Emotion

Emotion

DISCLAIMER: Joss's people. Story mine. Don't steal, not cool. Don't sue, not cool either.
TIMELINE: Mid-Season 4
SPOILERS: Ummm, everything up to mid season 4? If you know the B/A saga, and Riley's role in her life... you're good.
SYNOPSIS: Emotions, pure and simple.
DISTRIBUTION: Land of Denial. Anyone else can take it, just tell me where it's going.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Super angsty. Super super super angsty. The song, "Emotion" was written by the BeeGees, but everyone knows it now because Destiny's Child covered it.
FEEDBACK: Send it! Please. Don't make me beg anymore.
RATING: G

Angel tried desperately to fall asleep, but he couldn't seem to get comfortable. Instead, he lay awake, staring at the blank ceiling above him, his bed feeling cold and lonely and empty as he tossed and turned. His normally soft blanket seemed to scratch and irritate his skin at every turn, and his normally fluffy pillow was suddenly hard and flat against his head. The warmth he dreamt about every night tempted him from the shadows of his vision, knowing that when sleep finally came he would be able to embrace his love again in his dreams. But sleep was a fickle friend to him and tonight it had decided to play a cruel joke and evade him for hours.

The moonlight outside called to him, called him to the hunt, but like every other night he resisted it. He had been sleeping at night since he regained his soul, the only amount of humanity that he could truly allow himself. The guilt that lay heavy on his mind at all times wouldn't allow him anything other than that. Especially not the blonde beauty who haunted his thoughts.

His chest constricted painfully at the mere thought of her, tears filling his eyes without him even noticing. His skin cried for her warmth, his heart wailed for her comfort, and his soul mourned her absence every moment of every single day. He could still feel her, moving about in his head. Memories of their time together haunted his every waking moment, and his fantasies teased him endlessly in his dreams. He had never thought it would hurt this badly, sting this much. That he could ever feel more empty, alone, and desperate than he had almost a hundred years before. He thought his feelings when his soul was first returned were the worst that they could ever be. He was wrong. He was so, so wrong.

The first tear dripped down his face and onto the while linen pillowcase, soaking in instantly. It was followed by another, and then another, but Angel didn't even notice. He was too busy staring at the beautiful face that seemed to float on the once-blank ceiling of his mind's eye.

He could see her, smiling and happy, just like he had at Thanksgiving. She had another man in her life now, a normal man, one that could make her happy. He had seen him when he was lurking about Sunnydale; he was blonde, tall, and tan. He was rugged and outdoorsy and everything that Angel could never be. Sunkissed, alive, and safe.

The thought of her touching him, kissing him, holding him, making love to him tore at the very fabric of his heart and soul, cause pain so gutwrenching that he thought he would simply keel over and die from it. It was like a single drop of holy water dripped onto his heart and left to slowly burn him into dust. This kind of torture he had *never* been prepared for. Not even in Hell.

It's over and done
But the heartache lives on
And who's the one you're clinging to
Instead of me tonight?

The tears came even faster now, sobs tearing silently out of his non-working lungs. He curled up on his side and clutched at his covers tightly, his tears slowly turning his pillow into a damp mass of fabric and goosedown. The pain pulsed through his viens with every non-beat of his heart, burning and ripping and tearing at him until he was reduced to nothing but ash and blood.

And where are you now, now that I need you?
Tears on my pillow wherever you go
I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean
You never see me fall apart

She had never known how much it had hurt him to walk away. She would never know the pain he felt every moment of every waking day. But it was there. And it was killing him. He was broken now, a mere shell of the man ((vampire)) he used to be. He had no purpose, he had no guiding light, he had nothing. It was all in Sunnydale, in the arms of another man who could love her in ways he would never be able to, no matter how much he wished he could. And he was here. Alone.

In the words of a broken heart
It's just emotion that's taken me over
Caught up in sorrow, lost in my soul
And if you won't come back
Come home to me, darling
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight

Buffy gently pulled herself out of the arms of her boyfriend, scooting as far across the bed from him as she could. She shuddred, feeling too tight in her skin and wrong in the bed. He was too hot, too sweaty, too clumsy. She was used to feline grace and cool, hard lines. She wrapped the comforter around herself to try to block the chill, but it was useless. The chill was from inside of her, the frozen planes of her heart that she couldn't seem to thaw. The only moment she'd felt the drip of melting was that Thanksgiving when she went to L.A.--

No. No, she couldn't think of that, because thinking of that meant that the old pain would return full force. She had managed to dull it somehow, turning into a throbbing that followed her around every moment of every day instead of the gut-ripping pain that had incapacitated her all summer long. Tears welled in her eyes as the memories came flooding back to her, unbidden.

It had taken her months to understand why he left, but she did now. He still loved her, she was sure of that. She saw it in his eyes at the Prom, and when he was sick, and then again right before he left. The love in his eyes - mixed with the pain - haunted her dreams of him, staring at her from across the parking lot at the demolished school. In that moment, through all of her pain and all of her anger, she had understood. He wasn't leaving because of her; he was leaving because of him.

It had comforted her to know that he still loved her, but the absence of his presence killed her a little bit more everyday. He had left to find his purpose, to find his destiny, but she was dying because he was hers. She needed him by her side, she needed him with her. He was her lifeline. He was her savior. Her angel.

I'm there at your side
I'm part of all the things you are
But you've got a part of someone else
You've got to find your shining star

She had played the strong one for all of her friends, making a point to get out there and move on, despite the fact that she knew she would never be able to. She could give her body to another man, that she had already proven, but she would never be able to give her heart. Her heart belonged to another.

The tears had begun to roll down her face and she curled into a tighter ball as the pain surfaced anew, ripping at her insides like a poisoned claw. Her heart squeezed and her lungs burned as she sobbed silently to herself, clutching the pillow as if it was her estranged lover. No matter how much she understood his reasons, she missed him with every second. She just needed him next to her. Just to tell her it was okay, that it would all turn out alright. That he still loved her and needed her, and he always would. That she was a good person, a strong person, someone worth fighting for. That she was worth it, in the end.

She tasted blood and realized that in her efforts to keep her sobs quiet, she had bitten her lip hard enough to split it. The taste of blood just led to more thoughts of him, and she gasped in pain as she swallowed her tears as best she could. She was barely held together with tape now, and she fell apart on a regular basis. But no one would ever see it.

And where are you now, now that I need you?
Tears on my pillow wherever you go
I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean
You never see me fall apart

He would never know how much it hurt her when he walked away. He would never know the pain she felt every moment of every waking day. But it was there. And it was killing her. She was broken now, a mere shell of the woman ((Slayer)) she used to be. She had no purpose, she had no guiding light, she had nothing. It was all in Los Angeles, and she was here. Alone.

In the words of a broken heart
It's just emotion, that's taken me over
Caught up in sorrow, lost in my soul
And if you don't come back
Come home to me, darling
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight

Two warriors cried silently in the night as the world around them slept. And slowly, it began to rain as the world wept with them.

The End

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