Disclaimer: Do we really even need to put these up? I own nothing, not even Brad and Dork!Angel/Rain man
Rating: PG
Spoilers: All sorts really, I'm not even completely sure myself, but mostly for S5/S2 and S6/S3.
Summary: It's a badfic, completely unedited, unbeta'd (not that I have one anyway), unspellchecked, and all errors are mine. I just saw the quote about Brad being Spike's twin and how Spike was going to deal harshly with him when he gets back, had some anti-Joss anger, and voila!
Notes: Rain man is one of Angel's mockery monikers right? I sometimes get confused. I'm testing the waters here, and I thought that, while this isn't *really* B/A, it's got enough in it. So, here's my first post to this list. Also, this is bad. Very bad.

Spike slowly sat up. He remembered settling in for the night, a brilliant silvery light, and then nothing. Well, he could remember who he was and the like, just not how he had wound up in a room that resembled a horrible accident on the sets of "Dr. Who", "Frankenstein", and "Wayne's World".

As the vampire stood and looked about he found a fridge full of blood and beer, and a cupboard full of Weetabix. He was about to continue exploring when he heard someone clear he throat. Spike turned around to see two men standing side by side. One looked sort of like Billy Idol, the other looked . . . well . . . normal. Kinda the guy next door look.

"Welcome!" said the man with a smile, "My name is Tlawneerg Nodehw, and this is Brad." With that statement, Brad gave a sardonic smirk and spoke.

"I `ope you're not expectin' to get back to Sunnyhell, `cause I'm goin' to take your place." Spike was in shock. He knew that voice, its accent, its inflections, it was his.

"What the bloody hell are you talkin' about?" the vampire demanded of his double.

Tlawneerg Nodehw grinned and responded, "Quite a good likeness if I do say so myself. You see, I've been watching the Slayer and her friends, and I think she needs a big ol' fluffy teddy bear like you to snap her out of this funk."

"Teddy bear?!?"

"Well you aren't much of one, but you could be if you put your back into it. So, I'm sending Brad here down to take your place. I hope you don't mind."

With that extraordinary statement the two strange men were enveloped in silvery light, and vanished. Minutes later Spike hadn't moved, to stunned to do so, and Tlawneerg Nodehw reappeared and smiled, saying, "Oh! I forgot. You should be given the opportunity to see the marvellous things you can do for your slayer." He sent that same frightening smile at Spike, aimed a remote at a TV set behind the vampire, then vanished in a burst of light as the set turned on.

Spike slowly turned around and watched in horror as Brad, his fluffy twin, turned down a chance to go off with his dark goddess. Things just went downhill after Dru left.

He did have his run of the compound. A place full of strange rooms full of strange magical and technological artifacts. Some were packed with grimoires, others looked like something from "Star Trek". There were gothically arched halls, and small silver closet things Spike wouldn't venture into.

The refrigerator was always stocked with blood, and the telly always showed the scenes of the wanker, Brad, and the way he was so cheerfully ruining Spike's life. With the addictive pull of watching his life be changed irreparably his main source of amusement, Spike watched the terrible images for several weeks.

Then things got worse.

**********************

Angel found himself in a small room decorated in pink and cream with large fuchia teddy bears adorning every spare surface. He sat up and noticed a fridge in the corner. He stood up and started toward it when Spike came waltzing in.

"Hunh, they've changed the decor . . ." the other vampire trailed off as he noticed Angel standing in the middle of the room. "Angel? Is it you?" he asked.

"Who else would I be Spike? And where the hell are we?" Angel demanded irritably. Being trapped in a room with William the Bloody Awful Poet and 5,000 fuchia teddy bears was not his dream vacation.

Spike smirked at Angel saying, "Well, sometimes you're not yourself. There was that little soul-losing incident three years ago."

Angel sighed. Of course Spike had to be difficult, "Do you have any answers for me, or do I have to beat them out of you?"

Spike relented and told Angel everything he knew, including the fact that pink had become a dominant theme in the wherever-the-hell-it-was they were.

