Summary and Spoilers: Everything up to Season 5 of Buffy and Season 2 of Angel, set after the story "Sick of It". Buffy, tired of pretending, has told her friends exactly what she thinks about them. Buffy goes to LA to rectify all the mistakes she made, hoping she doesn't come three years too late. In this story Joyce has recovered from her cancer and Glory is already defeated. Darla never came back and Angel hasn't gone psycho.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Not mine, they belong to Joss, though he is doing bad things with them.

Almost three years ago to this day I sent him to Hell. Sent him to Hell because a jealous boy that I thought to be my friend didn't tell me that he was about to get his soul back. Because of that I didn't merely kill the demon that wore my beloved's face, no. I sent him to Hell with a soul.

When he returned my friends tried everything in their power to make him go away again, to make him leave me. Barely a year later they succeeded. I still remember the day he told me he would leave. I will never forget that day.

I know the truth now, the whole truth. When mom was in the hospital, thinking that she might never leave it again, she told me. The truth of why Angel left me. She told me about the little talk they had in Angel's mansion. How she convinced him that he had to leave me, because I was too young and foolish to do the right thing and leave him.

If she had been anyone but my mother I would never have forgiven her. I am not sure I do now, even though she says that she knows that it was a mistake, that she has seen how unhappy I have been without him. This is something to talk about at another time, when mom is healthy again and all the more immediate problems are dealt with.

Problems like the one before me right now.

I called Cordelia and she gave me the address. I made her promise not to tell Angel about my coming over, only to make sure that he would be there and alone. Knowing Cordelia I am sure she accomplished her job. When I told her why I would be coming she was hesitant at first, but then I told her the other news.

About my so-called friends. About Riley. About the fact that Angel can never lose his soul again, hadn't been in danger of losing his soul for a long, long time. I was afraid her scream of joy would shatter the windows at home. It's strange to realize that Cordelia is the only one among my friends who never tried to pry me and Angel apart. Sure, she was pretty freaked about that whole him being a Vampire thing, but now she is his friend, something I would never have seen coming.

Maybe she and I can be friends, something we weren't before, not really. I sure don't have any other friends left. I can never forgive Willow and Xander for what they did and I don't want to, either. Some things can't be forgiven.

The Hyperion Hotel, Angel's new home and office. It's early morning and I can see that all the windows are draped. It looks almost abandoned, but when I close my eyes I know that he is there. I can feel him moving around inside that building like a shadow, still punishing himself for things that never were his fault.

It's time to put an end to this.

As I walk towards the entrance I can feel him coming down the stairs. He knows I am here, he can feel it as well. I wonder how, with a bond like this, we could ever allow anyone to pry us apart. We are soulmates, pure and simple, and we should have realized it from the start.

I walk into the lobby and there he is, standing at the bottom of the stairs. Dressed all in black, as always, his face showing a mixture of joy and wariness. Our last meeting was pretty much a disaster.

I came to his town and slapped him, tried to hurt him, dangling my fake relationship with Riley before his face. After all I did he came to Sunnydale to apologize, something that was for me to do, not for him. And what did I do? I said thanks, you're welcome, and went back to Riley. How could I ever have been so very stupid?

"Buffy!" He says. No one says my name like he does. That one word sends shivers down my spine.

"Hi, Angel." I walk closer to him and I see that his first impulse is to meet me, close his arms around me. He doesn't, though. He has no reason to. I have done everything to push him away and he has every right to be angry with me. Only he isn't, I can see that.

"Why ... what can I do for you?"

During the drive to Los Angeles I prepared some kind of speech. A long and thorough explanation of what happened, the mistakes I made, and how we can be together again with nothing to ever tear us apart.

All the words are gone.

I just move toward him, his chocolate eyes never leaving mine. This close to him I can barely catch my breath. I try to put all the things I want to tell him into my eyes, looking up at him form barely a heartbeat away. He looks down and I can see the emotions behind his face.

My hand moves up to touch his neck and draw him down toward me, my head rising to meet his. Our lips touch, a feeling so very familiar, and our bodies mold together like they were meant to.

