Disclaimer...I don't own them, I don't want them, they make me cry
too much. Joss and his people do the owning thing.
Timeline. Just after the Angel,Buffy, Faith meeting in sanctuary.
Spoilers. Anything up to sanctuary I guess.
Summary. Just when Angel thinks things have hit rock bottom somebody
shows him how different life could have been
Authors notes. Remake of the film A wonderful life and no I don't
own that either.
Feedback.That would be so nice.
Dedication.. To Rosi and Sunnyshine who I love more then chocolate.
Chapter one.
I'll never forget, I'll never forget. I'll never........
"ANGEL. Look at me when I'm yelling at you."
Buffys' voice broke into Angels' daydream, he forced himself to look at the love of his life, but he could hardly stand to meet her eyes. She was so very angry and he knew that her beautiful hazel eyes were now so full of hate. Finally, her words started to register and they filled his head.
"I can not believe that I once thought I loved you, how could I have been so stupid, what a mistake." She had thrown her arms into the air with such temper.
"Buffy.... I...", Angel reached out for her but she pulled back.
"Don't you dare touch me," she glared at him
She was in so much pain, just seeing him holding Faith had just been too much for her, all she could think was to attack, hurt him back and the one thing that Buffy was really good at was attacking, she aimed straight for the heart and let rip...
"No, correction, my biggest mistake was you full stop. You filled my life with nothing but darkness and pain, I should have killed you a long time ago, I wish I had never laid eyes on you". Buffy stopped, took a deep breath and then delivered the final strike....
"In fact, I wish you had never been born!"
Buffy turned and marched away.
He watched her leave and died all over again. Pain, grief and losing his soulmate, hit him so hard he almost fell, he actually felt his soul cry out at the loss and then he felt agony like he had never known before.
Angel looked around his office, Wesley and Cordelia were both out and that on it's own was a relief. He knew that he couldn't face their questions tonight, maybe not ever. He sank down into his chair, rubbed his tired eyes and let the pain wash over his body again. It came in large waves, each hate filled word drowning him with their pounding, never-ending, flow.
BIGGEST MISTAKE, PAIN and DARKNESS, NEVER BEEN BORN.
Angel tried so hard to remember Buffys face, smiling up at him as she had long ago in their once perfect day, but now all he could see were eyes filled with hate, he shivered.
Oh god. What if that was the only picture of Buffy his mind would allow him to see from now on.
He poured himself a large drink and allowed himself to sink deeper into his pain. Tears streamed down his face as he realised the truth in Buffys statement, he could now see all the pain and darkness he had indeed brought in to her life. Finally, he smashed his glass against the wall with a cry of desperation, glass fragments cut into his hand and he watched his blood drip slowly.
Buffy should have let him end it all that Christmas, when he believed the world wanted him gone. Her strong love had brought him back that time. The fact that she needed and loved him was mostly what had saved him and had made his soul stronger, but that was now all gone. Buffy truly hated him and no matter how many souls he saved they would never be together again.
The drink started to work it's magic, but the pain wouldn't stop. Leaving her the first time had been hard enough, but at least then he knew she loved him and that knowledge had made each day a little easier. Now, everything had changed, there was only anger and bitterness left and Angel couldn't face that thought a moment longer.
He found himself standing on the pier.... in the very same spot he had kissed Buffy in the sunshine, that one day he had truly been alive. Even if that day had been totally erased Angel knew in his heart that it was real, although now the whole world couldn't remember
Now, with dawn only an hour away, Angel longed to see the sunshine again He would think of that day and the pain would stop.
Angel waited, but the pain didn't stop, no happy thoughts filled his head only angry, bitter, words and so many sad faces.
"You were so right, beloved" he said sadly. "I wish I had never been born too"
"You should be very careful what you wish for young Liam", a voice said softly..
Part 2....
Angel turned around and came face to face with a small, white haired, old man.
Looking carefully, he could tell that the man wasn't a demon, he could also tell he wasn't quite human.
"Wishing can be very dangerous my boy, your friend Cordelia could tell you a thing or two about that. Well, she could have done if she had been allowed to remember." The man smiled.
Angel shook his head, where had this stranger come from and what did he know about anything.
"You're wondering how I know what you wished for? Oh Liam, or is it Angel these days?. Doesn't matter, different name same soul. You see I know everything about you, I have been watching you for a very long time now ". Again the man smiled.
"Are you from TPTB?" Angel asked.
The little man laughed. "No, not quite, you see I'm your Guardian Angel so to speak, but you can call me Clarence."
Angel turned to walk away.
