Disclaimer: Angel and Buffy belong to the people/gods/demons who ruin our lives. The story partially belongs to Angelic Vampyre and you'll see why below. I own nothing but myself and the £12.46 in my wallet so please don't sue me.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Surprise/Innocence and EVERYTHING beyond that.
Season: 2
Teaser: Buffy writes a strange diary entry, which Angel reads. It's pretty much self-explanatory.
Author's note: This was inspired by 'The Wish' by Angelic Vampyre. It's a very cool story with an original plot that you should read at http://www.angelfire.com/ga/myfanfic/main.html but it's at the 'Surprise Archive'. All stories there are of top quality, but this one stuck with me. Therefore, I dedicate this story to Angelic Vampyre for unknowingly helping me through my writer's block. :)

Angel stealthily slipped through Buffy's open window. She was fast asleep on her bed, not even changed out of her white tank top and jeans. He smiled at the cute sight. On her slowly rising and falling chest was a dark blue book. She held it close to her, and Angel knew it was her diary. He decided to help the exhausted Slayer get into a more comfortable position for sleep. Carefully he untied one trainer and slipped it off her small feet, before doing the same to the other. Buffy didn't stir as he lifted her off the bed slightly so he could peel back the covers and slide her under them. She settled against the pillows, her hair fanning out around her head like a golden halo. Gently Angel tugged at her journal to get it free. She kept her grip on it even in sleep. Angel wondered what could be so private in there that Buffy would protect it even when she didn't acknowledge reality. Letting curiosity get the better of him, he opened the sacred book to her latest entry. Maybe it would explain why she was acting so strange since her birthday. She shouldn't have grown up just like that, even though her age did and her experience. His eyes fell on the scrawled words and he began his intrusion.

"I'm such a mess. Everything is so confusing and yet so simple. My world has been turned upside, or more accurately it's been dragged backwards through time. Let me explain.

"Less than three days ago, I had just graduated from high school. There was a huge problem there, but that belongs in my 'slayer journal'. I was eighteen and a half years old and Angel left me. When I say he left me, I don't mean he lost his soul or went to Hell; he left of his own free will and I watched him disappear into the smoke. And my heart shattered again. In that other world he could hurt me worse than his alter ego.

"But I'm getting ahead of myself here. The night after we graduated, I was losing my mind. Literally. I mean I nearly hit my mom. Which reminds me, she doesn't know I'm a slayer here. Must remember that, Buffy. And Kendra is alive, also a plus.

"See? I have so many thoughts they're all coming out in one big paragraph. K, stop, breathe, and try again.

"The night after we graduated and Angel left for god knows where, I was going insane. So I broke into Giles' apartment where everything was being stored since the school was a pile of cinders. I routed through all the books there and eventually found a spell. It would take me back in time so I could recreate the future. I broke into the new age store in town and stole what I needed. It didn't need paying for, the owners don't even know any of this happened. Then I locked myself in my room and began the spell from the book. It went something like this:

'To the Goddess of Love, I beseech thee,
Hear my anguished call.
To the Goddess of Destiny I beg of thee,
Answer my pagan prayers.
I give thee this ring as a sign of my love,
And my blood to show my sincerity,
And my soul to guide you into righting the wrongs of a woeful future'.

"I had to put my claddagh ring into this huge flame of a candle, and these horrible dead demons that were no bigger than an inch were floating around the wick. Then I had to prick my thumb and let my blood drip in. The flame was real, because the smoke was choking me and it woke my mother up. She was banging on the door like there was no tomorrow (pun intended). Maybe tears of sadness helped too. Then, and this is what's messed up my time here so far, I had to slit my throat. Or terminate my life in any way, as long as it was quick. I thought drowning in murky water was horrid. Drowning in your own blood is even worse. You can taste its coppery richness in your mouth, smell it, and your lungs are pushing air up to stop the life liquid from cascading down your throat. But I drowned. I remember everything stopping. Mom wasn't banging on the door; my body wasn't falling into the flame. Time froze, and so did everything in it. Then it was like being sucked backwards. It reminded me of Angel drinking my blood, how it felt like my insides were gonna implode because of pressure. Then there was whiteness everywhere, nothing except me. I could only call it oblivion. Then I could hear voices. There were thousands of voices whispering a hundred different things at once. Then one spoke out louder than the rest, but whispered just the same. It asked where did I want to start. All I could think about was Angel. I chanted his name over and over, hoping against hope that it would work. Then I was catapulted forward through oblivion. No roller coaster in the world could ever compare to that. When the blackness hit me, it really hit me. It was like being smacked into a brick wall. I ached all over. I remember thinking that it hadn't worked, but I couldn't cry. At least I'd escaped the horror that was my life. Then I felt something cold and moist on my neck. It felt wonderful and I revelled in it before opening my eyes. I gasped when I saw where I was.

