Home

Home

Rating: umm...I'm thinking along the lines of PG...in the meantime. Who knows what the future might bring:).
Disclaimer: nope, last time I checked, nothing was mine.
Spoilers: well...better safe than sorry: everything up to the end of season 3 can be spoilery.
Synopsis: I have a strange drive to rewrite season 3 of BtVS. I just don't seem to like the way it ended...beats me why. Anyway, so despite the fact that the original plan was to begin with "Helpless" (that's around the time everything really started getting screwed up B/A-wise), as you can see, plan's changed and I'm going to start with "Anne". If you expect to find in this series events/quotes from the original season....I seriously mean it - I'll try my hardest keeping them to the very minimum. But all in all - it's probably a yet another attempt to end the season on a more "positive" B/A level. See how it goes:).
Pairing: the conventional ships: B/A, W/O, C/X. If I decide to torture any/all of them, you'll be the first to know:).
Distribution: ask first.
Feedback: please, yes, please.

Close your eyes
Let me touch you now
Let me give you something that is real
Close the door
Leave your fears behind
Let me give you now what you're giving me
You are the only thing
That makes me want to live at all

- Vast, "Flames"

************

The Slayer yawned and stretched out like a kitten, blinking away the last traces of sleep. She rotated on her side and smiled, when her still sleepy eyes encountered Angel's, who had been clearly watching her for some time already. His expression remained intent, as though she was the only thing he was seeing.

Buffy rolled on her stomach and lay one hand on the pillow by her face, while the other remained limp by the side of her body, all the while, keeping her drowsily shining eyes on the vampire. "You know," she yawned again, "one more sleepover of that kind, and mom will lock me in my bedroom and nail the window and door."

Angel remained silent. Slowly, one of his hands crept up to the pillow and he slid his palm under Buffy's, wordlessly entwining his fingers with hers.

The blonde smiled, and brought his hand to her lips, and mildly kissed the cool flesh. "I can't believe I say that, but getting grounded can actually be worth it," she observed, and moved Angel's hand to lay on her neck, closing her eyes in delight to the feathery feel of his touch.

He let his hand to gently roam over her neck and rear, caressing her tanned skin. "You should go," he observed finally, and moisturized his lips, but didn't even try to draw his hand back from her.

"I already said that," the blonde remarked, then sighed, averting her eyes for a moment. "Angel?" she asked, eyeing the white sheet instead of her boyfriend. "In a couple of weeks it's…" she swallowed, and dared to look up, "it's Christmas."

He beheld her for a moment in silent quandary.

"Yeah, I don't exactly make much sense to myself either, at the moment," his girlfriend chuckled, then drew in a sharp breath and bit her lower lip. "Angel?" she gazed up at him, having obvious trouble finding the words for what she wanted to say, or rather, uttering them. "I'd like us to…to spend it together. Christmas, I mean," she cleared herself up. "I want to come here on Christmas Eve, and…and spend it with you."

The brown-haired vampire peered at her for a long spell, not saying anything in response. Her announcement didn't seem so major on first impression, after all, there had been rarely nights she had spent *away* from him after his return from Hell, which had occurred some months ago. He had almost gotten used to waking up in the morning, to the sight of her getting ready for school, or with dawn, getting ready to go home, and sneak into her room through the window before her mother would notice her absence, or simply curled up next to him. And naturally, with all his righteousness, he couldn't help but feel disappointment when he would wake up and *not* find her. But she had never found it necessary to inform him prior to staying the night, mostly because they would usually simply drift off into sleep. But even when it had been planned, it had never been a matter of such importance like the one she had given it a few moments ago. A sixth sense prompted him it was about more than staying over for Christmas.

And he was right.

"Angel?" Buffy's voice made him level eyes with her again. "When I come…for Christmas?" she swallowed, unsure of how to put her request into words. "I don't want to go back."

