Summary- After 'Life Taken'. Buffy now has a soul.
Rating- PG13 to light R

Disclaimer- Do I look like an acid tripping evil genius to you? Didn't think so.
Distribution- HA! HaHA! You want it, really? Ha.go ahead.
AN- This is not a fluffy fic. Its kinda dark and I'm trying to do this on Buffy's POV. I've never done POV before so if it sucks. I'll be changing it.
Dedication- Everyone who sent me feedback on 'Life Taken'. This is for you.
Feedback- Love it.

Oh my God. What have I done? I feel so numb. So cold. That's all I feel. The coldness. It's seeping into my dead bones so fast. Angel is trying to sooth me with empty words.

"It'll be ok," he says.

"Just give it time," he says.

Time! Ha! I've got fucking eternity to feel this ice cold guilt. As for it being ok, it'll never be ok. Angel knows that. I know it. Hell, even Spike and Faith know it. That's all I have right now. Angel, Spike, and Faith. The three people in the whole wide world who know how I feel. Well, maybe not Spike. He doesn't have a soul. Just a chip. They're trying to talk to me again. Don't they get the point? I just want to be alone. I haven't talked in two days. Since I was re-given my soul. They're worried about me. They talk. They think I can't hear them. Maybe I am stuck in my guilt, but it doesn't mean I don't listen.

"I don't think we can leave her by herself." Angel says, glancing at my prone form.

"Keep it down, Peaches, she can hear you." Spike hisses.

I almost laugh out loud. Spike isn't stupid. He knows.

"Just give her time. Leave her alone." Faith says.

Angel doesn't. He's by my side all the time. I want to scream. He even stays in my room when he thinks I'm sleeping. I wait until he falls asleep then I get up. My bones feel sore from not moving. But I don't care. I walk quietly to the bathroom and turn on the water. I strip and stand under the faucet. The water is as hot as it can get. It scalds my skin. I look down and see blood on my hands. I hear the screams of those who I have killed.

"You're fault. You're fault! You did this!" They chant. I squeeze my eyes shut and sink down to the floor. The hot water stings me. The run of the water drowns out my sobs. I hate this! Why couldn't Angel just kill me? Why did he have to do this? Give me my soul back after everything I've done? Why? I wrap a towel around me as I step out. It's an hour until dawn. I go outside and sit in the garden The night blooming flowers smell wonderful. I remember a little girl I had seen in France. I had found her sitting on the streets, lost. I took her and played nice stranger. She wasn't afraid of me. I took her to the darkest alley and vamped out. Still, she wasn't afraid. I had been intrigued. Such a little girl who didn't even flinch. She only gave a small cry when I bit her. A Slayer. Her blood was that of a Slayers. She was a future Slayer. Poor girl. Maybe it was good I had ended it. Guilt flooded me like a river. How could I think that. I could see the sun getting ready to come up. I could just stay here and watch the sun and it would all be over. The pain, the hurting. I could make it stop. No one would know. I shook my head. No, that would be taking the easy way out. I deserve to be punished for what I did. I killed people. Anyone and everyone who came across my path. I was supposed to save people. But I didn't. The sun starts to come up, but I am still in the shadows.

"What are you doing, Pet?" Spike asked me from the doorway.

"Thinking." I say, speaking for the first time in days. My voice is raspy and hoarse.

"Does thinking involve waiting for the sun to burn you to a crisp?" Spike asks.

"I'll come in." I said.

"Before or after you're ashes." Spike raises an eyebrow.

I stand up and clutch the wet towel to me.

"If Angel finds you out here, there'll be hell to pay." Spike said putting n arm around me and guiding me to the couch.

"I don't care. I needed a break from him. He finally fell asleep." I said.

"For now. He'll be up soon. And he'll be glued to your side once again." Spike said with a small laugh.

Just what I needed. Angel hovering over me. I notice Spike is sipping on a mug of blood. I haven't eaten in days. Angel tried to get me to eat, but Faith told him to leave me alone. He left me with that disgusting packet. I tried it but it was horrible. I threw it out. He never knew I didn't eat it. I wrap my arms around myself and feel my bones through the skin. Vampires get skinny quick. Or, at least me. An anorexic vamped vampire Slayer. I feel a giggle bubbling up in my stomach. Even though it's not funny. Not at all. Maybe I'm going crazy. It's entirely possible. I must have been staring at Spike's cup because he held it out to me.

