Disclaimer: I do not own the characters. I also do not own either song. They both belong to Phil Collins
Rating: I dunno, PG for bad words?
Spoilers: I would have to say all of the episodes, but especially "Amends" and "The Prom"
Authors Notes: This idea came to me while I was listening to "I wish it would rain down" by Phil Collins. The first song applies to Angel, but I wrote the story in Buffy's point of view. The story takes place in the summer after season 1 of "Angel" and season 4 of "Buffy"
Feedback: If you do not mind, . Ok this is my first angst piece, I swore that I wouldn't do any angst, but well….

You know I never meant to see you again
And I only passed by as a friend
All this time I stayed out of sight
I started wondering why
Now I, I wish it would rain down, down on me
Yes I wish it would rain, rain down on me now
You said you didn't need me in your life
I guess you were right
Well I never meant to cause you no pain
But it looks like I did it again……

He is here. I know it. I could feel him from the moment that he got into town. As hard as I try, I just can't ignore the feelings of joy that I always get when I know he is close by. For a minute, I can make myself believe that it's just like it used to be, that he will come to my window and we will be together until the last possible minute. But, then I am back in reality and know that I will be lucky if he even lets me know that he is here.

So I went about my day, trying to act like everything is normal. I went and visited Willow and Tara. They share an apartment now. Xander and Anya were there too, we hung out, but I was not there. In my head I was with him, always with him.

Despite my efforts to act nonchalant, I took longer than usual to get home. I even made three sweeps pass the graveyard, even though I knew there were no vamps. I only average one every week. Finally, after spending two hours 'not' looking for him, I made my way home.

Now he's here, even in my sleep I feel him. I knew the moment he got to my house, when he climbed up to my window, I knew it. At first I thought I was dreaming again, but slowly I realized that it wasn't a dream and that he is really there.

"Angel," I call out his name, hoping he will come and hold me, just like he used to. But he doesn't. I know he is still there, so I try again.

"Angel, I know you are there, I can feel you."

Quietly he entered her room, glancing around, "I was just--"

"Skulking," I grin at him to show I am just joking. It surprises me when he grins back.

"So what brings you to Sunnydale?"

"Honestly, I am not sure. I am supposed to be taking a vacation, orders from Cordelia. But I do not know why I ended up here."

"Oh."

"So, how have you been?" I know he is trying to avoid why he is here, but I decide to humor him for a while.

"I've been good. There hasn't been much activity since we killed Adam and destroyed the Initiative. A few fledglings, ones that think they can kill me, but other than that, there hasn't been much going on. You?"

"Pretty much the same. Just your basic dumb fledglings. Nothing too major, which worries me."

"Only you and Giles would be worried about the lack of baddies," I inform him.

He chuckled slightly, before falling into silence again.

"What's the real reason you came here? It sure wasn't to make small talk with me," I ask him, quickly growing tired of dancing around the subject.

"I don't know. I guess I just wanted to see how you have been."

"Angel you talk to me on the phone at least once a month," he has something face, last time he had something face it didn't turn out so well, so I am a little nervous. He glances all around the room, anywhere but at me.

"How's Riley?".

"Riley?" I am taken by surprise by that question, "He is fine I guess. I really do not know. I haven't spoken to him since we broke up and he went home." I could swear I see a look of joy pass over his face at hearing that, but as soon as I think I see it, it's gone.

"Oh," is all he says, still looking everywhere but at me.

"Why do you want to know about Riley?" I question him, knowing he was not just being polite.

"I-I just wanted to make sure he is treating you right and giving you everything you want."

"He can't give me everything I want," I whisper, knowing that he hears me.

"Buffy you know all I only wanted the best for you. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, to have normal life."

I don't know what it is about that statement, but it just sets me off. I think it is because I have had so much pent up rage and anger towards him, towards everything, that I just can't take it anymore.

" YOU want what's best for me? YOU want to make me happy? Angel do you want to hear how HAPPY I've been, do you want to know what your damn noble attitude got me. Ok, after graduation and you left me, I cried and cried. I cried myself to sleep every single night. I thought maybe if I cried enough, you would feel it and come back to me, but you never did," I don't know why I suddenly started telling him this, but now that I have started, I just can't make the words stop coming.

