Rating: umm...I'm thinking along the lines of PG...in the meantime. Who knows what the future might bring:).
Disclaimer: nope, last time I checked, nothing was mine.
Spoilers: well...better safe than sorry: everything up to the end of season 3 can be spoilery.
Synopsis: I have a strange drive to rewrite season 3 of BtVS. I just don't seem to like the way it ended...beats me why. Anyway, so despite the fact that the original plan was to begin with "Helpless" (that's around the time everything really started getting screwed up B/A-wise), as you can see, plan's changed and I'm going to start with "Anne". If you expect to find in this series events/quotes from the original season....I seriously mean it - I'll try my hardest keeping them to the very minimum. But all in all - it's probably a yet another attempt to end the season on a more "positive" B/A level. See how it goes:).
Pairing: the conventional ships: B/A, W/O, C/X. If I decide to torture any/all of them, you'll be the first to know:).
Distribution: ask first.
Feedback: please, yes, please.

Looking out my window staring
At the things that I can't see
If I listen closely
I can hear a dying dream
I'm wrapped up in the warmth
Of an unforgiving mind
I'm on vacation in another time

- Vast, "Land of Shame"

*********

When Buffy returned to the bedroom, Angel was still asleep. She released a pent-up sigh of relief, when it became obvious to her he hadn't caught her 'in action'. The more mature part of her knew it was unlikely he would be there without her knowing it, even if he chose not to come into view, but the child in her was still afraid of being caught doing something wrong.

She hadn't read much; only a few pages. The Slayer wasn't sure whether it was her conscience that prevented her from reading even more than she already had, but it was definitely something powerful, because it seemed to her nothing would be able to tear her from the journal after she had read the first word. She sank into his thought before she could even grasp what was going on.

Buffy peered at him longingly, and sighed, somewhat sadly, as she carefully sat down on her empty side of the bed. The man who'd fallen asleep in her arms the other night was almost nothing like the man whose thoughts and reflections she had read only several minutes ago. They appeared to be two entirely different individuals. And it hadn't taken Buffy long to put her finger on exactly *what* was so different about them.

Their strength.

She leaned down and gently kissed Angel's brow, and kept running her fingers through his hair as he continued sleeping, seemingly completely unaware of her. She wondered which of the two he was now. If only there was a way for her to know…but if she did…would it really matter?

The Angel who had written that journal was so much stronger and more coherent than the one sleeping next to her now. Why was he that way, Buffy couldn't even guess. Maybe after he let himself fall apart in front of her and let everything out, the stronger side of him was what was left to fill the blank pages of the journal? Again, she didn't know.

Should she feel special because he could open up to her that way? Should she feel privileged? Well, if she should, she wasn't. But he wasn't always like this. In fact, especially recently, he resembled more to the person who wrote in that journal than he ever had ever since his return from Hell. Only on very rare occasions had he allowed himself to fall apart. But when he did…Buffy only now realized that when he did, the good times were so quickly forgotten everything about them faded off into nothing. As if they never were. And even if only for a split second…it seemed to her he was always like this.

But she knew that. She knew, that even if she had him back, he would never return as a whole. Even with time, no matter how long, the memories of the demon's dimension would never be forgotten, they would only be suppressed further. But they would never go away completely. And the more days went flying by, the surer she became they would also never come out. He would never talk about it. Not even to her.

Her eyes subconsciously wandered from Angel's face to his abdomen, and she took a deep breath. Gently picking his hand up from his chest, the Slayer rolled the comforter from under it and returned the arm to its former resting-place without the vampire feeling anything. Then she rolled the blanket further down, up to his navel, and her eyes focused on his midsection, as though searching for something in particular. She slowly brought a shaking hand to his abdomen, and watched on, as her fingertips groped for something on the smooth pale skin. After a moment, she seemed to have found what she had been looking for, and opened her palm, gradually resting it a little above the vampire's navel, squeezing her eyes shut as though in some inexplicable agony, when her flesh came in contact with his.

