I'm wrapped up in the warmth
Of an unforgiving mind
I'm on vacation in another time

- Vast, "Land of Shame"

*****

"Buffy?"

The Slayer's head shot up, and she almost dropped the book she was reading to the floor. "Y-yeah?" she stuttered, gazing up at her Watcher.

He peered at her for a moment, then adjusted his glasses. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah," she nodded quickly. "Why?" she frowned.

Giles gestured at her book. "You've been reading that page for over forty minutes, I think it takes less than that." He reached for the book, and Buffy reluctantly allowed him to take it. "The Mystery of Acathla," Giles read the title aloud, then looked at his Slayer. When she averted her eyes, his gaze softened, and he sighed. Putting the book aside, he sat down next to her on the step and took off his glasses. "I thought we talked about it," he remarked gently.

Buffy nodded.

"Then how come you're researching Acathla? Kakistos is a bit more pressing at moment, I think," he reminded her the reason they had started researching in the first place. Kakistos really was their current top priority, but Buffy didn't seem to care much about him. Giles had noticed she had been distant and withdrawn recently, but he couldn't blame it on anything but that she simply still hadn't recovered from losing Angel. Obviously, he had no idea what was truly going on with her life, though Buffy wanted to tell him every day. When Faith had told them all about Kakistos after the vampire had arrived to Sunnydale, he was on some levels happy with the opportunity. He inwardly hoped a good slay would be the best cure for Buffy, and at least for a spell, would take her thoughts off of Angel. However, taking in the state of things as they were, he had misjudges the situation. She couldn't even read the right book. He sighed again, and looked up. The last thing he wanted was talking about Angel, let alone talking about bringing Angel back, but maybe, if he just answered her questions…

"What were you looking for?" he asked.

"Ha?" Buffy didn't seem to understand his question's point. "Looking for?"

"In the book," he gesticulated with his head at said book.

She gazed at him, then glanced at the book, then looked back at her Watcher. "Stuff," was all she could reveal.

"What…stuff?" he pried. "Maybe you don't have to look, maybe you can just ask me."

Buffy looked at him. Yes, she could ask him, it would have probably been a much faster and more beneficial way to retrieve the needed information than looking through dozens of dusty volumes, in which she sometimes couldn't understand every second word. The problem was that she didn't *want* to ask him. She didn't *want* him to answer questions about Angel, and she didn't want him to talk or think about Angel. Because she didn't want him to think about Jenny. Because no one knew like her what it was like having the person you love die.

"It's nothing," she shook her head.

"Buffy," Giles reached for her arm as she leaned over for a book, this time, related to Kakistos.

She sighed, looking back at him, waiting for him to say what he had in mind.

"I understand what you're doing," her Watcher continued, "and I'm…grateful. I truly am. But there are things that...being a Watcher, I must put aside, in order to concentrate on what's even more important."

"This is hardly the case," she smirked. It wasn't new to her that things that were important to *her* weren't nearly as *important* to the Watcher's Council, or the essence of her calling.

"I disagree," he dissented.

"You don't mean it," the Slayer shook her head.

"Buffy-"

"You can't possibly understand…"

"It doesn't bloody matter what I mean!" he exclaimed, standing up, scaring them both with his impulsive outburst. "Or understand," he went on, lowering his voice as he sat back down. "I am trying…I *want* to help you, but you…won't let me. You cannot hold everything in," he peered at her hopefully, "and you can't shut yourself from everything forever."

Buffy swallowed. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "Maybe you shouldn't try anymore, then. This," she bit her lip, momentarily casting down her eyes, "this is all I can give right now."

"I can't accept that," Giles simply let her know.

"Well, it just happens that you don't have much of a choice, do you?" she looked away, feeling her eyes tear up, but endeavoring to keep them dry. It wasn't the time for tears. She wanted to tell him, she wanted it more than anything, but…what if it was just too much to tell?…

She turned to her Watcher, who was gazing at her with hopeless eyes. It was clear he was running out of things to say to her to make her open up. Buffy sighed. He had been supportive in a way her case didn't deserve for the past few days. She owed him that much. She owed him something…she owed him everything. "You…you really wanna know?" she asked.

Giles looked up, surprise written allover his face. It was certainly the last thing he had expected to hear from her at that point. "Of course," he nodded.

Buffy gulped. "There are things…you need to promise…"

"Promise?" he didn't understand.

She nodded. "Promise. You need to promise to try to…understand, why I did these…things," she finally managed the sentence, with apparent difficulties.

"You *did* things?" he probed. Judging by her expression, he couldn't even guess what she could have done that would be so horrible.

"I should have told you," she whispered, her voice small and almost begging for forgiveness. "I should have told you before, I know that, but-"

"Good morning, library!" Xander's cheerful voice cut into their conversation, startling both of them.

Buffy inhaled a deep breath. She wasn't sure whether it was a salvation, or not...

The boy didn't even notice he walked in on something important, and strode the rest of his way towards Slayer and Watcher, with Cordelia, oz, Willow and Faith in tow.

Giles stood up awkwardly, and struggled to put his glasses back on the bridge of his nose. "S-shouldn't you…be in-in your classes now?" he stammered.

"Nooo…since it's our break," Xander hopped on the nearest table, knocking off some books. "Mystery of Acathla," he read the cover of one of them. Instantly, he sobered, and looked at Giles and Buffy. "What's that supposed to mean?" he motioned at the book.

