Disclaimer.. Joss owns them all 
Spoilers…all up to end of season 5 of Buffy and season 2 of Angel to be safe.
Dedicated…. To everyone who sent feedback and to that sweet picture of buffy and angel sitting under the tree, touching.
Feedback.. Would love it if you want to. Hope you have all enjoyed my story.

She is going to be so angry with me. So hurt. And she has a right to be. But I have to tell her. If I want our lives to be with each other I have to do it. No matter what happens I owe her the truth. Out of respect and out of love no matter the cost to my happiness it has to be done.

But if she is too angry to forgive me what then!   What if she just walks out that door never to come back? How can I bear that? Now that we are together again I do not know if I can go back to never seeing her, never touching her, never sharing our lives, the good and the bad. Am I doing the right thing? Yes, I know I am. If we are not honest and trusting each other completely then what is the point! The only way we are going to make it, is if we each know we can rely on each other totally.

She trusted me enough to tell me everything about her life, about Riley ( some times a little more than I wanted to know) but she did it. Why should she expect less from me when what I have to tell her is part of her life as well?

I will do it as soon as she gets here. It will be okay. We made it this far and we will make it the whole way. I have to believe that. I do believe that. She will be here soon. My beloved, my sweet salvation, my everything! How I adore her. Love her. Need her. Want her.

It is just 6 months since her Moms funeral and I know it is still so heavy on her heart. She does not know that I know she sprays her Moms favourite  perfume  around her room. I smell it every time I visit. And my heart breaks for her pain. My poor little love. And now I am going to be the cause of more pain, again. I wish I could take it all away but I cant, but I can be there for her when she needs me.

I only stayed one day with her in Sunnydale because I had to get back. Big evil lurking just round the corner and it does not stop for slayers tears. But we parted as lovers once more, not literally, but in every other way that counts. I thought that I would never know such happiness again but I truly realize that all my happiness, all my rewards, all my expectations and all my dreams are housed in that beautiful form. That small sweet body and wonderful mind and those hands, hold my future in them. Just thinking that she feels the same, makes the tears come to my eyes.

I felt her pain and she felt my joy and we two are one still, one soul living in two bodies.

When I kissed her it was as if the sun was warming my body with its bright rays. She is my sunshine.

So I went back to LA. But not long after that, I and all the gang and some stragglers, headed back to Sunnydale,  to help the slayer defeat Glory once and for all.

We did not lose any friends and we were victorious. But not at no cost! A lot of things happened that are still sorting themselves out. I have some more friends now and one less enemy. Darla is dead. I am still not sure if it was Lindsay or Kate or Doyle (it was so good to see him if just for a little while) that did it. Does not matter. She is dead and we are all still here. We made it through another battle. That is what counts. And if Spike shows himself then he will join Darla in the ashes. My grandchilde and I have a date with destiny one day soon.

All that is past and not important right now. There is always some bad evil to fight.

Back to the matter in hand! I have to tell her. I have to make her understand that I was thinking of her. That I would give my life 1000 times over to give her one more day of life.

“Angel, are you here? Why is it so dark? Did Cordy forget to pay the electricity?”

I hear her sweet voice say. She is a little nervous. I can smell it. Time to pay the piper. Cannot put it off any longer.

I put the lights on and say to her. “ I am here my love.”

I take her in my arms and savour the feeling. I cannot let myself think that this could be the last time I hold her this way, with her nestled in my embrace as if the rest of the world does not exist.

“Well I am here and it is exactly one minute after midnite. What is so important that we have to sneak around in the middle of the nite?” she asks.

I have to talk with you and I think we should sit down,” I tell her as I lead her over to the sofa. After we have both sat down I take her hands in mine. I need contact right now if I am going to go through with this.

“You are scaring me Angel, what is the matter? Tell me please.” She pleads.

“I have to tell you something. Something that will make you angry with me. I am so scared that you will be so hurt and angry that you might walk out that door and not come back. It is something I did 2 years ago. Something that affected both of us but only I know about it. Can you let me tell you the whole story before you hit me please.”

“Angel, if it is that bad, just tell me and then we will deal with it. Just tell me first though.

Do you still love me, still want to be with me?” Her voice was trembling.