After a short spell, Buffy reopened her eyes and mastered enough courage to look at her hand again. She swallowed hard, as if afraid to lift it from Angel's stomach, as if knowing what she would find, if she did. Finally, summoning forth all her will power, she managed to disconnect her hand from his body and turn the palm up. She instantly closed her eyes, emitting a stifled, inaudible moan, it took her several moments to realize she'd stopped breathing.

She reopened her eyes, growing fearfully wider and red-trimmed from welling tears that seemed to have come out of nowhere, as she found her palm completely covered with deep red blood. She only briefly glanced at Angel's stomach, where same blood was emerging from a deep stab, before her eyes fixed again on her palm and since that moment were unable to look anywhere else. "Angel…" she whispered fretfully, but her voice was so inaudible that barely she herself was able to pick it up.

"Buffy!" she suddenly heard him answer, but he seemed to be so far away she wasn't sure if she was imagining it or not. "Buffy!" she perceived his voice again, and her head snapped around to look at him.

"Angel…" she whispered, only then realizing she was trembling allover and her fingers had cut into his left arm's flesh until it bled. "You're bleeding…" she observed, completely disorient, as her eyes confusedly roamed allover his anxious face.

The vampire threw a careless look over to his arm, "Forget it," he muttered, and turned back to the Slayer, letting go of her shoulders.

"Not there," she shook her head, and looked down on her left hand. It was clean. Her eyes darted to his middle, there was nothing there, too. No blood. Nothing.

"Buffy," Angel drew her attention again. "God, you're shaking," he muttered, gently removing wet blond traces from her face, wiping the sweat from her brow with his knuckles.

"You're bleeding…" her wide eyes rested on his clear abdomen, oblivious to all he'd been saying.

Angel followed her gaze, and inhaled a deep breath, averting his eyes for a moment. He lifted her chin to make her look his way, "There's nothing there," he promised.

"You're-"

"Buffy!" Angel interrupted her sharply, determined to have her full attention, and waited until their eyes met. "There's nothing there," he whispered, pointedly glancing in the discussed direction. "There's nothing there," he reiterated, as his hands tenderly stroked allover her face. "I swear."

The Slayer looked down on his completely clear skin. Her eyes seemed to bore into him for several moments, insisting on finding *something* where there was nothing to be found. Gradually, she felt her breath and heartbeat settle back to normal, and let Angel's arms guide her down on his chest.

"I saw it…" she murmured quietly, even as his arms closed around her body.

He kissed the top of her head. "There was nothing there," he swallowed. "There was no blood… I'm fine," he kissed her head again. "I'm here. I'm right here."

"I saw it…"

"There was nothing to see," he angled her face to meet her eyes. "There was *nothing* there. It's…it's faded. It's gone. There's nothing there."

"You don't understand," she shook her head weakly, her eyes staring into his, as though possessed. "I'll always see it…it'll always find it."

Angel sighed, and rested her head back on his chest. "I know," he whispered, tightening his arms around her.

************

"Doesn't they look weird to you?" Willow observed, as she was thoughtfully regarding the dancing couple. The vampire was holding the Slayer close, one of his arms lay around her, while the other was holding her hand. He seemed to be whispering words in her ear, which caused her to cling even closer to his body.

"Couple of the year?" Cordelia responded dryly, glancing in the same direction as the redhead. "If you ask me, 'weird' pretty much follows them wherever they go."

The witch shot her a look. "I mean today. Something happened…Buffy doesn't talk about it, and I don't wanna ask, but…it's obvious something's not right. She skipped school today," the witch met Xander's knowing gaze. "And she's been not quite herself…it's not like her. Not recently, anyway."

"Christ, what *is* like her?" the brunette rolled her eyes dramatically at the redhead. "Don't you think you're spending a little *too* much time mulling over other people's problems? Angel hasn't been psycho-killer lately, everyone's happy. What can possibly go wrong?"

"I tend to go with Cordy on that one," Xander remarked. "Give it up, Will, you'll never get into their heads, no matter what you do. You're wasting your time."

"It's like their roles are reversed suddenly," Willow mused, bluntly brushing off both Cordelia and her boyfriend.

"They're allover each other like they always are, they're inseparable like they always are, seems pretty normal to me," Xander quipped.

