A/N: This is a non-happy B/A fic. I just got fired (the wording was 'let go', which is a pansy ass way of saying 'You're fired', btw!) today from my job for no goddamned reason, so my writing is a little angry and bitter. Plus, I watched Ryan's Fresley vid "Until The Day I Die", so this fic is going to be sad as well.
WARNING: CHARACTER DEATH
Pairings: B/A, F/W.
Rating: R, just cuz.
Spoilers: A Hole In The World, Shells, and a tiny spoiler about ep 20. Totally AU after that.
Summary: There's only one way to bring Fred back to life. One other life hangs in the balance in order for that to happen. Question is, when that one person is your soulmate, can you really give them up? B/A.
Warning: This is NOT a happily ever after fic. I'm expanding. Deal with it!

~Los Angeles, 2004~

“I want my world back, Spike.” Illyria cried. “These humans…They have too much emotion. I can feel her trying to claw her way back to the surface, her memories invading my mind. I can’t stand it.”

“Love, I know it’s hard.” Spike told her. “I can’t kill you. None of us can.”

“Please, Spike.” Illyria pled. “I know that you have the power within you to make this right.”

“Look, pet…” Spike sighed. “I’ll see what I can do to relieve your pain. I’m not guaranteeing you anything. You’re not her, though. You’ll never be her, and we can never get her back. Whether you like it or not, you injected yourself into her body, so those memories--they’re a part of you.”

“I know.” She sighed. “If I could--”

“You can’t. That’s the point here.” Spike told her and walked away.

***

Buffy drove silently to Wolfram and Hart’s law offices in Rome. Giles had tried to talk her out of what she was about to do, but she refused.

She almost killed Andrew for telling Angel those lies about Dana, the Slayer that Angel had gone out of his way to help.

He’d said that she didn’t trust him.

Ha!

Stupid little geek. What the Hell did he know?!

Nothing.

He wanted her to be with Spike, as did practically everyone else.

Spike a good friend and all, but he was never what she wanted. He was just a cool body to make her forget about the only thing she ever wanted.

And as much as she wanted to be with Angel now, it was too late.

The damage was done, and it was up to her to put it right.

Things had to finally come to an end. The world was ending and she had to put a stop to it the best way she knew how.

She had to give up her soul.

***

“She wants out.” Spike snapped at Angel as he entered his office.

“Don’t you ever knock?!” Angel asked, obviously annoyed.

“No.” he smirked and then his expression turned serious. “Illyria…she wants out of Fred’s body permanently.”

“It can’t be done, though.” Wes spoke up. “We already had this conversation before.”

“She thinks it can.” Spike plopped down in a vacant chair. “I don’t think she’ll stop until she gets what she wants, albeit from us or some innocent bystander.”

“Willow’s still MIA?” Wesley asked.

“I dunno. None of them are returning my phone calls.” Angel shrugged.

“Not just you, mate.” Spike told him. “Got in touch with the Niblet myself. Hung up on me and said never to show my face again.”

“So, we’re screwed.” Gunn sighed.

“Basically.” Angel nodded.

“So, research then.” Spike spoke. “Can’t let the evil one kill the lot of innocents.”

The group broke up in search of all the books they could find relating to Illyria’s situation.

And Illyria smiled to herself.

She was finally back in power.

***

Buffy felt the evil in this place as she assembled the necessary herbs in the alley right next to Wolfram and Hart.

Evil was calling to her, wanting her to succumb to the darkness.

She would have none of it.

Her sacrifice would not go out like this.

Death had a specific plan for her and she would not let it go to waste.

She watched as the blue-ish portal opened and swallowed her whole.

***

Angel suddenly gasped out loud. Wesley stared at him in disbelief.

“You okay?” he asked his friend.

“No.” Angel shook his head vigorously. “Something’s wrong, Wesley. Terribly wrong. I felt something go through me.”

“What was it?” Gunn asked.

“Death.”

***

Buffy landed feet first on the cement sidewalk in front of L.A.’s Wolfram and Hart Branch.

She breathed in a breath of fresh air and sighed.

This would be the last time she would ever see the sun shining.

She wiped away a tear that had somehow fallen onto her face and sighed deeply.

She had braced herself for what was to come.

Her death.

***

(Buffy’s POV)

No one even tried to stop me as I entered Wolfram and Hart’s offices.

Did they not know who I was?

I was a major player, and not for their team…Well, not before Angel had taken over anyway.

My Angel.

Did he know I was here?

We always could sense each other. Could he sense me coming now?

No, I suppose not.

I don’t think any of them suspected I was here.

Boy, were they in for the surprise of a century.

***

(Illyria’s POV)

I sensed her here.

The woman who will put me out of this world, away from these humans.

I’ll never understand why a beautiful, vibrant woman would want to sacrifice herself so that someone else would be able to live.

She had power over all of them, especially the one they call Angel. He won’t be pleased.

Oh well, this will do.

