Disclaimer: Chalk it up to Joss. In his name.(Uh...joking. I don't actually worship him...just clearing that up. I sounded a little freaky.) Seriously, though. Joss Whedon and associates own all the characters, etc, and they have my respect...which is hard to gain, so , hey.
Distribution: Send me an addy, unless you already archive me or have contacted me about archiving me. (Is that a sentence?)
Author's Notes: It's been a while since I've done one of these short little pieces....I felt the urge. I should probably be sleeping...
Summary: Buffy's POV. Thoughts. Fears. Changes.
Spoilers: I'm not sure....It's all free game. Be warned.
Feedback: Uh...are you challenged??? Of course!!!

I've spent half of my life fighting.

Fighting for attention, fighting for status....fighting for my life.

And now, I'm fighting for my soul.

I don't really remember when it started slipping away from me...

All I know, is I looked in the mirror this morning, and I was terrified by what I saw. My eyes were duller than I ever remember them being...clouded by a certain expression which I couldn't quite define. They were emotionless, yet to the outside world, I can see how they would appear happy. A sort of content, 'My life is quietly perfect' look that was foreign to me.

I remember what I looked like when I was perfectly happy. It wasn't like that.

I don't think that I'm actually 'losing my soul'....not in the sense that is familiar to me, anyway. I think that my soul has retreated into the darkness deep inside of me, to the cool isolation that it became accustomed to during times of crisis or depression. An annual holiday, for me.

I can't seem to free myself, this time. I just walk around in misery, the past years events swirling around in my mind, making the wounds deeper and deeper, wider and wider.

I can see Angel's face, every moment. I am tortured by the expression on it as I tell him that I know Riley. That I trust Riley.

That I love Riley.

More than him.

And none of it is true. I don't know where the need to hurt him came from....where the bitter acid suddenly welled up from.

All I know is that I am in pain, and now I have company.

That's Angel and I; Always doomed to shared misery. Eternally together; Forever apart.

I miss him.

I think that's the first time I've ever admitted it to anyone, even myself.

I didn't cry when he left. I was numb. I walked around in a daze, doing my job, living my life, yet not really...moving at all.

In my mind, I was curled up in a tiny ball, frozen on the cold stone floor of the mansion. Shielding myself from the anger and pain, killing myself with isolation.

And then came the denial.

I was no longer in pain- sure. I was over him. Riiiiiggghhhttt.

I was in love with Riley.

Yep.

I really convinced myself it was true, for a while there. I even went so far as to tell Riley about Angel, something I'd been terrified to do. It meant letting go of Angel. Letting go of that secret love in my heart, letting it vanish into the mysts of time, to be forgotten after a few weeks of bliss with my lover.

But I was wrong. It didn't mean that.

I'll never forget.

I can never let go of him.

My soul cries out in torment at the thought, weak and pathetic from it's hiding place in my stomach.

I'm standing here, outside his door. I'm not really sure what to say to him...to my one true lover, my soulmate.

Should I go the direct route? Should I stutter blindly through an apology??? Should I edge around what is bothering me, let him read between the lines???

I'm terrified. The hairs on the back of my neck are on end, the skin on my forearms crawling.

I don't know if he can forgive me. I don't know if I've lost his love and respect, and I don't know what I'll do if I have.

What if he hates me???

Maybe this is a bad idea....

NO!

I have to do this. I have to let him know how I feel. I just need him to *know*.

Even if he hates me.

Even if he doesn't want to talk to me.

I have to do it.

Slowly, I lift my hand, and knock on the door.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
If you're evil and you know it clap your hands *clap, clap*

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