"Ew. How can you drink it?" I asked.

"Just taste it." He said.

I hesitantly took a sip. It actually tasted almost descent.

"Its not human." I said, looking up at him.

"Nope. Put some sugar or something sweet in it. Makes it halfway descent." Spike shrugged.

I smiled a little bit.

I heard a crash from the other room.

"Damn it. Angels' up." I whispered.

Spike chuckled as Angel came out of the room, looking around wildly. He didn't see me.

"Nice hair, Peaches." Spike said.

"Shut up. Where's Buffy?" He asked looking around. I peeked above the couch.

"She ran away into the sunlight." Spike said chuckling.

"What?" Angel yelled running to the door.

I slapped Spike.

"I'm right here." I said.

Angel whipped around and came to me.

"Are you alright? You should have woken me." Angel said.

"You were sleeping. You needed sleep. And I'm fine." I said.

Angel stared at me, into my eyes and I knew that he knew that I was FAR from ok. He didn't say anything though. He looked me over and saw I was just wrapped in a towel. He looked at Spike then me. He looked a little jealous, but he said nothing.

"Maybe you should get dressed." He said, maybe a little too pointedly.

I nodded and heard Spike stifle a laugh. I walked to the room I was staying in and pulled on a pair of sweats and one of Angel's shirts. Yes, we were sharing a room. He 'insisted' on it. Not that I minded.But, I think he just did that so Spike wouldn't 'volunteer' to room with me. I tried to put my hair in a pony tail, but it was too short for the front to go up. I looked at the blackish locks distastefully. What was I thinking when I dyed it this color? Oh, wait. I forgot. It wasn't 'me'. Whoa, that was a little bitter. But, Its true. That's what Angel had been telling me for days.

"It wasn't you."

That's what I used to tell him, but I've learned that's not true. It was me. That demon is a part of me now, or else I wouldn't be feeling things from it. The hunger, the rage, the intense feeling that I need to kill something. I was wrong and now I know why Angel always denied it. If he says it again, I will scream. Its not that I don't appreciate him trying to help, but I hate myself at the moment. I hate what I am. What I've become. I keep thinking about That last fight. When I was human. Those last moments, I wasn't completely gone. I could hear the vampires cheering as he drained me. I could hear Angel screaming my name. And as I died, I could feel him holding me, vowing revenge, and sobbing. Then there was darkness, but only for a little while. When I thought I was about to go crazy from the nothingness, there was a bright light. I remember being warm, and safe. Soft and gentle. Now I'm back in this hell. Where it's bright, and cold, and I found that I've killed so many people. I shake my head and hear Faith yelling at Spike. I walk out of the room and into the kitchen. There's no food for her and she's pissed.

"I help you fight, I let you convince me you're good, hell, I even sleep with you, and you don't have the God damn sense to even get me some food? Not all of us drink blood!" She's having a fit and Spike is baffled. He clearly does not know the wrath of Faith.

"Just for that, you can get another room to sleep in, buddy boy!" Faith yelled, stomping off the bathroom.

I snicker and walk past him. Angel just looks amused.

"Bloody hell." Spike grumbles and threw a blanket over his head.

"Peaches, I'm borrowing your car. You want anything, Blondie?" Spike asks, looking at me.

I shake my head, knowing if I open my mouth and I'll beg for something I can't have. Spike nodded and cursed as he went outside. I feel Angel looking at me as I go through the kitchen cabinets as I look for nothing. I find some peanut butter. I almost start squealing. It's crunchy. I LOVE crunchy. I glance at Angel from the corner of my eye and see him gasp silently. What the? I'm not going to even ask. I find a spoon and eat the peanut butter. It tastes a little.wrong.

"Ew." I mumbled and put it away.

"They want to see you." Angel suddenly says.

"Huh?" I ask turning to him.

"The others, Xander? Willow?" Angel says watching my expression.

I shake my head. I can't deal with them right now.

"I-I can't." I stammer and look down.

I can almost hear Xander's stabbing comments. And almost see Willow's pitiful looks.

"No, I can't see them." I said firmly.

Angel held up his hands and nodded.

"I'll call the and tell them." Angel said.