He knew that. As astounded as he was to hear that, he knew it was coming. What was he supposed to say now? They both had been trying to keep the pace in which their relationship was progressing as slow as was possible, hence the subject had never come up, and he had to admit, at least by him, had never even been contemplated over. Both he and Buffy knew there was no more danger to his soul following his return, but even that hadn't been a good enough reason to bring their relationship to *that* level. And now…this?…

"You know, the whole 'conversation' concept we talked about?" Buffy's voice tore him from his thoughts, and as amused as she was striving for it to be, it was also trimmed with certain dejection and chagrin. "It's pretty much all about 'I talk, you talk back', and it'll be a real help in this case, by the way, since an answer is sort of a must here." She gave him a pointed look, with a hidden glimpse of derision that didn't escape Angel's eye, and then sighed. "It's okay if your answer is 'no'…you know," she gestured indifferently with her hand. "Or you can say you need to think about it, which is also a 'no', but…you can say that." She fixed her expectant gaze on his again, hungry for any kind of response, but obviously only really interested in one.

"I-I…" Angel stuttered, sitting up and looking away from her. "I don't know," he finally managed.

"*That* wasn't one of the options," Buffy pointed out, with an edge of sarcasm in her voice. Then she sighed, seemingly willing to accept his offer. "Angel," she lay a hand on his thigh, squeezing it gently and making him look down at her. "It's okay, I…I get it. I won't rush into anything. Okay?" she searched his eyes for an answer for a beat, then went on. "Do it. Think about it," she took a deep breath, "take your time, just…let me know?" she requested, and took a few moments to study the soft brown of his eyes again, but eventually gave up. She nodded, and climbed from the bed, her eyes roaming the room for the place where she had left her clothes. The old T-shirt she slept in certainly wasn't something she could ever wear to school, and she was already late for first period.

"It's a step," she heard him say out of the blue, his voice rather uncertain, as if a part of him couldn't even believe he was considering the possibility.

"Everything in life is," the Slayer replied, pulling on her pants. "That's that darn old-fashioned interpretation to going *forward*."

"You're angry," he breathed out.

"I'm not angry," she huffed, zipping the slacks up. "When I'm angry, you'll be the first to know."

"It's the *wrong* step," he whispered, unable to look at her.

Buffy roughly let go of the zipper. "*Now*, I'm angry," she bridled, her gaze demanding an explanation. "I'm all ears."

"It's too soon-"

"Too soon?! When *isn't* it going to be too soon for you, then?" she drew in a sharp breath, holding out her hand, palm-up. "I'm going to school now," she informed, with all the tranquility she could conjure up at the moment. "Then, I'm going home. I never said you needed to jump in the air out of happiness and yell out the word 'yes' in response to what I asked you, but I think it *at least* deserves a consideration instead of the typical 'Buffy, it's wrong'. When you feel you're sharing that opinion, look me up."

She grabbed the shirt she was planning to wear, and her jacket and school bag, and exited the room.

*****************

"You know what I'm gonna say," Willow shrugged, as the girls were strolling through the Sunnydale high campus. "Angel's right."

Buffy glanced at her. "You're *my* friend, aren't you supposed to be on my side?"

"I *am* on your side, Buffy, only in the long run," the redhead explained. "And Angel is right."

"How is he right?" the Slayer exclaimed. "Honestly, Willow, *how* can he possibly be right?! All I did was to ask my *boyfriend* if I could move in with him, what's so *wrong* about that?!"

Willow sighed. Naturally, the Slayer wasn't aware of that, but one of the aspects of her renewed relationship with her vampire boyfriend was her constant need for closure with him. It probably could be blamed on their joint past, on everything that had happened to them, on his death mostly, and it would be only rational. But whatever it was, fact remained that Buffy needed closure with him, all the time, and the more, the better. The only problem was that thought Angel wanted the exact same thing, he had always been the more rational and level-headed among the two, which seldom drove him to do things Buffy didn't like, because they only resulted in depriving her from the closure they had already shared. Any closure, and especially physical, were becoming more and more a necassity, for the Slayer the most, but for the vampire as well. And though to some point, Willow could understand that, considering everything the couple had been through, it was also disturbing, especially when something as seemingly trivial as this could initiate such emotional turmoil in her best friend. She had no idea what she could possibly say to her at that point, no idea at all. "He wants to take it slow," she suggested gently, carefully.

