Series: Random Thoughts
Summary: Angel's POV during the opening scene of "Fredless"
Disclaimer: Premise and charcters borrowed from "Angel".

I spent the whole drive back to LA worrying about what to tell my friends. I want them to trust me and I know lying to them isn't the way to get that trust back, but like I told Buffy; sometimes lies are better than the truth.

That was so long ago, several life times for both Buffy and I. I still believe it though, that's why I'm never going to tell any of my friends what catalyzed my epiphany. It won't help; it would just get everyone upset. Although I was sorely tempted to tell Cordy just to get her to drop the damn eunuch thing; just to see the look on her face. Sure I'd loose them as friends, but sometimes. when I'm tired of being their pet punching bag, when I'm sick of being reminded constantly of my mistakes last year. but that's just the darkness talking, the darkness that comes from the man and not the demon. I don't really feel like that, I swear.

Over the centuries I'd forgotten the darkness, remembered an idealized version of Liam, a harmless child who never really got the chance to grow up, but the First and Darla stripped away my illusions, darkness was always a part of me. A part I have to keep controlled and hidden as thoroughly as I do the demon.

But what happened between Darla and I is an old lie, a decision I've already made and moved past. What happened and everything that led up to it, is something I just want to put behind me. This is different. Tonight I've got a new decision before me. They're going to ask about what happened between Buffy and I. Because they worry, Cordy thought I might be suicidal after my first return to Sunnydale. And because they're curious, it's only human nature to be curious, I can hardly fault them for it.

I don't know what I'm going to tell them. I could lie, say that we talked and as glad as I am that she's alive again, nothing has changed and we still can't be together. They'd believe it; it would even be true, except the part where we talked. It's what they expect, it would close the issue, it would be easy, and it would be a lie.

Or I could tell them the truth and get staked. Tell them that it's a damn good thing Buffy and I decided to meet someplace off the beaten path, or maybe it was the worst idea we'd ever had. We wouldn't have almost. Not if we'd met in, say, the middle of a shopping mall, or maybe we would have. Because when I saw Buffy step out of her car into the moonlight. oh god, as much as I treasure the few times I've seen her in the sun, she's never looked more beautiful than she did at that moment.. When I saw her, after I'd come to believe I'd never see her again in this world, maybe never see her again period. When I saw her every thought went out of my head except that I needed to touch her, to fill my senses with her so that I knew she was real, that this wasn't just another dream. Should I tell them that Buffy was the same? That she needed to touch me as much as I needed to touch her? Should I tell them that neither of us managed a rational thought until after most of our cloths were already decorating the sand of the quiet beach where we'd chosen to meet.

We didn't talk about the curse, or consequences, our eyes met and we both realized what we were only a heartbeat away from doing. I wonder if my eyes were as horrified as hers were. After all she's sacrificed to protect this world, we couldn't, won't, risk it. If what I feel for her means anything at all I can't risk putting her through that particular horror again, not when she's already been through so much and still they won't let her rest.

I guess Spike was right; we will love each other until it kills both of us. And it only gets stronger, two years of separation and just seeing each other was very nearly enough to shatter all restraint.

I thought I'd lost her forever, now I know I can't afford to see her again. It's just too dangerous, for her, for the world.

We didn't talk, we both knew, in our bones, in our hearts, in our souls, there's nothing left to fight about. We both understand, we love each other and it's not enough or it's too much. It'll burn us both to the bone if we don't keep our distance.

My friends don't want to hear how close we came to risking my soul tonight. Their trust in me has already been strained beyond the breaking point, but I feel guilty that I'm rebuilding our friendship on lies.

With a tired sigh I open the door to the hotel.

"Kiss me!"

"Bite me!"

Suddenly I find I don't feel guilty at all. I don't even have to lie to my friends; I don't have any. And these people, I don't owe them an explanation for my actions. They don't have a right to full accounting of what happened between Buffy and I.

As for confiding in them... at this moment, I'd rather spend another century in hell.

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