"Sorry but you have got it all wrong, I'm a vampire I don't count " he said sadly
"Angel, you have a soul and a good soul at that, so I'm here to stop you getting that sun-tanned look you so long for". Clarence started smiling again.
This time Angel almost laughed himself, this was one sick joke.
"After all these years why now?" Angel wanted to know.
"Well, you never really needed me before. You see, at the worst moments in your souls' life, you first had Whistler and then Buffy Summers to help and guide you", Clarence told him.
"Buffy"
Angel closed his eyes. But, as the soft sound of her name escaped his lips, the heartbreaking agony of their last meeting returned to his thoughts.
"You think not being born would change things so much for the better?" Clarence waited
"Yes!" Angel spat back bitterly.
The little man just shook his head.
"So be it." Clarence waved his arms and took a step back, falling straight off the end of the pier and in to the sea below.
Angel ran over to the rail and looked down.
"Help, help I can't swim" Clarence shouted going under the waves again.
Reflex took over and Angel did what he knew best, he jumped in to save the drowning man...
Angel dragged Clarence up onto the sand
"What the hell was all that about?" he demanded.
"We try not to talk about the *H* word where I come from," Clarence whispered. "I guess I'll never get used to earth's gravity, but thanks for saving me." Clarence suddenly appeared completely dry
"What did you mean by *so be it*?" Angel asked wringing the water out of his coat, only to find that he was also completely dry.
"I'm granting you your wish, giving you the chance to see what life would have been like if you, Liam, had never been born. If this world would have, indeed, been a better place." Clarence waited for his words to sink in.
Angel looked down at his cut hand - it had completely healed. "I know I heal fast but...." he stopped
"It's already begun. From the moment you jumped into the sea, time has changed, your hand was never cut and your clothes would never hold water. You are no longer part of earth's history, you were never born...
"STOP. This is all nonsense, I don't believe a word of it. Now I know I'm having a really bad night, just leave me alone." Shoulders slumped, Angel slowly walked off along the beach.
That was it, no more drinking for him, it always went straight to his head.
"All right Angel, but for a vampire who lives among demons, whose lover was a slayer and who spent time in the*H* place, you really do have little imagination." Clarence laughed as he watched the vampire walk away.
"I'll see you later," Clarence called after him
"Not if I see you first." Angel carried on walking.
* * * * * * * * *
When Angel tried to enter his building it was locked. He felt so tired and he longed for a shower but, after checking his pockets, he found he had no keys.
He needed sleep, maybe if he could just sleep he would find out that this whole bad deal with Buffy had been nothing more then a nightmare. After all, he'd had his fair share of those these last few months. He tried the door again, but he still couldn't enter. He looked up, it was his building and yet there was something different. Angel tried one last time but still he was refused, he growled with temper.
" You will not be able to get in "
Angel closed his eyes
"Not you again," he sighed "of course I can go in, I own the building." Angel slowly turned around
"No, TBB Insurance own the building, look read the sign"
Angel looked up and, sure enough, the sign said - TBB Insurance.
"That wasn't there this morning." He ran his hand over his dark spiky hair
"Actually, that has been there for two years. It's up for sale, has been for a while, but you could have never have bought the building Angel. You were never born, remember?
"This is getting old fast" The vampire glared at him
"Look Angel, just give in to it. I'll show you your new world and then I get to leave; I'm going to be earning my wings this job, so be a good boy and start believing" Clarence finished and waited expectantly.
"Do I really have a choice?" Angels' voice sounded defeated
"It was your wish Angel so no, no choice just close your eyes"
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME ?" Angel looked amazed now. "I've done that twice already and boy did I get screwed over and, yes, both times I found hell!!"
"Shhh, remember the *H* word. Just think of it as being third time lucky" laughed the little man.
"I'm gonna regret this, I just know it " Angel grumbled and closed his eyes....
Chapter 3
Angel and Clarence found themselves in the library of Sunnydale high school......
"And left and now right, swing and then arrrrrrrr"" Giles cried out
His body moved across the room landing in a twisted heap with a very loud sickening thud.
"Oh sir, are you alright? I am most dreadfully sorry" the beautiful dark skinned girl crossed the room in three long strides.
Giles first fought to regain his composure then tried to restart his breathing.
"No, no that's perfectly all right" he breathed deeply and attempted to stand up
The girl extended her arm and Giles took her hand, in one swift movement he was back on his feet.
"Oh, I am so very sorry sir, sometimes I almost forget my own strength" the girl looked down at her feet.
"Kendra my dear,dear girl it really is quite all right, please think no more of it" Giles brushed his jacket down, straightened his glasses and finally turned away from her, only then did he allow the pain on his face to show.
