm.

The first one spoke again, "You have made very little errors in these last three years."

"And it is atoned," the third one decreed. His words raced through my brain like wildfire. I couldn't get my hopes up for Angel. I would ruin it somehow. "You may now be human. You are all released. There is nothing left for you to fight."

That most certainly did not apply to Gunn, that man would be putting stakes in vampires long after I was buried six feet under. I smiled warmly to him before we were launched out of the realm and we laughed. It's over for us. Over.

I launched myself into Angel's arms, giggling like a fool. So were he and the others. It was a beautiful moment on Beverly Hills Drive. I don't care what people passing by may think. And I don't care if I'm not the Slayer anymore or if I could still beat up Gunn because it doesn't matter. Whether its perfect or not, I know that's not the point. Everything's just right.

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