Disclaimer: Not Joss Whedon et al and not Chesney Hawkes So *so* not mine!
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Graduation Day 2 (that's all I think!)
Distribution: Just LMK
Author's Notes: Buffy's POV Lyrics in Italics Unbeated! (Sorry Jules – the urge just took me on this one)

Most of the time I feel as if my heart is stuck in my throat, and no amount of swallowing will force it back down to where it belongs. It's shattered you see, lodged there, as it has been since the day you walked out of my life without saying goodbye.

Can someone drown in their own tears? I think they can. I'm floundering in the ocean with no hope of reaching the shore.

I'm an idiot to believe that you want me as much as I want you, if you did you would never have been able to walk away. Do you want me at all? If you loved me half as much, then the fire of your passion and need would have burned you from the inside out as you took that first step.

Sometimes love can really fool you
It can turn your world inside out
Sometimes the sky seems to be falling
Every night you're not around

I can't see a way out of this. It's like being trapped in a deep pit with the sides caving in. You try to scream but the only sound you make is silence.

Silence. Do you know how impossibly loud silence is? It assaults your senses and hammers into your brain. Silence surrounds and cloaks you like a swirling curtain of fog, and it creeps up on you just as suddenly. It chokes you, stifling your very existence, blanketing your thoughts and emotions, blocking out all rationality and responses, just like pain. Silence and pain are intimate bedfellows, especially in my world.

Should I have called out to you? Should I have thrown myself to the ground and gone apoplectic? Should I have chased you, caught hold of you and either kissed or beaten sense into you? Tell me what I should have done; you seem to have all the answers.

So many words I should have spoken
If I felt then what I feel now
Sometimes a dream has to be over
Just like mine now you're not around

Will this ever end? Do you feel like this? Did you want me to have some idea what it's like to be you; to suffer a crippling pain every minute of every hour of every day? Did I do something to wound you? Even Angelus couldn't hurt me like this.

Everybody has to feel the rain sometimes
You were always shining through the pain in my life

The confusing part is, for most of the time I actually believed you cared, but then, quick as a flash you withdrew inside yourself again. Was it a game, a psychological torture, cat and mouse? Pat me with your paw, then slash me with your claws and see me bleed?

I want to hate you but I can't. I want to spit your name with venom. I want to say, 'Angel who? Oh *him*!' I want to see your memory, my love for you, crash and burn. I want to erase your very existence.

Sometimes you seem so distant
There's a part of you that wants to be free
Sometimes a flame blows out in an instant
But mine burns on though you're not around

It's like having an intense itch that, no matter how hard you try; you just can't reach to scratch. It's like a splinter, something so small that causes maximum irritation. Flies continually buzzing round you at a picnic. Does that sound strange?

I'm going insane; I don't live on this plane any more. An isolation bubble surrounds me, cuts me off from everyone and everything, except the pain. I have become an automaton, programmed to serve, programmed to slay.

Sometimes a friend can offer a shoulder
But it's way too late for that right now
Sometimes it's hard to lose what you live for
And I live for you, but you're not around

All I know is my love for you and the pain.

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