Disclaimer – Not Joss, not the Bee Gees, not mine
Rating – 15 – nothing that you wouldn't see in A:tS!
Spoilers – Eternity (and probably some other stuff too!)
Distribution – Oh go on…have it…it is the festive season…but LMK where!
Feedback – my last two have received virtually zilch so please (unpleasant sight of ~S~ begging!)
Summary – What if there had been a photo of Angel and Rebecca (Raven)? What if there had been some from the premier too? What if Buffy had seen them? Veers off the BtVS/A:tS cannon at this point though. Unbetaed. Lyrics in *
Dedication – NDK

*I stumble in the night
Never really knew what it would've been like
You're no longer there to break my fall*

It hit me tonight. Not suddenly, more a sense of realization and then gut wrenching despair. There is no going back for us, no happy ever after.

A few days ago Xander showed me a photo; in fact he took great delight in rubbing my nose in it. 'Look what Dead-Boy's up to, found himself a new Honey'. He was lucky I didn't tear out his ribcage and wear it as a hat.

Even after all this time, after everything we said about forgetting, the harsh words, I clung to the hope that you would be there for me if ever I needed you. But now there is someone else in your life, in your heart, and it hurts me more than I can bear.

*Seen you in a magazine
A picture at a party where you shouldn't have been
Hanging on the arm of someone else
I'm still in love with you*

Tonight. The final nail in the coffin. I arrived at Giles' to find Spike and Xander giggling over a magazine. When they realized I was there they were uncharacteristically quiet, it was then I knew something was wrong.

I snatched the magazine out of their hands and looked at it. There, in glorious Technicolor, was a photo of you and that actress; again. My eyes filled with uncontrollable tears as I read about Raven and her new and mysterious beau. It seems you are the talk of Tinsel Town.

*Now I know but a little too late
That I could not live without you*

There are so many if onlys. If only I hadn't let you walk away from me after the thwarted ascension. If only I had not said what I did at Thanksgiving. If only I had told you how much you meant to me. If only I hadn't sent you to hell. If only I hadn't slept with you. If only if only if only, that's all I am left with.

I have someone, but that is all he is, a someone. He's not the someone, if you know what I mean. It's like wanting steak, but having to settle for hamburger because the steak is out of your price range. He's nice, in a boring, secure, bland sort of way, exactly the kind of guy you said you wanted me to find. But all I ever wanted was you.

*Now I know there'll be times like this
When I couldn't reach out to no-one
Am I never gonna find someone
Who knows me like you do
Are you leaving me a helpless child
When it took so long to save me
Fight the devil and the deep blue sea
I'll follow you anywhere
I promise I'll be there*

What do I do now Angel?

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