Disclaimer.. They all belong to Joss W.
Timeline: A few hours after “ Reunion” Season2
Dedication.. as always to those who believe…

“Thank you Angelus” Angel mutters to himself and smiles.

3 hours previously::

I just told my three good friends to get out. Three friends who have been here for me when it felt like the world was closing in on me. And the sad part is, I cannot seem to care. I cannot make the effort to change things. I ask myself! Do I even want to? That is the million dollar question.

To Shanshu: what does that word mean to me? At the moment not a whole lot. Sometimes, well right now actually, I  think it would be okay to just let go and go over the edge and turn. I would not have to make any more decisions. I could just be, without a thought behind it. “No” a little voice is whispering in the far recesses of my mind. Do I want to listen, do I?

Her small hand touches my face (my vamp face). And I hear  “I did not even notice”. And then on a hilltop just before sunrise-her broken voice “what about me, I wish I wished you dead, I do not, I can not”..  Then another time, her sweet lips are on mine. Loving me, even with  the monster inside of me.

Now there is another voice. His voice. His cruel voice! “She is gone. She is with someone else. She is not coming back to you. Let me out”. “If you let me out she will come back to you. You know she will. I can make her belong to us forever. That is what you really want. Let me out”.

And now I know. He does not realize he has just made my choice for me. The only one I could ever make. And he has made it so easy for me. It is not wether I deserve my shanshu . It is not wether I should be helping people or not. Or even who should die or not…I made a big mistake tonight and humans died. It is done. I will answer for that and all my sins. I am prepared for that. But I have to deal with the here and now. And I will. I have. He is going to hate that he made it easy for me, instead of harder. Because whatever happens in my life I know that I can not let anything hurt her  .No matter the cost to myself. And that is why it is finally clear. All this time W and H and Darla and now Dru  have been messing with my mind. And now it is finally clear.

They are not going to bring back Angelus. I am not going to let them. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Because now I see clearly for the first time in ages!

If I allow Angelus to take over he will without a doubt go after Buffy. Either she will die or he will turn her. And I will never let either of those things happen. Not while I am still standing. She gave her sweet love to me and even though we are apart I will not abuse the trust she gave me. A slayer laying beside a vampire at peace with the world! So I will get off my butt and go and apologise and rehire my friends. And then go and do what I should have done already. Go and take care of Darla and Dru.

Even when she is not with me she still gives my life meaning.

She is my soul-mate and that is how it is.

I am going to get my Shanshu. I will be worthy. And we will be together. Someday. Tomorrow can take care of itself. For today I will do what needs doing. And I can do it because I have hope. Something I lost for a while but now I have it back.

“Thank you  Angelus” Angel mutters  to himself and smiles.

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