RATING: PG-13
DISCLAIMER: Not mine. The title comes from a line in the Whitney Houston song "All at Once."
SUMMARY: After a phone call from Cordelia, Buffy goes to L.A. to talk some sense into Angel.
SPOILERS: Anything up until now is fair game. Small spoilers for Reprise and Epiphany.
DISTRIBUTION: Land of Denial, my site: , anyone else who wants it, ask first.
** denotes flashback **

The bus wasn't moving fast enough for Buffy. The two hour trip to L.A. seemed to be taking days. She stared out the window watching the landscape as it passed by; trees and houses and fields that seemingly went on endlessly. All she wanted to do was find Angel and tell her how wrong she was, how wrong he was, and then make it up to him in any way possible. Either way, she wasn't going to leave Los Angeles without convincing him. She had to get through to him.

**You keep me at a distance, Buffy. You didn't even call me when your mom went into the hospital.**

**It's about letting me in.**

Riley's words still floated through her mind, repeating almost every minute of every day. As much as it hurt when he'd said them to her in her training room behind the Magic Box, they were true. She hadn't let him in, never let him truly know her or ever truly love her. Only one man had had that privilege.

**I gave you everything that I have. My heart, my body and my soul.**But it wasn't true. She'd never really given Riley any more than her body. She let him kiss her, hold her, touch her and even make love to her. As for her heart and soul? They cried out for another whenever Riley had her body. Riley was never love; Buffy could never have loved him the way she loved Angel. Some loves transcended time and space, and her love for Angel did exactly that.

She was sure that was the real reason behind Riley leaving for South America. He wanted to get away, allow her to sort out her feelings for him and Angel. It had been hard at the time, all Buffy wanted was for someone to hold her and comfort her the way Riley had done. She moped around for weeks, crying over his loss, missing him more than she could even bear to talk about. But she found a way to talk to her friends.

It had been different when Angel left her a year and a half ago. She'd kept it all - her thoughts, feelings and tears - bottled up inside of her. None of her friends could have possibly understood what she was going through and the pain she felt. She became withdrawn and introverted, keeping all of her friends and even her family at a distance. It went on for the length of the summer before beginning college. No matter what Buffy did, the pain just wouldn't go away. And it never did. There was a void in her heart that could never be filled by anyone but Angel.

She still loved and needed Angel as much as she had when she was sixteen. The mere thought of him and mention of him would send her heart into flip flops, bringing back all those old feelings. After all the time since he left for L.A., she kept a picture of him buried in her sock drawer, taking it out and looking at it whenever she felt the urge to talk to him, see him or call him.

Then Cordelia called. It was the week after Riley broke up with her when her old high school friend phoned with a desperate plea. Angel - Buffy's Angel - had lost his grip on good and was tumbling along a path toward darkness. He'd pushed his friends away, firing them without so much as a reason why, cutting himself off from the world outside.

According to Cordelia, it was thanks to a law firm called Wolfram and Hart. They were playing games with Angel's mind, sending assassins to kill him among other things. Buffy's heart nearly stopped when her friend told her what had sent the vampire over the edge. Darla. He'd given up fighting good and devoted himself to stopping Darla and Drusilla, obsessing over them day and night. Cordelia and Wesley needed her, as did Angel. And Buffy couldn't let them, or Angel, down.

*****

"We appreciate you coming here," Wesley said to Buffy once she sat down on the couch in Cordelia's apartment. "Particularly with what's been going on in Sunnydale. I understand from conversations with Mr. Giles that you've been busy with someone named Glory."

Buffy nodded. "Not a someone. She's a god. And she's after Dawn."

"Who's Dawn?" Cordelia asked.

"My sister."

"Since when do you have a sister?"

Buffy frowned. "It's a long story. To keep it short and sweet, Dawn was sent to me to protect and Glory is after her. Memories of her were placed in my mind, but I found out the truth a few weeks ago."

"Your memories were erased?" Wesley wanted to know.

"Let's just say that I remember everything now," she answered. 'Everything.'

The door to Cordelia's apartment opened and a tall, handsome black man entered. Buffy could only look at him, wondering who he was and what he was doing there. She didn't recognize him from her last two visits.

"You're late," Cordelia stated sharply.

"Excuse me, fair Miss Chase. Ran into a Filosk demon down on Martinson and it required my immediate attention." He looked at Buffy. "Hey."

"Hey," she replied.

Wesley decided to do the introducing. "Charles Gunn, this is Buffy Summers. Buffy, Charles Gunn."

"Hi, nice to meet you, Charles."

"Just Gunn. Two 'n's," he told her, holding up two fingers. "Wait a second. Buffy? You're the girl who makes Angel go all evil?"She solemnly nodded her head. "That's me. But it only happened once.""Apparently it only took one time," Gunn commented. He turned to Wesley and Cordelia. "What is it with Angel and blondes? Do they all make him go evil?"