***

Harmony didn’t even look up when Buffy approached her desk.

“Where’s Angel?” Buffy demanded.

“In there.” the vampire pointed to the direction of his office.

“Thanks, Harm.” Buffy scoffed. “You’ve really mastered the plan of sucking up to my boyfriend.”

Harmony’s eyes snapped up to the Slayer. She snarled at her.

“Cat got your tongue?” the blonde Slayer quirked. “It’s been real, Harm. I got a vampire to go see, a ritual that involves me as the sacrifice, the usual.”

“What?!” Harmony yelled. “You can’t go in there.”

“You, vampires. Did anyone ever tell you that you’re deeply stupid?’ Buffy asked. “Look, I could snap your neck before you even moved a muscle and you couldn’t stop me. But I won’t, because you’re one of the only friends Spike has left, whether he considers you that or not. Plus, he’s gonna need you to take care of him after I’m gone.”

“Where are you going?” Harmony asked.

“I’m dying, Harm. So, the million dollar question is, am I going up or down?” Buffy pointed in either direction.

Harmony never answered and Buffy turned around and left the girl standing in the middle of the hallway, a silent tear rolling down her face for one of the world’s most renowned champion.

Buffy sighed and placed her hand on the door handle. There was really no turning back now, was there?

She opened the door slowly and walked in, ready to face the doom and gloom that lay ahead of her.

Part Two

Spike was the first one to look up. He hadn’t even heard any commotion at all, which was abnormal because Buffy and Harmony hated each other with a passion.

“Buffy.” He mouthed.

“Hi, Spike.” Buffy forced herself to smile. “How are you?”

“Good, pet.” He shrugged. “You here to see Peaches.”

“Ya, where is he?” Buffy asked.

“Upstairs, in his apartment. Are you two gonna shag, cuz I really don’t wanna stick around for that.” Spike moved to leave, but Buffy put her hand up to stop him.

“That’s not why I’m here, Spike.” Buffy admitted. “God, I didn’t want to do it this way.”

“What are you talking about?” Spike asked her.

“I came to say goodbye.” she sighed. “I’m not coming back, Spike.”

“Ha ha. That’s a good one, love.” he chuckled. “You really had me going there.”

“I’m serious.” Buffy told him. “I came to say goodbye.”

“Where are you going?” Spike asked.

“Where all things go after they die.” she sobbed. “I can’t stay, Spike. I wish I could, but I made a promise. Now I have to keep it.”

“What’s this promise?” he asked, intrigued.

“I can’t tell you.” she told him. “And I don’t want you to be sad for me, Spike. I need you to be strong. I know that you can be when Angel won’t the will to live. I need you to keep him from doing the unthinkable. I know that you two hate each other, but please, do this for me, okay?”

“All right, love.” he cried.

Buffy smiled one last time and moved to the door. She turned back to Spike.

“I really did miss you, Spike.” she told him and walked out the door.

And once more, Spike started to cry for the one woman he couldn’t save.

***

Buffy found Wesley and Gunn in her former watcher’s office, researching in some musty old book. She knocked softly at the door.

“Hello.” Gunn smiled at her. “How can I help you?”

“You must be Gunn.” Buffy chuckled. “Hi, Wes.”

“Buffy.” he hugged the former Slayer. “It’s good to see you. Are you here to see Angel?”

“No.” she shook her head. “I need to talk to you…alone.”

“That’s my cue, huh?” Gunn nodded. “It’s nice to meet you, Buffy. Can I just say that I’d thought you’d be taller?”

“I get that a lot.” she chuckled at Gunn. “Oh, and Gunn?”

“Yeah?” he asked her.

“Good luck.” she winked at him and turned back to Wes as Gunn left.

“So, what’s new?” Wesley asked.

“A lot, actually.” Buffy told him as he motioned for her to sit down. “Wes, the reason I’m here, it’s because of Fred…or Illyria, as she is now.”

“How do you know about that?” Fred wondered.

“I’m head of the Watcher’s Council, Wes. There’s very little we don’t know.” Buffy opened her bag. “This is an Orb of Thessulah, I’m sure that you’ve heard of it, being around Angel and all. This little baby here, holds one’s soul until it can be transferred. This can hold Fred’s soul.”

“But I thought--” Wes muttered.

“There’s a catch, Wes.” Buffy sat down again and placed the orb on his desk. “The catch is for Fred to have her soul back, someone else had to give theirs up.”

“Someone else?” Wes repeated.

“Without a soul in a human body, the human is literally jello. A soul makes them who they are. Without it, they die.” Buffy explained.

“Why are you telling me this?” he asked her.

“Because, Wes…” Buffy stood up. “I’m surprised you hadn’t figured it out, yet.”

“What?” he asked and then it hit him. “No, no.”

“Wes, I’m giving my soul so that Fred can have hers.” Buffy explained.

“Like Hell.” a voice called from the doorway.

