Rating: PG
Summery: Just thoughts...
Disclaimer: For the final time, I own nodda, nothing, zilch! Joss has rights to it all.
Distribution: Take it, please let me know where it's going.
Feedback: Please?

I stand on the beach and star out at the waves brushing the shore. The moon stares down at me, cold and unfeeling. The stars wink at me as if they know something I don't. But I know something now.

I have been saved.

The one person I thought could end it all for me, saved me. She awakened some deep and profound realization that I was unable to do alone. She brought me back to my senses.

I wanted so badly to give her everything and give up the right to the soul that tortures me even now. But I couldn't. Some deep force within me just couldn't surrender so easily. The one thing I held on to during the time I thought I'd lose my soul was a single image.

Buffy and I, the night I made love.

The perfection of happiness I found with her is something that can not be matched by Darla, Dru, by anyone. That happiness stemmed from a deep love that I only hold for her. I realized something when I came to the realization that I was meant to do good. I still love her.

When I think about the past two years since I left her, I wonder how I didn't see it. I still love her. So what do I do now? The only thing I can.

I go back.

***

I am standing by a grave. Funny how I've been in graveyards so many times, and yet the full impact never hit me. People's loved ones lie here. Loved ones that were mourned for and deeply missed.

Now someone I love lies beneath my feet. She was my mom. But she was so much more, just as Dawn is so much more than my sister or the Key. She was my little inspiration, my guidance at times, and a seemingly unending source of comfort and love.

I stare at the stars above and wonder what sort of God would take a woman's sources of joy. My mother, Dawn, Angel, and my friends are sources of joy for me. I've lost two of them. Am I to understand that the rest will follow?

I drop down slowly to my knees and bury my face in my hands. I begin to sob. They are hard, long sobs that feel as if they were drawn up from deep within my soul.

I cry for all I've lost over the years and all I could lose. I don't know where I will go from here. I'm not sure if I can go from here. It's as if pain I've locked up deep inside is breaking loose and coming out in torrents. I just can't stop sobbing.

Then a hand comes to rest on my shoulder and a pair of arms surrounds me. I turn and blink up at the face I see. My Angel stares back at me and I do not ask him why he is here. I do not care.

I just lie in his arms and sob. I am content just to be there. We can always ask and answer later, but for now, I feel as if I've come home.

I feel as if I've found my salvation.

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