Angel watched with great interest
"I don't get it, Kendra died" he whispered.
"There's no need to whisper Angel, nobody can hear or see us" replied Clarence
"Ok, fine - but getting back to Kendra " Angel brought up the subject again
"Angel, you have to understand that this is a different world now, a world where Kendra hasn't died. You never met Drucilla, so in turn Drucilla could never have killed Kendra, am I making myself clear?" Clarence looked expectantly at Angel, he now realised that this job was going to be a lot tougher than he first thought.
"Look Angel please pay attention, if you don't learn anything out of this wish I will never earn my wings."
"Allright, I'm not stupid I'll play your little *lets pretend* game," Angel snapped, then added "But where's Buffy?"
He looked around the library but there was no sign of the other slayer.
Clarence shook his head slowly "But that would give the plot away too soon, one story at a time besides I'm saving the best until last; lets just say that Buffy Anne Summers is not the slayer here, it's Kendra. And a mighty fine slayer she is too; Giles can hardly believe how lucky he is with this girl. In this world, Kendra will live for another seven years, that's a long life time for a slayer, but as I keep telling you Angel just watch and learn".
They both turned to listen to Giles:
"There has been a large increase in vampire activity these last few weeks, so training will have to be stepped up, every afternoon after school agreed?" asked Giles.
"That is my duty sir. I am here to serve you, as my watcher, I will do as you say Mr. Giles," Kendra replied
Giles smiled at her sense of duty, it was so refreshing after the last few slayers he had known.
"Rupert?" a soft female voice called.
Giles turned around.
"Jenny," he smiled and his whole face came alive.
"Will you be late tonight? I'll hold dinner for you, just try and get home in time to kiss the baby goodnight" Jenny smiled and kissed her husbands cheek
Giles just stood there smiling.
"Oh, by the way my uncle sent a Email, he wants to come and visit next week," Jenny smiled again
"Oh! right, a visit. That's good, and yes I will be home shortly I just have to do a little research" Giles replied.
"I too will be leaving now sir, I will do a sweep of the cemetery on my way home and then complete my studies. Oh, I will return tomorrow for weapon training as instructed" Kendra picked up her stake and threw her bag over her shoulder as she walked out of the door.
Jenny turned to leave as well
"Two hours at the most, I promise" Giles smiled again
"I know, I know and I believe you" Jenny laughed and followed Kendra out of the door
Giles watched his love leave. He then sat down at his desk, opened a very old book, and started to read.
"So, Giles and Jenny are married with a baby," Angel asked quietly. His dead heart filled with both sorrow and joy at the sight of the watcher and the gypsy
"As you never killed the first gypsy girl there was no curse. Jenny was never sent to watch you, but it seems she found her way here anyway and they fell in love, it was their destiny " said Clarence.
"Well, that's one couple that would definitely benefit from my never being born." Angel felt strangely comforted.
" Yes, Angel, in this case, I'm afraid that's true. Giles will never know that kind of love again, your life did change their future, but there is still so much more you need to see, and believe me, some of it is not good. But come on, let's see who's next "
Clarence moved away as the library turned to a black darkness, Angel just followed.
"So, where to next?" His shoulders slumped and he hung his head slightly.
Nothing he had seen so far had convinced him that his life would have made a difference for the better in fact after this visit the opposite was more realistic.
Part 4
The mist cleared again and they stepped forward....
"Here we are, do you not recognise it yet Angel?" asked Clarence
Angel looked around, the streets were dirty and streaming with people. Smog hung in the air and horse drawn carriages clattered down badly laid roads. He realised they had gone back into his past back about 150 years.
A London slum, a place Angel knew only too well, it had once been one of his favourite feeding grounds nobody ever missed the poor lost souls that wandered these streets.
"So which one of my many victims are we visiting this time? Are you going to find me one that enjoyed having their neck ripped out?" he asked sarcastically
"Did I say victim? Just watch Angel..
Spike sat with his back up against the damp prison wall, his knees pulled up into his chest he had his eyes closed but a small smile played around his lips.
"Looks like your old buddy Spike didn't do too well " Clarence was the first to speak
Angel looked down at the dirty ragged figure of the once proud vampire; there was something different about this Spike.
"His hair it's... " Angel started
"He hasn't discovered peroxide yet " Clarence laughed
Angel nodded his head, "I'd almost forgotten his hair was once that colour." Angel almost smiled for the second time that day, he watched Spike for a few moments
"William the Bloody. So this is how he ends his days, in filth and squalor"
"Oh no there's more" replied Clarence.
The setting suddenly changed
A large angry mob gathered around the scaffolding where a single noose swung. A few burning torches lit up the dark evening sky, everything was set for a hanging.