Part Three

The blonde Slayer paced around her small hotel room the following evening. Things had been a little rocky lately, but all in all, practically everything was going according to plan.

Fred was going to come back, and she was going to die. Plain and simple.

She was never going to live to see Dawn graduate from college, or see Angel turn human.

No, she was never going to see those things because her destiny was to die to save another.

Just so happened that person was Fred.

And she’d be damned if she was the cause of one more innocent’s life.

No, she had to do this. She couldn’t be selfish…could she?

Fred had so much more to live for. She had a real future with Wesley.

Six, long years ago, someone would have said the same thing about Buffy.

Now, she was just another pretty face in a long line of vampire Slayers, and she wanted to go out that way.

A cellular phone ringing broke Buffy out of her thoughts.

“Buffy Summers.” she answered sweetly into the phone.

“Hello.” the voice replied into the phone.

Buffy felt an all too familiar chill rush over her.

Oh boy.

***

“Riley.” Buffy spoke flatly. “Why are you calling me?”

“Giles gave me your number. He’s worried about you, Buffy.” Riley told his ex-girlfriend. “He said you were about to do something very stupid.”

“What things do I do that aren’t considered stupid and childish?” Buffy muttered out loud. “Look, Ri, don’t concern yourself. It’s nothing. I just needed to see Angel.”

“Then why haven’t you seen him?” Riley asked. “Giles told me that you’ve seen everyone but him. What the Hell’s going on, Buffy?”

“Riley, just butt out, all right?!” Buffy snapped at him. “How dare you! You can’t just call me up, and give me your holier than thou speech because Giles saw it fit enough to call you. I’m 23 years old, and I can manage my life.”

She shut her cell phone immediately, leaving a stunned Riley on the other end. Buffy was sop angry that she took her cell phone and watched it shatter into a million little pieces as she threw it against the wall.

How dare he? He’s the one who left. They all left her.

Now the roles were reversed.

She was leaving them.

***

Spike couldn’t fucking take anymore. He had to do something, stop her somehow. Even if it meant letting her and the Bloody Poof shag at least a million times over.

At least she’d be alive then.

Said vampire chose that moment to walk into his office.

“Thought I told you to get lost.” Angel sighed, not even looking up at Spike from the documents in his hand. “What do you want, Spike?”

“She’s gonna do it, Angel.” Spike growled. “I can’t stop her.”

“We’ll stop Illyria.” Angel promised. “Even if I have to kill her myself.”

“Not Illyria.” Spike knocked the papers out of his hands, making Angel look up at him. “She’s back in town, Angel, and she’s Hellbent on making sure that Fred lives.”

“Okay…” Angel nodded. “Who?”

“Buffy, nimrod.” Spike growled louder. “She was here earlier. Talking about some plan that she had for bringing Fred back. Something about transferring someone’s soul or some bullshit like that. She came by not long after you’d left. I think she went to mention it to Wesley.”

“Find him.” Angel snarled. “I don’t want anyone leaving this building until I find Buffy, especially Wesley or Illyria. She can’t transfer her soul into something that she doesn’t have.”

Part Four

“Goddamit, Giles!” Buffy snapped at her former watcher. “I told you to stay in England.”

“I told you not to do this.” he snarled at her. “No offense, Wesley. Lately, she’s been acting rather rash.”

“Wes, ignore him, please.” Buffy told him. “You want your girlfriend back, don’t you? Fred had a vibrant, beautiful life ahead of her, and that ‘Illyria’ took it all away. I’m offering you a chance to be with your true love. Take it.”

“Wesley, don’t.” Giles warned.

“I don’t know.” Wesley spat. “Both of you are acting childish. What you’re asking, Buffy, goes against the rules of all magic. I don’t know that it can be done.”

“I already told you, it can.” Buffy muttered.

“If something went awry, if it backfired somehow, Angel would never forgive me.” Wesley reminded her.

“This is not Angel’s decision.” Buffy shouted. “He lost that right when he left. This is my life, my soul, and no one but me decides my fate! And I’m choosing to give Fred my soul.”

“I’m sorry.” Wesley shook his head. “I can’t let you do that.”

“You can’t stop me.” Buffy chuckled. “None of you can. I’m stronger than all of you put together, and I’m choosing this. Better say your prayers, Watcher-boys, because I’m about to make history…end.”

Part Five

Buffy stared out into the city lights from her dimly lit hotel room. She knew Angel was trying to locate her, trying to do all he could to stop her.

They had a connection. He was just too stupid to realize that he couldn’t save her.

No one could.

That’s why she never understood why Willow brought her back. If her best friend had focused on more important things than bringing her back from the great beyond, maybe Tara would still be alive today.

Buffy turned her head away. She couldn’t think like that anymore. Death was a part of her, just like it was a part of everyone else. Maybe more so, in her case.

She walked slowly back into her hotel room and focused on the scattered items on the countertop. She had gotten her supplies long before coming to Los Angeles.

