Disclaimer: Not Joss. Not Tim Rice. Not Andrew Lloyd Webber. Not Madonna. Not Fox. Not Mutant Enemy. Not Sandollar. Not the WB. Not mine!
Rating: PG
Spoilers: S1/2/3 BtVS
Thanx: DB/JM/ASH/JB/JP/SC/GS www.sector14.co.uk and all @ Nocturnal
Distribution: If you've got my stuff then you have carte blanche... if not please ask and I will (probably!) say Oui!
Feedback: Do Angelus and Spike wear leather and drink blood?
Author's Notes: Ok, my muse is still a little bit shaky so my fics may well come in fits and starts! Lyrics in Italics
Summary: Angel's POV on the relationship (I need this after reading JP/SC's interview with the Hellmouth...v enlightening!)
Dedication: JM & ASH for making me laugh more @ N2K than I have done the rest of the year...you guys totally rock!

Where do we go from here?
This isn't where we intended to be
We had it all, you believed in me
I believed in you

It's all changed now. When we first met you thought I was someone connected with the Watcher's Council. Some annoying, cute but cryptic guy who kept popping up, warning you of trouble and then disappearing into the night.

Then you found out the truth. I am Angelus, the Scourge of Europe...or at least I was. I have a soul that keeps the demon in check but I am still the same creature. I am the thing that you are supposed to eradicate. I am a vampire.

We weren't supposed to fall in love. Fight to the death? Yes. Make (as Xander puts it) smoochies? No. But fall in love we did.

When we first kissed I lost control, it had been so long since I had had someone treat me with the tenderness and love that you did. The intensity of the feelings caught me unawares and I slipped into game face. You screamed and I bolted.

Certainties disappear
What do we do for our dream to survive?
How do we keep all our passions alive, as we used to do?

I hid; it is something I do well. I felt ashamed that I hadn't been able to temper the demon. But then you and Cordelia got into trouble (and Willow tore me off a strip). Then I realized that I couldn't bear it if something happened to you. I needed you.

Deep in my heart I'm concealing
Things that I'm longing to say
Scared to confess what I'm feeling
Frightened you'll slip away

The night we fought the Judge. We were both so scared of losing each other. Passion overtook us and we gave ourselves up to each other – a beautiful synchronicity of bodies. That was the single most wonderful and special night of my life.

What came after was a nightmare. My moment of true happiness in your arms caused Angelus to return and as him I took great delight in tormenting you and your friends. I raised Acathla and was poised to send the whole world to Hell when Willow managed to restore my soul, only for you to have to plunge a sword through my stomach and banish me to save humanity.

The night you came to the mansion to say goodbye to me was the night I returned. The power of your love, focused through the Claddagh acted like a magnet and drew me from Hell. I was weak, feral; all I knew was you.

Although you had moved on, although I had tormented you to the point of insanity, although I had killed Jenny Calendar and tortured Giles, you cared for me. You nursed me, brought me blood, sparred with me, helped me regain my sense of self. If it was possible, my love for you grew with each act of forgiveness.

Then came the First. It showed me what I was, urged me to seek comfort and sanctuary in your arms, to kill you. The anguish was more than my soul could bear and on Christmas Day I went to greet my first sunrise in nearly 250 years.

You came to find me, your whole body trembling with despair and love. You pleaded and you screamed, we argued and fought. But in the end the decision was made for us. For the first time in years it snowed in Sunnydale. In total awe we walked through the streets hand in hand, accepting who and what we were. Accepting the power of our love.

Why are you at my side?
How can I be any use to you now?
Give me a chance and I'll let you see how
Nothing has changed

Although we can't take pleasure in each other you still say that you want to be with me. I worry that I can't give everything that you deserve. I worry that love isn't enough.

You must love me

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