“Always Buffy, always.”

“Then tell me now, what ever it is.”

We are sitting on the sofa with about one foot of space between us when I start talking. The day is here when I finally tell her about our lost day. Half of me rejoices, knowing that I can finally share this memory with her while the other half wants to rip my own throat out for hurting her this way. Already she has pulled her hands out of mine and is hugging herself. I am starting to worry about her reaction but I continue on. She has not spoken a word since I started. The tears are streaming down her face and I can feel my cheeks are wet as well.

I press on and I hear her sobs but she does not take her eyes from mine. I truly do not know what she will do when I finish talking   “…… And you said you were going to go off and start forgetting and I felt like someone just cut my chest open and pulled my still beating heart out and threw it on the floor. Buffy, I am so sorry that I made that decision without your knowledge. Given the same circumstances I would still make the same decision but I would discuss it with you first. My only defence is that if it is in my power to save your life I will take that road every time. A world without you in it is a dead barren place for me. I would rather be apart and have you alive somewhere than not at all. I could not sit back and do nothing to give you life. When the master killed you I found you but I could not give you the breath you needed to live. You do not know how that made me feel. This time the power to give you life was within my reach. I had to take it. No matter the cost to myself and ultimately to both of us. I am so sorry for hurting you this way. I swear that if you forgive me I will never make decisions, that affect either or both of us, on my own again. And I will never keep anything from you even if I think it will hurt you. I love you and please tell me that you forgive me. Please my love, please.” I was crying to her, beseechingly.

She sat there with the tears falling down her face but still no words uttered. I was too distraught to know what she was feeling at the moment. But the waves of pain that were coming from both of us was nearly too much.

I do not know how much time passed and how long we just looked at each other, rivulets of pain running down both our cheeks.

She went to open her mouth and closed it again.

She stood up, so unsteady on her feet that she fell right back down on the sofa.

Was she going to leave me? I couldn’t blame her but I did not think I could handle it. She stood up again without saying a word. This was it. She was leaving me. Was she going to leave without saying anything?

“Angel….. I …. How could…..Why…..I do not remember….It is not fair…” her words were getting stronger and louder. “ Our lives are not fair. How could they and you do this to us?”  She fairly shouts at me and at the heavens. Then so softly, her face so wet from the tears she says again  “ I do not remember, our beautiful magical day and I do not remember.”

And then I will never forget  what  my angel, and that is what she is, said to me.

“Angel, please hold me and never let me go again. Never leave me and always love me. If you want my forgiveness then you have it. But there is nothing to be forgiven. I would give up my humanity if it meant you could live. I need you to hold me tight and tell me that it is going to be alright.” and with a sob she launched herself into my arms.

She did not leave. She understands and as I hold her so close and we are both crying I know that it is going to be okay. We have found solace in each other’s arms, where God meant us to be. We are home.

Epilogue.  1 hour later…. (I have a little surprise).

We are sitting on the sofa just content to hold each other. We have both calmed down and I once again thank all the powers in the universe for this wonderful woman in my arms.

I pull away from her and she whimpers and I smile to know she wants me close but I have something else to tell my love and this time I hope it will be happy news.

“Buffy, I went to see the new oracles yesterday to ask them a favour on our behalf and it is your decision which will grant it or not.” there is a little trepidation in my voice.

“At least I get a say in whatever is making you nervous, I like it, I want some power. Tell me what you have done and then we will both decide.” She lovingly traces my lips as she speaks.

“I asked the oracles to give you your memories back of our day together and they said that the next time you fell asleep and woke up it would be like you always had the memories.” I laugh when she jumps on me pushing me back into the sofa. And with what I have to say next it is a good place to be.

“They also said that they would not take the clause out of the curse but that one day every 6 months until I attained my Shanshu I would be human for the whole 24 hours.” Now I am smiling as I say that.

“When…. When… do… we… start?” She gets out in between  placing kisses all over my face.

I look at the clock on the wall and say (just as well I do not need to breathe) “ in one min…” the rest of my sentence is lost as her mouth closes hungrily over mine.

And the only sounds heard in that hotel for the next 24 hours were the sounds of love.

Send feedback to Sara-Lee

Back to the Fanfiction Archive