"So I tried to move on. So many times I tried, but every time I thought I was maybe getting passed it, something would happen and I would see you and it would start all over again. When I found out that you came to Sunnydale at Thanksgiving and didn't even have the courtesy to tell me you were here, I was so mad." I never was sure if I was mad because he thought I couldn't take care of myself or that he didn't tell me he was here.

"When I went to LA to confront you, even though I only saw you for a few minutes, I came home and cried for days, because we weren't together. And you didn't even act like you wanted to be. You wanted to forget. Then the last time I went to LA, thinking I was coming to protect you. And I saw you hugging Faith, do you have any idea what that did to me?" I ask, filling with rage.

"Yeah I think I have an idea," he tells me quietly, but it just will not do.

"Shut up, you are going to listen to me for once. I lashed out in anger because you don't love me anymore. You forgot about me. Those things I said to you weren't true. But I didn't know what else to do I was so hurt and so upset that you had forgotten about me and you didn't love me anymore. So I came home and cried some more. Angel I don't I have any tears left. But they always keep coming back. When you came to see me, I thought for just a minute that maybe you wanted to come back, and that we could be together, but no, why would I think something so stupid like that, I knew better. I just didn't know what to do. I wanted to run into your arms and never leave. But then I remember YOU left ME! EXACTLY HOW HAPPY DO YOU think this made me?" By the time I finish, I can't even talk anymore I am crying so hard. I move away when he tries to comfort me.

"NO, don't do that if you don't mean it, and you don't. You are just going to leave me again. So don't get my hopes up. I just don't have it in me."

He looks at me with a hurt expression on his face. Quietly, he says, "I never forgot."

Those words seem eerily familiar to me, but I just ignore it.

His expression is pained as he continues, "I never stopped loving you either. I can't believe you would think that. You are all I think about. But Buffy you were not the only one hurting and upset. You were not the only one that cried everyday. You weren't the only one. You think that it was easy on me to leave you? It wasn't. So many times I was out the door and to the car to come back to you but I didn't. Buffy I never meant to hurt you. I thought I was doin—"

I know it should comfort me that he says this, but it doesn't he just enrages me further.

"Yeah, yeah, doing what was best for me. When exactly did you get to decide what was best for me? Did I miss the memo that say 'Buffy doesn't know how to make her own decisions she needs everyone else to do them for her' can't you ever just drop the barrier for two seconds and tell me what you really feel, what you really think? I am tired of every time I want you to tell me how you feel, you manage to avoid it, I want to know!"

"You want to know what I really feel, what I really think?" He has that tone, that not angry, but not friendly tone.

"Yes, I want to know."

" Fine. Do you remember that Christmas," I nod, knowing full well what Christmas he is talking about.

" And I told you that I wanted to take comfort in you. That I didn't care that it would cost me my soul, I just wanted to be with you. That's why I left, because I can't control myself around you. All I want to do was make love to you all day long all night long. And I can't have that. So I left. Buffy, I love you so much that it hurts." I nod at him, knowing the feeling.

I see a haunted look in his eyes as he continues.

"When I was in hell, they taunted me with you. They used you to hurt me. They replayed that night over and over and each time I killed you. They made me watch as Angelus tortured you." His eyes are filling with tears, but he keeps going, "After I came back, it just hurt too much. It hurt too much to be around you. Not because I didn't want to, but because every time I was near you I would think of that."

At least now I know why he seemed so distant, I always assumed it was because he hated me for sending him to Hell.

"He tormented me, telling me that I could make you ours. It took every ounce of self-control I had not to give in. Then your mom came and that just pushed me over the edge. I just couldn't take it. I am weak. I can walk like a man, but I'm not one." He says, quoting those words from long ago.

"And at thanksgiving, you forgot. Do you know what that did to me? YOU forgot. I may have left but damn it you forgot." Again a small flicker of recognition passes through me, but I do not have time to question it, before he moves on.

