Giving Up

Giving Up

by MM

Summary: Only thing I'm saying is Angels P.O.V. and angst. You've been warned.
Time line: A couple of years in the future.
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Buffy and Angel don't belong to me. They belong to people that we all know and don't love. The song is by Lara Fabian and it's called "Givin' Up On You."
Authors notes: I wrote this quickly and I made *me* cry. I'm warning you, very depressing. I've never made me cry in something that I'm writing.
// represents lyrics

//Silence and quiet
Again in my life
Far from these moments
I wish I was
Passion and truth
We were about
Before these shadows
Stole the beat of our hearts//

I did all of it for your own good, watched you move on. But I never accepted it. Deep down, I *knew* that we were destined to be together. And someday, we would be. Maybe not in this life, but sooner or later, we'd be able to be happy with each other. Continue our forbidden love without problems. I was wrong. Perhaps I always knew I was wrong, that I was dreaming. But I never imagined that it would end so badly.

//After all we have been through
I can only look at you
Through the eyes you lied to
I'm givin' up, givin' up
I'm givin' up on you
After all if there is no way out
If you cannot stand beside me
If there isn't love
There is only pride
I'm givin' up, I'm givin' up this fight//

You lied to me. All those years ago. "Angel, when I look into the future, all I see is you. All I want is you." I remember those words as if it were yesterday. They could keep me going when I was slipping farther and farther away from the world. All of our memories, the good ones, could do that to me. Help me. It's not fair to hold that against you. It was so long ago, you didn't know what you wanted. But I can't help but wish that you at least hadn't told me all those lies.

//Undo this leash
You say I tied
When only our fears are to
blame this time
And what am I to you
Just spit it out
I'm not afraid of the words that you hide//

For the longest time I believed those harsh words that you said to me after we went our different ways. I believed that it was my fault for everything.

I learned some things when I was in L.A., when I became human. I learned that it was your fault just as much as it was mine. Maybe not quite just as much, but both of us wronged each other in our relationship. I guess there was no avoiding it. I just thought that we'd be able to work through it and be happy. But first it was my fears, then yours, back and forth, until we missed our chance. No look, here I am, alone for the rest of my life.

I know that you loved me, and I think that you always will, you just can't admit it. All you can do is lash out. Because you're scared and hurt. I suppose that I can't blame you, I did most of that. Made you that scared person. When you told me to leave you alone, to never approach you again, I couldn't believe it. I never thought that you could come to resent me so much that you wouldn't even want to see me.

//Where do we go
Where did it all crash
When did it start to fall apart
Silence and quiet
Passion, the truth
Shadows, only shadows//

Darkness has always consumed the outside world for me, and for a long period of time it consumed me internally as well. But those times I spent with you, I felt like I was beaming.

You made me feel that way. Made my always dark world light. But then, it was back to how it was before, darkness and pain, on both sides. When did we start to hurt each other so much? Was it when I left? Was it before that? Was it when we fell in love? I don't know the answer.

I can think about if for hours and I still don't know what went so wrong that we could hurt each other as much as we have. I still love you, I always will. It doesn't matter how much your words tear into my heart, and who I see you kissing. I can never hate you.

I fought for all this time, hoping to god that my redemption meant you. A wish that I thought, maybe, just maybe, would come true. Now I know it never will. I'm finally giving up.

The End

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