Disclaimer: Joss and the WB and Fox own everything, except good common sense and any sort of respect for our feelings, alas. As for the song, Patsy Cline did angst before angst was cool.
Summary: Ooh, it's an angsty song-fic! Not a whole lot of new.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Definitely after 'The 'I' in Team'. Actually, I'm sort of assuming Buffy and Riley are going to work things out and go on with their awful-to-watch relationship.
Note: Look- I'm nice to Riley in this fic, consider yourselves warned. It's for the greater angst, I swear.

One day, Buffy stole one of Xander's Patsy Cline albums. She would have just borrowed it, but considering how 'happy' she was, he might have asked uncomfortable questions about her need to listen to the music of pain. Waiting until Willow was gone, she locked the door, and started playing the music.

/He takes me to
The places you
and I used to go/

She winced at the beginning of the song. She was supposed to be meeting Riley in fifteen minutes. Riley, her boyfriend. Riley, who worshipped the ground she walked on.

Riley, who was not Angel.

/He tells me over and over
That he loves me so
He gives me love
That I never got from you/

She had accidentally overheard Giles and Xander talking about how happy Riley seemed to be making her, about how cheerful she was when he was around, about the new spring in her step. Xander had said something about how she didn't cry anymore, not the way she always had when Angel was around.

She had almost laughed out loud. She still cried. She just didn't cry in public anymore.

/He loves me too
His love is true
Why can't he be you?/

She still remembered that morning she had awoken in Riley's bed. Even after the events of the previous evening, her dreams had still been about Angel. As she dragged herself out of sleep, she had wished so hard for the body next to hers to be the one she really wanted, but her wishes never seemed to come true anymore. There had been a time when she not only knew what she wanted, but even got close to having it.

Knowing what she wanted didn't make any difference anymore.

/He never fails
to call and tell
Me I'm on his mind
and I'm lucky
to have such a guy
I hear it all the time/

Riley was thoughtful, sweet, and human. He was probably almost exactly what Angel had envisioned her having- cheerful and tan and wholesome and a good match for her.

And it didn't matter, because she didn't want what was good for her if it meant that her heart was becoming emptier every day. She didn't want the perfect boyfriend. She didn't want a boy, she didn't want him. She didn't care that everyone thought she and Riley were the cutest couple they had ever seen. She didn't want to be cute. She wanted passion and love and destiny.

/And he does all the things
That you would never do
He loves me too
His love is true
Why can't he be you?/

She tried so hard to want him, to give herself to him freely. All she could seem to do, however, was play the part. Incapable of being honest with him or her friends, she became a caricature of the warm and caring individual she had once been. She smiled lovely but empty smiles, and she could feel herself becoming more and more distant from everyone she loved, all because she couldn't seem to tell them she was still undone. She was living the life of a hypocrite, breaking all the promises she had ever made to herself. Promises to be honest, promises to her friends, promises to the man she truly loved.

/He's not the one
Who dominates
My mind and soul
and I should love him so
'Cause he loves me, I know
But his kisses leave me cold/

Maybe if she had never known Angel, Riley could have ignited her, taught her about love. But she was a taken woman in her mind, however fiercely she tried to act differently. Her innate sense of justice reprimanded her every time Riley took her in his arms, every time he told her he loved her. He was a feeling, worthwhile person, and by spending his time with Buffy, he was making sure he wouldn't find a woman who was capable of loving him. She was using him to prove a point that wasn't true, telling the world that she could get over love, all the while knowing it was a lie.

/He sends me flowers
Calls all the hours
Just to prove his love
And my friends say
When he's around
I'm all he speaks of/

She was adored and cherished, taken care of and supported by a boy that most girls would be happy to get their hands on, and she still cried into her pillow when she woke up from Angel filled dreams. She pitied the people that envied their relationship, because no one would want it if they knew what she had once had. She had had perfection, she had known the glorious impossibility of true love.

She and Riley had already slipped into a state of comfortable couplehood, even after the short time they had been together. They greeted each other with gentle kisses, completed sentences for one another. She had a toothbrush at his room, along with a few sets of clothes. He already had a familiarity for her, and every time they laughed over one of their silly private jokes, a voice inside of her screamed for the real emotions that she had stopped feeling the minute she saw Angel walk away.

He had left her so that she could have a better life.

He had left her so that she could experience all the things he could never give her.

He had left her so she could rot in the hell of falsehood and mediocrity that her life had become.

He had left her.

/And he does all he things
That you would never do
He loves me too
His love is true
Why can't he be you?/

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