The Slayer gazed at her helplessly for a while before speaking again. "How slow is that?" she inquired quietly.

By that time, the girls reached a bench, and the Slayer sat down, causing her friend to do the same. "Will, I love him," she tried to explain, the tone of her voice almost verging despair.

The witch touched her arm comfortingly. "But why does it mean you have to move in with him, these things have nothing to do with one another," she tried to make reason out of the situation. "You never lived together before, and it never bothered you. Even spending as much time together as you do these days…you never used to do that before. What changed? What initiated this sudden need for more?"

Buffy cast her eyes to the ground and wound her fingers together to put an end to the restlessness of her hands. "I can't lose him, Will, I…I'm afraid I'll lose him," she confessed inaudibly.

The redhead's eyes widened and narrowed in utter misunderstanding. "*What* ever made you even contemplate the idea?"

"I feel that…that if I don't keep him…close to me, with me…I'll lose him," Buffy didn't answer her question. "I don't know what I'm gonna do, if…if I wake up one day and…and he'll be gone." She finally turned to look at her friend, her eyes glistening with tears.

"No…" Willow shook her head.

"Yes," the blonde cut in emphatically. "Do you know why he turned me down today?"

The witch remained silent, indicating for the Slayer to go on.

"Not because he didn't want to," Buffy smiled ruefully at the thought. "I could see it in his eyes…I could see how much he wanted to. But he said 'no'…because he didn't *allow* himself to want. And that's the point, Will," she groaned. "If I don't stop that…if I don't make him *do* what he *wants*, I'll lose him. Because," she laughed tensely, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand and briefly looking away from Willow, "because its only a matter of time before he wants to stay so *much*, that he'll leave me. And I can't let that happen," she shook her head firmly. "Not after I got him back. I can't lose him."

Willow considered it for a few moments, though it wasn't nearly enough to analyze half the situation. She knew that attempting to make her friend see the rational aspect of things would be to no avail, but the problem was that she couldn't tell her what she wanted to hear either. "Well, maybe…maybe it's a good thing too," she tried picking her words carefully, not to come out to blunt. "Maybe you two need a break. To think things through…a little break is good…sometimes," she shrugged, her eyes skeptically wandering over the Slayer's features, trying to guess her thoughts.

But Buffy merely shook her head. "No," she asserted. "No, Willow, a break…for Angel and I…it can be just that – a break, but it can also mean things I'm not ready to accept, under any circumstances. A break is not an option. What we need, what *I* need is to make him see that it's *okay* to want what he wants, to…to tell me he loves me without condemning himself for that for the rest of his life. That's what we need," she inhaled a deep breath and cleared her throat, standing up. "But he doesn't even let me try," she whispered, brushing away the remnants of tears.

Willow gulped, nodding to herself in silent capitulation. "You're going?" she looked up at the blonde Slayer.

"Yeah," Buffy replied evenly. "I gotta meet up with Giles, and then I promised Faith I'd drop by. I'll help her cutting down the vampire's population on our very own Hellmouth," she smirked, not really in the mood for jokes of any kind. "Then we'll go do some damage control…cut down a little more. Believe it or not, but I'm actually in the mood for some Faith-type action."

"Figures," the witch acknowledged softly and gazed down on her hands, as the Slayer headed off in the direction of the library.

"You better have a damn good explanation for this," a male voice startled her from her thoughts, and her head shot up, her eyes meeting the incensed ones of her childhood friend.

************

"Faith," the blonde glanced at her companion, as the two Slayers were making their way towards the Summers' house. Buffy's mother had left for art buying earlier that day and wasn't expected until tomorrow, and since spending the night with Angel was out of the question, Buffy had joined her sister-Slayer for a patrol-into-the-night, which eventuated in returning home around one o'clock.