If Angel and Crew were trying to find out where she had gotten her majicks at, they’d fail. Not even Giles, her beloved Watcher knew.

She still didn’t know why he was helping Angel. Giles had always hated him, even before Jenny came into the picture. ‘Course, it didn’t help that he killed her, but that was the past.

She’d failed him and herself.

She opened the spell book and flipped to the bookmarked page. It was ironic, wasn’t it, that the ritual she needed was in the very book that first predicted her death?

She lit the candles and placed them around in a circle. She sat in the middle of the circle and started to recite the ritual written in Latin to English:

“Spirits of the Dead,
I call thee
Take my sacrifice of soul
And place it into the body with a gaping hole
Let what is done come undone
Let what is done come undone
Come undone!”

Buffy felt the life moving out of her body. She laughed a hollow laugh. She didn’t even hear anyone bursting through the door.

“Buffy!” Angel called, as he cradled her body on his lap.

“Angel?” she blinked, looking up at him.

“What did you do?” he snapped at her.

“Hey, don’t cry.” She murmured. “Those better be happy tears. See, this way, everyone wins. You get your friend and your humanity back.”

“Don’t talk like that.” he shook his head. “I won’t let you die.”

“Oh, my Angel.” She pressed her palm to his cheek. “You can’t save me. I’m sorry. Goodbye.”

Then Buffy Summers took in her last breath.

“No, no!” Angel cried. “No. Don’t you take her from me! Don’t fucking take her from me!”

“It’s over, mate.” Spike put on hand on his grandsire’s shoulder.

“Spike, get away.” Angel growled. “I want to see Wesley right away. He’s going to put Fred’s newfound soul back in her body, even if it kills them in the process.”

Part Six

“What…Where am I?” Fred asked aloud.

“Fred?” Wesley spoke. “She did it. I’ll be damned.”

“Wesley!” she rushed into her boyfriend’s arms. “Oh my God. I thought I lost you forever.”

“Fred, stop.” he pushed his girlfriend away. “I can’t--”

“How…how am I here?” she asked him. “What happened?”

“A woman named Buffy Summers gave you her soul.” Wesley explained. “I’m not sure what happened to her now.”

“Buffy?” Fred echoed. “As in…”

“The same.” Wesley nodded. “Do you know of any reason why she would?”

“No.” Fred shook her head. “I never even met the girl. Seen pictures of her in some of Angel’s older demonology books but other than that, nothing. I don’t know why she would give me her soul.”

Wesley’s cell phone rang. He frowned at Fred.

“Pryce.” He spoke.

“Wes, it’s me.” Angel told him. “Fred is there with you?”

“Yeah.” Wesley said. “What’s happening? How’s Buffy?”

“She’s…she’s dead, Wes.” Angel explained. “I need you and Fred to meet me at the hotel as soon as possible.”

Wesley watched Fred as Angel went into more detail. She looked sad, like something was plaguing her thoughts.

“Yeah, we’ll be there.” Wesley said and hung up.

“She gave up everything for him.” Fred sighed.

“Excuse me?” Wesley sighed. “Who?”

“Buffy.” Fred looked into Wes’ eyes. “I have her memories and mine. I can feel her pain, Wesley, and it was so strong. She passed her soul onto me because she knew what would happen and she can’t stop it. She thought it’d be easier for Angel to cope if she wasn’t around.”

“So, Buffy thought arranging a vast new form of suicide would be the trick?” Wesley snickered.

“No.” Fred cast her eyes downward. “She started to have these headaches soon after she left Sunnydale. Went to see a demonologist doctor and he told her that she had brain cancer. Funny, isn’t it? A former Slayer dying of something so normal as brain cancer?”

“Fred…” Wesley moved towards her but she backed away.

“She didn’t want Angel to see her like this.” Fred wrapped her arms around herself. “She thought of it as a sign of weakness. Felt she always had to be strong. Not just for him, for everyone.”

“Fred…” Wesley called out to her. “What happened to Buffy, it’s not your fault.”

“Not my fault, Wesley?!” Fred yelled at him. “If I hadn’t been so eager to open that package, this never would have fucking happened. Angel wouldn’t be grieving right now, and I wouldn’t have to feel all this pain and responsibility for people I don’t even know. How am I supposed to forget that this isn’t anything but my fault? Huh? Tell me, cuz I really feel clueless right now.”

Wesley just stands there, in shock that Fred would react this way.

“See? You know it too.” Fred pushed him out of her way. “Tell Angel I’ll be there within the hour. Goodbye Wesley.”

Fred walked out of the room and out of the building. She wasn’t even a block away when she started having flashes.

//”Who are you?”
“Let’s just say I’m a friend.”
“Maybe I don’t want a friend.”
“I didn’t say I was yours.”

“You can have your jacket back.”
“It looks better on you.”
“Oh boy.”//

“Get out of my head!” Fred screamed. “Get out! Get out! Get out!”

“I can’t.” a voice said from behind her.

Fred turned around and came face to face with the ghost of Buffy Summers.