"Angel's apartment. More importantly, Angel's bed. And he was kissing me. It was raining outside and my shoulder was aching a little. I knew exactly where I was and what was going on. The higher powers had taken me back to the most intimate time Angel and I shared: my 17th birthday, the night we made love. It was exactly like before, every touch, every kiss, and every moan. I didn't change a thing from last time because it was so perfect.

"I dreaded the morning when I woke from sleep. To find Angelus by my side was my worst nightmare, second to that would be to find that nothing had changed and Angelus was teaming up with Spike. But thankfully neither happened. I think I practically squealed when I looked into Angel's eyes and saw peace. My greatest wish was to see him happy. And to think that I achieved it. I gave Angel another moment of true happiness. It's the best feeling in the world to love someone and feel that love in return.

"I think he knew the moment I opened my eyes that something was different. Angel from the old world used to say that he could only see pain and grief in my eyes sometimes. Maybe I can't hide all of it then. I think the others knew something was up too, especially Willow and Giles. Have I really changed that much in a little less than two years?

"I hate this near constant déjà vu. Everything they say is the same, and I can't help replying like I did before. And the Judge! God, that was like watching a movie again. Everything he did was precisely as I remembered it. The minions had changed. Angel helped me down off the counter and pitched in with clearing up the Judge. I came up with the rocket launcher this time, not Xander. And this time I didn't chase after Angelus in the sprinkling water. I didn't back away from killing the Scourge of Europe, all because I didn't have to. And I was smiling when we drove away, not staring numbly out of the back window of Oz's van.

"But I'm going to have to tell them soon, because I can't remember how I'd react to certain situations when I was seventeen. It's gonna be tough, I can tell. We don't all work on the same wavelength any more. It's all changed; I've changed even if they haven't.

"But it's definitely not a bad thing, and I don't regret committing suicide to get here. I know what all the work in school is. I know how to defeat most of the major evil coming up. I can fight better. I don't have to get kicked out of school, suspected for Kendra's murder, feel too guilty about Ms. Calendar's and the mayor's helper's deaths and I don't have to send Angel to Hell. No Acathla. That's definitely a big relief. And I don't have to run away, even if I do have to go sort out Ken in LA. And help Lily if Ricky does get caught.

"I'll cross my fingers and hope for the best. And Buffy? Slayer's journal for stuff to kill!"

Angel slowly closed the book and stared at the snoozing slayer. He'd left her? She'd killed herself? She'd gone back in time? A thousand thoughts and emotions coursed through his body and mind. The most predominant were fear and love. Love for this beautiful woman who'd died to make him happy in another world and fear because she mention him. Angelus was a sadistic monster and Angel shuddered at the thought of what he could have done to her. His eyes wandered to the dark red book that sat closed on her bedside table. Her 'slayer journal' no doubt. What had she faced? He gingerly picked it up, dreading the horrors that she had witnessed. It was written as a simple list.