The redhead shook her head, but said nothing. It was useless talking to them about Buffy and Angel. Cordelia was never one to talk to about these things…or any other, as far as she was concerned, anyway. As for Xander…well, he wasn't a surprise. He had never felt right with Angel around, no matter what he'd been trying to feign, mostly for Buffy's sake. The vampire's presence would always stand in the boy's way to 'normal'. He had never quite adjusted to having him a part of them, and he probably never would.

Willow sighed. Well, on the bright side, he wasn't voicing his opinions anymore, assuming they had not changed with time.

But still, something *was* wrong. Tonight, unlike most times, instead off them being equals, or her being stronger, the Slayer was clearly the *supported*, rather than the *supporting* half of a whole. And that according to Willow, was *not* right.

She gazed up from the table just in time to hear the end of the song and to descry Buffy and Angel walking back to their group, holding hands.

"Hey!" she beamed at the two.

"What's up?" Buffy eyed her obviously fake grin carefully as she seated in her boyfriend's lap.

"Nothing," Willow replied, still maintaining the stupid expression, knowing that lying was *not* her stronger side.

The Slayer carefully scanned with her eyes the rest of the group, which were Cordelia, Xander and Oz. Ultimately, the brunette rolled her eyes, "She thinks something is up with the two of you," she gestured with her hand at Buffy and Angel.

Buffy glanced at Willow, and the two exchanged a silent look nobody else but them understood, but it did what it had to do, because the worried expression vanished from Willow's features at once. Lying to your best friend was same as fighting a losing battle, unless you promised her you'd tell her the entire truth later on.

The blonde grabbed what's left of her coke and leaned back into her boyfriend's chest, randomly sipping from the glass.

"Buffy?" she suddenly perceived Oz's voice, which sounded a bit too serious not to be foreboding.

She looked up at the werewolf sitting across from her, but he only tilted his head, as though indicating on something behind her.

"O-oh," Willow remarked, turning to the same direction as did Buffy. Their eyes found Faith, dancing to the loud music, and surrounded with nearly every guy present in the Bronze.

"Just when things started getting really boring," Xander muttered, as he leaned back in his seat.

The Slayer stood up and started towards Faith, but the vampire grabbed her arm, causing her to stop. "Maybe I should come with you…"

"No," she shook her head resolutely. "It's between me and her, I don't want you in the middle of this."

"Buffy-"

"I'll be okay," she smiled, and squeezed his hand.

"Are you sure you're up to this? Maybe it's not-"

She merely flashed him another smile.

The next minute, she was seen dragging Faith by the arm out of the club.

**************

"What the *Hell* do you want?!" the brunette Slayer wriggled her arm out of the blonde's firm grip, when the two girls stopped in an alley away from the noise of the club.

"We need to talk," was Buffy's instant response.

"Do we?" Faith snapped. "Since when? Since I became your monthly crusade? Don't you people have better things to do?!"

"I know all about the Mayor, Faith. I know you switched sides…"

"You make it sound so bad," the brunette mocked, her orbs glittering with vile laughter.

"I know you switched sides," the blonde repeated, trying to stay cool in spite of the circumstances. "Now, I wanna know why."

"I didn't know I owed you an explanation."

"No, you probably owe it more to yourself than to me."

"Here's a deal," Faith walked up to her, until she was standing only inches away. "You spare me your 'Buffy's words of wisdom', and I'll get out of your way. Basically – you'll get out of mine. I don't give a *damn* about what you think, and I don't give a damn about your darling boyfriend, about your *perfect* friends, and about your perfect world! Because I don't have that, and I don't *need* that! I have something much more impo-"

"You have what?! A demon wannabe to protect you from the people who maybe *care* about you? So who's pathetic now, Faith? At least *I'm* on the right side here, Faith, you used to be there too once, or maybe you don't *remember*? Since we made your life so *miserable*, and all! And…the martyr…" she made a dismissing gesture with her hand, "doesn't look nearly as good on you as you think."

"Of course not, I can never step into *your* shoes!"