Angel winced, "The last thing I remember is pounding Darla into the mattress." Then, "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN BRAD IS TRYING TO SEDUCE BUFFY!!?"

Spike held his ground, "I mean mean that damned poufter pretending to be me is apparently in love with the Slayer." Then, "You shagged Darla?"

His grandsire was about to respond when the cheerful normal looking guy and a dark haired man, the sight of whom sent Spike into hysterical laughter, practically bounced into the room. "I do hope you like the decor," said Tlawneerg Nodehw, "I thought it suited you admirably."

"Who are you -- What are you?" Angel asked.

The dark haired man smiled in a way that was both cheery and undeniably creepy. "Hi! I'm Rain man!" he said in Angel's voice, with Angel's vocal inflections. Well, if Angel was on crack, fifteen large mugs of vodka, and an hour of varnish fumes.

Both vampires stepped back involuntarily at the words from the apparition. Spike was positively appalled. It had been bad dealing with an ensouled Angelus, worse dealing with the new and improved soulless version, and just plain awful with the ensouled mark two, but this was just scary. His grandsire's clone looked . . . wholesome.

"You can't expect to pass that . . . that . . . that off as Angel!" his voice was rather faint, "He sounds like a sweet momma's boy from Philly."

Angel couldn't speak. That was what he looked like? Attractive enough, but so off-putting. His doppelganger smiled cheerily back at the scrutiny. He was baffled about what Buffy had once told him was `salty goodness'. This guy looked like a complete . . . what was the word Xander would use? Dork.

"Well, I think that after the appalling way he treated Cordelia and the others, he doesn't deserve Cordelia's regard. Which is a pity because they match together so well." Tlawneerg stated with a sigh and frown. Then he perked up, "So, I made a nice copy who will be just the perfect young man for the lovely young warrior."

That got Angel's attention off of his evil twin, and on to the man who was clearly their captor, "Cordelia? And me? As a couple? And since when is Cordy a warrior?" the vampire's voice was dripping incredulity as the bouncy man smiled patronisingly.

"Well, it's just that you don't see it. Anyhow, I've turned on the other monitor so that you can both see the improvements I've made to your lives. Rain man and I must be off to fix up the mess that is your life." Then the two disappeared leaving Spike and Angel to rush off and watch Angel act like a complete wank and suck up.

*********************

The weeks passed. Angel and Spike were trapped, watching these fakes wander about and act like a pair of dips. They suffered through the horror of watching Brad declare his undying love of Buffy, and Dork!Angel actually support Cordelia's save Harmony project.

Then came those horrible days when Angel's double was prancing around Pylea while Buffy suffered and died in Sunnydale. He raged and screamed, throwing things and threatening Spike. He finally collapsed, sobbing, onto the floor, and refused to move for days.

It was a long hard summer.

When Buffy came back Angel danced a jig and thanked Brad for being so wonderful and sweet, kind and generous, and basically annoyed the hell out of Spike who was struggling not to rip his hair out every time Brad acted like a lovesick puppy. Not that Angel fared better seeing his counterpart take care of his son. He had a son that was being looked after by an evil clone, and said clone was slobbering after Cordelia. "I mean, Cordelia! What exactly has she got that would interest me?" Angel demanded for the hundredth time that morning.

"Big tits," said Spike.

"That doesn't mean I'm in love with her. Besides," Angel continued loyally, "Buffy has a far better figure."

Spike rolled his eyes and continued to peruse the grimoire he'd been reading. The two had come to a mutual truce and were desperately hunting through the books and stuff lying about for anything that could get them home. They had come across a spell to bind Angel's soul to his body as long as it remained mobile, but there were no supplies to cast it, and they still had yet to find any escape route.

Spike glanced up and saw Buffy and Brad arguing about whether or not she should go to jail. Spike had already spent many unhappy hours yelling at the screen that he should kill her and get his third slayer, but Brad had just kept right on being sweet. It was even spooking Angel now. When Buffy began to beat Brad up, and the wanker made no move to defend himself Spike lost it and sent a fist through the set.

