Summary: Buffy's thoughts after Riley's departure.
Spoilers: Into the Woods
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: All belong to the meany Joss and his fellow meany people. Song belongs to Lara Fabian and her people.
Authors Notes: angsty yet not at the same time. Weird I know.
Authors notes again: I promise that the next installments to my two series will be out tomorrow. (Meaning Monday because it's still Sunday for me) I know you probably thought I'd fallen off the face of the earth but I haven't Anyway.....soon I swear.

Look in these eyes you'll see the dark
That little space inside my heart
The darkest side withholds the light
The light that brightens me inside
You don't know

Maybe I could love him, someday. I know that I don't love him now; at least not the way that I should. Xander was right, Riley has always been there for me, and I haven't treated him the greatest. It hurts though, that yet another man has walked out of my life. Someone that I cared about.

I wasn't sure if I could handle not having his security. I know now that I can. I may have learned to love him, but he'd never really know me. Not that part of myself that's hidden away from him. I hold back; I didn't even realize I did it until a couple of days after he left, but I did. I never let him get to close to me.

Angels don't fly, they have no wings
It is another of those things
That we make up
That we believe
The real thing is not what we conceive

I thought that he knew me. I tried so hard to let him in, too hard. So much, in fact, that the complete opposite of the desired happened. While thrusting myself forward into our relationship, trying to let him see all of me, I didn't let him see anything. I didn't realize at the time that it's supposed to come naturally; that you're not supposed to have to force someone in.

I was blinded by the need. The need for a lover's love. And that's what he gave me. The problem was, I didn't return the favor. I thought I did, I thought I loved him. But it was just because I told myself over and over that I did. It was all mental, not soulful.

You don't know
I won't let you see me
I will hide, I will lie
As true as can be
You just don't have
What it would take
To be a part of me

I get it now. At least, I think I do. Real love doesn't happen with every relationship. True love doesn't happen every day. Not all relationships are powerful and deep. Most aren't in fact. I'm positive that I speak the truth.

Only one lover has known and will ever know me. I accept that. Truth be told, the acceptance doesn't mean much. What he and I had....it's unforgettable. It's in my blood. But it's also in the past. I'll always love him....but that doesn't change anything. It never has.

Someone else will be down the road. Probably many others. I learn to love one of them, maybe more. But they'll never really know me, like he did; they'll never have my love, like he did. And they'll never really be a part of me, like he is.

You don't know
I won't let you see me
I will hide, I will lie
As true as can be
You just don't have
What it would take
To be a part of me

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