"Yeah. Do that." I said sort of distractedly as I began to feel sickly. I was hungry. God. I could taste the human blood in my mouth. Its rich sweet liquid sliding down my throat. The demon raged within me demanding to feed. The human part of me felt sick and repulsed. I could feel bile rising in my throat. I took off to the bathroom and threw up what little I had eaten. Dry heaves wracked my body fiercely. After, I lay on the cool tile staring blankly at the stone wall, trying to block out the images of all that I had done. I tortured a few people. People who got in my way. Parts of the Council. They came after me, attempting to kill me. I took them all out and saved a few. I had been staying in an old warehouse in England. I had stocked up on chains and beautiful knives. I made them talk. I cut them and burned them. It didn't matter that they told the truth, I was having fun. Fun. I stripped the flash off the arm on one man. Listened to his screams and watched the blood flow. Didn't stop me. I loved it. I remember the smell of burning flesh and death. I could smell it right now. I got on my knees again and leaned into the toilet.

Later on, Spike and Angel picked me up and forced me to eat. I struggled and almost puked again when I tasted the horrid stuff in my mouth. I felt sick.

"Love, you have to eat." Angel murmured softly.

I had managed to get an arm free and I smacked him hard.

"I hate this! Why didn't you just kill me?" I screamed and threw them off of me with renewed strength.

"I told you, I never wanted to be like this, I told you!" I yelled, hot tears streaming down my cheeks.

I fell to my knees and cried. Angel approached me carefully and took me into his arms. I felt safe.

"Am I interrupting?" An angry sounding voice said from the doorway.

"What the bloody hell, are you lot doing here?" Spike yelled and told them to get out. It was.

"Oh God." I moaned hiding my face from them.

"Get out." Faith said angrily.

"Now you're making orders? I think I have a right to see my friends. She shouldn't even be here anyways. With a house full of killers." Xander threw at her.

Faith looked stricken. Her eyes blazed with a fire and Spike put his arm around her.

"Now listen here-" Spike started.

"No, you listen. Buffy doesn't belong here with a neutered killer, a wanted killer, and Dead-Boy." Xander said.

"Xander, shut up!" I yelled.

He looked at me. He eyes narrowed when he saw I was in Angel's arms.

"Oh, so are you two going to sleep together so you both turn evil and kill us all?" Xander spat at us.

Faith was pissed off as hell and struggling against Spike's hold.

"Yeah, good environment, Buff. But, then I guess you could relate to them. You know, you've killed people too." He hissed cruelly.

I gasped and closed my eyes. In a flash, I could see all the people begging me to stop, smell the blood, and hear the screams. I put my hands over my ears.

"Stop it." I whispered in a hoarse voice.

Angel growled angrily.

Faith was shouting swear words and threats.

"Go to hell you bloody bastard." Spike yelled flipping Xander off.

"Sorry, you must mean Angel. He should have stayed there." Xander said.

I remember sending Angel too hell.

//"Close your eyes."//

A strangled sob tore through my throat.

"Stop it!" I screamed, standing up.

"Get out!" I screamed at Xander.

He didn't just stared at me challengingly.

"How can you say this? How? I thought you were my friend, but I was wrong. I hate you, and if I never see you again as long as I live, it will still be too soon! Now get out! And if I ever hear you talk like this again, I WILL RIP YOUR FUCKING THROAT OUT!" I screamed the last part so loud. Everyone was quiet and staring at me. Hot tears ran down my face now.

"Leave." I said pointing to the door.

Xander glared at me and left mumbling something about killers.

Spike let Faith go and Angel looked like he wanted to kill Xander. Faith came over and hugged me.

"He's a stupid bastard and if I ever get him alone." She whispered to me. She had changed. For the better. She was my friend.

I laughed brokenly and wiped off my tear streaked face. I hated Xander with a fiery passion at the moment. Everyone in the room did. I pulled away from Faith and started to walk to my room.

"I'm going to sleep." I mumbled and crawled under the covers, trying to block out images of everything.

That night I had a nightmare. It was of one of my victims. Her name had been Tammy. A pretty town girl who was the apple of that small southern towns eye. She had almost hit me with her car one night. I followed her and stalked her. After two weeks, I tortured her and killed her. I left her body hanging out of the towns memorial. I watched as all the towns people woke up and saw her hanging there. In my dream, she did the same to me. Se hung my body up and I saw everyone I knew. Xander laughed wickedly and coated me with gasoline. He threw a match at me and they all watched as my body burned. Angel did nothing. He just looked at me with pleading eyes and said,

"You did this. You deserve this."