"Will you get over yourself for *one* second?!" Buffy was clearly fed up with the course their conversation had taken so far. "I never wanted you to be like me, no one did! You're the one with the issues, Faith, if you're already looking for problems, how about you start with yourself?!"

"Fine!" the brunette yelled back. "I'll start with myself! Has it ever occurred to you that maybe what I'm doing is what I *want* to be doing?! That maybe I *like* the things the way they are?! Maybe I *want* to be where I am? Has your perfect little blond head even *considered* that option?! All you ever did was judging me, all of you! You never once thought that maybe I didn't *need* your opinion!"

"We didn't judge you, Faith," Buffy shook her head, keeping her voice low and even as she spoke. "*You* put everyone against you, not the other way around. *You* took off and you left us no other choice but to, as you call it, judge you. What did you expect would happen when you just took off without explanation? Newsflash, people *can't* get into your head, unless you let them!"

Faith just looked at her for a long moment, not saying anything, then she smirked. "Funny thing, B., you know, ever since I turned *bad* as you call it, I feel so much better than I did while being with the people who *cared* about me."

"How can you say that?" Buffy hissed with disbelief. "Do you think, for one second, that I would have been going through all this, if I didn't care about you? You wanna go around killing people? Instead of cutting down on the vamps here, you're gonna walk around bragging who leaves more bodies behind?! Is *that* the kind of person you wanna be?"

"Oh, and *you* are *so* the one who needs to lecture me about vamps when you're *fucking* one of them!" Faith shot back angrily.

Buffy clutched her fists, inhaling a deep shaky breath. "Don't even try to pull Angel into your mess, he has nothing to do with it and you know it. The point here isn't who my lover is-"

"Of course it isn't! Because *nothing* that *Buffy* does is wrong! Not even-"

"Give me a break!" The blonde interrupted her, determined to nick that issue in the bud, the last thing she needed being getting sidetracked towards her and Angel's relationship. "You couldn't get your eyes off of him ever since you got over the fact he's a vampire, so *don't* tell me how to live my life!"

"I don't need him! I don't need any of you! All I need is for you all to back off and leave me alone!"

Buffy shook her head, "I can't stand by and let you ruin everything like that. Maybe you don't care about me, but I care about you. Whether I like it or not, but you're the only person I can share this…burden with." She inhaled sharply, pausing momentarily. "A Slayer is given powers to do good, Faith…"

"A Slayer is given powers to use them the way she wants to," Faith cut in, grinning slightly. "If you stepped just a *little* out of your 'perfect Buffy' frame, you'd see that. I'm *sick and tired* of mattering to people only when I risk my life to save their asses! I choose the life I live, and I choose the people I trust, and if this way is the way I *choose*, it means it's the right way for me!"

"The way of a killer…is the right way for you?" Buffy regarded her intently.

"I'm not a killer," Faith replied in the same low voice as her sister-Slayer, but after the words left her lips, she suddenly appeared extremely lost. "I never killed anyone…I didn't…I didn't mean to…" But before weakness could take over, the Slayer shook it off of her and grimly peered at the blonde. "I don't *kill*."

"Not yet," Buffy swallowed. "But you said it yourself…you chose that way. And we both know where it's leading." She intensely held the other Slayer's gaze for a long moment, both of them not uttering a word.

"Buffy, look out!" the silence was abruptly broken by Angel's voice, shouting her name from afar.

The blonde revolved at once, but there seemed to be nothing but everlasting darkness behind her, even her Slayer's eyes couldn't locate him anywhere near. Before she could turn back towards Faith, she was knocked off her feet by the brunette Slayer, as she launched herself on her.

It'd been several moments before Buffy could form a coherent image of what had just happened. By that time, Angel was already by her site, lifting Faith's body off of hers.

"I'm okay…I'm fine," she was muttering absentmindedly as he pulled her into his arms, crushing her to his chest as if she had just survived a grave danger.

Finally, the vampire let go, and the couple's attention returned the brunette Slayer. "Oh my God, Angel," Buffy whispered quietly, gripping his hand.

Go to the next story Choices and Belonging

Send feedback to Mariah

Back to the Fanfiction Archive