Buffy paled. "Evil? Angelus is back? I was under the impression that he was headed toward darkness, not totally consumed by it. What's really going on here, guys?"

"Angel has not turned, Buffy, he's still Angel. He's different from before, though. He doesn't care about anything, at least nothing exceptkilling Darla, Drusilla and taking down Wolfram and Hart," Wesley informed her.

'It's like when he came back from Hell. Angel was so dark and just like an animal. So different,' Buffy thought. "What do I have to do?"

"Talk to him; convince him that what he's doing is wrong."

Cordelia stood up. "He's on a suicide mission, Buffy, and you are the only person who can get through to him. Angel's given up on his fight. He was doing so well, saving so many people; and the more souls he saves, the closer he gets to his shanshu."

"Shanshu? What's that mean?"

"He'll be granted his humanity after facing a certain number of demons and plagues and whatnot."

Buffy took a few seconds to comprehend what Wesley told her. "His humanity.Angel will be human?" she asked.

"Based on our translations, yes. But now with Darla and Drusilla back in the picture, Angel no longer cares about his future."

'Angel will be human. Living. My Angel will be a normal guy, like Riley. No curse, no blood-sucking. Daylight.picnics, children, making love, we can have everything we couldn't have before. And he's giving it all up?'

"Where is he?"

*****

Buffy entered the hotel, greeted by the sounds of silence. She half-expected to find Angel sitting on the couch, brooding as she walked in the door. "Angel?" she called.

No one answered. Buffy could feel his presence, just as she always could when he was near. He was in the building, that she knew for a fact. She walked through the parlor and then up the stairs in search of him. It felt to her like she was invading his privacy, his personal sanctuary, but if he was in as bad of shape as Wesley, Cordelia and Gunn claimed he was in, Buffy didn't care. She needed to find him and convince him that the world needed him; that she needed him.

When she reached the second floor, the tingle of his presence grew stronger. He was there, on that floor, in one of the many rooms. The only thing she had to do was figure out which one he was in.

It didn't take long. She opened a door halfway down the hall on the left, overcome with the scent of his cologne. "Angel?" she called again. "It's Buffy. I need to talk to you."

He wasn't in the living room area of his room. 'Where is he?' she asked herself. Then she saw the closed door on the right, concluding that it was his bedroom. It was mid-afternoon, after all, he must have been sleeping. Smiling at his predictability, Buffy turned the knob and thrust the door open.

She'd expected to find Angel lying asleep in his bed, but wasn't prepared to find Darla asleep next to him. Buffy choked back a scream, though she was unsuccessful. A high-pitched squeak came out and awakened the two vampires.

Angel sat up, making certain that his nakedness was covered by the comforter. Darla snickered at Buffy, holding the sheet to her chest. 'Maybe now that the Slayer is face to face with Angelus again, she'll go away. The boy is mine,' Darla thought. 'My boy is back.'

"Buffy," Angel began. "What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same question about Darla, but I already know the answer."

"It isn't what it looks like."

Buffy raised her eyebrows. "You mean you didn't just sleep with her? Because that's what it looks like."

Darla put her hand on Angel's bare shoulder. "Tell her, Angelus. She'll find out sooner or later anyway."

"Angelus?" Buffy repeated. "I was told you went dark, not evil."

"I'm not evil. I'm still Angel, Buffy. I still have my soul."

'Soul?' Darla said to herself. "How can you still have a soul? I made you happy, Angelus!"

He shook his head. "No, Darla. You've never made me happy. Not the way Buffy has."

"Yes, I did!"

"I don't know why I did it, but I did. What we shared was nothing but an empty night of passion. If you think it was anything more than that, you're sadly mistaken. Sex, Darla, not love," Angel explained. "I only had love with Buffy. Never with you."

"No! No!" She climbed off the bed, stood straight up and glared daggers at Angel. "I made you happy dammit! Not that little school girl."

Buffy cautiously made her way behind the enraged vampire. "If you made him so happy, then why does he still have a soul?"

"Shut up!"

"You know, Darla, there are only a few things in this world I regret. And one of them is that Angel staked you before I got a chance to. Now I get a second chance. Say night night, Darla." Buffy plunged a stake deep into her heart, causing Darla to explode into dust.

She looked into Angel's shocked eyes. "One problem solved," she stated."Is that why you came here?" he asked. "To stake Darla?"

"Why not? You were obviously having problems getting the job done. Or so I'd heard." Buffy had a hard time keeping the hurt out of her voice."I never planned for you to see that."

She bit her lip. "Well, you know what? I did, Angel. I came here to talk to you and instead, I found you in bed with another woman. Darla, no less. Do you have any idea how much that hurts me?"

"I remember how upset you were when you found me with Faith."

"Yeah, but see, there's a difference. You weren't lying naked in bed with Faith. I thought you were supposed to be hunting Darla, not having sex with her. At least that's what Cordelia and Wesley told me."

