Rating: PG at best, probably G
Disclaimer: BTVS, A:TS, and the characters on these shows belong to Joss, yadda yadda. The song at the end is 'Light Me' by Emily Richards
Spoilers: Just to be safe, I will say BTVS: Seasons 1-5 J Mostly "Surprise" and "Into the Woods"
Distribution: You want it, you got it, just let me know.
Authors Notes: The idea for this fic. came from the 'Light Me' by Emily Richards. There may be a companion piece coming soon, there may also be a story revolving around this and the companion piece. It all depends on if I have the time and the inspiration.
Authors Notes Pt 2: I went back and added a paragraph or two, so it would fit with the companion piece (s) that I am writing. Ultimately, this will become a trilogy called: Simply Human. Thanks to Rose for answering my dumb question. *g*
Thanks: As always, to Heather for beta-ing for me. A VERY VERY Special thanks to Sara-Lee for the feedback, I apologize for not replying to you, but I appreciate it, more than you know.
Feedback: lisagaill@yahoo.com

'I love you, I try not to, but I can't stop.'

'Me, me too, I can't stop either.'

My Angel,

Days are fine. During the day, I can pretend all is ok. The night is when it's the worst, but isn't it that way with everyone, because at night, it is just you and your thoughts. I am just one big cliché, aren't I? I just can't stop thinking about you, tonight. I guess it could have something to do with it being the anniversary of that night, I don't think of it as my birthday anymore, just our anniversary.

I dream of that night often, more often than I would like, even though I know that fateful night was a mistake in your eyes, it mean everything to me, still now, six years later. And even with the severe consequences it produced, I wouldn't change it or take it back. I just wish that I didn't have to relive it when I close my eyes. It hurts too much. I wonder if you remember that day? But in my heart I know you do, honestly I know that you love me and you think about it often.

Some nights, I don't think about you at all, just dream about you. You know those dreams where we are always perfectly happy. You are not a vampire and I am not the slayer, and we are together. I even have had dreams where we can be together despite our destinies. Don't we at least deserve that much? I sometimes think that we, as fighters, got the bad end of the deal. We have to fight everyday to save humanity, yet we can't even be together, what kind of deal is that?

Some times I go a day or two without thinking about you. But those thoughts always return.

I would like to blame Willow, and Xander, and Giles, anyone but me, even you, sometimes. But that wouldn't be fair. I didn't let them see how much you leaving hurt me. I couldn't let that vulnerability out, couldn't expose myself that way. And that's my fault, maybe if I would have told them how much I missed you and was mad at you and loved you, maybe they could have seen and they wouldn't have been so happy for me. After a while of pretending, I became used to it, began to believe it myself. Maybe I am over you. At least that's what I tell myself during the daytime. Nighttime is a totally different scenario. That's when the memories come. I am almost glad that I am living back at home, at least then I don't fear Willow finding out my secret. That's the way I like it.

Some part of me does love Riley,always will, and that's why I ran after him,years ago. I didn't want someone else that I love leaving me. But I don't love him the way I love you, I will never love anyone the way I love you…you're my lobster. You are the only one I will ever truly be with, emotionally, spiritually, totally.

After he left, I realized that I just couldn't do that to myself or to anyone else anymore. It is not fair to him or to me. I just can't be half in love and expect it to work out. I cannot make love to one man while dreaming of another. It's not fair to willingly go into a relationship knowing that I couldn't give him my soul. So that's why I haven't dated since then. I know, or I assume that somehow you know what's going on in my life. Rather it is from the gossip train or from you lurking, I know you still do that. You probably know all about my life, yet I know nothing of yours, only that you still live in LA.

You know what, maybe you were right to leave. Maybe that was for the best. But I guess we will never know. I delude myself to think that if we would have had a goodbye, then maybe it would be better and I wouldn't miss you so much. But that's not true, I would still miss you more than anything in this world.

I'm not saying that part of me hasn't gotten over you. It has. The part of me that can see realistically, the part of me that knows that when you have found what you are looking for you will come back. We will find each other when the time is right. And I will be ready. I will always be ready for you to come to me. I will always be ready to be with you, forever. I would give my life for you if I had to. But I can't sit around and mope over you all the time, which isn't to say that I haven't done that. One day I realized that it was ok... it was ok that we weren't together because it was meant to be, and it was also meant for us to be together. I know it in my heart.

I wait for you to come back to me. I know that one day you will come back to me, and then we can be together for all eternity. I never told you, but on more than one occasion while I was fighting Angelus, I considered just giving up, just letting him take me, I figured at least then I could be with you. But then I heard you telling me not to give up. And even now, I hear your voice telling me not to give up, and I am not going to give up, ever. I believe one day you will be here and you will stay with me though the night.

Maybe you will never come to me. Maybe I will have to find you, and that's ok too. I am willing to look for you until the end of the world. I hope you realize that I firmly believe that we will find each other again. We will be granted the happiness that we deserve, that you deserve. And we will appreciate it more. That's what makes us different, we treasure our times together, we understand that it may not last, that we have to enjoy what little time we have. And when we are finally together, forever, it will be greater than anything in the world.

I wish you could understand that it's not a bad thing for you to be happy, of course, not blissfully happy. But you think if you can't be with me totally, then you can't be with me at all, but you can. I wish you could see that it would be ok. It hurts me that you think all I want out of life is children, and sunlight. What good would those things do me if I couldn't share them with my soul?

Buffy walked into the room, "Angel?"

Hanging on, always hanging on
To what might have been
What could have been
What should have been

Dreams below, fly to you I know
To where I believe
Why well see
What still will be

Stars dance round our circumstance
Darkness grows for me
You give the light I need to breathe

Stay with me now through the night
Embrace your light around me
Though you are far
Your life's in my heart
Light me

No goodbye, ever you and I
Through a world alone
A timeless zone
A life unknown

I will pray for you everyday
Ill miss you here
Until then dear
Ill cry your tears

Stars dance as your countenance
Darkness grows for me
You give the light I need to breathe

Stay with me through the night
Embrace your light around me
Though you are far
Your life's in my heart
Light

You see much more than me
You live in eternity
You give the light I need to breathe

Stay with me now through the night
Embrace your light around me
Though you are far
Your life's in my heart
Light

Though you are far
Your life's in my heart
Light me

~ Kevin Carmony & Emily Richards, Oct. 1, 2000

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