"It's supposed to mean it's hardly your business," the Slayer retorted. She stood up, and wordlessly grabbed the book from Xander, on her way out of the library.

"Where are you going?" the boy demanded, following her.

"I recently developed something that prevents me from staying in the same room with you for over five seconds," she shot back, and exited the library.

"At least she didn't go completely mental over the summer," Cordelia observed.

Xander ignored his girlfriend's remark and went back to his seat.

"*What* is wrong with you?" Willow asked him.

"With me?" he motioned at himself, giving her a look. "How about little Ms. I'm-too-good-to-talk-to-either-of-you who's just stormed out of here?"

"Lay off," Willow warned him. "I mean it this time, that's enough." She shook her head. "I can't believe Buffy still hasn't put you in your place."

Xander peered at her in slight disbelief and astonishment at the untypical hostility of her tone, then scanned the rest of the people in the room. "Is *anybody* going to support me here?" he asked.

Nobody said a word. Giles tried his hardest to appear invested in a book, while Oz didn't show any particular interest, as was expected. Willow was gazing at him, her green eyes disappointed more than anything else, and Faith was sitting cross-legged on a table, far more interested in toying with her stake than caring about what was going on around her. But of course, everyone knew she had been tuned in from the very beginning.

"Not as long as you're being an asshole," a reply finally came, from no other but Cordelia.

"Care to clear that up?" he inclined back on the table opposite to her, expectantly folding his arms on his chest.

His girlfriend wasn't impressed at all. "Leave Angel alone," she said. "He's dead, how much damage can he do to you now, anyway? Hey," she gestured at herself, "I miss him going all psycho-killer on us like the next sane person, but at least I have *some* brains left in me, not to mention that in front of Buffy on daily basis, which is so much more than I can say for you, Harris. Give your ego a break," she advised, "or else it's gonna blow."

"I don't see how, with your still here," he retorted snidely.

"Whatever," she rolled her eyes. "Why do I even bother, I ask myself."

"Is this the 'Angel fan club' or something?" he let his eyes wander over the people present. "Are you *all* out of your minds?!"

"Mine's just fine," Oz observed with a shrug.

Xander couldn't believe the indifference he was receiving from each and every one of them. "You're *all* willing to let a murdered run loose?!"

"For Heaven's sake, he's dead, Xander!" Giles finally stepped in. "You have proved your point, enough already!"

"I can't believe I'm getting it from *you*..."

"I beg your pardon?" the Watcher raised his brow.

"Did you forget all about Ms. Calendar?" Xander seemed to have learned his speech by heart, knowing exactly which buttons to push. "How about the fact he tortured you for hours before we found you?!"

Giles narrowed his eyes. "Don't you dare bringing Jenny into this," he hissed. "I *won't* allow you to belittle her memory in order to built yourself a defense line, do you understand?" he seemed to be waiting for a response, but the boy didn't supply one and Giles went on. "And under no circumstances will you receive *any* support from me. I may have my reasons to do whatever I do, but in *no* way do these reasons justify your behavior!" Saying that, he entered his office and shut the door behind him.

"Does anyone else have anything to add?" Xander turned at the remaining Willow, Oz, Cordelia and Faith, throwing his hands up in despair.

"Yeah," Faith jumped from the table she'd been sitting on, "I'm off," she announced, on her way to the swinging doors of the library, pocketing her stake, not giving actual notice to anyone present. "Maybe I'll run into B., we'll have some *real* fun."

"I doubt it," Willow muttered, also standing up. "I gotta go," she whispered in her boyfriend's ear, "I'll see you later?"

"Sure," he nodded, and gently kissed her lips.

The redhead grinned, drawing away from Oz, and grabbing her school bag. She sighed, and strode over to where Xander stood. She rose on her tiptoes and leaned over to his ear. "I know you're being a jerk, and you know you're being a jerk," she whispered, then pulled back. When she found his gaze, her face was completely serious. "Just tell her you're sorry," she told him. "You owe her that." After holding his gaze for a few additional seconds, she left the library.

****

"Hey," Willow grinned, walking over to where Buffy was sitting on the grass, in the shadow of a large tree.

The Slayer looked up, and on seeing the newcomer, instantly closed the book she had been reading, sighing. "Hey," she returned her friend a smile.

"Mind if I join you, or are you shunning from the rest of the world?" she asked jokingly.

Buffy offered a grin. "I'm a senior," she shrugged, "hence legally allowed to leave school for lunch, remember?"

Willow sat down next to her. "What have you been trying to find?" she was referring to the book.

Buffy groaned. "I don't know," she confessed, and after receiving a confused look from her friend, continued. "As in, really don't know. I don't even have the first idea as to what I'm looking for."

The redhead frowned.

"Tell me about it," the blonde confirmed with a nod. "It's just…that entire situation…it's throwing me." She lowered her voice to a little above whisper. "I have a vampire who's recently returned from the dead under my care, and I don't have a clue how, why, where or when. I need answers, and I don't have anyone to ask. And I don't even know the questions," she hissed.

"How is Angel?" Willow inquired, her fingers nervously plucking scraps of grass.

Buffy beheld her lingeringly, then sighed. "The same," she eventually filled her in. "As if he's not even there."

The redhead nodded, forcing her hands to relax. "I'm sorry," she whispered sadly.

"Yeah," Buffy breathed out the word, her voice full of painful sarcasm, "that makes two of us."

The End

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