I could feel the heat of the flames. The pain felt so real. I woke up screaming and crying. I babbled on about how sorry I was.

Angel held me and looked concerned. I tried to explain, but I sounded like a psycho. I pretended to fall asleep and waited until he did. It took awhile, but he was finally sleeping. I got up and took a hot shower. The water burned my skin. When I was done I put on Angel robe and tied it. I went outside into the gardens. I tried to think about all the good that was in my life. But. I realized that there was none. Anyone that seemed good got stripped away from me. My life, my friends hated me, my Mom was dead, Dawn wasn't really real, I couldn't be with Angel, and my purpose was gone. Why was I here now? I wasn't a Slayer anymore. The council wanted me dead. Like everyone else. Maybe I would do better if I was just gone. Maybe. I shook my head angrily. Angel would chain me up if he found out what I was thinking. But it was the truth. There was a way out. All I needed was a stake or the sunshine.

"Ugh! Stop it. Don't think like that." I murmured to myself.

"Eh, Talking to yourself is first sign of insanity." Spike said from behind me. I jumped.

"Oh God, what are you doing? I wasn't talking to myself, well, I was but I-" Spike put his hand over my mouth.

"I know very well what you were thinking, Pet." Spike said to me.

My eyes widened.

"No you don't." I said.

"Yep. Suicide. Stake, sunny day." Spike said.

I lowered my eyes. Dammit, he was going to tell Angel.

"I won't tell, Peaches." He said.

"Can you read minds or something?" I asked.

"No, but you're so damn readable." Spike smirked.

I smiled at him. He left me to think for a little while longer. I then felt a strange pull. Something was here. Someone. Well, not *here* here, but in Sunnydale. I felt it all day. There was something pulling me, calling to me. I had felt this before, I just couldn't place my finger on it. Angel came and I felt the familiar tingle down my back. I felt uncomfortable around him, while I was feeling this pull. I felt a faint sense of betrayal. I didn't like it. Not at all. I actually drank the pig's blood today. It was gross. I actually had to force the horrid liquid down my throat. I wanted to puke. Angel and Spike gapped at me for actually drinking it without force.

"What?" I snapped at them.

I felt bad when they averted their eyes.

I sighed and left the room. I was out the door once sundown came. The purple light of dusk was calming to my frazzled nerves. I walked almost robotically to wherever I was being drawn too. I saw a small pack of vampires. There were maybe three or four. The biggest and strongest was the one I sought out. It was my sire. Damien.

"Damien." I gasped.

"My dear Buffy." He said with a smile.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, my eyes hardening.

"Is that a way to greet the man who made you? My Sweet, we haven't seen each other since we parted in Italy." He purred as he stepped toward me.

I stepped toward him as if in a trance.

"My Dark Slayer." He murmured as he pulled me to him and nuzzled my neck with his cheek.

My eyes fluttered against my will. What was I doing?

"Come back with me." He requested into my ear, his lips brushing against my ear and sending unwanted shivers down my spine. All resistance and self control left me. I hated to admit it, but I was like putty in his arms. He sunk his fangs into my pale throat and drank. I moaned from pain and pleasure. A small part over my brain shouted 'ANGEL!' but I paid no attention. After a moment, I was ripped out on Damien's arms and I whirled around at my attacker.

It was Angel. Shit.

"Damien." Angel growled, holing me possessively.

"Angelus." Damien snarled, attempting to take me back, but I was pushed behind Angel.

"Step down, Angelus. She is none of your concern." Damien said with a snarl of possession that I remembered. He had been jealous. Of everything. He didn't like me feeding off attractive men. Like in Italy. All the spaghetti and attractive Italian men you could dream of. It was heaven, until I slept with some guy and Damien snapped his neck. Not that I minded, he was just another hum. Guilt raged up within me. Damn it.

"No, no, no. See, my old friend, you have it wrong. She in none of *your* concern. She bears my mark." Angel said ever more possessively.

I instinctively put over Angel's scar. My scar. The scar Angel gave me. Whatever. The wound from Damien had already healed. I wiped it, smearing the crimson blood. Damien stared at me longingly.

"I see we've come to no agreement. She shall decide." Damien said, and looked at me as if to say, 'Come with me, or else.'

I said nothing. Angel stepped back and I was in the middle of two testosterone driven vampires.