"Things to do/watch out for:
1. Jenny Calendar-Janna, Kalderash gypsy sent to watch Angel.
2. Stop Xander from casting love spell on Sunnydale with help from Amy.
3. Stop demon from killing kids at hospital. Need to catch virus.
4. Exorcise ghost from school. Use Angel and me.
5. Stop swim team coach from using special steroids on swim team, or they're fish.
6. Stop Ken in LA. Mind portal and don't stay. 1 day = 100 years.
7. Watch mom's zombie Nigerian masks. Destroy eyes if worn.
8. Mr. Trick, Kakistos and Faith (maybe on all three).
9. Slayerfest '98 unlikely.
10. School band candy. Ethan. Giles/Ripper and mom.
11. Burn Glove of Myhnegon and kill Lagos (give to Angel, mind fake watcher).
12. Stake Spike. Watch Willow's lust.
13. Anyanka = smash necklace. Helpful at ascension. Cordy+Xander. Anya likes Xander. Watch out.
14. The First Evil. Watch Angel closely. Bad dreams.
15. M.O.O. Hansel+Gretel. Clean out Willow's locker.
16. Avoid Giles and council on 18th birthday. Watch mom and crazy demon. Holy water, pills, swallow.
17. Stop all-female demon cult.
18. Balthazar. Amulet at Gleaves crypt. Electrifying.
19. Watch Anya's magic. Vamp-Willow.
20. Mayor wants Angelus. Uses funny demon in black. Giles knows him. Repay old debt.
21. Kill both mouthless demons. Eat heart if telepathy occurs. Stay with Angel, can't hear his thoughts.
22. Box of Gavroc at docks-spiders for the mayor to eat.
23. Demons at Prom-bury. NO sewer talk with Angel. Chain him up if he suggests leaving.
24. Faith + Mayor (no need for Angel to act)
Ascension at ceremony.
Dynamite in library.
Angel poisoned, my blood.
Eclipse, vamps behind.
Xander key figure.
Human weakness (no Faith, then what?). Never goes away.
Diplomas burn, Snyder eaten, school blown up.
Mayor-Ovakarn (?) Giant snake that likes people. Immortal until the ascension."

Angel could only stare at the seemingly careless entry. His Buffy had seen so much, faced so many myths and legends. He couldn't believe she was still there. But it explained how her eyes had looked older, wiser. Wisdom comes with age and experience, and she had plenty of the latter.

"Y'know curiosity killed the cat," her voice said suddenly. Angel jumped as he spun on the bed to face her.

"And you accuse me of being stealthy?" he retorted with a half-smile. Buffy only stared back at him. He couldn't hold her gaze. It was too intense in a not-so-nice way. It broke his heart to see only a shimmer of hope where there used to be a flame burning with the essence of youth. And to think that to him that had only been three days ago.

"So you know," she stated eventually, after a long and uncomfortable silence. Angel nodded solemnly. "Then it's a lot easier for both of us." He nodded again. He felt the bed shift as Buffy sat and rested her head on his shoulder. He gave her a pained smile, which she just barely returned. Her world was still confusing, but at least she could centre herself on Angel. That made things easier.

"Are you...okay?" Angel asked at length. He was suddenly at a loss for words.

"I'm good now that you're here and you're happy," she replied honestly. Angel gulped. His mouth was suddenly very dry.

"What...what did he do?" he had to force the question. Half of him wanted to know, half of him begged her not to tell. She went for something in between.

"You know him well enough, think for yourself." She kissed his cheek as she climbed out of the bed and rummaged quietly through her drawers for something to wear for the rest of the night. Angel was shocked at just how comfortable she was by changing right before his very eyes. She climbed back onto the bed and leaned into her boyfriend. Angel put his arms around her shoulders and she leaned into him even more. They sat in peaceful quiet for a moment, thinking about the past both as they knew and as they didn't.

"You'll talk to me if you want to share, right?" Angel asked her. She nodded as she let her body relax, thus allowing her to fall slightly into Angel's lap. Her head rested comfortably where his thighs met through his black jeans and she sighed with contentment. Things would get harder, but she had Angel. At least she hoped.

"Angel, I need to hear it," she told him. He frowned.

"Hear what?" he inquired, genuinely confused. Buffy hesitated.

"Three magic words that'll make everything alright," she replied. Angel smiled. He leaned down so that he was just above her ear.

"I love you," he mumbled. Buffy's smile grew. There was another lapse of quiet time before Angel finally heard Buffy's soft, heavy breathing. She was asleep again. He gently shifted her limp body under the covers and pressed a cool kiss to her forehead.

"G'night," she mumbled. Angel smiled, backed up towards the window and regretfully disappeared into the night. Things would be okay, they had each other.

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