DISCLAIMER: Yeah, they are mine... any problem with it??
DISTRIBUTION: All yours. Just tell me.
SUMMARY: When the line between friendship and love disappears... AU- fic.
AN: Some sort of therapy for me: Wishful Thinking. Hope you'll enjoy it.
RATING: PG-13... I think. ^_^;;
FEEDBACK: Do I need to beg???

I've already decided it. There is no more waiting now. Tonight will be his last free night. So what if he had been my best friend for years? I.Want.Him.

Maybe you don't understand my situation. It's no wonder since you know nothing about it. I'm Buffy: a nice, playful and sometimes strange girl: Your typical college girl. And he is Angel, a handsome, irresponsible and terribly nice guy, the one I'm getting tonight. Please don't think I'm exaggerating. I really love the guy. I've already tried to blame my hormones, my family-problems, even my ex for this... but it insists of staying here. Now, normally I would just go for the chase: a 'casual' meeting in a neutral place, some coffee, some dancing and finally some make-out sessions. Nothing I haven't done before.

But this time it's different. Angel may be your average Don Juan but he is nothing average for me. He has been my *best friend* for many years. You know, the one I speak about *everything* with, the one who even told me about his first time - though I still firmly believe that there are some things no *girl* friend should know... But I'm digressing. The fact is: he is my best friend and I'm crazy for him. And don't think this is just some silly crush: IT_IS_NOT. As I've said I already tried to convince myself of it. It didn't work. So I guess I'm really in love with him.

This whole craziness started some months ago, some time after Darla appeared in our lives. Who is Darla, you ask? Well, let's just say that I wouldn't impose her presence on my worst enemy. And that's not because she's Angel's girlfriend. Nope, definitely not that. Even before they got together, when she was still the new student in our class, I didn't like her. Far too bitchy and conceited. But of course, my friend thought that her shapely form did compensate for all her faults. Men!

I was shocked when I found out that they were going out. Not because they were doing it, you mind, but because Angel hadn't told me a word about it. Of course, the fact that I've told him exactly what I thought about the girl may have influenced his decision... But well, after the rough start Darla and I began to become friends... No we didn't. Whom am I trying to kid? The girl hated my guts and I felt the same for her! But we had to act at least politely when we were together. All for Angel's sake. 'Cause, obviously, the oblivious man didn't have a clue about the 'friendly' situation between his girlfriend and his best friend.

Now, the problem was not if Angel had a girlfriend or not. After all, in all these years I've seen more girls in his life than I care to count. But each one of them had always respected my position in his life, even if a bit grudgingly. Not even the ones that lasted only a weekend dared to defy me... and the same went between my boyfriends and him. We never gave the other's pair a reason to be jealous; but at the same time we never were apart. Now that was a promise we made in sophomore year: No matter girlfriends or boyfriends we would always be together. Life was perfect: I would always be there for him when he suffered one of his guilt-trips (He treated girls like trash and then felt bad about it.) and he would drag me to any party if I was moping over a guy. Yup, life was certainly perfect. Now I realise that maybe, just maybe, I had been in love with him since then but I just never felt the need to call it 'Love'; after all, if you *are* *sure* someone will be always there you don't need to claim him as your own.

Don't you think?

It was because of that sureness that my whole world crumpled down that Thursday. Now I have to say that Angel and I don't have many 'best friends' traditions'. His family would come to my house on Christmas and we would crash by them on New Year's Eve, but that was nearly all. In the course of the year, however, we spent a free night every two Thursdays together. Just he and I. Frequently it was in his home 'cause he had the biggest TV set I've ever seen and his music system was certainly enviable. The whole thing started years ago as study-sessions. We would read our notes till our heads ached and then have some pizza or popcorn with a relaxing film. After finishing school we managed to maintain those meetings and even in college we rarely called them off. That's why I had a bad feeling when my phone started to ring on that Thursday's midday.

"Buff?" I often wonder if he knows what my real name is. He is the only one who ever calls me *that* and gets away with it. "Look. I'm *very* sorry but I can't come by today. Is it okay with you?" I opened my mouth to ask for a reason. After all I had already prepared some dishes for us and rented the films. By the way, did I mention that Angel just loves my cooking? Once he told me he would like his wife to have my skills in the kitchen. Of course he turned beet-red after saying it. Sigh. I put him out of his misery by telling him I'd gladly teach her... As if!... but I'm digressing again. As I was saying I was about to ask him when a feminine giggle reached my earshot. I froze. The giggle grew louder and I found myself picturing a nasty scene which involved a scantily dressed Darla... *shudders*

"Yeah... it's okay." I tried to sweeten my voice. It didn't work. Damn! "By the way, where are you now, Angelus?" If he didn't know I was mad he knew it now. I used 'Angelus' as rarely as he used 'Buffy'.