“Oh my God.” Fred spoke.

“Not God.” Buffy walked closer. “Buffy Summers. I don’t think we were properly introduced.”

“Why did you do it?” Fred asked. “I never wanted this.”

“What, a soul?” Buffy’s expression darkened. “Or, the responsibility of other people’s lives? I’m sorry for what you had to go through, Fred, but you had more to gain than me. I was dying anyway. Maybe after doing one last good deed, I was finally redeemed.”

“For who?” Fred asked.

“I don’t know. For Angel, I think.” Buffy shrugged. “I know he never forgave me for Spike, and I can’t ever blame him for that. I could never have lived with myself knowing that I could save one more person, Fred. I need you to understand that. That’s not the real reason I’m here, anyway.”

“Why are you here then?” Fred asked.

“To help you.” Buffy stated.

“Help me?!” Fred snapped. “Then take your soul out of me. I want my own.”

“It doesn’t work like that. My soul is the only thing keeping you alive right now. Without it, you die and a lot more is at stake than what was with my sacrifice.” Buffy told her. “Look, I know how my memories are affecting you, Fred.”

“You know, do you?” Fred laughed. “You can’t possibly. I look at Angel in a whole new light, and I can feel all the pain you went through.”

“It isn’t a part of you, though. It’s a part of me.” Buffy reminded her. “You can control those emotions, Fred. You can lead your life like you used to. You just have to find it in yourself to channel those thoughts and feelings. Don’t let my former life get in the way of your happiness. There were certain reasons about why I did what I did and they have nothing to do with the memories you have, or what you told Wesley.”

“I’m not sure I can let it go.” Fred sighed. “I feel like we’re connected.”

“We are.” Buffy smiled. “In a way, I guess we always will be.”

“What am I supposed to tell Angel?” Fred asked. “He wants to bring you back. I don’t think he’s really too concerned about the consequences right now.”

“Angel…” Buffy cried silently for her lost love. “Angel needs to grieve right now. He’s not thinking straight when it comes to my death. He never really did. I don’t know how to get through to him, Fred. Right now, the only person that can do that is you.”

“Me? He looks at me with disgust and resentment.” Fred spoke.

“He’s in pain, Fred. He tends to lash out at the people he cares about most. My Watcher, Rupert Giles, once told me that death is never is easy.” Buffy sighed. “It’s not. Most people never get over the death of a loved one. Angel has lost so much more than that. Me, Cordelia, even Doyle. I know you can get through to him, Fred. Please.”

“I’ll try.” Fred nodded.

“Thanks.” Buffy felt a chill. “I have to go. Do one more thing for me?”

“Sure.” Fred agreed.

“Watch out for him, okay?” Buffy replied. “He’s going to get worse before he gets better and that tends to include sloppiness in his work. He’s going to try to keep everyone at bay and be more concerned about his job than anything.”

“I’ll remember that.” Fred made a mental note.

“Goodbye, Fred.” Buffy said and vanished.

“No. Life’s not too complicated at all.” Fred muttered and walked the rest of the way to the Hyperion in silence.

Part Seven

Buffy watched as Fred walked to the Hyperion, knowing that she had done the right thing.

Right?

She felt a presence come up behind her and sighed.

“I hate it when you do that.” Buffy told him.

“Sorry, lass. Habit.” Doyle told her.

“I did the right thing, Doyle. I know I did.” Buffy reassured herself. “Don’t you think?”

“I don’t know, myself.” He shrugged. “Delia seems to think so, but I don’t know. When you died before, I remember checking in on him from time to time. Do you remember that?”

“Mmm.” Buffy nodded. “He hides his grief well. I give him points for that. I don’t want him to hold it anymore, Doyle. He needs to grieve. I’m not going back. This is my home now, with you and Cordelia. Why can’t he accept that?”

“Look at it from his point, Buffy.” Doyle suggested. “Here’s a vampire who got a gift, his soul, and has the constant reminder of all those who were subjected to his torture and murder. He finally found love, with you, and then is forced to leave town by the constant prodding of your mom and that former mayor of your town. Then he has that perfect day with you and was forced to take it back so that you can live out your unhappy mortal life. Then, about a year and a half later, you sacrifice yourself to save your sister, who shouldn’t even have existed in the first place. You return to your former life, and hold resentment towards everyone, including Angel himself. Everything’s fine for awhile after you get a grip on reality. Then you almost die in the End Of Days, a battle which Angel was supposed to actively participate in. Instead, you tell him to leave and then turn over the power to Spike, thus choosing Spike over Angel. Then you find out your fate, and you can’t even go to him and tell him that you will die from brain cancer.”

“I couldn’t, Doyle.” Buffy argued. “He wouldn’t have believed me, anyway, and would have fought for a cure that was never there. You know him as well as I do. He can’t accept these sort of things. He thinks it’s a curse, that he was being punished for what he did as Angelus. So, I took an easy way out, is that a crime?”

