Year: 2010
Oz hurried to help Giles and Xander support Angel's unconscious body. "What happened?" He asked.
Giles answered reluctantly, "He knows Buffy's dead now. He wants to kill himself."
"He did that to himself?" Oz asked, nodding toward Angel's slumped form.
Willow, trailing behind the others blushed.
"Nope," Xander answered. "Angel decided to watch the sunrise, Will changed his mind with a shovel," the grim tone of his voice didn't match his less than serious comments.
It's not over," Willow said tiredly. "What are we going to do when he wakes up?"
_______________________________________
Year: 2010
Xander shook Willow's shoulder lightly, "Go upstairs, get some sleep, I'll watch him."
Willow smiled sadly up at him, there were dark hollows under her eyes. "Thanks," she mouthed.
After Willow left, Xander took her seat; grudgingly turning his attention to the basement's other occupant.
There had been an obvious and ready solution to their problem with Angel, and as distasteful as if was they had used it.
There were already restraints in Willow and Oz's basement for Oz's werewolfism. It had only taken a few minutes to sun proof the room for Angel.
Willow had called it, "Just a safety measure, until we can talk some sense into him." That had been four weeks ago.
Angel lay crumpled on the floor in the corner. A thin stream of blood trickled from the broken scabs on his wrist. Willow had wrapped a heavy layer of duct tape around the manacles, but Angel's struggles against the restraints were still violent enough to break his skin, if not the chains that bound him.
The chains prevented Angel from bringing matters to a fiery end, but they weren't conducive to calm rational discussion. And they didn't prevent Angel from taking a slower, uglier path to suicide.
When Angel had originally announced his intentions, Giles and Xander had dismissed them without concern. Soul or no-soul Angel was a vampire, the two watchers were certain he wouldn't be able to control the hunger well enough to actually starve himself to death. Who ever heard of an anorexic vampire?
Now Xander couldn't be quite as flip. Angel had violently rejected any blood offered to him. Xander was certain the hunger was tearing Angel apart, he hadn't been able to return to his human features in over a week. Even through the distortion of Angel's vamped out state, Xander could see evidence of sever weight loss in the vampire.
Angel woke shortly before nightfall. Gingerly he pulled himself into a sitting position.
"You know Buffy would be furious if she knew what you're trying," Xander said.
Angel snarled at Xander.
Frustrated Xander yelled, "Can't you even respond like a rational being?"
Angel turned his attention to the chains again, methodically testing each link.
"Buffy was our friend too," Xander continued, anger growing. "What gives you the right to do this? We hurt too. We dealt, why won't you even try? Buffy wanted us to take care of you, why won't you help? It was her last wish. Why do you have to screw it up?"
"Because the rest of you had some purpose in life beyond her." A loudly dressed individual coming down the stairs said.
"Who are you?" Xander demanded.
"Whistler," the stranger replied, turning his attention to Angel. "Sometimes I wonder why I ever bothered with you. No scratch that, most of the time I wonder about that. A real waste of time it's been trying to save your miserable life. You know I should have left you in that ally. At least then no one cared about you enough to be hurt by this self-destructive kick you're on."
Angel ignored the other demon as totally as he had ignored Xander. Disgusted Whistler turned to Xander. "Try to do a good deed and look where it leads. You know I thought I'd give Angel there a chance to redeem himself, give the world another protector, and give the Slayer an ally, an all around win for everyone. Only Angel goes and gets everything confused, instead of looking at this as a chance to pay back the world for the damage he's done, he falls in love with your Slayer. I saw what was happening right from the first ya know, still I figured what the heck, it gives him a little extra incentive to help her, what's the harm. I mean Angel's not some high school kid who's never been in love before, he can handle it."
Xander interrupted with a bitter snort, "I guess that theory didn't pan out."
Whistler gave Xander an annoyed glance; "The theory was fine it was my initial premise that was faulty."
Xander looked confused.