"Present," the brunette raised her hand casually.

Buffy offered a small smile at that. "You know…since I'm officially plan-less as far as it has to do with Christmas…I was wondering," she stopped in front of the door and reached for the key in her pocket. "Are you doing anything special?" she asked, while unlocking the door.

Faith shot her an odd look and silently walked through the door Buffy held open for her.

After the blonde Slayer also entered the house and locked the door behind the two of them, she smirked. "Did mommy set you up to this?" she asked, leaning her weight against a wall.

Buffy eyed her for a spell. "I'm just trying to be nice, you know," she muttered. "The least you can do is cooperate. It'll be greatly appreciated, honest."

"Sorry," the brunette Slayer held up her hands in defense. "Just a little hard for me to believe you'd rather spend Christmas Eve with me of all people. What about your honey, I thought you'd be seeing him on Christmas?"

The blonde sighed. "My honey is not seeing *me* on Christmas," she supplied evenly.

"Trouble in paradise?" her sister-Slayer instantly jumped on the opportunity to dig deeper into Buffy's life, but was let down just as quickly.

"I'm *really* not talking about that," the blonde denied her, as the two made their way up the stairs to her bedroom to put all the weapons back in the box.

"That's sucks, girlfriend," Faith groaned. "Big time."

"Yeah, Faith, that's why it's called Buffy's *private* li-"

"Buffy," Angel rapidly stood up from her bed the second his girlfriend opened the door into the room. His eyes darted nervously from one Slayer to the other.

Buffy was staring at him for a few moments, allowing Faith to completely slip her mind, focusing instead on restraining herself from jumping into his arms. There was nothing she wanted more that moment than the feel of those strong arms close around her body, pressing it to his wide muscular chest…

She shook her head, and her pained and surprised expression nearly dissolved into anger. "What are you doing here?" she asked, continuing into the room, and seemingly oblivious to his presence there, kneeling by the weapons' chest and putting in a couple of stakes and a large wooden cross. "Are you going to honor me with an answer at some point?" she stood back up and faced him, with her arms folded imperiously on her chest.

He swallowed, then glanced at Faith, who was still standing at the door and watching them both. The expression in her eyes was an odd mixture of abomination and interest. Then he looked back at his girlfriend, who had let her guards fall temporarily, but they were instantly restored the moment she felt his eyes on her. He suddenly didn't care if they had an audience or not.

The vampire paced over to her, gently took her hand, and gracefully raised it to his lips to softly brush them over the upside of her palm, never breaking eye contact with her, watching as her eyes were melting with every passing second.

The Slayer shakily raised her other hand and placed her palm on his chest, atop the stillness of his long dead heart. She drew closer, until her forehead lightly came in contact with the fabric of his black shirt, all the while, not even trying to pull her hand out of his.

"Angel?" his name came out a rough whisper, loaded with emotion. She leaned in, inhaling his scent and holding it in for a moment, before exhaling the air with a small sob. Her fingers clutched his shirt as she buried her face in his chest. "I-I can't…"

He let go of her hand, causing it to sluggishly drop to her side, and put his both hands on her shoulders, slightly pulling her back from him to create eye contact. He reached an index finger to catch a tear that had been hanging loosely from her eyelash, as his own eyes started to water. "Come home with me," he whispered. "Come home with me…and we'll talk then, I promise. But please," he propped her chin up with his forefinger, "come home with me?"

The Slayer peered at him silently for a moment, her eyes boring into his dark pools. Then she reached a hand for his cheek and held it there for a moment, before brushing it down to his neck, as her other hand traveled to his rear. As he gently pulled her closer, she snaked both arms around his neck, pressing her face to his chest, thus answering his question without words.

The brunette Slayer sighed, and slightly shook her head, before letting herself out.

The End

Go to the next story Sometimes You Lose

Send feedback to Mariah

Back to the Fanfiction Archive