Doyle remained silent.

“I thought so.” Buffy turned back to watching Fred. “She’ll do real good, Doyle. I know it. It was all for the best, you’ll see.”

***

Fred walked into the Hyperion, where Angel, Lorne, Spike, and Gunn were already ready waiting for her. She smiled sadly.

“Hey.” she nodded.

“Are you…you know, you?” Gunn asked.

“Yeah, it’s me.” she turned to Angel. “Angel, I need to talk to you. What you’re doing is pretty rash, don’t you think?”

“Figures you would say that.” he growled at her. “After all, you’re still alive, aren’t you?”

“I didn’t choose this, you know!” she yelled at him. “You act like I wanted to be here, you know? She chose me, not the other way around. When I died before, it was painful, and I felt like everything inside me was being ripped away for no reason. I was happy where I was, and then I was torn out of there by your girlfriend. So, don’t take this self righteous act with me, Angel. If you hadn’t left me, this never would have happened!”

Angel stopped and looked at her strangely. Fred realized her mistake.

“I have her memories in me, Angel.” Fred explained. “And it kills me to say this, but you have to let her go. She’s not coming back. There’s no Willow here to resurrect her. I know it’s killing you, Angel. I feel like I know her from the way you’ve talked about her, plus the recent addition of her memories and mine, I want to believe that she’s a part of me…And based upon those things, I think that she wouldn’t condone you acting this way. Buffy would want you to move forward, keep fighting. I don’t think she would have done what she did if she didn’t think you could’ve handled it, you know? She would want to move on with your life, or undead life in your case. Grieve for her, Angel, but don’t let her death be in vain.”

“I’m not sure I know how to, Fred.” Angel sighed. “When she died before, I didn’t want to go on grieving. I took those months off, and quite frankly wanted to die with her, despite the lie I told to Cordelia. Then she came back. It was like all that I grieved for was for naught, you know? She wasn’t herself when we saw each other, and I didn’t want to believe it. I was bound and determined to have her be the same old Buffy Summers that I fell in love with. That’s why our meeting didn’t go over well. When I saw her again to give her the amulet, she was better. I think she finally found her place in all of this insanity. I think I even love her more for what she did for you, Fred. The gist is that I’m not sure I’m capable of moving on. She was more important to me than anyone, more important than Cordelia, Connor, even more important than my humanity. Now she’s gone and I can’t bring myself to deal.”

“Who’s Connor?” Fred asked.

“Connor?” Angel repeated.

“Yeah, Connor. You’ve mentioned that name before, Angel. Cordelia, actually Spirit Cordelia, mentioned him as well. Who is he?”

“Guess it’s time for me to fess up, huh?” he chuckled nervously. “Connor…was my son, Fred. He was born from Darla and I. Got kidnapped when he was weeks old, and then he came back from Quortoth, a Hell Dimension. He hated me, almost killed himself and a bunch of innocents when Lilah offered me a chance to give him a better life. The catch was that only I would remember him. So, I took it. He never wanted this life of demons and darkness. I gave him back a normal life. I honestly don’t know why Cordelia knew.”

“I understand why you did that, Angel, but, we shouldn’t keep secrets from each other. We all have kept these secrets and look what it’s done. So, no more. Have any other horrid details you want to share?” Fred commented.

“You remember Marcus, the old guy who I switched bodies with?” Angel asked.

“Yeah, vaguely.” Fred nodded.

“I think he slept with Lilah.” Angel confessed.

“What?” Fred replied, not believing it.

***

“What?!” Buffy yelled from above. “Oh no, Angel. You don’t get away with saying something like that.”

“What are you gonna do?” Doyle chuckled from beside her. “In case you’ve forgotten, lass, you are technically dead, and incorporeal, might I add.”

“Fred saw me.” Buffy reminded him.

“Fred’s your link to the world now.” Doyle remarked. “Anything you need to say, you communicate through her. She’s the only one who can see or hear you now. We’re not meant to communicate with the living world, Buffy. In the case that we need to, every spirit has a vessel that is chosen to communicate through. Fred is yours, just as Cordelia was mine.”

“This is bullshit, Doyle!” Buffy screamed. “When I was here before, the rules were different.”

“Your body didn’t die then like it did this last time.” Doyle reminded her. “When you died this last time, your body was like goo, with no mental structure to it. You can’t appear in that form again because you have no mental awareness of who you are. Fred does. She has your soul and can imitate you. She can speak the way you spoke, act like you, even virtually shapeshift into your body. She is your link to that world, Buffy, whether you choose to accept it or not. You chose to die for a better cause, which is something the Powers are not too happy about right now. You weren’t meant to die for some time yet with that tumor, and Fred wasn’t meant to die at all. The Dark Powers convened and changed this. Their vessel to evil inside Angel’s group was Knox, someone who Fred felt she could trust at the time.”

“He betrayed her, thus sealing his nonexistence.” Buffy growled. “I can’t believe this, Doyle. I can’t believe that I can only communicate through Fred.”