Whistler sighed, "Before Buffy, Angel never had been in love. The mortal he'd been was too much of an immature child to truly love, and that first century after the curse, well let's just say Angel was much too busy loathing himself to feel anything else. The demon Angelus, he's not really Angel, so that century and a half just doesn't count."
Whistler addressed Angel again. "You hear me, Angel-boy, you've had more chances than anyone has a right to and you waste everyone of them. You've been around for two hundred and fifty odd years now, and you've used maybe ten of those years to do something worth while. Percentage wise that's not much to brag about."
"I'm tired of hurting," Angel grated out. "I just want the pain to stop."
Whistler's face softened slightly. "Kid, I wish that were an option for you."
____________________________________________
Year: 2010
Whistler shut the basement door behind him firmly, then turned to the expectant faces waiting for him. "I got through to him once," He said. "At least enough to get him to go see Buffy that first times, but where ever Angel is now, I can't reach him."
Willow glared at him. "So you're giving up?" she demanded.
Whistler sighed, "Listen kiddies, I like Angel, I really do. I truly wish his life could go a bit smoother, but sometimes things don't work out. People get hurt. I can't help Angel 'cause nothing in him wants help right now.
"I've seen Angel in his moods before. Indulging in the whole guilt and brooding thing he's so good at to an extent you can't imagine. This isn't that, it's like his soul's gone, but the demon is gone too. Like the pain ate up everything else. I don't know how to help him, and I don't want to watch a kid I'm fond of drown. So yeah, I'm giving up. I know a lost cause when I see one."
__________________________________
Year: 2011
"I want Angel!" Beth screamed pushing herself free of her mother's embrace.
"Honey, Angel's sick," Willow said.
"He's been sick forever," Beth protested. "I want him to get better."
"So do I," Willow replied tiredly.
Two weeks after Whistler's visit Xander sedated Angel, and then he hooked up the IV, just like he had while Angel had been in the coma. There was only one slight difference, this time Xander spiked the blood with medication to keep Angel asleep.
Xander's idea didn't go over well with the others, but since no one had a better one, no one unhooked the IV either.
About the same time Willow started spending a lot of time alone with her spell books.
__________________________________________
Year: 2011
"Your spell will erase Angel's memories?" Giles asked.
Willow nodded, "It will be like a fresh start."
"All of his memories?" Xander pressed. "Cause if that's the case I see a major problem with this plan, namely you'll break the curse. I mean if Angel doesn't remember what Angelus did he won't feel remorse about it and poof, no more soul."
Willow rolled her eyes. "Of course, I thought of that," she said. "You honestly thought it took me six months to research a simple little amnesia spell? I studied the curse backwards and forwards, I found every possible loophole in it and I can fix them. I get rid of the happiness clause; I can even get rid of the bloodlust. This spell will really help him. Angel will still be a vampire, but the guilt, the pain, all of that will be gone."
"It seems like you're planning on destroying pretty much everything that makes him Angel," Oz said. "He won't really be the same person if we remove everything Angel experienced, but it's better than just leaving him drugged for the rest of our lives. I vote for Willow's spell."
"You're sure that you can prevent his soul from being lost?" Giles asked.
"Do you think I'd even bring this up if I weren't?" Willow asked with exasperation. "I want to help Angel, not destroy him and release that demon on the world again."
"I apologize Willow," Giles said. "And Oz is corrected anything is preferable to our current solution."
Xander shrugged, "I don't see what's so bad about my solution. Deadboy's alive, sort of, and we're taking care of him like Buffy asked. Plus we don't have to worry about him going postal on us. Still I'm out voted, go ahead and cast the spell."
____________________________________
Year: 2011
"Angel?" Willow asked.
The vampire's dark eyes slowly focused on the woman sitting next to him. He looked confused and afraid.
"It's going to be all right Angel," Willow promised.
Silently he mouthed her words, the confusion apparent in his face deepening. "Right?" Angel's broken voice made the word an accusation and a denial.
"I'm sorry," Willow sobbed taking his hand. "I wanted to help."
