Summary: Angel's POV after Buffy's death.
Spoilers: The Gift; TNPLPG; IWRY
Rating: Watch the show?
Author's Notes: Lyrics to "If I Had Only Known" go to the wonderfully talented Jana Stanfield.
Author's Notes 2: I was feeling sad one night and I was listening to this so I decided to write this story.
Feedback: PPLLEEAASSEE!!

If I had only known
This was our last walk in the rain
I’d keep you out for hours in the storm
I would hold your hand
Like a lifeline to my heart
And underneath the thunder we’d be warm
If I had only known
This was our last walk in the rain

“Willow?” Angel looked shocked to see her sitting there.

“What’s?” Cordy piped in.

Seeing the sadness in her eyes he knew almost instantly.

“It’s Buffy.”

If I had only know
I’d never hear your voice again
I’d memorize each thing you ever said
And on those lonely nights
I could think of them once more
And keep your words alive inside my head
If I had only known
I’d never hear your voice again

Willow didn’t say anything, all she did was hold me. The pain and anguish on her face told me everything I needed to know. Buffy was dead. And this time, she wasn’t coming back. The next thing I remember doing was just letting myself cry so hard in front of everyone. Cordy, Wesley, Willow and I, just formed this gigantic circle and let out our sorrow and sadness.

Come back!
Let me hold you one more time
Let me say goodbye

I went up to my room. I needed to get away, far, far away. All I could think of was Buffy and our time together and how much time I missed out on. The last time I saw her was at her mother’s funeral and she wanted me to stay forever. Maybe if I had, she wouldn’t’ve died. Maybe I could’ve saved her or helped her in some way.

If I had only known
This was my last night in your arms
I’d pray a miracle to stop the dawn
And by the candle’s glow
I could look into your eyes
And make sure you know my love for you goes on and on
If I had only known

If there was one thing I could tell Buffy right now, I’d tell her how much I still loved her. Even after all this time…all the pain and heartache and craziness we’ve been through, I still love her with all of my heart and soul. Willow handed me an envelope with my name written on it. She handed it to me, and then left with a few tears running down her face.

If I had only known
The love I would’ve shown

Sitting quietly in his room, Angel opened the envelope to see a letter inside.

My dearest Angel,

I don’t know how to say this, but I don’t have much time. In more ways than one. There are a couple of things I should let you in on. I lied to you in the cemetery that night. There is a hell god in Sunnydale looking for Dawn. I know I should’ve told you, but I didn’t and I’m sorry. She kidnapped Dawn earlier today and she’s going to use her blood for a ritual and I have to stop her before she can.

I have this feeling inside me that no matter what happens tonight, whether I save Dawn or not, I’m going to die. I know it’s sounds clichéd but if you’re reading this, then I probably am. I’m so sorry you had to find out like this, from Willow. You’re probably wondering how I know Willow told you. Well, Giles and Dawn will be too devastated to leave the house and Xander and Anya didn’t seem like the right people since you were never close. Spike would either be mourning my death or comforting Dawn. That left Willow or Tara and you’ve never met Tara so that left Willow.

The whole point of this letter, Angel, is to let you know how much I still love you. I always will. I remember you telling me a long time ago, “Nothing can change that. Not even death.” After I sent you to Hell, I remember how much I wanted to die. I ran away and went to Hell myself, but, I don’t remember having a reason to fight anymore; to carry on and I don’t want that for you. I want you to fight. Like I told you that night on the bluff: Strong is fighting. It’s hard and it’s painful and it’s everyday.

If there is one thing I regret doing in my life it’s letting you go. You have to know and understand that you were all I needed. You’re all I need. Angel, as much as I understand why you left, I still don’t. You said you left me because you couldn’t make love to me, or take me into the sun or have a family with me. You have- need to understand that one look from your eyes to me, didn’t even compare to when I slept with Riley. And the whole children thing? I will never have children because Slayers can’t, and the sunlight issue? You thought you were taking me into the dark, but you were doing just the exact opposite. You WERE taking me into the light. Don’t regret anything in your life. Achieve your Shanshu, live. There’s no one more deserving of it than you.

Angel, this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life. I have to say goodbye to you. At least for now. We WILL be together again, Angel. I promise you that. But only when the time is right. You have to go on. You have to fight and protect the people you were meant to protect. I’ll wait forever for you if I have to.

Always, Buffy

PS: I’ll never forget.

By the end of the letter, Angel was full in tears. The thing that really got him was when she said she’d never forget. Did she magically remember their day together? Did she remember, or was she just saying she’d never forget him. He was so confused. Then something hit him. Dawn. “Oh god. I have to be with her right now. She needs me.” And with that thought in mind, Angel set out on his trip to Sunnydale to comfort Dawn and to see his love one last time. At least in this life time.

If I had only known

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