Disclaimer: No one mentioned here is mine.
Rating: Not PG but not NC17. Extreme emotions.
Warning: SEVERE ANGST WARNING – DEFINITELY NOT FLUFF
Spoilers: Seasons 3&4 BtVS/ Season 1 A-TS
Distribution: The BAFFA, Land of Denial – anyone else who wants it ask and yea shall (probably!) receive!
Thanx: DB/SMG & Co. Watched Passion last night and ended up buried in damp tissues with no make- up left! Sheila, Naomi, Joanne, Vernie, Cliff, Jane the Invisible Boss! Nik.
Author's Notes: This came to me as I was driving home last night and evolved after Passion. Buffy's side of things in normal font and Angel's in bold.

"So, we've survived another week. I say we Bronze it tonight. What d'you say O' Chosen One?"

They all looked at me expectantly.

"Count me out guys. I'm doing a couple of sweeps and then going home for some quality Mom/Daughter time. I'll catch you all on Monday." I gently kissed Riley on the cheek, hoisted my bag onto my shoulder and set off in the direction of Revello Drive...

…I'd been restless all day. I hadn't been able to sleep. Something was very wrong. As if on autopilot I began to gather together a change of clothes and some weapons. As soon as dusk hit I was driving to Sunnydale…

…I checked my bag again before heading down to the kitchen. Mom was sitting at the table reading. I leant over her shoulder.

"Anything interesting?"

She jumped.

"Buffy! You scared me."

"Sorry Mom, the temptation was hard to resist."

"Try! You hungry, only there's some chicken salad in.."

"No I'm fine. I'm meeting the guys at the Bronze after patrol so I'll get something then. I'll probably crash at Will's, she's doing the family thing this weekend."

"Ok Honey…"

…The closer I got to Sunnydale the more the feeling grew. Something was going to happen tonight. I only hoped I would get there in time…

…I sat on the mausoleum, my bag beside me, swigging from a bottle of soda. It was almost time…

…As soon as I saw her my 'spider sense' went into overdrive. I cautiously approached…

…"Well, look who showed up."

"What's going on Buffy?"

"I'm having a little party..and you're NOT invited." I drank some more.

"Where are the others?"

I shrugged and absently waved the hand holding the soda bottle in some vague direction. "Gone."

"You're not making sense Buffy."

"Nothing concerning me and my life ever has so why should I start now? Go away and play Angel, you're not wanted or needed here…"

…I moved closer. It was then that I saw the empty boxes and foil wrappers around her feet.

"Oh God Buffy! What have you done?"

She appeared to be dozy now and was beginning to slur her words. "I had a pain..here," she thumped her fist into the centre of her chest, "so I did something about it. Didn't work though, pain's still there. Guess I need to take some more." She began to rummage through her bag.

"How many have you taken Buffy?"

"Not enough." She started to press more pills from the foil into her palm. I flew at her and knocked them out of her hand.

"Bastard! You always spoil my fun."

"This isn't fun Buffy! This is serious." I tried to hold her but she pushed me away. Even in this state she was strong.

"No it's not." She stood, wavered, and then began to poke me in the chest. "Serious is what I thought 'we' were. This," she gestured around the cemetery with her arms, "this is what 'you' left me with. I'm stuck in a relationship with a guy I don't love and a pain that never goes away. So what the hell gives you the right to come here and start laying down the law? This is my normal life Angel, the life you wanted me to lead. Go away and let me lead it…"

…My vision was beginning to blur. I felt my knees give out and then everything went black…

…I caught her and lifted her into my arms. Snatching up her bag I started to run towards the hospital…

…The pacing was beginning to annoy me. No one would tell me what was going on. I hadn't rung anyone; Buffy was in no emotional state to be able to handle them. A voice brought me out of my reverie.

"Excuse me?"

I turned to face who had spoken, "Yes?"

"Are you Angel?" I nodded the affirmative.

"She's asking for you…"

…"Why d'you do it Angel?"

"I should be asking you that."

"Why didn't you just walk away? I can't go on like this any more. I'm sick of wearing a mask of happiness. I'm destroyed Angel. You were the one thing that made sense in my freaky world and now I don't even have that anymore. I've got no reason to go on. You should have let me die."

"What about your Mom? And Giles? And your friends?"

"My friends have pushed me into a one sided relationship because I need someone 'normal'. Mom? Mom is over the moon because I've met someone 'normal'. Giles is happy I'm living a 'normal' life. And you, you left me to live a 'normal' life. Can we see a pattern developing here? The one thing wrong with all of this is that no one asked me what 'I' wanted."

"And what do you want Buffy?"

"You…"

…I already knew the answer. If I'd known what my leaving her would drive her to I would never have gone. I realised she was still speaking.

"But I can't have you can I, and without you there's no point in carrying on. I should have known you'd pick up on the vibes. Guess next time I'll have to make sure you can't find me."

"STOP IT BUFFY! STOP IT!"

"What? You don't like the way I'm talking? I didn't enjoy our sewer chat but that didn't stop you. I'm going to kill myself Angel. You can waste your time following me around but it won't make any difference. One night you're not going to be there and then I'll be free."

"I love you so much. I was wrong to leave you, I know that now. If I could turn back time and take away your pain I would. I want to come back Buffy, will you have me?"

"That's just guilt talk. I'll say yes, you'll come back and then something will happen, someone will say something and you'll be off again. I'll take my chances with the pills Angel, they're more reliable."

I grabbed hold of her, crushed her to me and kissed her forcefully. "I love you. The scar on your neck brands you as mine. You 'are' mine. My place is with you and yours is with me. Yes I feel guilty, but that is because I was blind and stupid. I should never have left you. I listened to people who didn't know better. I listened to my illogical side. I should have stayed. We're soulmates. I'm staying now Buffy; you're not getting rid of me. Forever, that's the whole point."

I felt her relax into my embrace and then the sobbing started. Gently I rocked her.

"I couldn't go on. The pain never went away, it was driving me insane."

"I'll take it away Baby. I'm sorry I hurt you."

"Never again. This is our relationship Angel. I can't lose you again."

She curled up in a ball on my lap.

"You won't ever have to Baby, I'm here to stay."

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