RATING: PG
TIMELINE: Set after 'The Afterlife'. In first-person form.
SUMMARY: Buffy's thoughts on her memories of her love, Angel.
DISCLAIMERS: Buffy and Vampire Slayer and Angel are created by Joss Whedon. All hail this man. Characters do not belong to me.
DISTRIBUTION: E-mail me first.
FEEDBACK: If you want to, e-mail me. If not, then don't.
DEDICATION: Jane Lane! You wonderful beta-er you! I suck at grammer. I suppose it won't matter if all I do is play Mario, Zelda and Banjo and Kazooie all summer. Oh..and obsess over Keith (punk rock boy...nummy-college bound...not so nummy). o.O;;

Sometimes you forget just how hard it can all be. You try and live. You push back all the memories that hurt you most. If you don't, you'd be living the past, not the present. One step at a time you learn to let those memories stay in the past, where they belong. But how can one move on from these experiences, if they are the only thing that kept that person sane to begin with? How can you let go? All you do is pretend. Pretend that life is fine and that you can deal. No I can't pretend. My Angel will always keep me grounded. I can't imagine what it would have been like if I never met him. I don't want to imagine it.

He was always the one I could run to. He kept me safe when no one else could. I would run into his arms and he would wrap them around me and hold on to me. He never let me go. Except he did. He left me. He walked away, into the smoke, as I stood, dying inside. A part of me really did die that day. No one can make me smile or feel as happy as he made me feel. Just no one. When some big evil comes creeping around, my instinct is still to run to Angel. Sometimes, I go to the mansion on Crawford Street and bundle myself up on his bed. His scent that I became so familiar to is gone from the sheets, though. It has been long gone.

Forever. Some crazy part of me wishes I could live forever like him. So I could be at his side. But there would be the curse. There is always some obstacle standing in our way. If he could be human...God, I would die. We could walk outside when the sun is shining and...we could make love. If only. It would never happen though. Nothing is that perfect. If it ever happens though, I would never forget. Ever. It would be the most treasured and precious memory that I would hold.

I'm never as happy as I could be. I've tried, of course. Riley was a great friend. But nothing more. I cared about him, but I never loved him.

I have only loved one person and he is the only one I will ever love. I could never love someone like that again. I gave my whole heart, body, mind and soul to him. Every inch of me loved him. And when I was around him, every bit of me screamed to be near him, to kiss him, to run my hands through his chocolate brown hair, to have my hands feel his silky skin, to look into his deep, soulful brown eyes. His eyes can see into me. He understand me completely. I can't hide things from him, nor can he with me. We are connected as one. He is the only one. My Angel, my love, my soulmate.

Send feedback to Lex

Back to the Fanfiction Archive