Great. How the hell am I supposed to choose? I loved Angel, but there were always barriers with us. I yearned to go with Damien. But that was only because he was my sire.

"My Sweet, come with me. Together we can ruled the world and then send it to hell." Damien said holding out his hand. What he said brought back memories. Angelus...Hell...Acathla. Not a pleasant place.

"I have a soul." I said as if that explained everything.

"I know. I could smell it on you." Damien purred.

I wrinkled my nose.

He could *smell* it? That was kind of disturbing.

"I know people who could take it away. You'd be just like you were." Damien suggested.

My eyes widened. It was my chance. I didn't' have to live like this. Guilt, dangerous urged, and the yearning for human blood! My demon jumped at the chance and I vamped out. Damien laughed, thinking he had won. My human side won the battle and I morphed back and turned to Angel. He took me into his arms and held me. I was glad he did. I didn't trust myself.

"Go, get out of town, Damien." I said dejectedly.

"Or what? You'll kill me? No, you can't." Damien purred.

Angel growled, still holding me.

"She might not, but I will."

I turned to Damien.

"If you don't leave, I can't stop mine or his actions. If you do, I'll spare your life. Hmm, tough choice Dame." I said rolling my eyes. But I was serious. E couldn't be here with me. I'd lose what sanity I had left.

"Fine, but don't think I wont come back. You're mine, Buffy. You'll *always* be mine." Damien said, then left to the shadows, his men following him.

I didn't meet Angel's eye on the way home.

"Would you have left, if I hadn't shown up?" Angel asked, stopping.

"Well, how *did* you happen to show up?" I asked, not wanting to answer his question.

"I followed you. Answer me." Angel said, meeting my eyes.

I looked away and wrung my hands nervously.

"I-I don't know. You didn't give me a chance to find out." I answered lamely.

"You looked pretty happy there." Angel accused looking at me with angry eyes.

"Huh. Like you're one to talk." I muttered.

"What?" Angel asked, hearing me.

"Are we losing our memory in our old age?" I asked tapping my head sarcastically.

"Buffy." He said in a warning voice.

"Fine. Ok, remember Darla? *Your* sire?" I asked.

A look passed through Angel's eyes.

"Huh, sensing some sensitivity here." I sneered.

"You don't know what you're talking about." Angel said in a low voice.

"Really? Why don't I clue you in. You killed the bitch. Bitch came back, only this time, she's human and driving you crazy. Dru comes into the picture, turns her, and you go nuts. You fire you friends and isolate yourself. You obsess over her! You basically stalk her. You get mundo depressed and sleep with her! No, wait, maybe sleep isn't the right word." I said thinking, I was beyond hysterical now.

"You *fuck* like God damn rabbits and then you get an epiphany. Funny, huh? You wanna lose your soul, but what you gain is your fucking sanity!" I find this hilarious and laugh insanely.

"So you beg your friend back and finally get over her, but wait! There's more! You don't kill her! Do you?" I scream at Angel. He looks shocked but numbly nods his head.

"NO, you DON'T! You let her go because YOU CAN'T KILL HER!" I scream and my voice echoes in the sky.

I pause for a few moment and I sink to my knees. I rock back and forth, then I look up at him.

"Did I leave anything out.?" I whisper to him.

Part Three

(AN: This little part is in Angel's POV. )

"Did I leave anything out.?" Buffy asks me.

There is hurt in her eyes. She's on the floor, holding herself and shaking.

I can't believe that she knows. She knows about Darla. Numbly, I shake my head to tell her that she didn't leave anything out.

"How." I clear my throat, "How did you find out?"

"Like its any of your business." She sneers with hate.

My demon flares within me.

"It is." I state with a firmness I don't feel.

"Fine, you really wanna know?" She asks.

I want to say no. I don't want to know. I want to forget all of this never happened.

"Yes. I want to know." I say stepping toward her.

"Get away from me!" She snaps, then answers, "Spike. Apparently Dru blabbed everything and then Queen Bitch herself came a cameo and talked to Spike."

Spike! That bastard!

Buffy must see the look on his face.

"Don't you dare go and blow up on him. You may have a soul, but are *NOT* honest. Spike is, a little bluntly a times, but he is. If I hear you so much as lay a hand on him, I will stake you myself." Buffy threatens.

I can tell she's serious. Then you just won't find out.

