I don't own anything but these thoughts…
Angel's point of view after "Rain of Fire" S4 of AtS..
I was inspired after reading Lucinda's The Real Reason. Hope she doesn't mind… You need to read her story first… http://pub165.ezboard.com/ftheducksversefrm2.showMessage?topicID=1701.topic
For Kendra, for Leisa, for Nicole…And I am so sorry I haven't been online lately and it has been so long since we chatted via email…I miss you all..

"Angel"

He thought he caught the faintest echo on the wind. And when he didn't hear it again he turned his attention to the skies. Fire rained down from heaven and all he could do was watch. Was this the end he wondered? Some part of him wished it was. That it would all just end right now. He wanted it over. Had wanted it over with for a long time, he finally admitted to himself. And as that truth settled over his heart he continued to watch the spectacle of his son and the woman who had just this day told him she loved him, make love. Make love might not be the term he should use here though. Whatever the feeling, they seemed to be enjoying themselves and maybe that was all that mattered anyway.

Today, Cordelia had told him she loved him and always would. Words. They were just words. And as she had said that word…the Always word. Well, just for a moment, before he had forcibly stopped it…he had heard the echo from a long time ago. The sweet echo of a soft loving voice. But he had crushed it quickly just like he had been doing for quite awhile now. He wouldn't… he couldn't… let it through. It hurt too much.

But sometimes memories and love have a way of just taking over. No matter what…you just cant stop them. And just maybe…maybe, he didn't want to stop them.. Maybe they were needed to cleanse his soul. Maybe he should let himself feel it all and see if he could garner any clarity from his messed up life.

And so he watched and he felt an old wound open and it all came pouring out over him in a tide of pain. But pain was okay though. It meant he was in some way alive. And contrary to how he had been acting lately…He hadn't felt alive…Not for a very long time. It was time for the truth. The honest unadulterated truth. A truth so real that it might kill him or give him the freedom to go on. Freedom to fight for the future. Freedom and courage to fight for his future and the future of the woman he loved. Fight for their future together.

And so he watched and it was liberating.

It hurt to see Cordelia and Connor in bed together. It hurt very much. But to his surprise, not the way he thought it would. It wasn't the jealous betrayal of a lover that he was feeling. It was what he wasn't feeling that was the telling sign. And as he let the truth manifest itself in his heart and in his mind he could feel the walls around his heart crumble..

He didn't want to go down there and tear Connor to pieces.

He didn't want to go down there and rip Cordelia from his arms.

He didn't want to howl like a wounded animal.

He didn't want to take Cordelia and make her his, right there in front of Connor.

He didn't want to show them all that Cordelia belonged to him, Angel.

He didn't want to bare her neck and sink his teeth into that soft sweet flesh and mark her as his alone.

He didn't want to bury himself so deep inside her that nothing could tear them apart.

He didn't want to close off the rest of the world and make love to her for weeks on end.

He didn't want to lose himself in her sweet exquisite flesh and the world be damned.

He didn't want to remember.

But he would never forget.

The one woman that made him feel all those things.

The one woman that made him feel.

The one woman that could melt the ice around his heart and turn it into a living hot flame.

The one woman that epitomized the word Always.

The one woman in all the world that had the other half of his soul in her keeping.

The one woman that held his happiness in her small strong hands.

The one and only woman that he wanted a future with.

The one woman he went to sleep thinking about.

The one woman who was his first thought when he awoke from his deep slumber.

The one woman who was his very reason to keep fighting, no matter what.

The one woman who was his heart, his soul, his strength, his love.

The one and only woman he would ever love till his ashes were laid to rest in the earth.

She was everything to him. She would ever be, everything to him. Only her and no other for all eternity.

And as the truth screamed through his mind and his heart and his soul, he screamed her name for the heavens to hear.

"Buffy"

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