Angel's eyes lost focus as his concentration turned inward, all he found where shattered fragments of memory, of self. Even those broken images were slipping away into a dense fog.
"Angel, will you eat something?" Willow asked reclaiming the vampire's wandering attention.
He shrugged.
"Oz, go get the. the." Willow stammered.
"I know," Oz said walking back up the stairs.
Oz returned with a mug of warmed blood as well as Xander and Giles.
Willow helped Angel to a sitting position and Oz handed him the mug. Angel winced at the taste.
"Please?" Willow asked.
Angel glanced at her again then drank. A sigh of relief passed through the room.
Quietly Oz removed the heavy chains binding the vampire.
"It's a little early for that isn't it?" Xander said.
"We'll just keep an eye on him for awhile," Willow whispered.
"Who?" Angel asked glancing around the room nervously.
"Oh, um, I'm Willow, that's Oz, Xander and Giles," Willow stammered. "We're your friends."
"No," Angel replied. "Who am I?"
_________________________________________
_________________________________________
Year: 2011
Beth watched nervously as her mother curled up in a corner of the couch and sobbed. "Mommy?" she asked in a frightened voice.
"Everything's all right," Willow said pulling herself together.
Beth stared at her; every line of her body betrayed tension and disbelief. People didn't cry when everything was all right!
Willow hugged her daughter tightly. "I'm sorry I'm scaring you," She whispered. "It's just been a bad day, but things are going to get better now."
"Would you like to see Angel?" Willow asked once Beth had relaxed.
Beth nodded grinning brightly, Willow's offer completely distracting her.
Willow squelched a flicker of apprehension and led Beth to the basement.
Angel sat quietly on the edge of his cot staring at his hands.
"Angel!" Beth shrieked happily, breaking free of her mother to climb into Angel's arms.
Angel sat passively as the bubbly seven-year-old perched herself confidently on his lap.
"You're better now," Beth exclaimed. "You've been sick forever and ever. I wanted to come see you but mom and dad wouldn't let me. I told them and told them you'd feel better if I visited but they said no."
Angel glanced up at Willow, overwhelmed and confused by the exuberant child. Willow couldn't meet his eyes.
"I missed you," Beth confided hugging Angel tightly. "You are all better now?"
"I'm better," Angel replied, his words were still hesitant and uncertain. "There's a lot I can't remember, but it's okay," Angel's comment was directed as much to Willow as to the small girl in his arms.
"You remember me don't you?" Beth asked staring up at him with hopeful eyes.
For a long time Angel just stared back down at the child who so obviously trusted and cared for him deeply.
As the silence stretched out between them Beth's chin quivered and her eyes filled with tears.
Tentatively Angel drew her into a gentle embrace. "I remember you," Angel said. "Bits and pieces, pictures of you are still with me, but I forgot most of the details, I'm so sorry."
Beth pulled away from Angel's chest to look up at his face, tear tracks marring her cheeks. Carefully Angel wiped away her tears.
"You still like me?" Beth asked, new tears welling up to replace those Angel had wiped away.
Angel hugged the tiny red head more firmly than before. "Of course I still like you, nothing changes that." Angel grinned as an odd fragment of memory was found of this child standing before him scuffing a nervous toe behind herself looking anywhere in the room but at him. "I just don't remember what mischief you've been up to."
Reassured, Beth snuggled happily against him, and proceeded to catch Angel up with every aspect of her life.
Willow smiled gratefully at Angel as she slowly retreated to the living room.
____________________________________________
Year: 2017
"Angel?" The questioning voice disrupted his concentration allowing the image of the petite blond woman to escape into the clouded recesses of his memory once more.
Angel sighed then brightened as he recognized the voice that had intruded into his thoughts.
"Hi Beth," he said smiling as his eyes slid open. "How was school?"
Beth slumped dramatically on to Angel's couch, "Horrible," she exclaimed. "Pop quiz in social studies."
"So?" Angel asked with a shrug. "You're like Willow, good at that stuff."
"I am, but Ros isn't," Beth replied. "The whole rest of the day all she does is moan about the unfairness of pop quizzes."