**

(AN: Back to Buffy's POV)

I stay sitting on the ground and get lost in my thoughts. Angel thinks I don't understand. He thinks I'm still the naïve 16 year old. I'm not. Far from it. I sigh heavily and I sense Angel behind me, about to take me into his arms.

"Don't touch me!" I say scrambling up.

"What is your problem?" Angel explodes.

"YOU are my problem!" I yell.

Raging emotions tear through me, made stronger by my demon.

"YOU blame ME for being a little entranced with my Sire! YOU try to lose YOUR SOUL with her! You say I don't understand, but I do! And I hate it! I hate feeling like this! You said you wanted me to talk about my feelings, well HERE I AM! You wanna know my feelings? Fine, here they are! I don't want to live like this. I want human blood! I crave it. I can taste it, sliding down my throat. I can taste the sweet liquid, I want it! I dream about my victims and I still take some pride over what I've left behind! I hate it, but I do! And I don't know how to deal with this. Where does the demon end and the soul begin? There's a fine line and I can't seem to find it! I want to die. I can't seem to find any peace. I can't stay alive and no one will let me stay DEAD!" I am crying hysterically by now.

Angel tries to take me into his arms, and I punch him. He flies back and gaps at me. I am out of control. I have to get out of here. I take one last look at Angel and run. I run to the mansion and into my room. Hastily take and bag and stuff clothing in it. I am almost out the door when Faith grabs my arm.

"B.! What are you doing?" She asks, thinking I'm running away. Maybe I am, hell, I don't even know what I'm doing.

"I-I. I-I-I.I can't be here." I stumble over my words and I think I' having a panic attack.

My hands are shaking and Faith hugs me quickly.

"Angel's coming. Be back soon." Faith says.

I smile slightly and am running out the door, sticking to the shadows. I run for what seems like forever. The funny thing is, my lungs should be burning and my heart should be pumping…but they're not. Because I'm dead. It hits me then and there. In the middle of downtown. I am dead. No breathing, no pumping of the heart. I. Am. Dead.

**

I stay away from the mansion for a few days. Almost 5. I stayed in the outskirts in some cheap, cockroach infested motel. Angel doesn't find me, but I know he's looking. I haven't fed in almost 4 days. I had taken 2 packets of blood and stupidly, I drank one and threw away the other. Seems they go bad if not refrigerated. I think its time to go back. I'm hungry and lonely. Its kind of funny how loud mouth Spike and Faith have grown on me. I walk slowly back to town, ignoring the smell of humans and the sound of their blood pumping. Ironically, its starts to rain. Hard. I mean, thunder, lightening, hail, the whole fucking works. I sigh and look angrily up towards the sky.

"Couldn't you at least give me a break?!" I yell to the heavens above.

Lightning flashes way too close for my liking and I take that as a 'no'.

I am soaked to the bone and really cold by the time I make it to the mansion. My dark hair sticks to my face and my clothes are like a second skin. I walk in and see Spike and Faith sitting on the couch watching a movie, They both look up and Faith grins widely.

"B.!" She exclaims, jumping up from Spike's arms and hugging me.

She doesn't care that she gets all wet. Spike drags his ass up, grumbling, but hugs me too.

"So, Slayer, you're back. Now the bloody Poof will stop acting like a grump." Spike says, smirking.

"Is he here?" I ask, my voice slightly wavering.

"Nope, he went out after sundown. Probably won't be back til right before dawn." Faith says, inspecting her black nails.

"Good." I sighed. I take a nice hot shower. It calms my nerves. I get out and wrap myself up in Angel's robe. It smells like him. I fall asleep in our bed, in his phantom embrace.

