Distribution: Ahhh, I don’t care who takes it.
Synopsis: Angel comes back to Sunnydale to ask Buffy to take him back. Stuff happens.
Disclaimer: Doesn’t everyone know that I don’t own anything.
Author’s Notes: Thanks to Jenn for being such a sweetie and making some graphics for me. To all the people who give me feedback.

Email: nickypoo2004
Feedback: Hell Yes. Please send me some.

There are times when I look out the window into the blackness of the night, and wonder how I got here. I wonder why I am doing these things. Saving the world. Fighting for justification of my own personal goodness. I look at the woman across from me. She looks at me with a curious stare. I try to ignore her so much, but she keeps coming back to me looking for an absolution that I can’t give. I told her that I loved her, and that I wanted to be with her. I thought that I wanted this. A life with someone stable. Free of passion. I hate it. I despise it.

"Angel, go to her." I look up at Cordelia’s weakened face. She will always wonder if we could have been together if Buffy hadn’t existed. We may have been. But we will never know. I jump out of my chair, and run towards the coat closet. I hear Cordelia’s soft sobs as I run toward the door. I hate myself sometimes. I always hurt the ones I love. I am truly a heartless being. But I run anyways. I have to have that feeling again. That feeling of pleasant numbness and completion and only Buffy can give it to me.

She is flawless in her own right. Her blond hair the color of sunshine. The only sunshine that I will have for a long time. Her pink lips that I used to caress with my own. I love her. And so I drive down this endless rode that leads to only one place. Buffy. The sun starts to come up and I thank God for tinted windows.

Two hours and a lifetime later I pull into her front driveway. The front of the house is so peacefully serene. The grass and the flowers waving gently in the breeze. I wonder how I am going to get in without smelling like burning flesh. I pull out a thick wool blanket. I really wish I had one of those NASA sun suits, that are for people who are allergic to the sun. That would be useful. I sling it over my quivering shoulders, and prepare myself for the burn. I run towards her front door. Buffy opens the door just as I am stumbling up the stairs. "Angel!" She says in surprise as she helps me inside. She quickly runs and shuts all the curtains.

I fling my blanket towards the ground. "What are you doing here?" She whispers. Dawn stomps down the stairs, sees me, and walks right back up them. I dust off my clothes. She is intently staring at me and I feel as if I am burning anyway.

"I needed to talk to you." She bites her lip.

"I have a phone. You could have just called and saved yourself the trouble of sunburn" She states. I give her a half smile. I shift uncomfortably on my feet. "Do you want to sit down?" She tilts her head towards the couches. I nod.

"That would be nice." I watch her walk into the living room, and wish that I could touch her soft hand. Her smell is intoxicating. Like vanilla, pears, and lavender. I love her smell. "Your hair is short." She touches her soft locks.

"Yeah, I thought I needed a...change." I sense some hidden details that she is neglecting to tell me. She can’t hide things from me for long. "So, what are you here for?" I gulp.

"I missed you." Her hand begins to curl into a nervous fist. "I have missed you for three years. Three long, hard years." Her lip quivers.

"It’s always hard. But you’re the one that left remember? You left me." She states facts. I wonder why she is so uptight about this.

"I know. But at the time I thought it was best. But I think time and distance had made us better people. Better for each other." She squeezes her eyes tightly shut. I worry about her. She looks so different. Older. Further away.

"I am a different person than the one you fell in love with. I am not good anymore. I have done so many things. So many things I regret. And I honestly don’t think you would like what you see." I reach my hand out to touch hers. She pulls it away.

"Nothing you could ever do could compare to things that I have done in my lifetime. I love you, and nothing you have done can change that." She starts cringe.

"I don’t deserve your love. I deserve your scorn." I almost laughed aloud. She was still so naive. So un-ruined by time. No matter what she has done, it couldn’t compare with my faults and corruptions.

"Why do you believe that?" I said as I leaned forward. She brought a nervous hand to her neck, and fiddled with her necklace.

"Neglecting Dawn, ignoring my friends and sometimes despising them...sleeping with Spike just so I could feel alive." My fingers dug into my legs. She had changed. But I could still see her innocence. I could feel it somewhere inside her. "After I came...back, I was like a zombie. I didn’t see. I didn’t see anything except myself. I couldn’t see her. And now she wont even talk to me." I sat next to her on the couch.

"Who?" I said, as I brushed her delicate hair away from her cheek. She looked at me with two watery eyes, and I felt what she was feeling for a split fraction of time.

"Dawn." She covered her face with her hands. "She needed me to be strong for her. And I failed her."

"Buffy. We all fail. We all are weak. That’s all part of being human. No one is born perfect, and we all make mistakes. You made some mistakes. I give you that, but who hasn’t? If Dawn can’t except that you’ve have been through hell, than she is probably the most ungrateful person ever. Kinda like I used to be. But you try. You have good intentions. You love her. Shouldn’t that be enough?" She wiped a tear off her cheek.

"The world wasn’t built on good intentions. Good intentions. Everyone has them, it’s what you do with those good intentions is what makes the difference." I hugged her to me.

"Guilt also gets you nowhere. You’re digging yourself a whole, and its tearing you up inside."

"I deserve it." She whispered.

"We all deserve a lot of things. But we shouldn’t just sit around feeling as if we have the world on my shoulders." She smiled wryly.

"I do. If I don’t function, people could die." I sucked in unneeded air.

"You’re not ready yet. Are you?" She gave me a confused look.

"What do you mean?"

"For us. You’re not ready for me to come back yet are you." She heavily sighed.

"No. Not yet." I nodded my head. "But someday I will be. I just want to be perfect for you." I leaned over and softly kissed her lips. She smiled for the first time since I had been here.

"I can wait." She hugged me and whispered something in my ear. Barely audible.

"Forever." She whispered. I got up out of the chair, and she walked me to the door. "Don’t forget your blanket." I reached out and accepted the blanket and put it over my head and shoulders and bolted for my car.

As I drove down the road to L.A. I prayed she would find herself. I prayed should be happy again so we could start forever as soon as possible. And then suddenly I felt myself rise out of my seat and float above the ground. My car’s ignition turned off. My eyes began to light up. I screamed out in agony. Then I fell back to my seat in a quivering heap. Then I heard a noise. A strange, yet familiar noise. A heartbeat.

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