"I'm home right now," he answered, " but I still have some pending business. It'll be late when I'm finished. Can we postpone it for next week?"

'Postpone it? 'Pending business'?! You bastard! You promised no girlfriend would separate us!...' I was about to say that when I realised the absurdity of it. He was with his girlfriend, for God's sake! As much as I disliked the girl I had no right to interfere.

"Yeah, of course. Next week. Bye, Angelus."

"Bye Buff. I'll call you later!" But even as he said the words I knew he wasn't going to call today and probably wouldn't till he remembered there were other girls outside Darla. Such as me...

I buried my face in my hands. Darla's laugh presented itself in my mind and I could picture her in my best friend's arms on the same bed we had used many times for a nap or just for chatting a while. Sigh. I realised for the first time that whatever I had had with Angel for all those years I was losing it.

I know well what you're thinking;
and I wonder if you can too.
Can you guess my feelings?
What about my dreams?

So just tell me:
Can you stay in mine?
May I be in yours?
-ME-

Now, I'm normally not a possessive person, you know. Not even my boyfriends can say I watched them too much. I myself hate it when feeling watched. That's why the change in my behaviour surprised myself. I began to call Angel hours on end, sometimes until I was too sleepy to carry on a conversation, or to scowl inwardly every time Darla appeared with her toothy smile and fake green eyes to snatch him away. Internally I knew I was being childish and selfish. Angel could and would choose Darla over me. She was his girlfriend and I only was his *very* old, *very* good friend... Shit! I was his damn *best* friend and I wanted him! Was it so bad?

But he didn't know that. He only knew that this was the most serious relationship he'd ever had. In fact, before I realised it they were having their six-month anniversary. Of course, it *just* had to be on one of our Thursdays. Just my luck. He gave her a golden chain with matching pendants. They were simply beautiful, the same I had seen on his night table for weeks. I had secretly hoped they were my birthday present for the next week. It was not meant to be. Instead he gave me the CD I had been wanting for some time. Before I could thank him he mentioned how much fun he and Darla had had picking a present for me. I thanked them both and resisted the urge to throw my new CD into the trash. Fortunately, my love for Alanis M. won.

I finally conceded defeat a month after my birthday. One entire month with just quick calls and even quicker chats at college. I began to feel like an intruder when being with my own best friend and Darla enjoyed it. The bitch actually managed to prepare something irresistible for him each Thursday, I heard she even learned to cook. Shit! Of course, Angel was as oblivious as always.

I didn't gave up just because I wasn't talking to him, you know; I had spent entire summers without him when my family went to the country to relax. No, lack of words wasn't the problem. Lack of communication was. Now you'll say it's all the same thing. I assure you: It's not. You don't need talking to know how someone is doing, especially a *best-friend*. So, when Angel asked me where Riley was I only stared at him dumbfounded. Riley was a guy I had been going out with. I broke up with him two weeks after the first 'Thursday- incident'. As nice as he was, the poor guy didn't deserve my brooding around. That had been three MONTHS ago. The fact that my supposed 'best friend' didn't know what even the cafeteria crew did know really stung.

He must have heard the slight bitterness in my response because he was extremely attentive with me for the rest of the week. But on Thursday it was me who called him to cancel our meeting.

"No prob, Buffy." You won't believe how much I missed that nickname! "Maybe we'll have time next week."

"Yeah, next week it is." I said trying to copy his falsely cheerful voice. This time he knew as well as I what was really happening.

That day I ate slowly the lasagne I would have cooked for us instead of myself alone. Lasagne had been his favourite dish since I met him. I learned to do it because of that. This plate was the one that earned the 'wife-comment'. Sigh. The rest of the evening I just wondered why the hell did Darla have to appear if I had been always there.

Friends,
such a sweet word...

You tell me all your secrets
and of course I'm always glad.
You tell me we are good friends
and then I get so mad.

You are always at my side.
I thank you.
You don't know you should be mine.
I hate you.

Friends,
such a sweet word,
such a sweet death...
-ME-

That was six months ago. Give or take one year since Darla appeared in our lives. Angel and I still maintain long phone-talks but something isn't 'on' anymore. I didn't even tell him about the new guy I had been with for a short time and he didn't ask. In short, the only things worth mentioning are Angel's and Darla's break up and my decision to win him for myself.

What?! You didn't really think a college affair would last that much, did you? Especially when you know what a conceited bitch-y person Darla really is. Did I mention that she was a bit on the slutty part also? At first I didn't believe the rumours. True, I didn't like the girl; but not that much. But after the Jefferson's party some weeks ago nobody could deny the truth. To keep the story short let's just say that she drank too much spiked punch and ended up straddling and pawing the wrong guy, not that he was complaining much... but well, in front of the spectacle Angel had to acknowledge the situation and break it off with her.

