Rating: PG-13
Distribution: You can have it; just link me.
Summary: Captain Farmboy meets The Birds.
Disclaimer: Joss owns Riley, Buffy, and Angel. Alfred Hitchcock owns the idea of The Birds. Wait a sec, didn't Daphne DuMaurier write the story first? Hanson (ugh) owns the song (not that I used much of it). Ok, well, here goes my weird fic.

One sunny spring day in Iowa, Riley Finn was in the middle of his cornfield, weeding and hoeing. Riley liked farming. He got to be close to nature, and he knew chicks just dug overalls.

Riley started to sing along to a Hanson song. "Ooooh, this time arounddddd!" he sang loudly and terribly. All the field mice ran away, their ears bleeding.

Riley heard a strange noise coming from the sky. It sounded like..... birds? Riley wasn't sure. After all, his IQ was in the single digits. Riley looked up at the sky. A huge swarm of birds was flying. Riley was puzzled? Why were all those different birds flying together? Figuring it didn't really matter, he went back to weeding. Riley loved to weed; it was fun and good for his health. Hungry, he shoved some cold mashed potatoes into his mouth.

The plaintive, pathetic MOOs of Riley's favorite cow, Bessie, interrupted Riley's wonderful (NOT!) meal. Riley nearly choked on the cold mush (Don't we all wish?). Frightened for his beloved cow's life, he ran to her and found a swarm of birds pecking at her.

"Shooooo!" he yelled at the birds, flapping his oversized straw hat at them. That just agitated them more. A swarm swooped down from the sky and attacked Riley, quite painfully.

The fishboy screamed like the sissy we all know he is. The birds made short work of him. He was dead within ten minutes.

All of a sudden, Buffy and Angel, their arms around each other, arrived. Buffy had decided to kill Riley, since she discovered he was a worshiper of the Cow Demon, Lactoseka.

Buffy was relieved to see Riley was already dead. She laughed as she saw the birds pecking at Riley's cold, disgusting corpse. "I never did like him," Buffy commented. Then she and Angel shared a long, passionate kiss, as the birds finished off their meal of a Riley and Bessie combo

Send feedback to Rebecca

Back to the Fanfiction Archive