Disclaimer – The characters belong to Joss Whedon. The title and the lyrics belong to the brilliant DumDums and are from their stunning debut album 'It Goes Without Saying' which came out on the 18/9/00 and you should all rush out and buy it!
Rating – PG
Spoilers – S3/S4 BtVS and S1 A:tS
Summary – Angel in overbrood – sorry! (Lyrics in italics)
Feedback – Is of the good!
Dedication – My beloved inspirations…hope to see you soon – xxx

Loneliness, plays it's wicked game with me
Maybe I'll be saved, but I have nothing to believe
With no-one in my arms, underneath a quiet sky
And nothing in my heart, a nothing symphony

It's at times like this, when the office is empty, Cordelia and Wesley have gone home and I am all by myself up here on the roof, that I really feel it. The nothing. When they are around it is enough, I can convince myself that I have everything I need right here but, in the quiet hours before the breaking of the dawn, that's when the façade falls away and I see the truth. I am alone.

It took me two hundred years to find her, I never thought myself worthy of love, shied away from it, but she broke down my barricades. And now in some small way I wish she hadn't. If I had never known love, maybe I would have a yearning for it, the knowledge that something was missing, but I wouldn't feel as if I was dying.

That sounds strange even to me, as I have been dead for a long time, but even the dead can die. Day by day a little of me fades away, and the only thing that can stop it is to be in her arms again.

The radio, plays the same six songs a day
Automatic words, cruel and comforting to me
Everything is bleak, people-less, hollow and concrete
Staring at the sea, but my thoughts are far from me

She has moved on, found everything I wanted for her, everything I wanted with her. She is right; my leaving was an act of selfishness and cowardice. I wanted to discover me, but I also wanted to escape seeing her wither, I'm not strong enough for that.

I know that I have changed since we've been apart; a fact Cordelia reminds me of daily. I've learnt that it is ok for me to smile, to laugh, to interact with people. I've learnt that I am worthy of the small pleasures I receive. But these are hollow rewards compared to her love.

I keep thinking that one day I will wake up and the pain will have faded, the next day it will have gone a little more, until I wake and feel…nothing. But that's just a fallacy, an illusion, a pipedream. Every day I wake to find the knife has been twisted and the wound is deeper. Emotionally I am bleeding dry.

I was giving it a little more time
I was giving it a little more time
I was giving it a little more time
But things don't seem to be getting better

How much longer can I go on? Will I find one day that my will has left me completely? I stare down at this city; it's people a colony of ants, hurrying and oblivious, somewhere to go, someone to be. Will I ever be a part of that?

The lonely people sail the sea
There'll be a storm inside of me
Until my ship comes in
All I have is what I am
On this island I will roam
Until my ship comes in

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