Disclaimer: All characters used in this story are the copyright property of Joss Whedon, The UPN, The WB, Mutant Enemy and Fox. All things associated with Buffy the vampire slayer are not mine…although I wouldn't mind them. This is just a bit of fun so don't sue me please!!
Spoilers: the gift, IWRY.. maybe some more.
Summery: Angel thinks of Buffy POV
Pairings: B/A as always
Rating: PG
Author Note: lyrics are `I miss you' by Darren Hayes. And once again I don't own these!!

// Gimme a reason
Why I'm feeling so blue
Every time I close my eyes, all I see is you
Gimme a reason
Why I can't feel my heart
Every time you leave my side, I just fall apart
And when you're fast asleep, I wonder where you go
Can you tell me, I wanna know//

The lightening outside sends glorious light shooting down the dark and dank halls of my now desolate home. The sound of the rumbling thunder rolling like an echo through the empty rooms and into my skull.

I don't even move I can't bring myself to anymore not after they told me you were dead `really dead' this time buried six feet under with the worms. It takes an enormous amount of strength to not just stake myself right here and now, but I stay alive for you knowing that you must be in heaven smiling and for once be feeling content. If I were to kill myself now then I would most certainly end up in hell a place someone like yourself could never end up.

// Because I miss you
And this is all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, beautiful
These three words have said it all
You know I miss you
I think about you when you're gone
I guess I miss you, nothing's wrong
I don't need to carry on//

For almost three years we sparsely spoke a few words here and there, some pedestrian phone calls that gave no indication to how I was feeling inside I never imagined I could miss you so much. Even though I had the opportunity to see you whenever I wanted to fear kept me away, fear that I would hurt you more than I already had done.

Though I now know that when I left you I hurt you the most, left you out to fend for yourself against the minions of hell when I should have been there every night for you to come home to. I should have been there when you sacrificed yourself. Maybe I could have stopped you.

Based on what I have heard I fear that attempt may have been in vain but at the least I would have been there. Being in another reality at the time I didn't feel it happen maybe I should have though. I think that the guilt of leaving you had taken over the part of me that felt you when you cried and when you laughed and blocked out the memory of this in the sincere hope that maybe I wouldn't hurt so much.

// Gimme a reason
Why I can't concentrate
The world is turning upside down
Spinning round and round
Gimme a reason
Why I now understand
The beauty and simplicity of everything surrounding me
You got a way of spreading magic everywhere
Anywhere I go, I know you're always there
It sounds ridiculous, but when you leave a room
There's a part of me that just wants to follow you too//

Now though I hurt even more, hurt on a level I did not think possible. For a creature who spent over 100 years bringing pain and suffering to innocent people, I guess the justice is not beyond poetic. To have done what I have done and see the memories everyday in the morning was hard enough now add in the extra emotion of having my soul mate ripped out of this world so suddenly has left me with a wound that will slowly drip away for eternity half of my soul has been removed and transported to another place. I miss that the way the part of your soul that had in a way attached it's self to mine seemed to chase the darkness away when I felt it begin to creep up on me again.

I miss the way your skin felt against mine, the way it sent streaks of electricity shooting into my soul. Feelings of love and passion coursed through my dead veins whenever you were near. The way your slightest touch warmed me so much that I almost felt alive. The way your eyes seemed to change colour without explanation. The emerald green mixing beautifully with the hazel brown that gave those precious eyes so much feeling. I miss the scent you would leave on the wind after you had walked by a sweet aroma that sent me giddy with delight when ever it invaded my senses. Taking over my mind.

What I miss most though is the vibrancy and life you held within ypu the way you would always make me feel like the luckiest person in the whole of the worlds just by walking into the room.

//Because I miss you
And this is all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, beautiful
These three words have said it all
You know I miss you
I think about you when you're gone
I guess I miss you, nothing's wrong
I don't need to carry on//

Every now and again I think back to my friends, Wesley, Gunn, Cordelia. I ponder what they have made of themselves. I just discarded them after hearing of your death shut them out and told them to leave. A part of me feels bad for doing this but the majority of me hurts so much that I don't fell anything when it comes to them. A part of me feels nothing but despair and hurt a pain so strong that all other emotion I may have held was destroyed on that fateful day,

Speaking of fateful days; my mind wanders to a time not so long ago a time when I finally felt as though I had reached my redemption. Finally turned back into a human. Even if it did come about in a way I could not have ever imagined. For the first time in over 200 hundred I needed to breathe to eat solid food and drink H2O to survive. At first I did not understand what it meant for my heart to be beating again. Then when after all that time I got to you her in the sunlight I knew why it had happened. It had happened because I was destined to be with you or so I thought.

//It's such a hard life in most of the time
I'm just surviving
That's why I want you to know
In the world where sincerity has lost its meaning
You fill my world with so much hope
And I miss you
This is all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, beautiful
These three words have said it all
You know I miss you
I think about you when you're gone
I guess I miss you, nothing's wrong
I don't need to carry on//

That day had at the start and still does rank up there with the best days of my immortal existence. All of my striving to win back my humanity seemed to have been rewarded. Who would have guessed that only a few hours later I would be begging the oracles to turn me back into the creature I am now. Upon hearing that my being human may some how lead to your own death had led me too make a decision I thought I could never make. Now I see that decision a decision made purely on the notion that I thought if I did not return to the thing that I am then you would die. It seems as though my rushing into that decision was a mistake because you died anyway. I could have been there with you could have been there with you in the sunlight. The day before you died I could have made love to you without any repercussions. That is a chance I miss. I missed the opportunity to have been with you fully and that hurts me more than I can bare almost as much losing you completely does.

//You know I miss you
And this all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, beautiful
These three words have said it all
You know I miss you
And this is all I wanna do
I know it doesn't sound too cool
But maybe I'm in love with you
You know I miss you
And this all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, nothing's wrong
I don't need to carry on//

I can't feel the steady stream of tears that are flowing down my checks and splashing onto this very page just like I can't feel the steady rise of the sun anymore I try not to feel the burning sensation on my skin but I know I do. I move away from the window closing the blinds as I do casting myself into darkness again. The storm that raged earlier has now passed over and silence fills my home once more. Maybe I can get some rest. Sleep is the only place I feel at peace now. Sleep is the only place I get to see you. Locked away in my mind sometimes I wonder if I am actually reaching you or just dreaming; either way I try so hard not to wake up.

//just miss you
Yeah, it's true
I miss you, baby
And when you're walking out that door
I know I miss you
You make me wanna ask for more
I just miss you
Yeah, it's true
I miss you, baby//

Until the day we meet again `I love you'

Angel

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