Disclaimer: I own nothing!!
Rating: PG
Summary: Sequel to Undying, Angel reflects.
Spoilers: Mentions of the entire history.
Thanx: Everyone
Distribution: BA_Fluff, Leonie, B/A Coalition, anyone else, you know the drill
Feedback: Oh, yeah, it's quite the self-esteem booster ;)

Angel sat in the dark. He was thinking about her again. The way she looked when he held her for the last time, that day in the hospital with everyone watching them, including Riley, but she hadn't realized he was there when she declared her love for Angel. Maybe she did, but didn't really care. She was dying and Angel was there, holding her the way she had longed to be held for so long. Angel didn't know, he didn't really care anymore. She was gone, the one ray of light in his dismal world of darkness.

Sometimes, the pain of that thought, Buffy's absence from this world, his world, was too much for him and he sobbed like a baby. If he had breath, he wouldn't have been able to breathe. He didn't know if he could do it anymore, if he could live a life without her even if that life was from a distance.

"Why, Buffy?" he whispered to the darkness, "Why?"

Every second was like an eternity and each passing minute brought more pain. Angel didn't think that he'd be able to survive without knowing she was smiling somewhere or laughing at one of Xander's dumb jokes. He would rather her be in the arms of someone else, knowing that at least she was happy even if the thought tore him up inside, still . . . at least she was alive.

He laid his head back against the chair and closed his eyes, letting the memories fill his mind.

"Don't worry, I don't bite . . . All I can think about is how badly I want to kiss you . . . When you kiss me I want to die . . . I love you. I don't know if I can trust you . . . Interesting . . . I didn't even notice . . . I love you. I try not to, but I can't stop . . ."

As the Angelus memories came, he tried to block them out, forget that they were apart of their relationship, but the truth of it was, they were and they always would be no matter how hard he fought against them. The words rang in his mind, the mockery he made of their love, "Hello, lover." And then, it was right again.

"What's happening?"

"Shh, don't worry about it. I love you."

"I love you."

"Close your eyes."

"Buffy . . . ?"

He shuddered at the memory of her eyes looking so helpless as Acathala held him prisoner. He didn't understand why she had done what she had done until the door he had opened closed. All he knew was that she probably had to despite everything her heart was telling her. When he had returned and found her, despite his animalistic nature he remembered her. Remembered her scent, the way the whispers of lavender and vanilla stayed in the air long after she had gone. Remembered her eyes, the way he could just drown in the depths of their vivacity. Remembered her hair, the way the blond glinted and shined in the moonlight. She was the one thing in Hell that kept him from absolute and complete insanity though she was a tool they had used in him driving to it.

"Forever. That's the whole point . . . You're not friends. You'll never be just friends. You'll be in love til it kills ya both . . . Tell me you don't love me . . . The world wants me gone . . . I loved you because I could see your heart and more than anything in my life I wanted to keep it safe, to warm it with my own . . . Boys, I like you . . . Always . . . Hey, I love you even if you're covered in slime . . . I never thought you'd come . . . I won't let you die. Drink . . ."

He cried at each memory that came and as the last few times he'd been with her emerged, the tears fell harder.

"I'll never forget, I'll never forget, I'll never forget . . . You don't know me anymore. Go home . . . Riley, I don't like him . . . Thank you . . ."

"Buffy, I miss you. I miss you so much," he sobbed until exhaustion overcame him and he fell into a fitful sleep.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

"Angel, honey, open your eyes," the voice said. It was warm and inviting. Angel felt like he was coming home. He opened his eyes and was nearly blinded by what he saw. Immediately he shielded himself from what he thought was the sun. "Sorry. I'm not the sun, Angel. Look at me," she said again, a slight giggle in her voice. He looked up at a now dimmer light and saw Buffy. "Buffy?!?!" he exclaimed, pulling her into his arms, "but you're dead."

"Physically, yes, I'm dead. It's kinda depressing, isn't it? Now I know why you brooded for the most of your days. Anyway, to the point. I still live. I live through you and Willow and Giles and Xander and my mom and yes, even Riley. I live in your hearts. Remember what you wrote in my yearbook? 'As long as I am on this earth, what we had lives in me.' I live in you and even though I'm not here for you to put your arms around me and to kiss me, I'll be in your dreams. But you have to promise me that you'll never give up. Remember, strong is fighting. Promise me and I'll always be with you," Buffy said softly.

"Buffy, I don't know if I can," Angel choked.

"You have to. You have to do it for me and for you and Cordy and Wesley and the millions of people in LA that need you," she replied.

"Buffy, I don't want to," he whispered.

"I know," she said as she wiped his tears, "I know, but you have to." He looked up her with tears still rolling down his cheeks and tried to smile.

"I promise, but . . . ," he choked, "You still my girl?"

"Always." Angel woke up immediately and looked around his dark apartment, smelling whispers of lavender and vanilla in the air.

"Always."

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