My best friend was in front of my porch two nights later. You could smell the alcohol on him from meters away. I hadn't seen him that drunk since high school and I hadn't thought I would do it again. Damn that bitch to Hell! I let him rant and rave all he wanted in my room and then let him weep on my shoulder. Just as it had always been. Only this time it wasn't because of some misplaced guilt but because of a broken heart and ego. Cradling him and murmuring the same reassuring words as always I let myself accept that my Angel had been really in love with the girl. Done that I felt strong enough to close the 'Darla's episode' in both our lives. When I told him so he smiled. *Really* smiled. As he hadn't done for a long time. Not for me anyway. In that moment I knew he was *my* friend again and I was glad. Call me selfish if you want, I've called myself worse things.

Next morning I was in the shower when it struck me that Angel had been there last night. At the same time I understood that he had left without me noticing it. I remembered thoughtfully last year's occurrences while in the shower and I concluded that I could be as good girlfriend as any of the girls Angel would meet now. But I also knew he was now on the rebound and whichever girl he chose would deserve my pity and benevolence, as it had always been until Darla. At the time I was pretty tempted of putting a large poster saying 'BEWARE GIRLS: Angel O'Connor Is On The Rebound!'. Many of my college friends always wondered how could I be such a good friend of the worst 'womaniser' on campus, especially being a woman myself. They certainly didn't know him in school.

Hmm... would you mind if I retreated some years into the past? Glad to know you don't. Well, I met Angel when he still was a shy guy, whom no self-respecting girl cared for in *that* sense. I myself only considered him a friend. He was my 'best friend' but still only a friend.

Two years later, out of the blue, a completely strange girl invited me to her birthday party. I thought she was being just friendly. Next week it was another girl trying to sit at my side in all classes and yet another passing me her sacred Chemistry-notes. (AN: Hey! They are sacred for me!) I became suspicious after seeing one of them paying for my lunch in the cafeteria... Had the whole school gone into some kind of 'nice-stage' and I wasn't informed? It was freaky! It wasn't that I wasn't popular, you know, I had my good share of friends outside Angel. But I never was *that* popular.

It didn't took nor a genius neither much time to figure out what was happening: Every disposable female was looking for a date with *my* best friend. At first I couldn't fathom why. Hell, I was the guy's best friend and I *knew* he wasn't that good. He was tacky, irreverent, irresponsible, sometimes annoying, and the list could go on forever.

So I asked one of the girls. She stared me like I was some kind of freak and just said: "Have you *really* seen him?" I did and I noticed the change he had gone through in those months and... God, what a change! Those soccer practices had really done their job! But then I was on a steady relationship with a really nice guy and were those real muscles? and steady was good and cheating was bad, *really* bad, and had all those drooling girls nothing better to do? and cheating your boyfriend with your best friend could degenerate into a bad reputation and my guy was *really* nice and he said he loved me and Angel just said he loved my lasagne... Sigh... Nice guy won... and I forgot everything about those crazy thoughts till Darla appeared in our lives. But well, I'm digressing *again*. To end with the retrospective let's just say that I took pity on some of the girls and presented Angel to them. In less than two months they had transformed my nice shy friend into someone I didn't recognise but accepted anyway: After all Angel would always be my best friend... until I decided he just would be mine.

But I was telling you that he was on the rebound. Sure enough, before a week I was formally presented to Willow, a lovely girl with nothing in common with Darla. By the next weekend I had already met Cordelia and Jheira and for the next month I met so many girls that I still feel as if there's an 'Angel's Rebound Girl' everywhere I turn. If anything, this whole mess served me to get a whole bunch of new friends. Soon enough I had recovered my status in Angel's life. We phoned each other regularly and met each second Thursday at his home. His girls were wary and resented my position a bit but, as always, I was quick in gaining their trust. As I said, being Angel's girlfriend at that point deserved more pity than anything.

And now, *at last*, Angel seems to be cooling off. The last girl he was with lasted three whole weeks and from what he told me last Thursday he is searching Mrs. Right again. May as well begin my plans tonight at Cordelia's party: a 'casual' meeting in neutral place, some coffee, some dancing and finally some make-out sessions. What I should have done since the beginning...

Please, wish me luck for tonight. I certainly will need it.

Today I wanna play.
So come here. Let's have some fun.
Are you scared? Worried maybe?
I promise I'll be a good girl.
Have I ever lied to you?

You know well who I am:
Your little friend, the nicest one.
Now you'll only have to guess
why am I here, looking for fun.

Don't be so shy, I know you aren't
Don't say a word; it has no use.
I wanna kiss you, have fun together
I wanna play and be with you.
-ME-

DEDICATION: For my best friend and his girlfriend. May this story stay in the paper and my imagination... as much as I don't want it to... *sigh*

***So people, did you like it??? Please do send a line telling if you did like this one or not. I'm rather fond of this one... Feedback. Please, please, please! ***

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