Spike was roughly shoved out of the back of a cart; he looked around at the jeering mob while being marched up the scaffolding steps. His hands already tied behind his back, his head then violently pushed down and the noose quickly slipped over his head.
"Final words?" mumbled the executioner not really caring
"Oh bloody hell. Just do it " Spike laughed
The floor beneath him opened and the rope dropped sharply, Spikes' body fell, twisting and jerking, for a few moments and then just swung in the evening's breeze.
The angry mob now exploded into happy cheering.
Clarence sighed. "He was always going to be a bad lot, that one."
"Poor old Spike to end his days like that just hanging on the end of a rope." Angel paused for a second and then, as an after thought, said "He was still such a loser." He turned his back and started to walk away.
"Hold your horses, we still haven't quite finished with William the Bloody." Clarence smiled and Angel turned back.
They watched as the rope was cut and Spikes' lifeless body fell to the ground; he was thrown into a roughly made wooden box, put back on the cart and finally carried away.
The picture then quickly changed it was much later that night. The hooded figure of a female, dressed in dark clothing and carrying a bunch of wild flowers, moved over to the grave. She placed the flowers on the ground, scraped at the earth and, when she finally reached the wooden box, tore off the lid with ease.
Spike sat up grinning, his fangs shining and his golden eyes glowing.
"He's a vampire?" Angel asked in amazement
"Just watch" he was told back.
The woman brushed the dirt off her hands and slowly reached up and removed her hood, but she still had her back to Angel.
Spike rubbed his neck " I really hate it when they hang me," he laughed
"Just be grateful we were not caught in France" she chuckled and made a guillotine movement with her hand.
" Bleeding right, Paris is out," he joined her laughter
Angel moved closer there was something about this woman, then it came to him and the shock made his mouth form a silent OMG.
"William, I'm in the mood for a really good killing, lets feed" she purred and held out her hand.
"Darla my pet, that was just what I was thinking" he jumped out of the box and took her hand. "I'm also thinking we better get out of London for a while, I'm hearing America's nice at this time of year," he smiled at her.
Darla laughed and laughed.
Clarence looked back at Angel he noticed the boy actually looked shocked.
"We all have a destiny Angel, Spike was always destined to be a vampire with or with out you"
Angel took this information in for a while
"So my being born wouldn't have mattered one way or another in this case?" he asked sadly
"No, not to Spike maybe, but......"
Angel stopped him "I know, just watch. God, am I beginning to hate that word"
Clarence studied the vampire closely
"But are you learning anything? That's the question," the little man asked
"Oh yes I'm learning all right. I'm learning just how right I was in the first place " Angel replied
"OK let me show you something that might just start to change your mind."
Clarence looked very serious for a moment and Angel knew something bad was just round the next corner.
Chapter Five.
So, where are we this time?" Angel looked around; it was a different time and a different place.
"Back to LA, not a very nice part by the looks of it, we are going to see a very good friend of yours, this way." His guardian Angel ushered him forward.
Cordelia sat crying on her bed, the room was a dreadful mess.
Angel noticed the change in Cordelia Chase immediately. The once beautiful girl was now painfully thin and she had dark rings under her red, puffy eyes. He ran straight to her side.
" Remember Angel they can't hear or see us" Clarence reminded him.
"I don't understand, how could this have happened? " Angels' face filled with pain at the sight of his friends' plight...he reached out a hand to touch her, but stopped.
"After her parents lost all their money Cordelia had to get away from Sunnydale. She headed to LA with nothing more than high hopes and the dream of becoming an a rich, famous actress. Poor Cordelia, as you well remember, she has no talent for acting what so ever" Clarence smiled sadly this time.
"Its funny, but that little ladys' only real talent lay in helping a broody vampire save lost souls. So, with you not being born, Cordelia Chase is no longer a fighter for TPTB, she sadly becomes one of the so called lost. Until now she has been trying to get a big break but, lately, she is just going from one rejection to the next. She has no money, no food and is fast running out of hope" Clarence finished.
"No this can't be, there has to be more to Cordelias' life than this. She's a warm caring person " Angel demanded.
" Oh yes there's more, but believe me Angel you're not going to like it"...
A loud knock brought Cordelia back to her senses; she slowly crossed the room and stood by the door.
"Who is it?" she called out
The only reply was a short "It's me "
Cordelia opened the door a tall thin woman entered the room her face covered in badly applied make up and dressed in clothes even the most hardened street walker would have avoided.
"Well, did you get the job Cordy? " she asked
Cordelia shook her head
"They wanted somebody," her shoulders sagged, "No, they didn't want me." she finally gave up all hope.