“I’m sorry.” Doyle apologized. “It is not our decision. The Powers decided this and we have to obey.”

He turned around and walked slowly out of the room.

“Sorry’s not good enough, Doyle.” Buffy muttered. “Fuck this. I will make you listen to me, lover, no matter what I have to do.”

Part Eight

~A Week Later~

“What color do you think she’d like?” Giles asked as they walked into the funeral parlor.

“Does it matter? It’s not like she’s going to be around to see it.” Dawn grumbled.

“Dawn.” Giles scolded.

“No, she’s right.” Angel agreed. “I don’t want to be here, Giles. None of us should, but we are.”

“That we are, sweetie.” Buffy nodded from her place in a corner of the room. “I’m here, even when you can’t see me.”

“She’d hate black.” Dawn spoke, moving through Buffy to look at the caskets on display. “Buffy lived in the dark enough, she doesn’t need it consuming her now.”

“Okay.” Angel nodded.

“No white. Something neutral?” Dawn suggested.

“I agree.” Angel nodded and then pointed to a casket. “How about this one, Dawn? It’s a solid maple oak.”

“I like it.” she smiled sadly. “I think Buffy would like it, too.”

“It’s too damn expensive.” Buffy cursed. “You could drop my body in a wood box, and it wouldn’t make a difference. I won’t be able to feel anything.”

Buffy felt Cordelia’s presence close by.

“Do you…You think they’ll be okay?” she asked out loud.

“Hmm? With what?” Cordelia asked her.

“With me gone. With Fred having memories of the only real love I ever knew. Do you think they’ll be okay with that?” Buffy asked, her tears about to show through.

“They’ll never be okay, not fully.” Cordelia told her. “Losing the one you love…It’s like no other pain in the world. You feel like your whole insides have been ripped out, you know?”

“I seem to vaguely remember.” Buffy sighed sarcastically. “I’m not sure that I did the right thing, Cordelia.”

“Buffy, what you did…It was selfless and heroic. There’s nothing wrong with that. If Angel isn’t able to accept that, maybe he never understood the meaning of love. You did something that most people wouldn’t do. That’s what sets you apart from the people around you. You did things for other people--for the world--that no one, not even the greatest ‘warrior’ could do. You died to save millions.” Cordelia reminded her.

“So did you.” she smiled at her friend.

“I guess I did, didn’t I?” Cordelia grinned. “You ready to go home?”

“Yeah, I just want to say goodbye to him first.” Buffy commented.

“Buffy, you know you can’t--” Cordelia started to say.

“I know, Cordy.” Buffy nodded. “I just want to say goodbye to him, one last time. I owe him that much, and if God himself wants to ship me off to Hell himself, then I’ll let him. I need to say goodbye to him, and he needs some final closure.”

“All right.” Cordelia nodded. “I’ll give you until the night after the funeral. Three days time. Don’t blow it.”

Cordelia moved to leave.

“Thank you, Cordelia.” Buffy whispered as a tear rolled down her cheek. “Thank you.”

~Two Days Later~

Fred noticed Buffy during the funeral. She was sitting next to Angel, her arm laying on his shoulder. What the Hell was she doing here?

Buffy watched as her casket was lowered into the ground. She felt her love’s sadness. His emotion was radiating off himself, and she felt it firsthand.

“At least you chose the right type of casket, honey.” she joked to herself.

Fred stared at the ghost of the former Slayer in awe. She wasn’t alone; there was Cordelia, and an attractive but kind of short, brunette haired man standing next to her as well.

*What are they doing here?* Fred thought to herself. *Why am I all of a sudden able to see dead people?*

Buffy couldn’t take it anymore. Being at her own funeral was just too surreal.

“I’m leaving, Cordy.” Buffy whispered. “I’m going to wait for him back at the hotel. You sure this will work?”

“Yes.” Cordelia nodded. “How do you know he’ll be back at the Hotel?”

“I know.” Buffy stated. “I hope this works.”

“It will.” Cordelia promised her. *It better or else we’re all fucked with the Powers That Be.*

Part Nine

Buffy waited silently in the lobby of the Hyperion for her lover. Cordelia had promised her that the whole ‘human for a few hours’ ritual was supposed to be done by the time Angel got back from the cemetery.

It was now 7:33.

No sign of Angel and no feeling of humanity.

Buffy had just about had enough when she felt someone enter the Hyperion from behind her….

“I’ve been waiting for you.” she smiled and turned around.

What she got was none other than…

“Wesley.” Buffy spoke his name.

“Buffy.” Wesley nodded sadly.

“You can see me?” she asked.

“In the flesh.” he told her. “I thought you died.”

“I did. Still am.” Buffy replied. “I came to say goodbye….to Angel. Have you seen him?”

“He’s at the graveyard.” Wesley remarked. “Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean it hurts any less.”

“I know…” Buffy sighed, looking down at the ground. “How’s Fred?”

