DISCLAIMER: Joss owns the Buffyverse. I own Buffy's insanity.
TIMELINE: Season 4 sometime after she and Riley start sleeping together. It's B/A I promise!!
SPOILERS: Up through Season 4, kinda.
SYNOPSIS: Buffy's POV. Angel and insanity and love.
DISTRIBUTION: Land Of Denial, whoever else wants it, just email me the URL.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: The song the lyrics at the beginning and end come from is "Paper Bag" by Fiona Apple. It's a *great* song, and it sets the mood real well for this piece. Listen if you can. Also, it's kinda a stream-of-conciousness piece. That means it may not make sense all the time. That's on purpose.
FEEDBACK: I'm begging for it. Please please send some.
RATING: PG-13 (cuz Buffy's lost it a little bit)

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I went crazy again yesterday, looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine
And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope

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I can't explain how it works. How my mind sorts through all the stimuli that flow through all five of my senses - six of you count that fabulous Slayer sense I have - through the 24 hours of every day of my life. How I can keep it together, stay sane. How I can take the joy and the pain and smush it all up inside of me and still come out thinking rationally. Well, that's a lie. I can explain *that* part: I don't. I don't come out thinking rationally, in fact I come out laughing at truly inappropriate times and envisioning the blade of a long sword sliding like butter through the flesh of my only love and I need to stop NOW.

I'm like a broken machine, replaying the same five moments of pain and love and hurt and joy and everything else that could possibly make my heart explode over and over again in my mind. Self-inflicted torture or something like that. Behind my eyelids, under my tongue, everywhere. I can taste him, feel him, smell him, hear him... He's everywhere for me. God, I must be going insane. Of course, if this is insane, then it's really much more enjoyable than people seem to make it out to be. No voices whispering in your ears, unless you count his of course. And god, that voice could whisper in my ear for the rest of my life and I would die a happy woman.

It all started out okay. In fact, it started out happy. I was alone ((for once oh god alone I forgot how good that feels)) outside and just laying on the grass and thinking. It was a slow night, okay, and I was bored. And the sky was visible for once, because it always seems like there's a permanent cloud cover at night now that he's gone. It was always so beautiful when we were out here together, the sky was always clear and the stars like diamonds, or maybe they weren't but it seemed that way because everything was beautiful when he was there with me. But I was laying on a grave and nothing was happening and I was just pretending that he was next to me again. That we were curled in one of his endless supply of blankets, cuddled and talking about trigonometry or biology or other things that wouldn't even matter in my life because it's not like I even had the option to become an engineer, right? But he would be so interested and he'd even quiz me if it was something he knew like history. Sometimes, when I told him about history, he would laugh and correct me and tell me that's not how it happened. I would always tell him that, that was what the book said, and he would laugh and tell me the book was wrong and he knew because he was there when it happened. Every time he did that we'd get really quiet all of a sudden, and that age gap that never really bothered me suddenly seemed to drag us miles and miles apart. Then I'd laugh and hit his shoulder and he'd kiss me and all would be forgotten.

And I was just laying there thinking about that and thinking about how I really needed help with the French Revolution and maybe I should call him and I just burst into tears. I haven't cried this hard since Acathla and that sword just slid through his stomach as I felt it slide through my heart at the same time. And his eyes were so beautiful and chocolate brown and so fucking *TRUSTING* as I killed him and condemned him to eons of torture. I barely made it out of the mansion that night because I was crying so hard and I couldn't breathe and I was just throwing up everywhere. And Spike was outside, about to leave, and Drusilla was unconscious and he saw me and I know he knew what I did. And he looked at me and nodded and I knew he respected me at that moment. And maybe I respected him a little bit. And then I ran away.

So I just lay in the cemetery, sobbing my eyes out and I think I might have thrown up before Riley came and found me. And he immediately checked me over for injuries and then again when he didn't find any blood. I tried to push him away but I was so upset that my strength was gone and it didn't work. His skin was so warm and slightly sweaty from his own patrol and I thought I would throw up again because it felt so wrong and so wet. I remembered icy arms and cool lips and that's what I wanted. I whoever said you should fight fire with fire was dead wrong. Fire can only be quenched by ice. Maybe that's why despite all the times Riley lured me into his bed ((maybe not lured because I was willing to forget)) I never left his sheet feeling as truly satisfied and whole as the morning of my ((worst and best night)) seventeenth birthday.

Riley asked me what was wrong and tried to shake me to snap me out of it, but I only cried harder because he was crouched over me, holding my shoulders as I partially laid on the ground and the last time I'd been in this position was last Christmas. I had begged him to come inside and he said something stupid and guilty and I hit him and he knocked me over. Then he grabbed me and asked me why anyone should care about him and I told him how much I loved him. I had cried then too, sobbing my heart out to him and then it had started snowing. I think that's what renewed his faith that he belonged on Earth and I was so glad because he was with me and that's all that had mattered. And, for a moment in the cemetery, I saw Angel's face instead of Riley's and I almost kissed him but then I remembered.

I remembered that he left me and that he had taken my heart with him. That he had taken my mind and my sanity and my hope and my faith and every emotion that I had inside of me. He took my love, he took my life, he took my truth. I stopped crying and Riley took me back to the dorms where Willow tried to get me to talk but I wouldn't. Instead I just stared at my hands and the small tan line that had formed because of the Cladauggh ring that Angel had given me so long ago. The ring was gone, but its shadow remained. I could see the ring, see his face, feel his love.

He's the only one I want, even though my friends seem so convinced that there's another guy out there for me. There's not. Riley is someone I can be with, and maybe even love a little bit. But Angel has my soul, my heart, my entire being. I don't want anything else.

So for now I guess I'll stay insane because his voice his with me and I can feel his soul. Willow is trying to get me to see a counselor or something like that but it's okay because I'm fine, just like this. I just need to learn to stop laughing at wholly inappropriate situations and envisioning the blade of a long sword sliding like butter through the flesh of my only love before I truly go mad.

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Hunger hurts and I want him so bad oh it kills
'Cuz I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I've got to fold 'cuz these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts but starving works when it costs too much to love

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