"The rent is way past due, you don't have it do you?" the girl asked.
Cordelia just looked at her feet; then shook her head again.
"He means it this time, you'll be out on the streets for sure. Look, I'm off to meet a *friend* and my *friend*, well he has a *friend*, if you know what I mean? It's easy money, if you don't look at them for too long." the girl smiled
"Ewwwww. I can't, I just have to believe that something will come up sooner rather than later" she took a step back.
"Ok, have it your own way, but Cordy take my cell phone number if you change your mind ring me " Cordelias' friend walked back out of the door.
Later that night.
Cordelia sat down on her bed, she looked around her room and studied the dreadful mess , as if seeing it all for the first time. She was so hungry, yet she knew there was no food in the fridge. She picked up the small card her friend had given her and looked at it.
"NO CORDELIA" Angel shouted.
"You can't save her Angel, not this time. You were never here to give her a job, give her friendship and give real meaning to her life. Cordelia Chase is a strong, confident woman today because of you, without you - well this would be her life" Clarence finished.
Angel watched as Cordelia picked up the phone and rang the first number. He had to turn away from his friend; her decline was too painful to watch.
"Let's get out of here, I can't stand this anymore" he growled.
This time Angel was the first to walk away and Clarence just followed.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Angel, stop! Our next story is right here," they stood and waited for the mist to clear.
"Oh Great! A graveyard, another happy ending?" Angel asked sarcastically and walked off.
He became very quiet. After a while, he began reading the head stones but the names meant nothing to him. When you have killed as many people as Angels' demon, it all started to blur after a while. Only their faces remained in his mind, he could never forget the faces or the screams.
"So where are we now, Ireland?" he was still looking around him, he really didn't recognise this place.
No, we are back in England " Clarence confirmed
Angel looked up but there was no sign of the little man, he was now totally alone.
3This whole night had been so strange yet, standing in this churchyard, Angel was overcome with a strong sense of peace. He strolled around, stopping every so often to read a name or a date, then finally a headstone caught his eyes. Angel fell to his knees and pulled at the long grass hiding the full details he need to see. He leaned forward and gently traced the name with his fingers.
Drucilla Smith
Beloved wife.mother.grandmother.
A kind soul loved by all.
Died age 102.
Asleep with the Angels.
Sweet, kind, gentle Dru. Of course, he had never met her or made her a vampire or even made her insane. Drucilla had lived a long happy life surrounded by her family. Angel smiled softly, but it was a sad smile full with regret, he rested his head against the cold stone as memories of Drucilla slipped through his mind. After what seemed like an eternity a voice broke through.
"Are you ready to leave?" Clarence asked.
Angel looked up, tears ran down his face but he made no attempt to move.
"Don't you realise what you're doing to me? The more I see, the more I know how evil I am. I might have saved Cordelia but I damned the rest." Angel felt so tired, suddenly the years were catching up with him, all 245 of them.
"You have to see it all Angel, only then will you understand"
"Are you sure you're my guardian angel Clarence? Because, somehow, this all feels a little too much like the other guys' work" Angel pointed down.
Clarence held up his hand to stop him.
"I'd rather you didn't talk about him, he gives me the jitters, something bad" Clarence walked off.
Angel stood up, took one last look at Drucillas' grave, and slowly followed the little man.
Part 6...
Clarence waited for the mist to clear...
"Clarence, I hate to tell you this but we haven't moved anywhere" Angel looked once more towards the neat row of graves.
Clarence smiled. "Angel, we have moved forward many years and a few thousand miles. Look again, this is no longer England this is"...
"Sunnydale" Angel finished for him.
"Sunnydale about two years before you left" Clarence confirmed.
"And what little surprise do you have in store for me this time?" Angel was getting worried, this was really getting too close to home. He just wanted to get away, go back to his nice safe office and sleep for about a week. Sunnydale cemetery held too many painful memories for him, memories of Buffy once again flooded his thoughts.
* All I see is you, all I want is you* her sweet voice whispered in his ear, he fought the smile that had almost started. So many stolen kisses, so many...
*I wish you had never been born* Buffys' now angry voice ended Angels' daydream with a painful slap.
Angel turned his attention back to Clarence and the real reason they were there. He had a feeling that whatever Clarence showed him next, it was going to hurt him a lot.
"I thought I'd show you three stories all at the same time. But, a warning Angel, there are no happy endings this time"
Angel found the first gravestone quickly, this time it stopped him dead in his tracks.