"When you told me that you loved Riley and that you trusted him…you think you were the only one that got upset when we saw each other? Do you know that every time I would think of you and wonder what you were doing, I would think of you being with him and it would make me sick with rage? All I could think of was coming here and ripping his throat out. The demon in me screamed to come and take you. Do you know that more nights than I care to mention I nearly staked myself just so I wouldn't have to think of you with someone else? You are mine. Mine, Buffy."

By the time he's finished he is crying, too. We just sit here, neither of us knowing what to do next, suddenly something he said makes me curious.

"My mom? What does my mom have to do with anything."'

I hope that he will not try and avoid the question, I just don't think I can handle that right now.

"She came to see me before your prom. She told me that 'all you could see of the future was me' that she thought I was clouding your judgement." He glances off, knowing that I am angry.

"And you listened to her?!! Angel, the woman is delusional. Even after I told her that I was the slayer she didn't believe me. What would make you think she would know what I want or need?"

"I was already beginning to doubt it all, and she just came and pushed me over the edge."

"God I am going to kill her" I am so enraged at the gall of the people who call themselves my friends and family. All of them are trying to run my life. No body cares what I want. It's my life!!

"Buffy, she is just looking out for you."

"My ass she is! She is just another one in a long line trying to run my life. Did anybody give any consideration to me? To my feelings while you all were out planning my life for me? Or did that just not matter? That I don't want normal? That I will never have normal?!! Nobody even bothered saying 'Buffy, what do you want?' I don't care about sunlight, or children, or any of that bullshit you think I want. I don't want any of that. I just want you."

"That's the problem Buffy, all I want is you as well."

"No, Angel, I just want to be around you. I want to be able to hold you and just be with you. Sure making love would be great, but it was never about that. I can't believe—" I just stop. I have started crying again and can't finish. Again, we sit in silence, my tears finally easing.

Quietly I continue, "It wasn't easy for me either."

"What?"

"Riley. You acted like it was all fun and games for me."

"Well, it looked like you were having fun to me"

"FOR YOU. I was with Riley because of you. I didn't want to be with Riley. But YOU wanted normal for me. So I went out and tried to get myself a normal life. Do you know every time we had sex, and that's what it was, sex, that there was no love. Every time, all I could think about was you. How YOU wanted me to have a normal life. I never wanted that. But I figured if I tried to have a 'normal' life, that maybe you would come back to me, I don't know. It just was too hard. I just--"

This time when he tries to hold me, I let him. I am too weak to fight him. We sit, holding on to one another, not daring to let go.

After a while, I look up at him, "What are we going to do now?"

"I don't know," he answered.

"Angel, I can't do it again. I can't think that you are coming back to me and then you leave again. I just can't do it. I don't think I have it in me."

"I know. I can't do it either."

"Then don't leave. Stay here with me. I want my life to be with you" I tell him, saying those words that gave me such heartache.

"I want my life to be with you, too. But I have obligations in LA. I just can't leave that."

"But you can leave me." I know that's not true, but I just do not understand.

"No. I can't do that either. I don't want to do that. But Buffy, the problem that was there a year ago is still there. I want you now more than ever and if I was around you all the time, I know I couldn't control it."

"Ok so I'm supposed to live the rest of my life in misery because you can't control yourself. That's good. Yeah. Ok....I-I just don't know what to say. We are just going around in circles, never doing any good." It's true. We are no better off now then we were before he came.

"I know," he said.

We just sit, holding each other. Knowing that when we let go he will go back to his life in Los Angeles and I will live mine here. We will just hope that one day our paths will cross again and we will be able to be together. And yet, we both know that in our hearts we will always be together.

You have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
We can't go on just holding on to time
Now that we're living separate lives

Well I held on to let you go
And if you lost your love for me, well you never let it show
There was no way to compromise
So now we're living (living)
Separate lives

Ooh, it's so typical, love leads to isolation
So you build that wall (build that wall)
Yes, you build that wall (build that wall)
And you make it stronger

Well you have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
Some day I might (I might) find myself looking in your eyes
But for now, we'll go on living separate lives
Yes for now, we'll go on living separate lives
Separate lives

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