DISCLAIMER: The Acid Tripping man owns them, I don't. This takes place after Grad Day II and is a companion to "Mercy". Angel's POV. "Wait" is by Sarah McLachlan off "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy".
TIMELINE: After "Graduation Day, II"
SPOILERS: Season Two's Suprise/Innocense, and Season Three
SYNOPSIS: Angel thinks about Buffy after he's left her.
DISTRIBUTION: My site , BA_Fluff, all others, please ask.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Angst. Again.
FEEDBACK: Please!
RATING: PG

Under a blackened sky
Far beyond the glaring streetlights
Sleeping on empty dreams
The vultures lie in wait.
You lay down beside me then
You were with me every waking hour
So close I could feel your breath\\

Did I do the right thing? Should I have left her? My head says I did what was right, but my heart doesn't agree. All I want is for her to have some type of a normal life; she can't have that with me. She can't have the life she deserves with me. She needs someone who can take her into the light, not someone who has to suffer in the dark.

When all we wanted was the dream
To have and to hold that precious little thing
Like every generation yields
The newborn hope unjaded by their years\\

I wanted us to work. I wanted it so badly that it hurt. Maybe I'm not the best thing for her, but I can't stand the thought of another man touching her. My Buffy. She'll always be my one true love; I can never love anyone like I love her.

I should have listened to myself. When I saw her at the Bronze, after I killed Darla, I should have just left. It would have made her life so much easier. I wouldn't have had to hurt her so many times. And she wouldn't have to have seen that part of me:

Angelus.

Pressed up against the glass
I found myself wanting sympathy
But to be consumed again
Oh I know would be the death of me

And there is a love that's inherently given
A kind of blindness offered to appease
And in that light of forbidden joy
Oh I know I won't receive it\\

I never wanted her to see that part of me. I never wanted her to see the monster that I once was. And to see the hurt in her eyes… I almost wish she had staked him. It would have been a hell of a lot less painful than to see what he was doing to her.

I know Buffy thinks that night was her fault, the night we made love. But it isn't. We both wanted it; we never knew what would happen. But I got to spend the night in her arms, and I will always be thankful for that.

I had to leave. Being with her, seeing her, it's too tempting. What if the happiness clause is still there? I can't have Angelus come back. I can't hurt her again. But I just did. I just hurt her.

I left her.

I swore to her that I would never leave her; that I would always be by her side. And I want to. I want to more than I've ever wanted anything in my life.

When all we wanted was the dream
To have and to hold that precious little thing
Like every generation yields
The newborn hope unjaded by their years\\

I wanted to give her a real goodbye. I wanted to hold her in my arms one last time, but I'm too much of a coward. I know that if I held her, I wouldn't be able to let go. Would that be such a bad thing? Because that's what I want to do. I want to hold her and never let her go.

Maybe her mom was right. Maybe the Mayor was right. What kind of life can I really offer her? I can't give her children, I can't give her walks in the sunlight, I can't give her a real relationship.

But I don't want a real relationship.

I want my Buffy.

You know if I leave you now
It doesn't mean that I love you any less
It's just the state I'm in
I can't be good to anyone else like this\\

I'm an idiot. I really am. I just walked away from the best thing that has ever happened to me. She's the only chance I'll ever have at true love, and she's gone. I know in my heart that no one can love me as much as that tiny blond Slayer did.

And now I'm alone.

When all we wanted was the dream
To have and to hold that precious little thing
Like every generation yields
The newborn hope unjaded by their years…\\

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