"What did you do that for?" Angel demanded, "Now I can't find out how Buffy is!"

Spike just sneered elegantly in return, "As if I care what your little Fluffy the Vampire Layer is doing."

Angel snarled in fury and launched himself across the intervening space and began to pummel his fellow captive. Spike gave back as good as he got, and they would have kept going had not Tlawneerg appeared in his standard silver light, and used a fancy machine to zap the two of them knocking them both unconscious.

When they woke up, they were gagged and tied down to a couple of recliners with their heads in vises, and their eyes held open with tape. Tlawneerg stood in front of them with the two screens blaring from behind him, the horrible images of Brad and Dork!Angel constantly front and centre.

"I am really quite disappointed in you two," the man said, "Ways of Binding Angel's soul, trying to escape. Don't you two know that I'm doing this for the good of everyone?"

Angel just winced as he saw Dork!Angel shamelessly throw himself at Cordelia. Spike whimpered through his gag as Brad continued to act in a way that was so treacly Spike could feel himself getting a toothache.

"Well I hope you two will learn your lesson," said the creature both vampires were now completely certain was pure evil. Then he vanished leaving the two unable to do anything but gaze in horror and growing insanity.

****************

Weeks had passed, and the two trapped in the pink room with the books and TV sets were now quite close to going quite mad. Angel's experiences in Hell were serving him well, and he fared better than Spike. But not much. There was another flash of light, and the two cringed in expectancy of the horror that was certain to follow.

Instead, they found themselves being untied and pulled toward the door. Both had just shut their eyes to block out the images pouring from the TV sets, and neither cared what had happened until they found themselves falling onto a cool, hard surface.

Angel was the first to recover enough to open his eyes, and rejoice that he was sitting in the Angel Investigations lobby under the gazes of his friends and Dork!Angel. He shook himself briefly, and staggered to his feet under their frightened gazes. Spike was now noticing the change in environment as well and he clambered to his feet and stared at Dork!Angel who seemed to be suffering from confusion.

"What's going on?" he asked, his wimpiness even more apparent when placed next to a furious and slightly insane Angel.

Slow, vicious smiles crept across the faces of the two, and they launched themselves at Dork!Angel and beat him to death. When every bone in his body had been pulverised, and all his internal organs were so much mulch, Angel and Spike staked him, grinned at each other and high fived.

"Oh yeah! It's good to be back!" Angel crowed.

"Angel?" Cordelia asked hesitantly.

Angel whipped around at looked at the assembled A-team, and said, "I will explain everything later guys. Right now I want to bask in the joy that is having killed my evil twin and go and get my soul permanently attached." With those words and a jaunty grin, he and Spike tripped off into the night to go shopping for supplies to crazy- glue Angel's soul into place.

"Why exactly am I helping you with this?" Spike demanded as they pulled up to the nearest magic store, "Nice car by the way."

"I thought you `never want to see the wanker Angelus again'?" Angel questioned.

"Oh, right."

"Anyhow, when we're finished with this, we'll go and kill Brad slowly." Angel's suggestion had Spike quite cheery, and they did the spell and drove off to Sunnydale.

When they got there, Buffy was on the verge of getting engaged to Brad, so Angel was forced to haul her off and prove to her exactly how much he loved her in NC-17 rated ways I'm very bad at writing, so I'll leave it to your imagination, and Spike got to torture Brad all on his own, then went off and reunited with Drusilla, because they are just too adorable together, and everyone lived happily ever after.

P.S. Yes Cordy and Groo got together because they really deserve each other. Tlawneerg Nodehw turned out to be an avatar of the First Evil who had attempted to get to Buffy by replacing Buffy's soulmate with Dork!Angel, and had obviously tried to drive Angel insane. Angel was rescued by the PTB when they realised that sometimes they have to intervene more directly than sending stupid cryptic messages that no one understands until after people die.

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