***

Like all the other night's, I have another nightmare. This time it was a memory with Damien and I were in Europe. I don't remember exactly where. We had snuck into a theater full of people. It had been dark and we had gotten on stage with some of our acquaintances. We played out some stupid scene, then killed and drained the people on the stage. The crowd went wild. They thought it was part of the show, and they loved it. Until we started killing everyone in the audience. A person I killed was a powerful witch. Almost killed me. Almost, but didn't. I killed her slowly and painfully. She cursed me before she died. She told me when I finally died, that I would spend eternity in hell for everyone who I had killed. When their souls felt rested, I would finally be let go. In my dream, I was in hell. I was being tortured. They poked and prodded me with hot pokers. They cut me open to see what a Slayer was made of. They told me that they never had a Slayer here and that it was a great honor to them. I wish they would have killed me. It was so hot and my skin got so tight I thought it would split open. They held me with burning chains that burnt my wrists to the bones. I tried not to scream, I didn't want to give them the satisfaction. Then, they disappeared and the burning chains were gone. I ran and ran until I came upon a river. I thought I was hallucinating, but I wasn't. The water looked so crisp and clean and cold. I jumped in it. For a small moment, I was fine. Then I started to burn. Holy Water. The water burned and ate at my skin. I tried to get out by I saw I could see nothing except water. The acidic smell of burning skin filled my nose. Then I saw Angel. He was more or less floating on the water. I reached my hand out to him.

"Angel!"

I cried in pain, begging him to help me. He smiled manically and pushed me under. I cried out and a mouthful of holy water came in.

Oh God, just let me die!

"Ah!" I awoke and yelped in imaginary pain.

God, I could still feel the burning.

I took the coverlet and wrapped the cool silk around myself. There wasn't any light, but I could swear, I had burn marks. I closed my eyes and desperately tried to fall asleep again. Angel wasn't in the room. I couldn't feel him in the house either. It was strange without him. I started to feel heavy guilt for what I said to him. God, I'm a bitch sometimes.

***

Part Four

I had fallen asleep and awoke with a start. I had another dream, but it faded away before I could grasp it and remember what it was about. I had to blink rapidly because my eyes were bleary with sleep. When they focused, I saw Angel laying on his side, propped up on his elbow gazing at me. His eyes met mine. In the dim light, I could see confusion, sadness, and…love? Why would there be love? I had said that I hated him. How could there be love? Of course...I had to be imagining things. We looked at each other for a few long minutes. I spoke first.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

His brow wrinkled in confusion.

"Why?" He asked after a long moment.

"Because I blew up on you. And left." I murmured softly, still gazing into his eyes.

"Not your fault." Angel murmured back.

"Yeah, it is. I was just confused, with you and...and Damien." I stammered, seeing the flash of hurt go through his eyes.

"I never loved him." I whispered.

"I know." Angel said to me.

I almost growled in frustration. He was not making this easy on me.

"Its just, he was too…possessive? And, you know, the fact that he has no soul. He doesn't like you." I said lamely.

"I mean, I can see why. He's so…Damien, and you're so…Angel. And if I had to choose, which I did, I'd choose you and that makes him mad. Its like-" Angel put a hand over my mouth looking amused.

"Shh. I get the point. I'm not mad at you." Angel whispered with a small smile.

"I am sorry though." I whispered, moving away from his hand.

"I know. And I forgive you. I just want you to know, you can talk to me. Even yell. Love, I know what you're going through." Angel whispered and kissed me on the forehead.

My expression was somewhat pained.

"I-I want too, but it's hard. The flashbacks and the dreams are brutal." I said, averting my eyes.

"Dream?" Angel inquired softly.

"Yeah. Of my, uh, victims. And you." I whispered.

"Me?" Angel asked.

"Yeah. You help kill me." I whispered.

Angel gently drew me into his arms.

"They are just dreams and with time they'll pass. So will the hurt." Angel said.

"What about the guilt? I see that it hasn't gone away for you. And it's so much harder for me. I mean, I don't mean to sound petty, but I was supposed to help these people. Not kill them." I whispered my voice dropping lower and lower.

"The guilt will never go away, but it will fade." Angel soothed.

"When?" I asked.

"I can't say. Maybe in a while. Maybe longer." Angel whispered.

I took the coverlet and threw a part over him. It wouldn't be dawn for another few hours. "Tired?" He asked spooning me in his arms.

"Little." I murmured, resting my head on his chest.

I wanted to talk to him about this, but I didn't know if I could. I didn't know how much would bring up bad memories. For the both of us. I felt safe in his arms, but no matter how safe I felt, they didn't just wash away all the problems. Just made them fade away for a moment. But I knew, the moment he was gone, I would be plagued with memories and thoughts I didn't want to have. And then there were my friends. Only, I didn't know if they were still friends. Xander probably wasn't. But then, he could go and screw his self. I was still pissed off at him What right did he have to say *anything* about Angel and I? Or Spike and Faith? How many demons had he fallen for? And, if I wasn't wrong, before I had been turned, he had asked, Anya to marry him. I didn't think he was still engaged. I had heard something about him and Cordy. And, ye gods, Cordelia. I was sure she was at least half demon. No pun intended.