ALEXANDER HARRIS. *Xander*
A vision of a cheeky, lop sided, grin flashed in front of Angels' eyes and a memory of the boy pushing a large cross towards him that night in his apartment; he was so desperate to help Buffy when she had gone off to face the master. Buffys' brave white knight, the two of them had never been friends, far from it. Xander had never hidden his hatred for the vampire who had won Buffys' heart, but seeing Xander's grave hurt Angel deeply. He turned his head away as the grief slowly filled his soul, but a sight - a few graves along - would cause him an even greater sadness.
WILLOW.
"The boy named Oz is also close by" Clarence confirmed quietly.
"No, no, no." Angel seemed to be in shock for a moment. "This time I know you have got it wrong, my not being born could never lead to this." He started to feel real anger inside, this really wasn't right, this time it couldn't possibly be his fault.
"Xander was killed by a giant praying mantis pretending to be a teacher. When Oz transformed into a werewolf the very first time, he was shot and killed by a werewolf hunter called Cain. And then there's Willow. Poor Willow, she would have made such a fine witch, she had powers she hadn't yet discovered, the possibilities were endless.
That restoration spell she performed, not only did she restore your soul, she left out the happiness clause at the same time. Pity she didn't even realise it, but that makes no difference now. This Willow was to die long before her powers kicked in, a demon trapped in her computer and........" Clarence trailed off when he saw how upset the vampire had become.
"No, no, no, no, no. Buffy saved them" Angel started to rant, he knew that in each case the slayer had saved them.
"Kendra just wasn't quick enough, she never made friends when she came to Sunnydale. There was no Scooby gang, so each time one of them...... "
Clarence moved his hand towards the headstones of Xander, Willow and Oz
"were in danger, the Slayer couldn't help them" Clarence finished,
"Then why the hell didn't Buffy help, she's the Slayer as well?" Angel shouted
The memory of Willows' shy smile filled his head again, Oz playing his guitar and Xander just laughing and calling him *dead boy*
The grief grew stronger and threatened to completely consume him
"Where the hell was Buffy while all this was going on?" Angel was beyond angry now, he'd had enough of this bullshit. He wanted answers.
"Angel the *h* word, mind the......." Clarence stopped, seeing the dangerous look in the vampires' eye.
"All right Angel, this will be our last story. It will make everything much clearer, I have saved the most important part until last...
Part 7...
Angel walked out of the mist one last time. He noticed they were still in Sunnydale, about five minutes from the Bronze, it was early evening.
He looked around, trying to work out what year it was, when he felt it.....a tingle that set fire to every nerve in his body...... the feeling that always told him Buffy Summers was near. Scanning the area for a few seconds, he finally saw her.
A sixteen year old version of Buffy, his Buffy. Relief flooded his dead heart, she was here , she was safe and she looked well
Buffy quickly walked along the street, an air of confidence surrounded her.
Angel just smiled, he couldn't help himself as a warm feeling spread all over his cold body, she was like sunshine on a cold day, he took a step nearer.
The beautiful girl who he loved with his whole being just walked straight passed him with out a second glance.
Angel stood and watched this version of Buffy. She still had that wonderful innocence about her, the innocence that had pulled so deeply at his soul and brought forward such a strong a desire to protect her, even with his own life.
Without warning, every feeling Angel had ever felt for this small girl poured into his mind at the same time. He closed his eyes and just surrendered to the love that filled his heart almost to bursting point.
Then just as quickly he was brought back to reality, he remembered that in a few short years this beautiful creature would almost destroy him with a few curt words and hate filled eyes.
He tried to clear those thoughts from his mind. That was then, this is now. Now he was just content to relive a few golden moments from happier times.
Buffy headed towards the Bronze, it was her first visit there and Angel remembered that any moment now they would meet for the very first time, in an Alley just around the next corner she would knock him on his ass and......He smiled again
He watched and waited as even more memories crept up on him. Running his tongue over his dry lips he stared at the way her hips moved.
Angel knew then, that despite what Buffy had told him earlier that evening, he would love, want, need and miss this girl until the day he turned to dust. He also realised if ever there was a reason for his birth, and subsequent suffering, it was to allow him to love Buffy Anne Summers until the end of all time.
Clarence went to speak but Angel held up his hand to stop him, he wanted to see her she knock him down again.
But of cause Buffy walked straight passed the alley.
Angel looked back at Clarence.
"She never got to meet her Angel in that alley and she never received your cross - such a small gift" Clarence stopped.
Once more the darkness came down, Angel felt disappointment at losing sight of his love, but within a second the darkness was lifted and the place had changed once again.
Buffy was fighting for her life, they were now standing inside a large crypt Angel recognised the ugly looking vampire that had Buffy pinned down as the masters right hand man Luke. He picked up the small slayer and sent her crashing into an open coffin then moving closer to the terrified girl he lowered his fangs.
