Disclaimer: Always having to state this I repeat: no.
Distribution: My hosts, and my sites. Email me otherwise.
AN: This is actually the year of the Ram/Sheep next year to the site I looked up said it was to be the Year of the Monkey. So humor if I'm wrong and pretend it is.
Summary: Chinese New Year one year from now on Buffy's senior year in college.
Rating: PG
Pairing: Buffy POV on her relationship with Angel.
Spoilers: Vague references to season 7/4 and hinted spoilers from other fans.
Feedback please!
***Tissue Warning***

The celebration hit the whole town. Probably the only one in this rural region to celebrate Chinese New Year that goes on from noon to midnight on February 8th, a month and a couple of days after the Julian calendar's celebration. It started buzzing around the college, filling up the idle chatter and settled down in the heart of every person.

But even this New Year dragged her down, pulled her under the weight of depression. February 8th was just six days before Valentine's, also it was still the winter months. The time of yearly moping and heartache. It was the time of year she begged for snow.

The snow never came.

Neither did he.

Her friends hummed with the excitement of the day, for them it was another time to be happy go lucky, for her, it was another night to slay. More so, because of the holidays. The year of the Ram is drawing nigh, and soon, oh so soon, the year of the Monkey will come.

The fourth year without him. Her fourth year in college. Third year since she had any contact at any point in the year with him however minute. Memories weren't going to get her anywhere. They weren't go to make her happy, just sad and lonely.

Her mind and her heart were against her as everything that ever happened between them ran like surround sound movie clips. They were painful to watch, and she excused herself from the class running out with her books.

The hall rang with the echoes of her pounding footsteps as she hurried to her safety. Skidding, she backtracked and threw open the door to the bathroom, slipping inside. After checking no one was in, she locked it and fell to the floor.

Head thrown back against the titled wall, her face reddened with her tears and heated her skin. The tears were hot and sticky, salty and thick, clinging along their path to the floor. Her nose clogged up and her breathing hitched with the effort not to cry. It hurt too much to cry.

When she finally calmed, she stood and walked to the mirrors gazing at a reflection she did not recognize. Did not know. The girl looking back was not the happy highschooler who had been madly in love with a vampire.

Her vampire.

Her eyes itched from so much crying, and her face was still flushed. Turning on the water, she cupped the cool liquid into her palms and brought it up to her face. After a few hnadfuls, only her eyes showed that she had been crying hard as she dried her face with a paper towel.

Taking a deep breath she walked out of the bathroom and saw that the sky was nearing dusk, nearing the night. Laughing without mirth, she walked away from the bathroom and out of the college a stake already in the sleeve of her shirt.

It was the only escape she had.

(and) it wasn't much, for it too had memories.

She avoided those places often.

The sound of drums and laughter, let her know that she had walked to the only Chinese restaurant in fifty miles. The Rangoon Dragon. Basically paying homage to the rangoon it served and the creature the culture was known for.

Her eyes caught through the glimpses between the mass of people the intricate dance between the five under the dragon skin and the dragon tamer. Five steps followed into a circular pattern around twin polls and the dragon moved ever closer.

The appearance of flying, showed the actors as they readied to change people. The switch came effortlessly, and the show was on again. However the crowd closed in blocking her view. Just as well, she had to patrol.

To be a part of the world and yet not in it.

That was the role of the slayer.

To be there and never seen.

She saw Xander and Willow in the crowd, the only two left of the original Scooby core. The only two besides her. Giles had gone to England, Cordy to LA, Oz to Tibet. Wesley, a late comer was also in LA, and Tara had died from a vampire attack, for which Willow still grieved over.

Spike had left for Africa and the wild women as he put jokingly when he stomped on his cigarette and left on a bus that night. By then Riley had gone to South America with his commandos, and the figure of Dawn, who had come so briefly into their lives was as dead as she once was. Her mother had died her sophomore year, and nothing has been the same.

High school was over. There were only three left; and one stayed because she had to, the other stayed to be a part of it all, and the last stayed because there was no where else to go. It was sad to see, but their faces were pink from happiness and laughter, and their eyes were shining joyously.

It was a nice thing to watch.

The drums went wild, sounding through the night as the celebration began to end. The dragon had been put up, and all the actors came out for their individual finales. She didn't stay, turning, she headed away from the people she never knew despite living here in this small town for over five years.

But she knew the cemeteries. She knew their quiet presence and she knew the night.

Once long ago, she had known him as well. Once so long ago.

Everything had changed and yet through it all only one part of her denied changing. Her heart still knew what it wanted more then anything. Still cried for its match, as her mind did for its companion, just as her soul cried for its mate, and her body for its lover.

Prowling the dark recesses of the town that lived over the hellmouth showed nothing, was nothing. There was nothing to kill, nothing to slay. The clock struck eleven. Her being here had been a waste of time, time she could have tried to put into her normal life expectancies.

That life wasn't hers.

Would never be hers.

If only a normal life included the one person she missed so much she whole sense of self shut down without him. Without that vampire.

A slayer in love with a vampire? It was true, but four years have passed since they spoke words of love. She still thought it, and aimed her love towards him every now and then. He never returned, he never kept his promises, and love had died on his end.

He had had perfect happiness with another woman, and a child with yet another.

Willow showed her empathy by stopping her telling of the news from when she came back from restoring his soul one more time. The clause was gone in it. That was a year and a half ago and still he never showed.

Forever had truly died.

Did it matter anymore?

Her whole being cried yes, but there was nothing she could do.

Would do?

He deserved the love he had found, even if it wasn't with her.

Even… even if.

Letting herself into the dormitory she didn't remember walking towards. Opening the door silently, she threw the bags she had been carrying since the classroom she had fled against the far wall. The dorm was her own because of her seniority. It was a pretense she kept up for this normal life she just had to have.

Bills would need paying, and an apartment to be bought after getting out, and a job needed to be found.

Her places was the shadows, her hope the light shining dimly from the stars in the night sky.

Her hand stilled on the light switch, as her eyes picked up movement. Oh God. Her body tightened in hope, she thought her heart would stop in joy. Immediately she threw the switch, watching the bulky shadow.

Her voice whispered questionably, "Angel?"

But the light revealed no one, and the shadows were just shadows. She had fooled herself once again, and her heart bled.

The year of the Monkey came at midnight with the bleeping of her wrist watch, even as tears gathered under her eyes.

He was never coming home.

Send feedback to Meghan

Back to the Fanfiction Archive