Angel reached for his pants, which lay on the floor only inches from the bed. "So that's why you're here. Because Wesley and Cordy asked you to. I get it now."

"No, Angel, I came because I care about you. I'm concerned about where you're heading. What happened to you? When did you suddenly stop caring about the rest of the world?" she demanded.

"To fight the darkness, you must become the darkness."

"You're obsessed with getting vengeance. That's not like you."

"Maybe you don't know me anymore, Buffy. I'm not the same guy I was when I last saw you. We're two different people, the two of us, with different lives. I have myself and you have your friends and Riley."

Buffy shook her head. "Riley's not in the picture anymore. We broke up weeks ago."

"Sorry to hear it."

"No, you're not. You didn't like him, remember?"

"Doesn't mean I wanted to see him hurt you."

She shrugged. "Riley cared more about being a human snack bar for vampires than he did for me. Plus, my heart wasn't really in the relationship." She took a deep breath, deciding to change the subject. "We need to talk, Angel. Or should I say, I need to talk and you need to listen."

"I don't want a lecture."

"That's too bad, 'cause you're going to get one. Everyone's worried about you, Angel. Cordelia called me up a couple weeks ago and told me what you did. Locking fifteen helpless people in a room with Darla and Drusilla, firing Cordy and Wesley and Gunn, and then turning your back on the rest of the world. What happened to protecting the innocent and saving souls?"

"That's what I've been doing."

"No, you haven't. You are on a one man suicide mission, hell-bent on righting the wrongs done to you. Do you know who's been out there saving souls and protecting the innocent? Cordelia and Gunn and Wesley. It's not their job."

He blinked. "I didn't ask them to do it. I have a mission, Buffy. Let me continue on with it."

"And stand by while you ruin the life you've built for yourself? No way. You are a wonderful person, Angel, and you've worked so hard to become that person."

"I'm not a person. I don't breathe, I don't have a pulse, so don't tell me I'm a person."

"That's not how I feel. You have this great life ahead of you. Or have you forgotten all about the prophecy?" Buffy questioned.

"How did you find out?"

"Cordelia and Wesley told me. You're going to be human and now you are throwing away all that work for nothing? Why would you do that?"

"I have to stop Darla and Drusilla," he told her.

Buffy nodded to the pile of ash on the floor. "Darla's dead. Tell me where Dru is and I'll take care of her, too. I owe her one for Kendra. Hence, problem solved."

"No, problem not solved. I'm not human yet and frankly, I honestly wonder if it'll ever happen."

"It will. And when it does, I'll be right by your side."

"If and when it does happen, it could be a lot of years down the road. You'll have forgotten by then," Angel said, convinced it was the truth. "Or dead."

Buffy shook her head in disagreement. "I won't forget. I'll neverforget."

Her words brought Angel back to a time and place lost to the two of them. She said that she'd never forget, but she did. "Yes, you will. Just go away, Buffy. I'm not your problem anymore."

"No. You'll always be my problem. Look, I've been doing a lot of thinking, especially since Riley left. I never loved him, Angel, not the way he loved me."

"Sorry."

"It's not your fault. I discovered something, something that changed me. I found out that Dawn is not really my sister. She's a key of some sort that I have to protect and memories of her were placed in my mind. My true memories came back to me; the way things really happened, things I wasn't supposed to remember."

Angel couldn't think of anything to say. "Oh.""I was going to come here to see you anyway, even if Cordelia hadn't called me. I remember it all, I know what really happened when I came to visit last Thanksgiving," Buffy divulged.

"How much do you know?"

Buffy smiled. "Pretty much everything. The Mohra demon, you being human, the kiss in the sunlight, the kitchen table breaking, chocolate and peanut butter.should I keep going?"

"You weren't supposed to remember," he mumbled.

"Well, I do. And we can have all that again if you just stop this," she said, tears burning her green eyes.

Angel looked down. "I don't know if I can."

"You can fight it. You're strong, and strong is fighting."

"You said that to me before."

"I meant it then and I mean it now. Do it, Angel. Do it for me, for you, for what we'll have when you become human," Buffy begged. "I know you have it in you to get out of this darkness."

Angel frowned. "What if it's too late? What if we never have those things?"

"We will."

"It might not happened. I've screwed things up too badly."

"Then keep holding on to those memories from last Thanksgiving. I'll always be here. If you get discouraged or if you feel like it's too much, you can turn to me; I love you. And so do Cordy and Wesley and Gunn. None of us want to see you like this."

He let it sink in. "I really screwed up."

"We all do once in a while. To err is human."

"And to forgive is divine. How can they forgive me for what I've done? I pushed them away when I needed them the most."

"I forgave you for everything you've done to me. They want to forgive you, I know it. Call them, Angel. Let them know you're back," Buffy prodded.

Angel made eye contact with her. "Thank you. I owe everything to you, Buffy. So much that I'll never be able to repay."

"Just make that prophecy come true. We've got a lot of time to make up for. I'll be waiting, no matter how long it takes."

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