Angel gazed down at me.

"Heavy thoughts?" He asked.

I still didn't feel comfortable with' tell me your every thought' thing we had going on. But, I wanted him to stay. Deep down, I was scared he would leave me because of what I was. Which made no sense because he was the same thing as I was. A vampire with a soul. I realized, Angel was still waiting for my answer.

"Yeah, thoughts. Real heavy." I laughed falsely.

If he noticed my unease, he said nothing.

Maybe, for now, I could stop dwelling and obsessing over the guilt. And just enjoy being held by the man I love. Or for maybe at least a few moments. Tomorrow, I would deal with everyone. Dawn, Giles, Willow. Maybe even Xander, the only problem was that I wanted to kill him, but, hey. No will have to know that.

Part Five

The next 24 hours came and went and we were a;; heading off to Xander's. Spike and Angel didn't really want to see him, they kind of wanted to hurt him more than anything else. Faith didn't really care as long as he kept his mouth shut. I was nervous. I didn't know what to expect. We got to his doorstep and I froze. Spike sighed irritated and knocked. Xander answered smiling. But when he saw us, his smile vanished and a deadly glare took the place.

"What the hell are you *killers* doing here?" Xander asked, venom coating his voice.

"Hi jackass, nice to see ya too." Faith rolled her eyes and pushed her way in.

"I need to talk to you." I told him.

His eyes met mine coldly.

"And you brought your grateful dead groupies. Thank you so much. I'm not inviting you in." Xander said.

Willow walked pass.

"Hey, come on in, guys!" She exclaimed, melting down at Xander's glare.

Spike laughed and marched right in.

Angel smirked and pulled me in too.

"What the hell?!" Xander exploded, but other than that, he kept his mouth shut.

"I came here to talk." I assured him.

"Oh, and I thought you came for an all-you-can-eat buffet." Xander sneered.

For the moment, I pushed away my own guilt.

"Shut up for *one* minute." I snapped.

Xander looked at me.

"60.59.58.57.56." He started to count down.

"Alright, I'm sorry for everything I said back there. I got mad and I didn't mean it when I said I'd rip your throat out." I said.

Xander stopped counting.

Spike laughed, "Yes you did, Pet."

"Shut up."

"I don't care if you meant it or not. You're a demon. De-mon. Remember, the things you're supposed to kill?" Xander asked stepping back and pulling a stake from his pocket.

My eyes widened, not from fear.

Spike laughed again.

"What's a *boy* like you doing with that? You think you can stake us? Try it?" Spike said, amusement written all over his face.

Xander glared at us.

"Get back." I said to the others.

The heard the threat in my voice and did so.

"You want to kill me?" I asked tauntingly, "Go ahead. Come on Xand, free shot. Cuz I know you can't do it without it. Come on. You want me dead so bad? Here's your chance." I taunted, my arm leaving my chest, my heart, vulnerable.

I thought he'd back down. I thought he'd come to his senses. I was wrong. His eyes glared and glazed over with fury from our mocking. His hand brought the stake down with a speed I have never seen come from him. Still, stupid as I am, I thought he'd back down at the last moment. Apparently, so did everyone else. But, we were wrong.

When the stake dug into the tender flesh and struck my heart, I was stunned. A numb feeling came over me. A deadly hush fell over the room.

A whimper escaped my throat.

"Oh my God." Xander said wide eyed, noticing just now what he had done.

"I'm sorry, I'm SORRY!" He yelled desperately, trying to make it not real.

Everything went in slow motion.

I turned around and met Angel horrified eyes.

"Angel..."

He reached out to me, but he seemed so far away. I felt myself disappearing and saw arms starting to crumble to dust.

"Buffy!" He whispered, desperate to keep me from dying.

In a panic, everything rushed faster. The feelings, the sounds. I didn't want to die! Not now! Not anymore! God, please make it stop! I take it back! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!

My vision went fuzzy and I met Angel eyes in a blurry haze.

"I love you!" I mouthed, my voice coming out as an inhuman scream that echoed in my unhearing ears.

Angel disappeared and everything went black.

For a very long time.

But not forever.

Never forever.

It wasn't over.

Yet.

Go to the next story Barely Surviving

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