Angel watched frozen with fear as the vampire tore out the slayers' throat
"Well done, the Master will be so pleased" Darla stepped out of the shadows followed by Spike.
"Bloody slayers, getting easier to kill all the time" Spike laughed.
"No!! you bastard" Angel cried.
He watched as Buffy's lifeless body fell at the vampires' feet. Something deep inside him snapped, kneeling beside her he softly stroked her hair.
As Clarence watched quietly, Angels' shoulders start to shake, silent sobs took over his whole body. Angels' worst nightmare had come true.
"It was the cross you gave her" Clarence spoke very quietly. "It saved her in the first time line, it gave her just enough time to get away. What you have to see is that...No Liam, no Angel, no cross added together equals one very dead vampire slayer. Without you, it was only a matter of time before some big evil took her out of the picture .
At that very moment in her life she had nobody to guard her back, how many times did you stop her life ending Angel? You were the one person she trusted above all others, even after your demon tormented her she still trusted you with her very life.This Buffy didn't live long enough to form the Scooby gang, she couldn't save herself so how could she save them? In the end it all comes back to you" Clarence waited.
Angel pulled himself away from his dead lover, no - correction, *This Girl* would never be his lover. This Buffy was lost to him forever.
Finally finding the strength to stand, he faced Clarence
"I need to leave here NOW," Angel said simply.
He knew that if he stayed a moment longer the pain would cause him to lose his mind...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*.
Angel watched as the darkness swallowed up all traces of this last story, leaving him and Clarence standing in the mist. Now, looking around, he realised he was nowhere. No place, no time just an endless nothing surrounded him.
Is this the place your soul waits before its born? Angel wondered
He waited for Clarence to speak, he didn't have to wait long.
"Well Angel, that's the tour finished. Obviously, there were many more things I could have shown you, so many other lives you have touched, the ones the demon killed and the others your soul saved but I think I have shown you the most important changes, the choice is now with you.
Do I grant your wish? Spike, Drucilla, Darla, Jenny, Giles and Kendra will all live happily ever after but at the expense of Cordelia, Oz, Willow, Xander and"...
"Buffy".... Angel whispered. A pain tore deep inside his chest at the vision of Buffy lying dead at Lukes' feet.
"Yes Buffy" Clarence confirmed
"I'd die for Buffy without a second thought" Angel spoke truthfully
"But that's not the question Angel. The question is - are you willing to live for her? Or do you still wish you had never been born?"Clarence asked.
Angel thought back to the sights he had been shown this last night. Of Giles, Jenny and their baby, the beautiful Kendra, the murderous Spike and Darla and, finally, he thought of Drucilla surrounded by her happy family and living to a ripe old age.
"I'm so sorry" he whispered almost to himself, but he had already made up his mind, he could never let Buffy die no matter what the cost. If she hated him, or even if they never saw each other again, it wouldn't matter to his decision. Angel had to know that Buffy was alive and well, somewhere in his world
"Forget the wish" he said softly.
He hoped with all his heart that Giles, Jenny, Kendra and even Dru would understand and hopefully forgive him his choice; he knew none of them would ever have any memory of this different timeline but still, Angels' soul cried out for their loss.
Once again, Angel would have to carry the burden of this alone
"So be it" Clarence waved his arms...
Part 8.
Angel found himself back on the pier with about fifteen minutes to dawn, he looked across the sky and knew he had to get home fast. He then noticed that his hand had started to bleed again, he softly touched the blood in wonder and for a brief moment he found he couldn't move .
So much had just happened Angel started to question if any of it had been real.
"If you're still thinking about a sun tan Angel think again "
Angel's mouth dropped open and he span around.
"Oh God! I thought you were gone " Angel looked shaken he realised then that it had indeed all been real.
"Oh, I'm going I'm going. I have a wing fitting appointment, I hope. But, before I leave you for good, one last thing.....You have seen the difference your life has made to their past, just remember it works for the future as well. Think about how much their lives could change if you're not there tomorrow, or the next day" Clarence looked at Angel to make sure that he understood the question.
Angel nodded.
"Right. Now, let's see about my wings, are you going to wish me good luck?"Clarence laughed.
Angel smiled but when he looked again the little man had gone.
"Good luck " Angel whispered.
He ran all the way back to his office, finally reaching the door of his building as the first rays of sunlight hit the streets. He pulled his keys from his coat pocket and tried the door, to his surprise it was already open, he had just enough time to notice that the TBB insurance sign had gone as he bolted inside.
"Angel, don't you think you're cutting things a little bit fine?" Cordelia greeted him from her desk. He just smiled back, he was so pleased to see his friend looking so well.