For a timeless moment there is nothing but the two of us, the rest of the world might as well be gone. But then I feel him draw back, reason winning out over his feelings, and he pulls his lips away from mine.

"Buffy, this is ..." He begins.

I put a finger on his lips to make him shut up.

"This is right, that's what it is, Angel. And you know it, I felt it in that kiss, so don't even try to deny it!"

He shakes his head.

"My feelings for you never changed, Buffy. They never will. But that doesn't change the fact that ..."

"You don't know the facts, Angel, that's why I am here."

He looks confused, but then motions for me to follow him. We walk into a room that might have been a dining room a long time ago. Angel has turned it into a library. There is a fire burning in the huge fireplace, which reminds me of the mansion and all the good times we had there. We sit down on a couch before the fire and he looks at me expectantly.

The light of the fire flickers across his face and he is so beautiful it takes my breath away.

I tell him everything. About Riley leaving. About my mother telling me about the talk they had. About my fight with Willow and Xander. About what Xander did on the day I sent him to Hell. Finally I tell him about the curse.

He just listens to me, never interrupting. I can see him flinch when I speak to him about Hell, something he never told me about. When he learns about the curse there is a shimmering in his eyes. But he doesn't say a word, just listens.

"Say something!" I tell him when I finish and he is still silent.

"This is a lot to take in." He finally says.

"Tell me about it," I agree, "to think I ever called them my friends."

He seems about to argue the point, but a look into my eyes seems to change his mind. He falls silent again and I can't stand it. He should be overjoyed that we can finally be together. Why is he so somber?

"Buffy, what do you want?" He asks.

"What do I want? The same thing I always wanted. You. I never wanted anything else since the first day I met you in that alley behind the Bronze. I know I made a lot of mistakes and I ... I could hardly blame you if you're angry with me, but I want you. I want us."

He leans back on the couch, closing his eyes.

"Buffy, I am not sure. I love you above all else, you know that, but the fact that the curse is permanent now doesn't change things."

"Yes it does!" I yell at him.

"It doesn't change the fact that I can never take you out to the beach in the sunlight. It doesn't change the fact that we will never have children. You will age, I will not. I am not human, Buffy, and you are."

"You will be."

He looks at me, astonished.

"I talked with Cordelia earlier. She told me about the Shanshu prophecy. I know you will become human once you have made your amends. Which is kinda stupid, since you don't have anything to make amends for. Your demon did these things, not you. Why should you be punished for it? Why are you punishing yourself for it? Why are you so determined to push away any chance for happiness?"

He looks down and I am getting tired of this. I move over and sit down beside him, leaning into his chest.

"I want you, Angel. I don't care about a normal life, my life will never be normal anyway. I tried normal and it was terrible. I know that the prophecy doesn't say when you will become human, but if I have to wait forever, than that's what I want to do as long as we can wait together."

His hand moves to touch me, but he is hesitating. I grab his hand with my own and position it on my hip, forcing him to hold me close.

"Stop punishing yourself, Angel, please! We are soulmates and that will never change. I'd rather lead a life without sunshine and children with you, because without you I don't have a life at all."

"Buffy," his voice is husky, shaking, "I want this, more than anything, but ..."

"Then take it Angel! Just for once listen to your heart, okay?"

For another moment I am afraid that I can't get through to him. He has been punishing himself for so long, maybe he has forgotten how to do anything else. But then the tension leaks out of his body and he clutches me to himself with a desperate strength. Our mouths meet and I know that I've done it.

Without ever letting go I shift on the couch until I straddle his lap. God, this feels so right, so very right. I tear his black shirt away, exposing the smooth marble of his chest. I have missed this for so long I can hardly believe it's real.

He is kissing me so deeply it seems he wants to climb inside of me. There is no doubt in my mind, we belong together. I will never allow anyone to tear us apart again. Never.

The sound of the door opening makes us both look up and I can't believe what I'm seeing.

"Angel, are you ..." The voice stops as she sees us.

"Faith?" I ask, dumbfounded.

Go to the next story Forgiveness

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