Disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns the characters, Natalie Imbruglia owns the song, 'That Day'.
Distribution: Let me know.
Spoilers: 'The Gift', some other stuff. It's all fairly vague.
Summary: Buffy, on how life is.
Feedback: Yes please!

That day, That day
What a mess what a marvel
I walked into that cloud again
And I lost myself
And I'm sad, sad, sad
Small, alone, scared
Craving purity
A fragile mind and a gentle spirit

I never thought it would be like this. I thought I'd fight death. I thought I'd rage and cry and scream on the inside, as I slipped away, overpowered by some great beast.

Now it happens, though, I'm just overpowered by myself, and my heart.

The last few months... few years... the eternity I've spent in life and love and fear and everything that being the Slayer encompasses... these last few months, I've been terrified. Shaken down to my very bones, weathered and frail and shaking and quaking inside my armour.

Now that I've come to it... Death is welcomed. Death is to be flown at with eyes shut against the consequences... accepting my fear, and moving past it, and learning to rest.

I need to rest. Is that so awful of me?

Am I making a huge mistake? It doesn't feel like it, but the truly beautiful and catastophic mistakes never do.

I need this. I need to be... away.

That day, That day,
What a marvelous mess
This is all that I can do
I'm done to be me
Sad, scared, small, alone, beautiful
It's supposed to be like this
I accept everything
It's supposed to be like this

The thing about this, is, it's all fit into place so well. Dawn, me, blood, Summers. Same. Life and death flow through our very veins, and she's me. I'm her.

She's giving me the freedom I won't admit to longing for.

And, I think, and I soar and slide and dive into death: This is wonderful.

It hurts, but only for a moment - I know it's going to be okay, it has to be okay, I have to have time now, have to be allowed to sleep and scream.

There's nothing I can do, here, anymore. Need to move on in the worst way, before I become something...else.

Something I can feel bubbling below the surface, and something that is hard and bitter and soldier like, and not soft and gentle and beautiful anymore. Not a warrior. Not anything my friends would love. Not something even Angel would love.

I just want a chance to breathe. God, let me breathe. Or not breathe - or - or something.

Whatever it is that I'm doing here? I'm done.

Done.

That day, That day
I lay down beside myself
In this feeling of pain, sadness
Scared, small, climbing, crawling
Towards the light
And it's all I see and
I'm tired and I'm right
And I'm wrong
And it's beautiful.

It's coming now - washing through me until I feel nothing but that light, the light I've seen in my dreams for years, but have never been able to touch or feel or smell. There's nothing quite so incredible as death running through your veins... it's everything, and it's nothing. It's fear, and relief, and everything you've been searching for your whole entire life.

It's selfish of me to do this... and selfish of my friends to expect me not to do this. It's selfish of them to not even consider that maybe I've wanted to do this, for my entire calling. Maybe my entire career.

Too much loss. Too much pain. Too much happiness, even if it was only fleeting...too much emptiness, once I was left alone with my thoughts.

(No matter what, I'll always be with you.)

(In the end, you're all you've got.)

(One girl, in all the world...)

I'm alone, now. As I was destined to be. As I so hoped I'd never have to be... but everyone leaves. Everyone waves, and promises to love you forever, and then doesn't even send a postcard from whereever it is they've disappeared to.

It's just my turn. My turn to leave, instead of be left.

I wonder if Angel will cry.

I wonder if I want him to.

That day, That day
What a mess, what a marvel
We're all the same
And no one thinks so
And it's okay
And I'm small and I'm divine
And it's beautiful
And it's coming
But it's already here
And it's absolutely perfect

So this is how it ends for me. This big fucking paragon of innocence and virtue, and I'm leaping off the side of the fucking world, into god-knows-what, just to stop the pain.

I'm no better than anybody. I'm not a hero. I'm not a thing to be revered and studied.

I'm an animal, like everybody else. I see that now, and it's beautiful. We're all beautiful, liquid jungles of predators, and prey, spreading and changing, and someone who is prey at night, is predator by day, and vice versa.

Everyone has an equal chance of surviving...if they want it enough.

I don't want it anymore. I've been waiting for this. For...so long. So, so long.

Will Giles understand that?

Will he understand that this is the ecstasy I searched for, in Riley? The one denied me when Angel was ripped from my arms? This... peace.

I've found what I've been craving.

That day, That day
When everything was a mess
And everything was in place
And there's too much hurt
Sad, small, scared, alone
And everyone's a cynic
And it's hard and it's sweet
But it's supposed to be like this

The light starts to slide through my veins - the light and the dark mixing and blending and stirring until there is nothing but everything, all.

The world I'm leaving... was it worth all that pain? Sometimes, I don't think so, but then I think of everything, and everyone, and how wonderful it all can be. I see Dawn's face pressed up against the frosted glass of the Baskin Robbin's freezer. I see Giles, face in a book, his mannerisms, and ticks, and quirks, and librarianishness. Mom, her face covered in flour, eyes bright and mischeivous. Angel, and his lips and his hands and his soul and his heart, and everything he ever offered me, and everything I ever offered in return. Faith, her cherry lips and leather pants, and her panting as we slayed (slew?) together. Xander, Willow, laughing and free, and brave, and amazing, and the best friends I ever had. Oz, who I still missed, even to the last day of my death. Tara, and Anya, and Riley, and AmyJonathonCordeliaWesleyPercyKendraMichaelOwen - everybody. Everybody I ever met.

Everybody that never really knew how to get what they wanted.

What I want now, is simple. I want it over. Done.

I've got what I've wished for.

Rest.

That day, That day
When I sat in the sun
And I thought and I cried
Cause I'm sad, scared, small
Alone, strong
And I'm nothing and I'm true
Only a brave man can break through
And it's all okay
Yeah, it's okay

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