Angel made a sympathetic face at her; he'd met Beth's friend Rosaline several months ago. She made him uncomfortable. Beth said Rosaline had a crush on him. Angel wished she'd get over it.
Most of the time he found her irritating, the whole idea of kissing a girl was just ick, except for his girl, the one he wanted so badly to remember. Rosaline wasn't her, though. He didn't want Rosaline.
He could remember the girl he loved. He remembered her kissing him at a skating rink, he knew that kiss had been special, but he couldn't think why it was so important. The pictures of her that he found in his mind were filled with emotions, tumulus, confusing, overwhelming. Want and need, but also loss and regret. She meant everything to him, but there were so many holes and she only came in dreams and scrapes of memory
He wished she'd really come. Sometimes he'd try to look for her, but his friends got really upset when he did that. They wouldn't help him look for her, no matter how he asked. He'd tried sneaking out of the house to look for her only last night. Xander had been really mad at him about that.
_______________________________
Year: 2017
"Xander, you shouldn't yell at Angel," Giles said. "You know it only confuses him."
"I know," Xander sighed. "It's just that I worry, we almost didn't find him before sunrise this time. You know sometimes I think he doesn't understand that it's a dander to him."
"He doesn't," Oz replied, "We've explained it to him but it doesn't sink in. He knows what we tell him, when he remembers, but it doesn't make sense to him. We go out in the sun, he won't understand why it would hurt him when it doesn't hurt us."
"Yes," Giles said. "In many ways he's become like a small child. Willow and I are going over her spell, but we're still not sure why it effected him like it did. We knew there was a possibility that his mental age would be affected by wiping his memory.
"The depth to which the spell effects a person varies depending on the person. Still even in the worst-case scenario time and new experiences should have returned him to functional adult personality. We knew it was possible that he would be very different from the person we had known, but nothing like this was anticipated.
"Rather than erasing him memories the spell seems to have damaged Angel's ability to access long term memories. What he does remember is fragmentary and shifting."
"But some things are constant." Oz pointed out.
"Yes he always retains a vague memory of Buffy, judging from the frequency of his questions about her. He never remembers being a vampire, in fact I believe he purposely blocks all memories of the atrocities he committed while soulless." Giles said. "Although he does seem to remember other things from those parts of his life. His drawings clearly show Spike and Darla in earlier centuries. The same is most likely true of those of Drucillia as well, however; since her style of dress has not significantly changed since she was turned it is more difficult to tell."
"I've noticed that, but it's not like he's remembering those centuries, it's like he's living them," Oz said. "Sometimes he's perfectly comfortable playing computer games with Beth, other times he wants to know how cars move without horses."
"And he always asks why we get older," Xander added. "He finds our high school pictures and starts asking why we look different. Angel says that's how we're supposed to look, it upsets him that we've changed. And I refuse to try to explain aging to him again. I'll go crazy if I do that again."
"That makes sense actually," Giles said. "For over a century the only creatures he maintained prolonged relationships with were vampires and their appearance wouldn't have changed with time. I doubt Angel has been around humans long enough to observe the aging process since he was mortal himself.
"But it doesn't bother him that Beth gets older," Xander said. "And Angel remembers everything to do with her since the spell was cast."
"Yes, Willow and I also find that confusing." Giles replied. "It seems that Angel makes an extra effort to remember Beth. Willow has mentioned that Beth became visibly upset when he couldn't remember her immediately following the spell. Which explains his motivation in remembering her. Angel is very sensitive to the emotions of people around him now. Another reason why you should refrain from yelling at him, Xander. What it doesn't explain is how he can access all of his post-spell memories of Beth, while he is incapable of doing the same with any other subject."
_________________________________
Year: 2020
Her name was Buffy, Angel realized with delight, the young woman, the person he loved was called Buffy. She liked to go to a place called the Bronze. He used to go there to watch her; he'd danced with her there.
He was supposed to protect her, he couldn't do that if he wasn't with her. Quietly Angel left the house.
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