"You're in a good mood today, get out of the right side of the coffin for a change?" her voice was light hearted and she made her way towards him.
"Just pleased to see you I guess," he smiled again, then reached out and moved a loose strand of hair from her face.
Cordelia's eyes searched his as a small frown formed on her face.
"You're not evil again are you?" she questioned him. she was worried broody boy was smiling WAY too much.
This time Angel actually laughed.
"No Cordelia, I'm not evil again, but I do need a long shower and a change of clothes. When Wesley gets here ask him to check on what happened with Faith, she bolted out of here so fast " Angel asked.
"Wesley already called, he found her and has been watching her all night, she's sleeping" Cordelia confirmed.
"Good, thats very good. Now for a shower" Angel turned.
"Angel. as you're in such a good mood can we talk about my raise?" Cordelia smiled brightly.
Angel just laughed and nodded as he entered the elevator, it slowly started to descend
Cordelia looked at him
"Oh I almost forgot you have a .... Oops, too late, my bad" She finished as Angel went out of view.
Angel opened the elevator door, he felt so tired as if he hadn't slept in weeks, he pulled off his heavy coat and dropped it over the back of a chair. Slowly walking across the room, he started on his shirt undoing the buttons and then dropping it to the floor, he turned towards his bedroom and froze.
Curled up in a tiny ball fast asleep on his bed was the most welcome sight he would ever see. He softly crossed the room trying not to wake her and crouched down by her head, taking time just to drink in the sight of her.
Angel so wanted to watch her sleep but the urge to touch her became too great. He ran his finger lightly over her cheekbone and after a few seconds he watched her eyelids flicker, then gently open.
Confusion filled his head at the sight of her red swollen eyes and he knew that she had been crying.
"Buffy" he spoke her name as softly as a prayer, still hardly daring to believe she was really there. "I didn't expect to ever see you again" he whispered so softly she hardly heard him.
"I couldn't go without.....I got to the bus station and I couldn't get on the bus, I had to come back and say.....Oh Angel I'm so, so, sorry " she threw her arms around his neck and he felt her whole body shake as she sobbed in to his chest.
"Shhhh" he whispered holding her tight.
"All those things I said to you, they kept rewinding in my head over and over, I got this sudden fear that I would never see you again, I just had to tell you..... let you know I didn't mean any of the things I said . I love you Angel and I will for the rest of my life" she kissed his neck softly
Angel closed his eyes, he couldn't deny that her words had hurt him, hurt him deeply, but with her here in his arms, holding him, telling him that she still loved him he was just grateful that they had this chance, a chance just to say sorry.
After watching Buffy die tonight he would, at this moment in time, forgive her anything.
"I'm here Buffy for as long as you need me, I'll be here to watch your back"
He took her face and gently held it in his hands.
"I don't know what I'd do if I ever really lost you" Buffy said looking deeply into his eyes, straight through to his soul, to make sure that he really forgave her stupidity.
"I thank the gods every day that you were born and found your way in to my life" she continued truthfully
Angel shivered as he remembered what he had almost done. He knew nothing had changed, there was still so little he could offer her. He was still a vampire, who could possibly live forever, and he still couldn't take her into the light. But suddenly those problems didn't seem so bad, especially after what Angel had just witnessed. Then he remembered something Clarence had told him about Willow, he had been so upset at the time it hadn't registered, a small spark of hope started to glow in Angels' soul then he smiled softly back at Buffy
"You're forgiven" he said as he lightly kissed her mouth.
Buffy sighed with relief. "I think we need a very long talk" she told him
"First I need a long shower" he went to stand up but stopped, seeing a small white card on the floor he leaned down and picked it up. It was one of those business cards Cordelia had printed, the one with the little angel that nobody could recognise.
Angel held the card in his fingers, there was something slightly different about this card now. He struggled for a moment and then it hit him, the little printed angel now had a cheeky grin on its face and looked remarkably like Clarence, Angel smiled he knew that face hadn't been on the card before.
"Looks like you got your wings after all Clarence" Angel said very quietly.
Buffy looked up.
"I've got something to tell you about my curse" he said so quietly that Buffy at first didn't think she heard him right.
She waited for what seemed like an eternity then finally lost patience.
"Angel what about your curse?" she finally demanded.
Angel looked back at the small card lying between his fingers.
"It looks like I swapped it for a pair of wings " he smiled softly.
Buffy looked completely confused.
Angel smiled again then raised his eyebrows
"It's a long story" he laughed.
"I like long stories" Buffy waited.
Send feedback to Kim
Back to the Fanfiction Archive