“I wouldn’t know…” Wesley told her. “She quit Wolfram and Hart today…She’s leaving Los Angeles, Buffy.”

“What?!” Buffy shook her head. “No. NO. That wasn’t the plan. It wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“It did.” Wesley told her. “Maybe it was better…before. If Fred had never come back, if Illyria had stayed…”

“No, Wesley…” Buffy shook her head. “That’s not…”

“True? I think it is…” Wesley argued. “She’s not the same, you know? She’s more reserved….She wasn’t like that before.”

“Fred’s got…a lot going on right now, inside her head.” Buffy told him. “She’ll be all right, Wesley. Trust me…She just…She needs time, you know? To sort through everything. She was gone, Wesley. I don’t think that’s something you ever fully recover from. I know I didn’t.”

“Why didn’t you?” Wesley asked as Buffy sat down next to him on the sofa.

“Being in heaven…” Buffy sighed. “It’s not something you can ever forget, Wesley. It’s peaceful, true happiness in the fullest sense of the word. There’s nothing bad there, nothing to worry about…It’s a perfect place...Fred was there, Wesley. And she was torn out of there…by me. I was selfish and stupid. I just wanted to end it all…The pain, the not knowing if you were going to survive the week, let alone the same day…I didn’t want to live the rest of my life in fear of that, you know? I couldn’t tell Angel…He wouldn’t have accepted it. You know that, Wesley. He would have wasted his time searching for a cure that just isn’t there. He had and still does have more important things to worry about. His impending humanity, for one thing.”

“So, it’s true?” Wesley’s eyes went wide. “Angel will be the vampire to Shanshu?”

“It’s always been that way, Wes. Long before Spike ever came along. If Angel keeps on fighting, then he will Shanshu. If not…then the prophecy will remain until he finishes his quest.” Buffy smiled. “Spike was never in the running, Wesley. He came back because Lindsey McDonald wanted to see Angel suffer, and he thought the best way to do that was to make Spike come back. He figured Spike and I would meet up. There’s just one thing Lindsey never factored into that scenario…I don’t love Spike. Not in that way. I never did. He was just a cold body to get me through the long nights.” Buffy admitted and stood up. “Things will work out, Wesley. You’ll see. Everything always works out.”

She moves to walk out the door and looks back to Wesley.

“Buffy?” he asked.

“Yeah?” she replied.

“Are you an angel?” he questioned.

“Maybe.” Buffy chuckled. “Or maybe I’m just a woman who wants to do right by those that she cares about. Goodbye, Wesley Wyndham Pryce.”

***

//I wanted you to know
I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away//

Buffy found Angel sitting on the ground next to her grave. Buffy knew that stance of his. He was brooding…grieving in his own way. He didn’t even feel her sit next to him.

“Someone once told me that grieving is a part of life, and that to begin healing for someone you’ve lost you have to grieve for them first. So…why can’t you do that now, hmm?” Buffy asked him.

//I keep your photograph
I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain//

“You’re dead.” Angel shook his head.

“Very much so.” Buffy agreed, nodding her head. “I can’t find any peace yet. The reason being because you can’t let go. I need you to let go, Angel.”

“I can’t.” Angel shook his head. “I can’t ever let go.”

“I’m not asking you to forget, Angel. I need you to heal. You have to grieve, Angel. You can’t fight what’s to come if your focus is elsewhere. You’re our strongest warrior, you know?” Buffy sighed when he said nothing. “I know you feel betrayed…”

//'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel light when you're gone away//

“Betrayed?!” he turned to look her in the eye. “You think I feel betrayed, Buffy? I feel betrayed, hurt, angry. You decided to commit yourself to death, and didn’t even see fit to tell me.”

“It wasn’t your decision. It was my life, Angel. Mine. I didn’t choose to get this gig, I didn’t choose to fall in love with you, and I sure as Hell didn’t choose to get brain cancer…You made many decisions without my input, and so I chose to do the same, you know?” Buffy explained. “I don’t expect you to understand, Angel. I’m quite sure that you won’t. I just needed you to hear it from me. You don’t need me here to help you fight. You never did. You just needed a reason to believe in yourself, and for you to witness your own potential.”

//The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
There's so much left to learn & no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high & steal your pain//

“I need you here.” Angel stated, grasping at anything to get her to stay.

“Don’t make this hard, Angel.” Buffy sighed. “I'm just on a different road... and this is my off-ramp. The Powers That Be owed me one, and I didn't waste it. I got my guy back on track. That’s all that really matters here.”

//'Cause I’m broken when im open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you're gone away
'Cause I’m broken when im open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough//

“Buffy…” Angel cried.

“We take what we can get, champ, and we do our best with it. I'll be seeing you.” She told him and disappeared. “I’ll always be with you. Forever and always.”

Angel whispered, “Goodbye Buffy Anne Summers. I love you. Forever and always.”

//'Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you're gone away//

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